gogoboots Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 My fiance and I have been in a long-distance relationship for a year. So that brings trust issues and communication issues. He says he has insecurities or "demons" as he calls them. He often accuses me calling or texting exes that I haven't talked to in years. Recently, I went to Facebook on my laptop that he's used a few times. He did not log out. In hindsight, I know I shouldn't snoop but it was there and my impulses won. In his messages a woman asks him out to a concert. He asks what time but says he's busy at work. She makes a comment about us being engaged and he says he'll drag it out as long as he can. She replies that he must not love me or not want to get married. She then says they should "have fun while they can." Then he says he'll pass on the invitation and will just "go home, eat dinner and masturbate." He often makes sex jokes to people even at restaurants and I've confronted him about it already...so that joke doesn't surprise me.... My concern: He has insecurities about ME contacting exes but this woman sounds like an ex. He declined the invitation so am I jumping to conclusions. Am I trying to start a fight? As far as the marriage comments, I know we're not ready to get married since we live in different cities but he did propose. Is he cheating? Am I naive or overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
mercuryshadow Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 This is in no way excusable. Is it cheating? Perhaps in an emotional sense, but what is more blatantly obvious is his lack of respect for you and his relationship with you. If you excuse him of this, he's going to continue with this disgusting and dishonest behavior and it will only get worse. You teach people how to treat you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 This is in no way excusable. Is it cheating? Perhaps in an emotional sense, but what is more blatantly obvious is his lack of respect for you and his relationship with you. If you excuse him of this, he's going to continue with this disgusting and dishonest behavior and it will only get worse. You teach people how to treat you. Uhmmm... he said no? What exactly did the man do wrong here ? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 He says he has insecurities or "demons" as he calls them. He often accuses me calling or texting exes that I haven't talked to in years. Textbook. They blame you for the exact same thing they are doing because 1) it takes the focus off them 2) it alleviates the guilt they feel. Very smart to gaslight you -- making you feel like you're doing something wrong, when infact he's the one that's committing the offence. Makes it much easier to sneak around while you sit there and walk on eggshells because the poor man is so insecure and plagued with demons. He declined the invitation so am I jumping to conclusions. Am I trying to start a fight? Really? This does not even bother you -- just because he declined? Don't start a fight but do call him out on his behavior that it is inappropriate and wrong. Don't you feel disrespected? As far as the marriage comments, I know we're not ready to get married since we live in different cities but he did propose. Two different things. Not ready to get married versus telling someone he's going to drag it out like it's an inconvenience for him and it's the last thing he wants in his life. Not good. Is he cheating? Am I naive or overreacting? He's definitely disrespecting you and the relationship. Emotionally cheating at best. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mercuryshadow Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) In response to Keenly: She makes a comment about us being engaged and he says he'll drag it out as long as he can. She replies that he must not love me or not want to get married. This is the part that spoke the loudest. I discounted the "cheating" portion, for the most part. However, his conversations with this female are highly inappropriate. He may not have physically cheated, yet he is crossing a big red line with his banter. Edited June 10, 2014 by mercuryshadow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 She makes a comment about us being engaged and he says he'll drag it out as long as he can. She replies that he must not love me or not want to get married. This is the part that spoke the loudest. I discounted the "cheating" portion, for the most part. However, his conversations with this female are highly inappropriate. He may not have physically cheated, yet he is crossing a big red line with his banter. The comment about masturbating was enough. Completely inappropriate convo between any man who is committed and another woman. As for dragging out the engagement, I take it to mean he still wants playtime. I'd give it to him - unlimited. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gogoboots Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 So how do I bring it up? I mention the snooping? He hasn't admited to it, says he doesn't have contact with exes, only ex-wife who shares a child with him. I do feel disrespected. This is the only messages that she's sent and the conversation ended there. They aren't fb friends so from what I can tell, it's an old crush? I'm not making excuses for him...I know that's how it appears. Just trying to see another perspective... Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 So how do I bring it up? I mention the snooping? He hasn't admited to it, says he doesn't have contact with exes, only ex-wife who shares a child with him. I do feel disrespected. This is the only messages that she's sent and the conversation ended there. They aren't fb friends so from what I can tell, it's an old crush? I'm not making excuses for him...I know that's how it appears. Just trying to see another perspective... Just be 100% honest with him. I don't know why people think being honest is the wrong thing to do in these situations. Let him get mad at you for being honest because that shows you that he's trying to deflect the focus off what he did to you, rather than what he SHOULD DO which is to act like a man and own up to his behavior and then apologize to you. And if he doesn't apologize to you and if he doesn't acknowledge that his behavior to you and your engagement is offensive, then you have a nice preview of how he's going to treat problems that arise in your relationship AFTER you get married. Do you really want to marry a guy who can't handle the truth? Who can't own up to his behavior? Who doesn't respect his own fiance/wife's feelings? Confront him. Be honest. Tell him how his behavior makes you feel. Ask him why he acts that way and then ask him to stop acting that way because of how it makes you feel. If he won't comply, then you need to reconsider whether you want to marry him if won't even respect you. If you pussy foot around this and wait for him to bring it up, you'll wait for a long time. Now is not the time to be passive. You're engaged. This is a high priority for you to confront and nip in the bud. There shouldn't be ANY secrets between you and your fiance, especially where interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex are concerned. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 So how do I bring it up? I mention the snooping? He hasn't admited to it, says he doesn't have contact with exes, only ex-wife who shares a child with him. I do feel disrespected. This is the only messages that she's sent and the conversation ended there. They aren't fb friends so from what I can tell, it's an old crush? I'm not making excuses for him...I know that's how it appears. Just trying to see another perspective... You bring it up by being honest as to your findings. Chances are he is going to gaslight you and make you feel bad for going on his FB to deflect but don't back down. Stay on the subject. It doesn't matter if it's an ex or some lady he met on the street, what he is doing is disrespectful and wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I don't think it's cheating but it is indicative of a problem. Tell him exactly how you found the message & then ask him why he wrote what he did. To say that he'll "drag out" the engagement is a problem. Having a long engagement to save for the wedding or a house is fine. To drag it out without a specified reason . . . merits a discussion. If you two haven't put down deposits for the wedding don't. If you have, I hope you can get most of the money back. Either way you have some long serious talks in front of you. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 And whatever you do OP, do NOT let him walk all over you. Cowardly men love to gaslight when backed into a corner about their crappy behavior. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SomeHeart Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I hate to be negative but sometimes you have to trust your gut instinct. The problem with modern day relationships is that technology makes infidelity easy for those who are that way inclined. Talk to your partner , be honest and bold. See what he has to say. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 You don't know yet if it is cheating. Do not blow your cover yet by confronting on this. You have nothing. The term is projection, not gaslighting. Look it up. Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 It doesn't sound like you are overreacting to me. The very basis of marriage is love and commitment. Love must be exclusive and if that is an issue for either one of you why would you want to get married? In my experience, ignoring Red Flags in any relationship is very dangerous, especially if marriage is on the table. Having a serious heart-to-heart conversation sounds like a good place to start. Blessings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 And whatever you do OP, do NOT let him walk all over you. Cowardly men love to gaslight when backed into a corner about their crappy behavior. So do cowardly women OP, just listen to what he's telling you. A lot of the threads here on LS would be unnecessary if people just listened to what their partner is saying when they feel they can speak their mind. He wants to drag it on. Something you're looking forward to is something to drag on for him. Seems to have very little room for interpretation. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 She makes a comment about us being engaged and he says he'll drag it out as long as he can. She replies that he must not love me or not want to get married. She then says they should "have fun while they can." Then he says he'll pass on the invitation and will just "go home, eat dinner and masturbate." Insta-dump. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200. He has no respect for you, your feelings or your relationship. Men who are happy in their relationships do not say these things to other women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 (edited) So how do I bring it up? I mention the snooping? He hasn't admited to it, says he doesn't have contact with exes, only ex-wife who shares a child with him. I do feel disrespected. This is the only messages that she's sent and the conversation ended there. They aren't fb friends so from what I can tell, it's an old crush? I'm not making excuses for him...I know that's how it appears. Just trying to see another perspective... What kind of perspective are you searching for? Talking this way isn't acceptable no matter who he's speaking with. He could said those exact lines to anybody and it's still incredibly disrespectful. She might not even be an old flame, did you think of that? If this is how he interacts with a woman barely involved in his social life, then what do you think happens with his female coworkers, lady friends, former lovers, and acquaintances? Edited June 12, 2014 by ThatMan 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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