Strange feeling and I need help to overcome it.

[DawnOfTheBlackHearts]

One eventful night I met the love of my life. We fell madly in love with each other, and three months into the relationship we were engaged. She then told me that she is 4 years older than me (24), has 2 kids, and has been divorced once. She told me that I was the only one she has ever truly loved. (Her first marriage was forced on her or so she says). Her first child was the result of a rape, as was the second when she was forced into marriage. (she slept in separate beds with her "husband" for 3 years and one night he forced himself on her) This all seems so far fetched to me, yet I cannot rule out the possibility that it has occurred. I broke off our relationship after hearing this for 2 days, I told her trust was the most important thing to me in a relationship, and that I needed time to think. I told her she was a great person and how much I loved her.

 

After those 2 days went by we fell madly in love again. (even when I was away from her we still loved each other.) We got engaged again. The past confession still lingers in my mind. The fact that she may have loved someone before me hurts me. I don't know if she is lying about the not wanting the past marriage, I don't know when she is telling the truth anymore. The idea that another man has had sex with her and got her pregnant also sort of disgusts me. I do not know if disgust is the right word however. The feeling that that thought brings on is strange and I am not sure how to describe it. It seems as though her purity has been tainted, and makes a part of me recoil.

 

I know that we love each other madly, yet these feelings I have remain. Why can't I just be completely happy with her? Thats all I want. Comments/Advice would be greatly appreciated. Are these feelings normal? Should I let these things linger in my mind?

 

Thank you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

How did her first marriage end? Did she leave him, or did he leave her? Do you know anything about it? Did he cheat on her? Did she cheat on him? Is he involved in the children's lives? Did she ever press charges for rape or sexual assualt? Did she ever tell anyone else? I am like you: while it could happen, her story sounds sort of hinky to me, too dramatic and contrived sounding. I think there is probably more to it that you aren't hearing.

 

Gut instincts are your brain's way of expressing small cues that you are picking up on: either verbal or physical - that you wouldn't ordinarily notice or might otherwise miss. Your gut instincts are probably picking up on other things besides just that story - like I said, its possible that these things happened but are you also picking up on other small things that aren't adding up? It sounds like you have a variety of other small things besides this terrible story she is telling you that are adding to this sense of 'wrongness' in the situation. For all you know, she's a liar who is trying to trap you with stories designed to elicit the maximum amount of pity and need to 'protect' her. Or.. she may truly be a victim.

 

What other things seem off?

 

Until you put your finger on what it is exactly that is off to you, I don't think you can be truly happy with her. Some part of you will always wonder...

 

As for the feelings you have of her purity being stolen, those strike me as very normal feelings that a guy would have in a situation like that: a woman you love was debased and impregnated against her will, reduced down to an act of violence. I can understand your feelings about that. I can also understand your hesitancy about the situation in general. You'll definitely want to find out more, to put your mind at ease.

[MsMree]

The idea that another man has had sex with her and got her pregnant also sort of disgusts me. I do not know if disgust is the right word however. The feeling that that thought brings on is strange and I am not sure how to describe it. It seems as though her purity has been tainted, and makes a part of me recoil.

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I think you should do everything you can to hold on to her - she has got to be the only woman left who would be attracted to a man who thinks like this.

 

And another thing - this is a forum for OW/OM relationships - i don't think your post has anything to do with what this forum is about.

[newby]

can i just ask whether if YOU had had sex with her and the result was pregnancy whether you would think her PURITY had been tainted?

if its true that she was raped you need to work with her on understanding how that actually was/is for her and try to get away from how it makes you feel.

EVERYBODY has a past.

another thing, where are these children?

if you are to be with her you will need to accept her past which INCLUDES these children.

this is all based on the supposition that her story is true.

on the other hand:

i agree with LB that you are probably getting confused about what your instincts are telling you, maybe you are finding it hard to describe these feelings and you are not coming across as you intend. sometimes if you try to suppress your intuition for whatever reason then you get stuck into arguing and reasoning in your brain but deep down you know the truth and you cant ignore it. it is far safer to listen to your intuition first and do what it tells you, it will be much clearer than the logical mind ever will be.

[DawnOfTheBlackHearts]

I love her, she loves me. That is all that should matter. She is great to me. I respect her for who she is even if her story was falsified. She makes me happy and I wish to do the same for her. I am not going to dwell in her past life anymore, and instead I will live in the present while only looking ahead. I believe I am over this. Thank you all.