His drinking drove me away, but he doesn't have a clue that I am gone!

[tonotthenight]

I have been married for 24 years, with my husband for 26 years -- that is, of course, if you count the year he dumped me right after he got me pregnant with our first child together. I was the tender age of 19. He was 22...and had already been married, divorced and had another child. Though he denies cheating on me I believe in my heart he did during the first fifteen years of our marriage. I know for sure that five years ago he asked a woman he worked with if she'd be interested in an affair. I know this because he told me this. Interestingly enough, we haven't been intimate ourselves more than five times in the last five years. The last time was a year ago. He says he has no interest in sex.

 

I stayed with my husband as I was told to do. I loved my husband and was obedient to my husband. I took care of everything in our marriage and found I was quite an artist -- I painted the best picture of a happy life to anyone who looked our way. I was like a starving bird, happy for any little crumb of attention dropped my way. My husband didn't spend a lot of time caring about my feelings, needs or wants. He didn't worry himself on whether our children were fed, or if the bills were paid. He didn't need to. Cause I took care of it. He was just a happy go lucky guy, real laid back, Mr. Joe Fun, while I was the martyr, taking on the world, working two jobs to support the family. Oh, it wasn't like he never worked. He is extremely gifted and could have made millions with his talents. Except, during one stretch of our marriage, he forgot to get a job for four years. No problem. I got us rent assistance, day care assistance, went to the food shelf when necessary. I always found a way. Cause after all, for better or worse right?

 

Ah, my husband loved to party. But eventually his partying became something he preferred to do all by himself. Alone. His three plus cases a beer each week made my life unbearable. Usually when I came home he was drunk. Then he'd get ugly with me. Not physically. Emotionally. He'd beat me down with his words. Tell me I was stupid. Tell me I wasn't as in shape as I was at 19, (I am 45 years old, 5'0 and weigh 120 now, and am often told by others I am pretty -- just the other day a young man told me that I am beautiful -- and I am told I look to be in my early thirties -- while my husband put on nearly 100 pounds since we married and now weighs in at a hearty 270) oh, the list goes on.

 

I finally had enough when our youngest left for college. Suddenly it was just was me, him and his ways. The straw that broke this camel's back was when he screamed at me for 10 minutes in public, at a movie theater, about how stupid I was because he wasn't going to get the seats he wanted. We got to the theater an hour before the movie started! I looked at him and thought -- 30 more years of this? I would rather die!

 

I told my husband his drinking and outrageous spending had to stop or I was leaving. It didn't stop so I left. I made him go to the counselor who told him he was an alcoholic and that he needed help. That changed nothing. Oh, there is so much more but my fingers would cramp at just writing it all. Needless to say, it's been over a year and we are still separated. He finally went to outpatient treatment four months ago and says he hasn't had a drink since. He said he was sorry for putting me through hell all our lives and wanted me to forgive and forget -- he figured that if stopped drinking we could live happily ever after. Instead I said no -- let's sell the house and live in separate places. I told he he needs to see what it's like to have to pay bills and be responsible. I don't care if I never live with another person again. He thinks we are just going to be married forever, that I will take him back once I get over the damage he has done to me.

 

I want to be friendly with him -- we have four kids together and are about to become grandparents. But I don't want live with him ever again. I am not in a hurry to get a divorce, but I am totally fine with not living with him ever again. He doesn't really get that we are separated. Even though we aren't living together. He told me he doesn't want me to date cause that'd be cheating. I don't want to date cause I don't want to jump right back into trying to trust again. I believe my husband cheated on my all the years of our marriage, not just with a woman here and there (one time I caught him kissing a woman under a street light at a party we were at -- says he was drunk and that should excuse his behavior). My husbands' other mistress, the one who took him from his family time and time again, was pot and alcohol. Literally stole him away from us. And, after a year of us living separately both physically, emotionally -- I am not supposed to date. That's his biggest concern. Jeez.

 

So, what do you all think of that?

[Lil Honey]

T:

 

I, too, have been married for 24 years. My divorce was final just a few weeks ago. Your second paragraph sounds as though I wrote it.

 

And you ask, "So, what do you all think of that?"

 

I will only speak for myself, of course, but I think that you have given this man and this marriage approximately half of your life (give or take a few years). If your vows were like my vows, they said, "until death do us part." I'm sure that is something that some here and in the "real" world will point out to you. The thing is, when you feel like I do (and it sounds as if you do), the death has already happened. The life has been sucked out of me.

 

You have provided for the family and you have raised your children. Now, I think it is time to spend the last half of your life being happy. Afterall, you could stay married for another 30 or 40 years which is a heck of a long time when you are miserable, because those years will feel like 60 or 80. They already do feel that way, don't they?

 

Lil H

(your sister martyr)

[tonotthenight]

Lil -- did your husband get it as to why you left? How long did it take before you actually filed for divorce? How were your kids about it? I taught my kids very well to be good little enablers. just like their mom, and to look the other direction if Dad did something UN-Dad like. They always have said he's not really like having a dad, more like a big brother. They called him Homer when they were growing up. My husband just called to wish me a happy valentines day -- I just went out to my car to see a miniature snow man built on the roof of it -- he did that.

 

Help me get to where you are!

[hooghie]

I think you really need to think about whether you are going to get a divorce or you are going to wait and see if he changes. If you choose divorce, the length of time it takes depends on what state you are in, agreement on dividing assetts, etc. If you guys can agree on the division of property, it will be a piece of cake.

You are also in a good position because your children are old enough to understand AND you won't be fighting on visitation.

If you choose to stay with him- then maybe you need to help him get better or point him in the direction he needs to go for you to take him back. I told my ex I want a divorce when I was completely done with him and well after all of the things that had bothered me fell on deaf ears. Once he realized I was seriuos, he really really started to change into the person I wanted, but it was too late. I guess what I am saying is that maybe over time, he will learn to be what you want him to be now that he has had a taste of what it's like not to be with you.

[tonotthenight]

Hooghie -- You said -- I told my ex I want a divorce when I was completely done with him and well after all of the things that had bothered me fell on deaf ears. Once he realized I was seriuos, he really really started to change into the person I wanted, but it was too late.

 

The same thing is happening here -- it's too late for us too. I just don't want to hurt him -- crazy eh? Suddenly he realizes that all these years he has treated me poorly. He gave me alot of excuses for that...the best is that he was so hurt by his first divorce -- he was married for one year to the first girl he got pregnant -- during that marriage they lived together six months. When they got married she was sixteen, he was 18. She left him for her old high school boyfriend. She turned full custody of thier child over to me when he was four years old and I raised him as my own. He said because he was so hurt from her leaving him that he could never give me his full love. So, she gave him a year, abandoned thier child and moved on, I stayed with him for 26 years, raised all his children and yet he never got over being hurt because she left him...

 

There is so much pain on my part -- confusion on his -- he just wants me to love him forever more like I have always done in the past...

[Lil Honey]

did your husband get it as to why you left? I told him a couple of months before I left that I didn't feel like I wanted to be married anymore. I told him that I felt that he didn't care about me and that I felt far down on his list of priorities. He wiped away a few tears, but nothing changed. The day that I told him, I simply said that I wasn't happy, that we had been to counseling, I had been to counseling, I had been taking anti-depressants and I was trying to "be happy," but that nothing was working.

 

How long did it take before you actually filed for divorce? I'm not sure what you mean by this question. I had the nerve to do it when the kids were about 3 and 6 years old. Then I found that I really couldn't. I couldn't leave them and I couldn't take them away from their dad. That was the first time I was going to leave. This last time, it was several things building up, including my frustration, my unhappiness, my not seeing an end in sight, the feeling that my life was getting sucked out of me. As far as legally, from the time I filed to the finalization, it was six months (as required by my state). It was not a long drawn out divorce, but I told him that I was not interested in taking him to the cleaners. I also told him that I didn't want to fight over anything, because I didn't want our kids to learn to handle a situation like this in anger.

 

How were your kids about it? My daughter was already on her own, but she cried. I told her that I didn't want to hurt her and her response was, "I'm sad because you have been unhappy for so long and I didn't know it." My son, who was a couple months shy of 18, cried as well. I think he is doing okay. I'm not saying that he isn't hurt, because I'm sure he is. I left the house and left him behind with his dad. I figured that he would be less traumatized by staying in the house he grew up in and with his dad, who he had more in common with (fixing things, golfing, etc.)

 

They called him Homer OMG! We call my ex "Homer" too . . . LMAO . . . that's too funny.

 

I told my ex I want a divorce when I was completely done with him and well after all of the things that had bothered me fell on deaf ears. Once he realized I was seriuos, he really really started to change into the person I wanted, but it was too late. EXACTLY. People seem to fail to realize that when someone files for divorce, they have already have thought it through and feel that there is no turning back. Many of us hold on, waiting for changes, but when there aren't any, then we have to stop the stagnating and move ahead.

 

I just don't want to hurt him -- crazy eh? No, it isn't crazy. I TOLD my husband - and my kids - that I still love him, but I love him like a brother. I don't want to hurt my ex-husband either. I've tried to make this departure as easy as possible.

 

he just wants me to love him forever more like I have always done in the past... And yet he could never give me his full love. Can you say, "double standard"? Marriage isn't a take arrangement. It's give AND take. It's working TOGETHER. It's compromise and communication.