He's finally leaving my life and there's nothing I can do...

[Tarnished]

If you have read any of my other posts over the past six months you'll know the ups and downs I've been through for the past few months regarding the end of my affair with a married co-worker (I too am married).

 

I won't go in to all the history (you can search for it) but whilst we are supposed to be in NC, because we deal with each other at work, I've still been able to see him and talk to him (although not about personal things - his wife has ensured I can't email him or message him).

 

Yesterday I found out that he will be leaving our company (not of his own choice) and I'm feeling really devastated right now. As hard as it has been still having him around at work, I'm now feeling so sad that he is really going to be out of my life and the NC will commence for real and forever.

 

He will always know where to find me, but his BS is frightening and will ensure I can never contact him and I know he will never contact me (because of his BS and because he chose his family and the conditions she has put on him).

 

I guess I never thought this day would come. I thought he'd always be there in the background of my life and that gradually I'd get over him.

 

I love my husband but even after all that has happened with the AP and his BS, I still can't help but love AP and feel like he is the one that got away. My husband knows all of this - he knows I have never passionately loved him like I love AP.

 

My husband is aware of my feelings for AP and is patiently waiting for me to get over him, which now I'll have no choice but to do.

 

I know I don't have the right to feel this way about someone who was never mine, but I can't help it. He has been a huge part of my life for the past 12 months and I'm going to miss him so much. And even though we've been LC for 8 weeks now since his wife found out about us, this time it will be final and forever...

 

How do you move on when you no longer have any way to contact or see your ex-AP and have no control over that?

Edited June 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DKT3]

First I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I think its time you accept that the exAP is making this decision, he has decided its time for him to do the unselfish thing and put his wifes feelings above his own. I have commented on your story before. My advice is the same, its time for you to take the hint and put your BS feelings above your. He is a good man from what you wrote and he deserves better then you are giving him. You have better, its time to put this energy into your husband and your marriage. Your husband isn't going to wait forever. No one would, at some point soon he will give up on you and the marriage. Is that what you want? Just like you turned you attention away from your husband toward the AP its time to reverse it. Show him that women he fell in love with.

 

Again stop putting AP on a pedestal, he is a grown man. He ended the affair, not his wife. He is leaving the job and you behind, if he didn't want to he wouldn't.

 

They isn't a magic pill that will make this go away, but you can handle it. True NC is what's best. I suggested to you before the real reason you wouldn't leave the job yourself was because you could remain attached to AP. Please get honest with yourself its the only way through this.

 

I don't want to see you in the divorce section. Pull it together and focus on you and your family.

 

I wish you the best of luck

[Tarnished]

Thanks DKT3. I had meant to respond to your previous post but got distracted.

 

You are very right in every thing you say. This is not some Romeo & Juliet scenario where we are being kept apart - he has chosen not to be with me and I need to accept that. Him losing his job is just the final chapter (he didn't choose to leave work).

 

My husband is realising the depth of my feelings for ex-AP and yes, I need to refocus or risk losing him when his patience runs out (he's been very understanding of everything so far).

 

This is the first time I've had to acknowledge that ex-AP won't be around anymore and it's very confronting...

[trailrunner1975]

This is a huge blessing in disguise. It will be easier to move on with him no longer around in person. Didn't say easy, but easier nonetheless.

[gettingstronger]

I am also sorry you are hurting- I agree with DKT3 and was happy for you that you acknowledge that the blame you are placing on his wife (in the original post) is not entirely true-

 

We are in reconciliation and I can tell you all of the terms were agreed on by both of us- most were his idea and at the root of it is just common sense and what a marriage should look like- the "rules" are nothing new just a reaffirmation of how our marriage (and many, I do realize there are open marriage) should look and how we act as marrieds-

 

I think its confusing to you because your husband has taken a different path and seems OK with whatever you need to do- this is unusual but if it works for him (and you) I have no judgements about it-

 

You should take a long hard look at your husband and think about how much he loves you as a person to allow you to set the tone for reconciliation and how much he is willing to bear to be with you and help you heal-its pretty rare and you should take note of it-

 

Best of luck to you-

[Tarnished]

I think its confusing to you because your husband has taken a different path and seems OK with whatever you need to do- this is unusual but if it works for him (and you) I have no judgements about it-

 

You are so right. My husband was happy for me to even still see him if it made me happy and improved our marriage.

 

This latest happening is beyond what I thought would ever happen but I do know that it will be for the best for all concerned.

 

I realise that the conditions placed upon him are not just his wife's but that the he has agreed to them as well. I guess I just hoped that it was always more him than her - that he wanted me too but wanted his family more.

 

I know I'll get over it when he's gone, but today it's overwhelming...

[gettingstronger]

I think you put too much emphasis on him and not enough on you-

He has made his choice and it really does not matter why- I get that you want to mean something to him-for you to be as important to him and he is to you-but in the end does it really matter-

 

I know the "whys" and "what-ifs" will drive you mad- as a BS, I allowed them to take up so much space in my head- and for what- it does not change the present or really the past for that matter-

 

The A took place under a whole different set of circumstances that can not be replicated-our lives have forever changed-

 

My only advice to you is to allow yourself to grieve just a bit long and then-let that part of it go and start living in the now-

 

Again, best of luck to you and remember to think about what your husband is offering and how much he must care about YOU to shoulder so much of the burden of this-

[Owl]

OP...I don't think you see how hard the road ahead of you is still going to be, not even considering your devestation at the loss of OM.

 

Your H is in crisis mode right now. He's bargaining....foolishly...desperately...with you, trying to keep you in his life at all costs.

 

Which is a tremendous mistake on his part.

 

When this is done...when OM is removed from the picture...then the two of you will exit the 'crisis mode', and your H will then have a chance to stop and think about things. And he's going to come to a devestating realization.

 

He's your backup plan. You're only with him because you couldn't have OM. He wasn't your choice, he was your only available option after OM left. You've never felt for him what you felt for OM, and never will. You've told him that. He can't compete with that...and he shouldn't have to.

 

IF the both of you still decide to work on your marriage after that...you're both going to need some serious marriage counseling to work through all of this. You're going to have to show your husband that he is important to you...and that's going to be damned difficult for him to find in any way believable after he stops and thinks about any of this.

 

I feel so badly for him, reading your posts. Because after all of this...he's still there in the wings waiting for you...and you're still focused on OM.

[DKT3]

OP...I don't think you see how hard the road ahead of you is still going to be, not even considering your devestation at the loss of OM.

 

Your H is in crisis mode right now. He's bargaining....foolishly...desperately...with you, trying to keep you in his life at all costs.

 

Which is a tremendous mistake on his part.

 

When this is done...when OM is removed from the picture...then the two of you will exit the 'crisis mode', and your H will then have a chance to stop and think about things. And he's going to come to a devestating realization.

 

He's your backup plan. You're only with him because you couldn't have OM. He wasn't your choice, he was your only available option after OM left. You've never felt for him what you felt for OM, and never will. You've told him that. He can't compete with that...and he shouldn't have to.

 

IF the both of you still decide to work on your marriage after that...you're both going to need some serious marriage counseling to work through all of this. You're going to have to show your husband that he is important to you...and that's going to be damned difficult for him to find in any way believable after he stops and thinks about any of this.

 

I feel so badly for him, reading your posts. Because after all of this...he's still there in the wings waiting for you...and you're still focused on OM.

 

I agree 100%. Men are far less forgiving when it comes to infidelity. Most will hang around several months, before it really hits them and then????. Right now her husband is in compete mode and trying to nice her back into the marriage. She is being totally disrespectful and taking him for granted. Some where down the road nice will turn to pure rage and anger. She isn't responding to nice. I promise she will respond to no more mister nice guy.

[wind willow]

My husband is aware of my feelings for AP and is patiently waiting for me to get over him, which now I'll have no choice but to do.

 

Either your husband is a complete idiot or he really, truly loves you. Or maybe he's a complete idiot because he loves you. I don't want to seem like a jerk, but in the middle of this post about your feelings for another man, you mention one of the most romantic and loving things a person could do. And it doesn't seem to be of much impact to you.

 

I'm sad for you and your husband that you have someone who loves you so much but are taking it for granted.

 

How do you move on when you no longer have any way to contact or see your ex-AP and have no control over that?

 

I've always found it easier to move on from a relationship when there's nothing around to remind me of that person.

 

Can you put the mental energy you're using on him into your husband?

[waterwoman]

tarnished - I left my job 21 years ago after getting too close to someone I worked with. I hadn't realised that I had taken it seriously and had thought I just enjoyed the laughing, flirting, ego-boosting etc. He acted in a way that forced me to take steps to put distance between us.

 

He didn't have my home phone number, I didn't have his, mobiles weren't common in those days. We had no choice but to lose touch. I missed him, I really did. But it passed. It was the only way for me.

[smitten4ever]

I disagree, my H supports my relationship with OM 100%. My husband knows I can love more than one and that if push came to shove I would pick him. However, my husband feels no need to issue ultimatums. My relationship with OM is on the outs right now and we are NC, my husband talks to me about how I am feeling and wants to make sure I am OK mentally/emotionally/physically. Not every man is jealous and/or possessive.

 

 

 

 

 

I agree 100%. Men are far less forgiving when it comes to infidelity. Most will hang around several months, before it really hits them and then????. Right now her husband is in compete mode and trying to nice her back into the marriage. She is being totally disrespectful and taking him for granted. Some where down the road nice will turn to pure rage and anger. She isn't responding to nice. I promise she will respond to no more mister nice guy.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I always find these answers to be so black and white. If she took her husband for granted, she would not suffer the confusion of loving another man more. She knows her husband is good, she knows the man she loves didn't put her as important enough to stick around, but she struggles with her unrequited love anyway.

 

This isn't a choice someone makes out if carelessness or is something f people chase after, who sane would go after pain? the heart wants what it wants. Feelings for another person are inevitable often, unless you live under a rock.

 

Yes, it is likely that the husband will backlash if he feels less important, but to deny that loving more than one person at a time is possible is very narrow minded. Perhaps it isn't possible for some people, but polyamory is a real thing.

 

I love my friends while I love my husband, I also love another man while I love my husband. It happens.

 

Either your husband is a complete idiot or he really, truly loves you. Or maybe he's a complete idiot because he loves you. I don't want to seem like a jerk, but in the middle of this post about your feelings for another man, you mention one of the most romantic and loving things a person could do. And it doesn't seem to be of much impact to you.

 

I'm sad for you and your husband that you have someone who loves you so much but are taking it for granted.

 

 

 

I've always found it easier to move on from a relationship when there's nothing around to remind me of that person.

 

Can you put the mental energy you're using on him into your husband?

[Owl]

I disagree, my H supports my relationship with OM 100%. My husband knows I can love more than one and that if push came to shove I would pick him. However, my husband feels no need to issue ultimatums. My relationship with OM is on the outs right now and we are NC, my husband talks to me about how I am feeling and wants to make sure I am OK mentally/emotionally/physically. Not every man is jealous and/or possessive.

 

How long has your husband been in this situation with you?

 

I'll be interested in seeing how long he maintains that stance.

[DKT3]

I disagree, my H supports my relationship with OM 100%. My husband knows I can love more than one and that if push came to shove I would pick him. However, my husband feels no need to issue ultimatums. My relationship with OM is on the outs right now and we are NC, my husband talks to me about how I am feeling and wants to make sure I am OK mentally/emotionally/physically. Not every man is jealous and/or possessive.

 

Its not about being jealous its about being betrayed lied to and manipulated by someone who claims to love you.

 

Sounds to me your in a different situation. If your husband knows and is ok with it then where is the betrayal lies and manipulation? You are two adults, who you conduct your marriage is up to the two of you. If he is ok with it then its simply a happy cuckold or an open marriage. Good for you.

[DKT3]

I always find these answers to be so black and white. If she took her husband for granted, she would not suffer the confusion of loving another man more. She knows her husband is good, she knows the man she loves didn't put her as important enough to stick around, but she struggles with her unrequited love anyway.

 

This isn't a choice someone makes out if carelessness or is something f people chase after, who sane would go after pain? the heart wants what it wants. Feelings for another person are inevitable often, unless you live under a rock.

 

Yes, it is likely that the husband will backlash if he feels less important, but to deny that loving more than one person at a time is possible is very narrow minded. Perhaps it isn't possible for some people, but polyamory is a real thing.

 

I love my friends while I love my husband, I also love another man while I love my husband. It happens.

wow, your mindset is sooo wayward. One day you will think back on these words and say WTF was I thinking. Don't believe me, read the stories of woman who have been down that road and back. You can't help falling in love with another man as a married woman?

 

Polyamory is something that all enter into willingly and with full understanding. What you've done is made a unilateral decision in your marriage. Not even close to being the same. Its like one person withdrawing 5k from the bank and the other taking it and calling it the same.

[KathyM]

Most people want their spouse's romantic love and attention to be given solely to them. Few people are O.K. with their spouse investing romantic feelings and intimacy with others, unless they are looking to be polyamorous themselves, or don't want intimacy with their spouse and don't mind if she/he gets it somewhere else. Of course, if your goal is to keep the primary relationship strong, your romantic love/attention needs to be invested in your spouse, not someone else. The fact that your husband is O.K. with your feelings being invested elsewhere would mean that either he has/had relationships on the side as well, or your marriage is one of a platonic nature, where romance and intimacy is not there and he doesn't mind keeping it that way.

[smitten4ever]

How long has your husband been in this situation with you?

 

I'll be interested in seeing how long he maintains that stance.

 

20 years

[Owl]

20 years

 

So you've been having an affair and seeing OM, with your H's permission and approval, for 20 years???

 

If so, I'd agree...that's not an affair...that's an open or polyamorous marriage.

[whichwayisup]

So you've been having an affair and seeing OM, with your H's permission and approval, for 20 years???

 

If so, I'd agree...that's not an affair...that's an open or polyamorous marriage.

 

Smitten, are you okay with your husband having an OW? Having an affair, falling in love with someone else, investing in someone else? Sharing his body with someone else?

[Owl]

So you've been having an affair and seeing OM, with your H's permission and approval, for 20 years???

 

If so, I'd agree...that's not an affair...that's an open or polyamorous marriage.

 

I wanted to add...this has nothing to do with the OP's thread, if this is an open or polyamorous relationship.

 

Her husband doesn't WANT her to remain in a relationship with OM...he's just waiting for her to 'get over it'. This is AFTER she's already told him that she has never felt the same about him as she's felt for OM.

 

Odds are high...he's not going to remain in that mode forever. And he's not going to be willing to sit there idly waiting for her to get over it forever. At some point...he's going to stop accepting being a backup choice. He's going to insist on either being her choice...or her ex.

 

That's where most men end up in an affair. Polyamory is relatively uncommon, and not what we're seeing in OP's situation.

Edited June 10, 2014 by Owl

[KathyM]

I wanted to add...this has nothing to do with the OP's thread, if this is an open or polyamorous relationship.

 

Her husband doesn't WANT her to remain in a relationship with OM...he's just waiting for her to 'get over it'. This is AFTER she's already told him that she has never felt the same about him as she's felt for OM.

 

Odds are high...he's not going to remain in that mode forever. And he's not going to be willing to sit there idly waiting for her to get over it forever. At some point...he's going to stop accepting being a backup choice. He's going to insist on either being her choice...or her ex.

That's where most men end up in an affair. Polyamory is relatively uncommon, and not what we're seeing in OP's situation.

He's put up with her relationship with the OM for 20 years. It doesn't sound like he's going to start giving her an ultimatum anytime soon.

[Owl]

He's put up with her relationship with the OM for 20 years. It doesn't sound like he's going to start giving her an ultimatum anytime soon.

 

I was referring to the OP's post, not to Smitten's situation. The two are really quite unrelated from what I can tell.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Its not about being jealous its about being betrayed lied to and manipulated by someone who claims to love you.

 

Sounds to me your in a different situation. If your husband knows and is ok with it then where is the betrayal lies and manipulation? You are two adults, who you conduct your marriage is up to the two of you. If he is ok with it then its simply a happy cuckold or an open marriage. Good for you.

 

 

Exactly when does someone falling in love with someone else make it so that you don't love the original person anymore?

 

That is possessive in the full sense of the word. You say here that her husband knows so there isn't betrayal, or manipulation in her case. Her husband is being supportive while she goes through the motions of grief. That my friend is REAL LOVE. He loves her regardless of her being "obedient" he wants her to be happy.

 

Loving someone even if they don't give you every little thing you want. That is love.

 

The other option is one of ownership, control and possession. It is like two kids fighting over one doll. MY doll. No my doll! MINE MINE MINE.

 

She doesn't belong to anyone. She is able to see other people because she has eyes, she is able to think and FEEL because she has a brain. This OM provided something for her that she very much enjoyed and now she mourns its loss, This is natural when you feel for someone else. It is natural to feel for many people in your life.

 

 

Whether she tells her husband or not, isn't it betrayal to be untruthful AT ALL even with HERSELF? If she feigned not being in love with someone else when she truly felt it, then that is a lie to her own self. Then she is clinging onto a husband while feeling sad and loss.

 

I would think that you would commend her on being open with her husband and him being supportive while she mourns.

[Owl]

Exactly when does someone falling in love with someone else make it so that you don't love the original person anymore?

 

That is possessive in the full sense of the word. You say here that her husband knows so there isn't betrayal, or manipulation in her case. Her husband is being supportive while she goes through the motions of grief. That my friend is REAL LOVE. He loves her regardless of her being "obedient" he wants her to be happy.

 

Loving someone even if they don't give you every little thing you want. That is love.

 

The other option is one of ownership, control and possession. It is like two kids fighting over one doll. MY doll. No my doll! MINE MINE MINE.

 

She doesn't belong to anyone. She is able to see other people because she has eyes, she is able to think and FEEL because she has a brain. This OM provided something for her that she very much enjoyed and now she mourns its loss, This is natural when you feel for someone else. It is natural to feel for many people in your life.

 

 

Whether she tells her husband or not, isn't it betrayal to be untruthful AT ALL even with HERSELF? If she feigned not being in love with someone else when she truly felt it, then that is a lie to her own self. Then she is clinging onto a husband while feeling sad and loss.

 

I would think that you would commend her on being open with her husband and him being supportive while she mourns.

 

Most people have an expectation of monogamy...in fact, most have either a formally agreed upon expectation of it (as outlined in most marriage vows), or an informal declaration of it (when they agree to see each other exclusively while dating).

 

You're insistent that everyone else must agree with your view...and disregard their own views on monogamy.

 

I have no issue with anyone who openly declares themselves polyamorous...up front, and whomever they get into a relationship with agrees with this premise from the very start. Consenting adults can do that.

 

The issue here is that the OP did NOT set that expectation up front with her H. She betrayed him by beginning a relationship with someone else, after setting an expectation of monogamy with him. And...right now, he is putting up with it. Her description doesn't make it sound like he's embracing polyamory...on the contrary...he's TOLERATING it in the hopes that she'll come to her senses and return to a monogamous relationship with him.

 

That's nothing like polyamory.

 

Why shouldn't she feel for someone else? Because she agreed not to. She set an expectation, agreed to forsake all others.

 

And frankly...she's flat out stated that she feels more for OM than she felt for her H. He's currently tolerating the situation, and probably rather desperate to keep her. I know...I did something somewhat similar for a very short period of time during my wife's EA. The difference was...I set a boundary on what I could accept in a relationship with her. She was faced with a choice...and she made her choice. She could have made a different one, but did not.

 

OP here needs to recognize she's likely got a very short window of opportunity before her H comes to the same realization.

 

Your situation is completely different, and unrelated. Your H has basically signed up for a polyamorous relationship...he's aware of, and agreed with your choice to love others. That's not the same thing as waiting for your affair to die, and your relationship with him to improve.