Have you fixed the intimacy issues in your marriage? How?

[Turtles]

No, what we need is for wives to care as much about taking care of their husbands as they care about their husbands taking care of them. Withholding physical intimacy is selfish. End of story.

 

Alwayshere, forgive me for being sarcastic. Sometimes it's better to laugh about it than cry about it! The fact is, you can romance a woman as much as you want, if she is not willing to work on that aspect of the relationship (either because she does not want to do the effort, or because she does not perceive it as a problem), it's not going to happen. If you look a few posts up at Snowflower's, you'll see the only thing that changed was when SHE decided to start working on it, because she got a kick in the groin when the husband gave up and took a mistress! I am not advocating cheating (it is really NOT a good fix) but I think marriage is hard work and some people think they can just coast by and that ignoring a problem will make it go away.

[giotto]

What do you mean by putting her under pressure?

 

Meaning that I hassled her for sex... meaning, I kept asking... mind you, I only wanted sex once a week... I guess she felt pressurised and crowded... and she started hating sex... that's the way she was/is...

 

 

Have you ever told your wife all this stuff? I've followed your threads over the years and I know you've told her you're unhappy with the current state of your relationship. But did you ever sit her down and tell her point blank that if she didn't make a genuine effort to improve things in that area that you would eventually leave her?

 

Of course... many times. We even separated at one point. Then we compromised to once a week, but she didn't keep the promise. So, I said I was leaving. Then she compromised again. All reverted back after a few weeks. She is a complicated woman. She needs therapy. She said she would go to fix herself and the marriage, only to change her mind after a few months. She never went. Two years ago she said things would never change.

 

The problem is that after the second "talk", I decided to stay, because I wasn't going to leave the children. But she kept promising. Was that a mistake? Maybe. But I wasn't prepared to have my kids raised by another man. I've slowly fallen out of love with her. That's understandable, because you need intimacy to keep the marriage going. I don't really care anymore. I'm staying because I like the family life and I couldn't do without my kids. Don't get me wrong. I care a lot about her. We never argue and we get on. But the intimacy is missing... it's taken me a long time to accept it, but it's ok now...

[Snowflower]

Alwayshere, forgive me for being sarcastic. Sometimes it's better to laugh about it than cry about it! The fact is, you can romance a woman as much as you want, if she is not willing to work on that aspect of the relationship (either because she does not want to do the effort, or because she does not perceive it as a problem), it's not going to happen. If you look a few posts up at Snowflower's, you'll see the only thing that changed was when SHE decided to start working on it, because she got a kick in the groin when the husband gave up and took a mistress! I am not advocating cheating (it is really NOT a good fix) but I think marriage is hard work and some people think they can just coast by and that ignoring a problem will make it go away.

 

This is all so true^^^!

 

I started reevaluating that part of the relationship with my H actually about the same time as he was getting into his A (which of course was unbeknownst to me at that particular point). I tried to talk to him and yes, initiating and he was slow to respond. I kept trying to make improvements but by then he was all f&8ked up in the head with his A and it got really weird.

 

As usual, my timing sucked but it was a coincidence.

 

I would add that I think my going off BC had something to do with my renewed interest. I can't say for sure, but that is my guess. Several months before I had gone off BC for another health issue and it takes several months for the effects of that to get of your system (its why women sometimes can't get pregnant for quite awhile after discontuing BC).

 

Again, the timing sucked. I had finally gotten my interest back and my H was headed the other way. Sigh.

 

But yes, previously I assumed that I could coast on through and that my H would just have to put up with it.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, I guess once it's gone, it's gone. Even if she tried very hard now, I couldn't trust her. I'm too scared to get hurt again. I'm not going through that again. I'm at peace with myself. It's taken a long time, but it looks like I've reached the end of the tunnel.

Once the kids are older, do you see yourself trying to reclaim this part of your life with a new partner ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[giotto]

Once the kids are older, do you see yourself trying to reclaim this part of your life with a new partner ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Possibly... I don't really know how it's going to be when they've all left... it will be a big step, but it's impossible for me to think about that now... it's still about 5 years away... next year will be 30 years together... it's a very long time and I was only 22 when we met... now you know my age...

[Better]

It really does take both people in the marriage to make it successful. You have to work on it and both be willing to do things that may not come naturally.

 

I think I did that, doing things that didn't come naturally but that I knew my wife wanted. She even acknowledged that she was getting the things that she needed. However, she wasn't able to reciprocate and the marriage deteriorated. Did I do everything I could? I don't know and probably won't ever know. But whatever I was doing was not leading to her feeling comfortable having sex so in the end it didn't make much difference.

 

The whole thought of "doing the right things" by a partner to add sex to or back to your marriage only works if the low libido partner is actually interested in having sex with *you*. If they aren't, there's not much you can do to fix the marriage. My ex-wife didn't want to have sex with me no matter what I did. She might want it with her new partner. I'm OK with that, because it wasn't going to happen with me and now I have moved on to partners who *do* want to have sex with me.

 

It's much more complicated than making sure you are doing your part of the household chores and giving them compliments. Everyone is complicated, and sometimes even after being married for many years they just aren't that into you sexually or aren't into sex at all. I understand that now, but it was a painful lesson. I wish my ex-wife the absolute best but I could never go back into a similar situation.

[alwayshere]

It really does take both people in the marriage to make it successful. You have to work on it and both be willing to do things that may not come naturally.

 

I think I did that, doing things that didn't come naturally but that I knew my wife wanted. She even acknowledged that she was getting the things that she needed. However, she wasn't able to reciprocate and the marriage deteriorated. Did I do everything I could? I don't know and probably won't ever know. But whatever I was doing was not leading to her feeling comfortable having sex so in the end it didn't make much difference.

 

The whole thought of "doing the right things" by a partner to add sex to or back to your marriage only works if the low libido partner is actually interested in having sex with *you*. If they aren't, there's not much you can do to fix the marriage. My ex-wife didn't want to have sex with me no matter what I did. She might want it with her new partner. I'm OK with that, because it wasn't going to happen with me and now I have moved on to partners who *do* want to have sex with me.

 

It's much more complicated than making sure you are doing your part of the household chores and giving them compliments. Everyone is complicated, and sometimes even after being married for many years they just aren't that into you sexually or aren't into sex at all. I understand that now, but it was a painful lesson. I wish my ex-wife the absolute best but I could never go back into a similar situation.

 

Amen. It is NOT always about the HD spouse.

[Elliotte]

This is all so true^^^!

 

I started reevaluating that part of the relationship with my H actually about the same time as he was getting into his A (which of course was unbeknownst to me at that particular point.

 

See to me it always seems like the way things improve is when the low drive partner finally has the epiphany that sex is a big part of what helps your partner feel closer and by extension, helps the overall quality of the relationship. Meanwhile the high drive partner has spent years communicating this point in every way they can until they lose all hope of getting through to their partner. By then divorces or affairs occur.

 

I wish more people who were the low drive partners and realized their error would teach it to so many of those doing it right now.

[BikerAccnt]

Nothing worked for me and it eventually led to divorce after many years of marriage. We did couples counseling and sex therapy and nothing helped. Eventually, the lack of sex caused resentment on my side and I couldn't get past that, so I filed for divorce.

 

 

Ditto for me, After 9 years together, 6 of them completely sexless. I finally left.

[Mycatsnuggles]

OP, I am a low drive partner although I have rarely denied my H sex because I know for him it is his way of expressing love and affection, also he gets quite antsy if he goes more then a few days without. I love him so I take care of his needs. But you mentioned wanting her to want it as much as you. This is the area I am struggling with. I want to want him! There is no physical reason to prohibit my wanting him. I don't feel he is "failing" to do something, maybe this is why I satisfy his needs. I don't believe he is aware of how many times I've had sex when I really had no desire to except I want to please him so I do.

 

I swear it's not "duty" sex, he has never felt I am not participating. I just wonder because I see several men saying this is the reason to end the marriage. If she is satisfying your needs is this enough? I wish I could increase my libido I just don't know how.

[tommyr]

No, what we need is for wives to care as much about taking care of their husbands as they care about their husbands taking care of them. Withholding physical intimacy is selfish. End of story.

 

Why are these husbands continuing to take care of a wife who does not reciprocate (by taking care of him)?

 

If my suggestion that the H stop meeting her needs (until she meets his) sound too alpha, well at least I've completed this thread.

[tommyr]

Yes I have fixed my sexless marriage.

How? By convincing her that a sexless marriage wasn't just my problem, it was her problem too.

 

People never fix problems that they don't have. Once it became her problem too, the solution came quite easily.

 

Search my history if you want to know more details.

[tommyr]

Mycatsnuggles, I don't believe that YOU can can really control your low desire. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job despite your LD condition. Keep it up and do NOT beat yourself up over something you clearly did not want and can't specifically fix.

 

Too many people are sooo hung up on desire and libido.

I'm wondering if Elliotte (the OP) is stuck on this detail.

Why is this such a big friggin deal? To me the most important ingredient in satisfying married sexlife is attitude.

 

Partner is LD? Partner never (or rarely) initiates sex?

That's ok, YOU are the one thinking sex, so how about YOU initiate it!!!

Doesn't matter who get's the party started, so long as my partner brings along a good attitude.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Thanks Tommyr,

 

I did read your thread(some) was there anything specific the mc had you two do together? I do think most of it is controlable with attitude and thoughts.

 

I love husband, he treats me nice, I will treat him nice. I love my wife.

 

I am beginning to find a change in my responses also. Desire to cuddle and even desire for something different sexually, next up implimenting the desire.

[central]

Usually, nothing works. However, if both partners understand and agree that lack of intimacy and/or sex is a problem for the marriage, then they can work together to improve.

 

My ex would not change her attitude or try to improve intimacy and sex, no matter what I tried - it simply wasn't important to her, not even if that meant destroying the marriage. And it did, as I divorced her.

 

This relationship has no lasting problems with intimacy and sex. It is important and a priority for us both. Even with problems that kill desire and intimacy in many relationships - a severe chronic illness (eventually cured), a debilitating back injury (mostly treated), cancer (hopefully cured), and chronic hormone imbalances (ongoing concern) - we've persisted in working on the intimacy and have also done everything possible to mitigate the effects of the various problems, because we both care more about each other's happiness and that of the relationship because it is too good to risk losing.

[Elliotte]

I am not hung up on just the fact that she has low libido, she definitely has a bad attitude about it. I want her to want to find a middle ground and she keeps acting like that's a bad thing because she's already getting all she wants from the relationship. Meanwhile she prances around me everyday, squeezing my cheeks playfully and barely pecking me when we kiss, if I even want a deep passionate kiss, I have to pull her close! In the past I used to initiate all the time and more often than not I got rejected, we have made progress where now I don't get rejected as much but we still having a ways to go where it doesn't feel like she's just giving me duty sex.

 

The problem with duty sex is she has frequently criticized what I do, while she fully admits I was a great lover during our honeymoon periods and those rare times she can fully get in the mood, but if she's just giving in and I am caressing her when oops, she's feeling ticklish this time! She slides right out of the moment and later criticizes me.

 

I'd love her libiso to match mine, sure. But at the very least I would like her to show that she values our intimacy more than throwing me a pity **** occasionally.

[jackslife]

I still don't think she grasps the enormity of the situation. And wow you don't even have children yet to be used as an excuse.

 

It seems like she is treating you like a fun brother and not the masculine husband/lover that you actually are.

 

If general chats in the house aren't working you need to sit down with her and make it absolutely clear that this is a potential break up situation for you. Sex is not something she should just give you as a treat to keep you happy, but an important part of your marriage.

 

You are already becoming resentful of her and you need to nip that in the bud too.

 

The only way to do that is to arrange for MC as soon as possible, and tell her it is important that you go together for the health of your marriage. This problem that won't go away on it's own.

 

She is not going to start having sex with you out of the blue next week or in 7 years time. Imagine where you are now but worse in 5, 10, 15, 20 years time. But imagine you've got 2 children and getting out of the marriage is harder. Get MC now and if she won't go or even if she does and it fails start planning your separation.

 

Sometimes despite our best endeavours some marriage problems just can't be fixed.

[Elliotte]

I still don't think she grasps the enormity of the situation. And wow you don't even have children yet to be used as an excuse.

 

It seems like she is treating you like a fun brother and not the masculine husband/lover that you actually are.

 

If general chats in the house aren't working you need to sit down with her and make it absolutely clear that this is a potential break up situation for you. Sex is not something she should just give you as a treat to keep you happy, but an important part of your marriage.

 

You are already becoming resentful of her and you need to nip that in the bud too.

 

The only way to do that is to arrange for MC as soon as possible, and tell her it is important that you go together for the health of your marriage. This problem that won't go away on it's own.

 

She is not going to start having sex with you out of the blue next week or in 7 years time. Imagine where you are now but worse in 5, 10, 15, 20 years time. But imagine you've got 2 children and getting out of the marriage is harder. Get MC now and if she won't go or even if she does and it fails start planning your separation.

 

Sometimes despite our best endeavours some marriage problems just can't be fixed.

 

We have already had marriage counseling, about this and many other subjects, we are at least now at the point where we can have productive discussions rather than fight about it. I used to bring this all up and she would instantly get defensive, start building anxieties in her head about it and throw insults about my technique, probably because her anxieties made her feel like I should have some too.

 

We can chat now and I have initiated several chats with her, which usually ends up with some nice sex, then nothing afterwards for over a week unless I initiate or bring up the conversation, meanwhile she's acting like everything is fine. I am trying to come up with a PLAN with her to move forward and either she acts understanding then has no follow through, or last night, where she immediately started getting defensive and talking about how everything with her in the relationship is great, so me wanting more intimacy is just a hassle for her.

 

Yet again I find myself giving up with her, she isn't hearing me and victimizing herself. I recommended she read a book on the subject and we talk about it together, since that has helped in other parts of the relationship, but she then gets upset thinking I am going to be on her ass every day about it when I won't! At the same time if it's two weeks from now and she hasn't even touched the book after agreeing to it like things have happened in the past, how much faith am I supposed to give her to believe she places value in our intimacy, when her actions speak otherwise, and have been this way for years now!

[atreides]

We men have to understand women are wired differently then us, groping and saying "let's do it" doesn't work well past 22.

 

 

I disagree, wife and I are almost 40 and she loves that kind of stuff. But more to my point, I think the below quote is more of the reason and spot on.

 

The fact is, you can romance a woman as much as you want, if she is not willing to work on that aspect of the relationship (either because she does not want to do the effort, or because she does not perceive it as a problem), it's not going to happen.

 

 

 

 

 

..I am not hung up on just the fact that she has low libido, she definitely has a bad attitude about it...

 

..so me wanting more intimacy is just a hassle for her.

 

OP, it seems like you have already tried many things and that at least to me the writing is on the wall. I experienced sexless early in my marriage because my wife was on antidepressants then, it was a short period of time, but i want to emphasize that you nailed it in that difference with me was my wife's attitude was in the right place while her libido was not.

 

I see a struggle in that you question if you are more the issue but then reassure yourself you are not which is spot on. A colleague of mine who is now divorced had a wife that made herself out to be the victim as well with everything about the marriage. There does not appear to be a magic pill here other than something drastic like starting a D as with another poster that was a wake up call.

 

I think you know what you want to do but are also at the point where you don't like having to do it.

[tommyr]

I am not hung up on just the fact that she has low libido, she definitely has a bad attitude about it.

Ok so here is something really worth discussing with her.

Discuss this (with some care and good sense) and she will surely agree that sex isn't much fun with a bad attitude.

 

...now I don't get rejected as much...

How would you like to NEVER get rejected?

Here is exactly how, this has worked for me 8+ years:

During THE TALK, we discussed specific sex frequency.

We agreed on twice per week.

We also discussed the most favorable days/times/conditions.

Our deal is that I initiate sex: twice per week, preferably during favorable windows.

If my timing still does not work, then she never outright rejects me: instead, she proposes a better, specific time (within the next day or so).

This probably sounds very clinical and unromantic to some of you.

Believe me we are not so precise and rigid about it, the main point here is that you need to be on the same page regarding specific sex expectations. So if I try to initiate 5X per week, or right when she gets home from a busy day, then I better not cry the blues if she rejects. Likewise, every 3 or 4 days, she is not surprised when I make a move.

Occasionally, she herself realizes it's day 4 and so SHE actually initiates!

This has taken a few years though.

 

We can chat now and I have initiated several chats with her, which usually ends up with some nice sex, then nothing afterwards for over a week unless I initiate or bring up the conversation, meanwhile she's acting like everything is fine.

 

...snip...

I recommended she read a book on the subject and we talk about it together, since that has helped in other parts of the relationship, but she then gets upset thinking I am going to be on her ass every day about it when I won't! At the same time if it's two weeks from now and she hasn't even touched the book after agreeing to it like things have happened in the past, how much faith am I supposed to give her to believe she places value in our intimacy, when her actions speak otherwise, and have been this way for years now!

 

Elliotte, why are you expecting her to initiate sex or to read books on the subject?

 

She never initiates sex for the same reason she never eats egg-salad sandwiches: it's just NOT on her radar.

YOU are the one hungry for egg salad, so YOU fix the sandwiches and invite her to the table.

Her primary job is to bring a good attitude.

Edited July 15, 2014 by tommyr

[BlueIris]

 

Do the things you would do if you were dating a new woman.

 

It works, believe me. I told several friends and its worked 100% of the time. The basics of it is, compliment her daily, reduce her daily task ie clean the freaking bathroom and wash a dish. Help more with the kids. Text her in the middle of the day just to let her know your thinking of her and how important she is to you. Let her get all dolled up and take her out once in a while. Change where you have sex, if its nothing more then getting a sitter and taking her to a nice motel down the street. Once the act itself starts, take your time, make it all about her.

 

We men have to understand women are wired differently then us, groping and saying "let's do it" doesn't work well past 22.

 

My mom once told me "if you don't make a women feel special, then for her sex is another thing she feel like she HAS to do, like cleaning the toliet" wow, who wants that?

 

It's certainly been true for me and my friends too. I'd add- really see and appreciate the person you're with, what they do for you and your family but also who he or she is on their own, as an individual. But appreciation and seeing are what we do when we're dating a new person, so I guess I didn't really add anything. Sex itself changes when you have a relationship like this, the best, and deeply bonding.