Too much effort in not getting caught

[Furious]

Im not sure what you expect to get asking such a hypothetical and not so common issue question.

 

What purpose does it serve to stretch the envelope in what is clearly a standard situation? You want to expose some kind of internal contradiction by imagining a world that doesn't exist?

 

In my husband's case, he was not the only OM as he had believed. it was a big shock to him.

 

These things do happen, and it can change a person's perspective. If anything, it can help them see things in a different light.

 

peace...

Edited June 15, 2014 by Furious
Correction

[fellini]

In my husband's case, he was not the only OM as he had believed. it was a big shock to him.

 

These things do happen, and it can change a person's perspective. If anything, it can help them see things in a different light.

 

peace...

 

A different light? or just more lights? If a cheater needs his AP to cheat on him to have his/her eyes open.... it's the lights that are blinding him!

[Furious]

A different light? or just more lights? If a cheater needs his AP to cheat on him to have his/her eyes open.... it's the lights that are blinding him!

 

 

ironic isn't it.

[Scarlet2]

Yes, this.

 

Why do you "have to" abide to what he wants because it works for him? Is it working for you?

 

And you say you barely get a two-word text every week? What are you getting out of this?

 

Yes & no. On one hand, it's not working because I want more communication because it feels very isolating and confusing but on the other hand, maybe it IS working for me because like velvette said, it could be a strategic advantage, if he ever did get D, there would be no evidence of our shenanigans. His family wouldn't know me as the OW, I'd just be known as his new wife if we got M.

 

I wrestle with this all the time. I question if I'm stupid. Anyone else from my past I would never allow this behavior but with him I'm unconditionally loyal, and tolerate way too much. The people that know me surprisingly haven't shunned me for this A because they agree he is the perfect match for me. The timing is just off.

 

If there were another OW besides me, I think I would have to end it. I would feel inadequate that I wasn't enough to fulfill all his needs that he had to delegate it out to multiples. You would think I would say that now because I'm "doing his W's job" but if he didn't divide his time I think he would see that I am capable of providing what she does on top of what I do.

 

What I think is going to happen is it's just going to end on it's own. A plant can survive on sunlight but if you don't come by to water it once in a while it will die.

[lovinDKT3]

Real smart people, don't get caught... just sayin'

 

hence why I say that if the WS has no big guilt, keeps control, and can lead 2 lives with minimal problems... it wont get caught... sex addicts, compulsive liars, guilt ridden people, and stupid, emotional and high mantenieance person WILL.

 

Getting caught depends a lot on the BS. Others can see even the smallest red flag. My BS brother was on to my affair almost from the start. But because BS had total trust in me he didn't see the signs, or maybe he did and just dismissed them.

 

What I'm saying is getting away with it is a perfect strom of being smart about the way you conduct the affair, having a spouse that will ignore the signs and luck.

 

However, "REAL SMART" people don't have affairs.

[Trustnoone]

It's a combination of several factors coming together to make the affair difficult to catch. My WW used only work communications, cell work, land line work, email work. WW affair was with a co-worker and no extra time away from home. I work for the same company but unable to obtain any records. I'm in a different building completely and she was usually off property for her job anyway. No red flags until a phone call came in. Guess who got the call, WW. Bury the info and none the wiser. Just mentioning this has me in a rage. For six months she sat in the passenger seat next to me in the morning and afternoon. Didn't love me just sat next to me good ol plan B!!! I drove her to her AP!!! No wonder I wanted die!!

 

I think at times I stay because I'm not done with her yet. WW hates to look at me if I'm having a painful moment. I think it destroys her to a degree that she sees me this way. Well stand back and look at your masterpiece you created. I will get better and stronger for this will not break me. It came close I'll say that.

[HermioneG]

After DDAY I hacked my fWS email......and discovered he was trawling for his OW's replacement.

 

Imagine that?

 

In the height of his mid-life crisising lunacy, he had decided his OW wasn't the ONE but lacked the courage to tel her so......so strung her along while he emailed a former high school GF he found on Classmates.com and was talking to a few other single and divorced women....

 

I attached all these questionable contact emails and sent then to his address book, especially his family who were begging me to reconcile with him....

 

Silence ensued....just like I expected it would.....

 

Oh goodness. Sometimes I wonder if we are the same person. Are you blonde and tall, too? LOL

 

True story. When I caught my spouse ( via the computer), he was pretty clearly ending things with his OW ( she would send long love emails, and he would not reply) and he was emailing his college girlfriend.

 

He had some interesting explanations for why, and in therapy he untangled it.

 

When I forced the DDay ( packed him up and sent him to her) I also forwarded the emails to her between the two of them ( spouse and former girlfriend). And some other correspondence that, in his very own words, illuminated just how much the affair wasn't about me, or her, and it was all about what was broken in him.

[HermioneG]

Real smart people, don't get caught... just sayin'

 

hence why I say that if the WS has no big guilt, keeps control, and can lead 2 lives with minimal problems... it wont get caught... sex addicts, compulsive liars, guilt ridden people, and stupid, emotional and high mantenieance person WILL.

 

My spouse is not dumb. Not even close. He's got a top shelf education, and runs a big company he created. He is actually, intellectually, quite brilliant.

 

However- I will grant you that emotional intelligence combined with FOO issues can contribute to getting caught. For sure. And the weight of the issues he had not faced crashed in and caused a big mess in his life.

 

But I don't think it is fair to say that anyone who has a DDay is not smart.

[HermioneG]

In my husband's case, he was not the only OM as he had believed. it was a big shock to him.

 

These things do happen, and it can change a person's perspective. If anything, it can help them see things in a different light.

 

peace...

 

This was also the case for my spouse- his OW "cheated" on him with another MM, which he describes as "something he could not actually object to, because of the state of their relationship".

 

Affairs can be incredibly messy, in all sorts of surprising ways.

[Charlie Harper]

 

But I don't think it is fair to say that anyone who has a DDay is not smart.

 

I agree, some people who make a lot of mistakes and dangerous behavior when in a A, get through by sheer luck...

 

In my A, we both got 2 extra cell phones with no plan/contract, and only used 5 emoticons to make messages, she had a special place to meet, and we used another car for our time together, never used email, messaging, watts app Facebook and such. we kept it under control, also if we had things to do, we would not get together, work /family/duties always came first, we hung out in other parts of the city, and even left the city when we had time.

 

Even when we called it quits, it was done very calculated and planned, so there was no D day on both sides.

 

We never got too crazy about breaking those rules... so D day was a very low possibility..

[fellini]

Agreed. It has nothing to do with "intelligence" not even sure it has to do with emotional intelligence.

 

My WS had all the emails, phone calls, text messages, files, exactly as they were. She didn't even try to hide them because she knew I wasn't looking. After DDAy, she was lacking in technological know-how to delete properly the things she didnt want me to find. And she still has no idea that I have now activated the GPS on her cell so I can more or less verify that she went to the places she said she was going.

 

It's not always necessary to cover the tracks if you know your S is not looking for tracks.

 

I agree, some people who make a lot of mistakes and dangerous behavior when in a A, get through by sheer luck...

 

In my A, we both got 2 extra cell phones with no plan/contract, and only used 5 emoticons to make messages, she had a special place to meet, and we used another car for our time together, never used email, messaging, watts app Facebook and such. we kept it under control, also if we had things to do, we would not get together, work /family/duties always came first, we hung out in other parts of the city, and even left the city when we had time.

 

Even when we called it quits, it was done very calculated and planned, so there was no D day on both sides.

 

We never got too crazy about breaking those rules... so D day was a very low possibility..

[Realist3]

I agree, some people who make a lot of mistakes and dangerous behavior when in a A, get through by sheer luck...

 

In my A, we both got 2 extra cell phones with no plan/contract, and only used 5 emoticons to make messages, she had a special place to meet, and we used another car for our time together, never used email, messaging, watts app Facebook and such. we kept it under control, also if we had things to do, we would not get together, work /family/duties always came first, we hung out in other parts of the city, and even left the city when we had time.

 

Even when we called it quits, it was done very calculated and planned, so there was no D day on both sides.

 

We never got too crazy about breaking those rules... so D day was a very low possibility..

 

We did many of these same things the first few years, now it is much more relaxed in certain areas, but still play smart about it. Meeting up is our biggest challenge in terms of effort. We do have a couple of spontaneous places we can go to, but an actual date is a pretty tedious task.

 

You mentioned dumb luck. I think it is possible for that to work in a short term A, but the odds are highly unfavorable. I would suggest most people do not take near enough precautions which is why so many are busted within 3-6 months. How many times do you hear/read about people getting busted by texts or phone records? A bunch. It is almost like they are begging to be caught. They get seen in public together. They develop a routine. They pay for hotels with a credit card. The list is endless.

[Charlie Harper]

Yes paying with credit card is a NO NO, My W was suspecting a lot and checking me like crazy , because I had all the red flags of a S on an A…. new clothes, slimmed down, took care of myself, had too much "work", lots of calls from different numbers and messages etc,

 

She could never pinpoint or have an eureka moment, because there was nothing to find, except maybe bumping into us, by coincidence. That is why I think that if someone can be COLD and have control, the chances of a D day are low, but most people go nuts for the AP and then make mistakes.

In the end we were deeply in love, and we knew we would eventually get caught, and also She would not go with D so we ended it…it was painful but it was the right thing to do.

[velvette]

Yes paying with credit card is a NO NO, My W was suspecting a lot and checking me like crazy , because I had all the red flags of a S on an A…. new clothes, slimmed down, took care of myself, had too much "work", lots of calls from different numbers and messages etc,

 

She could never pinpoint or have an eureka moment, because there was nothing to find, except maybe bumping into us, by coincidence. That is why I think that if someone can be COLD and have control, the chances of a D day are low, but most people go nuts for the AP and then make mistakes.

In the end we were deeply in love, and we knew we would eventually get caught, and also She would not go with D so we ended it…it was painful but it was the right thing to do.

 

All it really takes to catch a cheater is suspicion and the funds for a PI.

[fellini]

All it really takes to catch a cheater is suspicion and the funds for a PI.

 

More often than not, just suspicion. I didnt need a PI, if I had the least bit of doubt all I would have had to do was open her laptop and read her emails. Or look at the sms history, or glance through the cell phone records. Or pretend to be off to see a football match and then hang around and watch where she goes. The problem was getting the suspicion only makes sense once you have been told.

[Furious]

I agree, some people who make a lot of mistakes and dangerous behavior when in a A, get through by sheer luck...

 

In my A, we both got 2 extra cell phones with no plan/contract, and only used 5 emoticons to make messages, she had a special place to meet, and we used another car for our time together, never used email, messaging, watts app Facebook and such. we kept it under control, also if we had things to do, we would not get together, work /family/duties always came first, we hung out in other parts of the city, and even left the city when we had time.

 

Even when we called it quits, it was done very calculated and planned, so there was no D day on both sides.

 

We never got too crazy about breaking those rules... so D day was a very low possibility..

 

 

How exhausting to go to such lengths to preserve....what?

 

it's ironic that the "not getting caught" is some kind of espionage endeavour that it's main purpose is to maintain a marriage that a WS is running away from.

 

It's a paradox, that in order to cheat one must risk a marriage but on the same hand go to such lengths to preserve it for some reason.

 

I find it both sad and humorous, perhaps if a WS put as much effort in not getting caught and put that effort into their marriage what the results would be.

hmmm....

[Realist3]

All it really takes to catch a cheater is suspicion and the funds for a PI.

 

I would guess for many that is true. We have beaten two attempts at a PI, that is why we take such precautions about dates. When the elementary school both of our kids go to changed their security policy it really threw a monkey wrench into our plans, but we worked around it. We leave nothing for a PI to find. We are never seen in public together. Well, we are, but at places a PI could never gain access.

[Furious]

I would guess for many that is true. We have beaten two attempts at a PI, that is why we take such precautions about dates. When the elementary school both of our kids go to changed their security policy it really threw a monkey wrench into our plans, but we worked around it. We leave nothing for a PI to find. We are never seen in public together. Well, we are, but at places a PI could never gain access.

 

Is the motivation fear of your OW's husband?

[Realist3]

How exhausting to go to such lengths to preserve....what?

 

it's ironic that the "not getting caught" is some kind of espionage endeavour that it's main purpose is to maintain a marriage that a WS is running away from.

 

It's a paradox, that in order to cheat one must risk a marriage but on the same hand go to such lengths to preserve it for some reason.

 

I find it both sad and humorous, perhaps if a WS put as much effort in not getting caught and put that effort into their marriage what the results would be.

hmmm....

 

 

They aren't running away from the marriage, that's the point.

 

The lengths are not all that great. All it takes is another identical phone. I can't begin to count the number of times she has been messaging me with FB Messenger with her husband sitting right next to her in a restaurant, in bed, in the living room, etc., all the while she is on her cheater phone.

[Realist3]

Is the motivation fear of your OW's husband?

 

 

No. He would never think of doing anything to me. We both want to preserve our family units and our social status. We are both well known.

 

One of the things that I learned by accident is that her H has sheltered a lot of his wealth from being tied to her in any way. I am an attorney, and I had been an acquaintance of one of his former attorneys. Well, as his former attorney and I became closer friends he started divulging what her H was up to and how he helped him do it.

[Furious]

No. He would never think of doing anything to me. We both want to preserve our family units and our social status. We are both well known.

 

One of the things that I learned by accident is that her H has sheltered a lot of his wealth from being tied to her in any way. I am an attorney, and I had been an acquaintance of one of his former attorneys. Well, as his former attorney and I became closer friends he started divulging what her H was up to and how he helped him do it.

 

 

Good luck. You never know, no matter how careful, there's a chance it may be found out. I assume if he has sheltered his wealth, there may be a very good reason for it. Some people, are shrewd and play stupid as they line up their ducks.

[Realist3]

He's just a shady mofo.

[Owl]

No. He would never think of doing anything to me. We both want to preserve our family units and our social status. We are both well known.

 

One of the things that I learned by accident is that her H has sheltered a lot of his wealth from being tied to her in any way. I am an attorney, and I had been an acquaintance of one of his former attorneys. Well, as his former attorney and I became closer friends he started divulging what her H was up to and how he helped him do it.

 

I guess I am personally still curious about why you bother hiding at all myself.

 

You've stated your wife knows and doesn't care. Her H wouldn't want to hurt his family or his finances...so why go through all those hoops when apparently no one cares enough to do anything about the situation anyway?

 

Your wife doesn't care enough to stop you. Her H won't care enough to do something about it.

 

What's the point of hiding it?

[HereNorThere]

My spouse is not dumb. Not even close. He's got a top shelf education, and runs a big company he created. He is actually, intellectually, quite brilliant.

 

However- I will grant you that emotional intelligence combined with FOO issues can contribute to getting caught. For sure. And the weight of the issues he had not faced crashed in and caused a big mess in his life.

 

But I don't think it is fair to say that anyone who has a DDay is not smart.

 

You hit the nail on the head with this one. There's a difference between being intelligent and having impulse control and/or empathy. A great example of that would be someone suffering from Aspergers Syndrome (now called High Functioning Autism, whateves). A lot of those people rank really high is systematic thinking, but lack social and emotional intelligence. No offense to any aspies, but that is part of the diagnostic criteria.

[Charlie Harper]

I would guess for many that is true. We have beaten two attempts at a PI, that is why we take such precautions about dates. When the elementary school both of our kids go to changed their security policy it really threw a monkey wrench into our plans, but we worked around it. We leave nothing for a PI to find. We are never seen in public together. Well, we are, but at places a PI could never gain access.

 

I beat 2 PI's, one gave a huge report with tons of pictures ( I loved them, but could not keep them for obvious reasons LOL), and a detailed report that in 2 weeks I had lunch or breakfast (sometimes both) with different women, there were almost no repeats, no hand touching, or kisses etc.... She was MAD. The second report was shorter, and stated I had lots of female friends and did not have any kind of suspicious behavior ....

 

He's just a shady mofo.

 

My ex wife is millionaire ... guess how much money she contributed to the marriage..ZERO.... thats when I made my mind to divorce, a person who is not willing to share a dollar with you after 20 years is worthless and morally broke... (aside that she cheated on me).