My cheater ex-boyfriend will do anything to have me back!

[turquoise88]

I have a dilemma! My cheater ex boyfriend wants me back! Here's some background information on my sad little life...

 

He was my first EVERYTHING. We we're together for 3 years and we we're mainly happy. There were times when I doubted his love for me because he rarely showed any affection towards me; but he would reassure me with his words, his actions rarely did. Anyway he was a good boyfriend in other ways and we were best friends!

 

He broke down and confessed to cheating in the beginning of April 2014. He said the cheating incident happened back in October 2013. He claims it was a one time mistake, drunken mistake. It was not a full on affair. I had no idea it ever happened! He claims he is an alcoholic (his father was and died because of it), he would go out to bars to drink and wouldn't tell me. I was completely oblivious to this! He confessed because he couldn't handle the guilt anymore. We broke up, I was shocked and devastated. Eventually 2 weeks after the break up he starts texting me asking how I was doing etc. Later admitting that he wants me back and is willing to do anything for me.

 

During the time apart, he used his time to better himself by quit drinking, quit smoking weed, working out, helping out friends, staying in, reading, eating better, etc. During that time I got right back into the dating scene (probably not the best idea) but it helped keep my mind busy and off of the ex. I've been on dates but I haven't slept with anyone new yet I don't know how too, I'm so inexperienced!

 

Anyway he wants me back now and he is saying all the right things. But to me it sounds too good to be true... my trust is gone and I don't think I can fully trust him. I agreed to be his friend because he says he's depressed and he hates himself and he is only happy when he can talk to me. I said that we can be friends and try to repair the trust as friends first. So I've met him in a neutral place like a park to talk about what happened between us and what he is willing to do to earn my trust. He said he will be completely transparent now. He will accept a GPS tracking app on his phone so I can monitor him, he will send pictures of what he is doing every hour, I can check his phone whenever I want; he also said he'll never pick up drinking again. I've learned that he's very serious about getting back together with me and is willing to do whatever I want.

 

Here's a text from him to give you an idea of how he is:

"I did learn and I'll forever be faithful from here on out. I know it will take a lot of time for you to trust me again but like I keep saying, I'm willing to do the work. I love you a lot. I messed up and regret it everyday. I hope one day you notice how much I love you and how much I regret my mistake and how I will be loyal from here on out. I understand if that day never happens though. You are a special girl that deserves the best and i wish to give you the best. I miss you a lot and I hope one day to hold you and comfort you again."

 

As you can see it sounds good but is it for real?! I agreed to work on our friendship and I also agreed to go out on a date with him to see if I have any romantic feelings for him left, if not then I'll let him know its dead. I have hung out with him once outside of the park setting and we got along and it felt like old times! With me occasionally bringing up the cheating :/

I don't know what to do... should I continue seeing him and see where it goes? or should I run away? I'm so confused. Him wanting me back has complicated things for me because I was trying to move on. I do still care for him and probably always will (he was my first love) but my rational side is wary of him, I have a feeling I may get hurt again and don't want to go through that again! I honestly don't know what to do... any advice/insight is greatly appreciated! thanks

Edited June 10, 2014 by turquoise88

[pteromom]

It sounds like he really is doing the work, if everything he is saying is true. He quit drinking, quit weed, got healthier, etc.

 

So there are a few questions to consider...

 

- How do you feel about him? Do you even WANT him back? You have to figure that out.

 

- Is what he is saying true, or is it just what you want to hear? Only time will tell.

 

- Is he willing to do anything to resolve THIS?

 

There were times when I doubted his love for me because he rarely showed any affection towards me;

 

So I would go on a few dates with him and see how you feel, firstly. With no pressure and no need to re-establish trust. Just see if your heart wants back in or not.

 

Do NOT sleep with him. Or even kiss him. Nothing that is going to interfere with figuring out how you feel.

 

During these dates, evaluate what he has told you and see if it is true. If he has a drink, you know he has lied to you.

 

If everything checks out - your feelings are growing and you believe what he has told you - then you have a discussion with him about what you want to see from him. More affection (with details about what that means to you); transparency; etc.

 

Then go from there. Slowly. Keep evaluating whether his actions and words line up.

[ThatGirl213]

Only time will tell. Take it slow if you really want to give him a chance. Don't ask too many question but be alert.

[Spectre]

Sorry, being a drunk isn't an excuse. It's nice and all he cleaned up his act, but if he loved you he wouldn't of cheated on you. Go find a guy who can get drunk and still keep it in his pants. As a man in a relationship I can confirm..it's actually not hard to do.

[ThatMan]

You're screwed.

I know that sounds melodramatic but you have serious and legitimate concerns to address about your own life. Seek out professional help immediately. The APA and Psychology Today both offer great therapist search engines to help you discover local therapists.

 

Now what does the word love mean to you?

It's actually a difficult question that takes an immense of thought and insight for anyone to answer. To me, love is all about sharing something with another person. Whether that's appreciating each other, different positive experiences, and then expressing that in my own unique way.

 

Attachments are when people look towards others to complete something within themselves. You view the relationship with your ex as an attachment. It is impossible to 'complete him', make his depression go away, or make him happy again. Happiness comes from within yourself and not external things like people, situations, and events. You have to walk into a relationship understanding what sincere and genuine love is and how that's different than an attachment. Being in any relationship right now with this exact mindset will set the precedence for some horrible experiences. You're screwed, basically, and you will continue to be in a really tough spot until you carefully evaluate your beliefs. That's where therapy will come in.

 

Leaving a first relationship is universally difficult. Everybody struggles to move on after their first time. But that does not mean you need to remain with an unhealthy person or sabotage yourself under the belief that you're hopelessly inexperience. Put yourself out there and broaden your horizons. Continue meeting new people. You don't need to sleep with them or enter a relationship with any of them. All you need is a different perspective on all this. There are other people out there who will treat you far better than he did by cheating on you. Let me spoil the ending for you: It really isn't difficult at all to find a guy who can drink and still keep in his pants. You can take my word for it, the word of other men here, and the word of new people that you'll eventually meet in life.

 

Also, because of your attitude of alcohol use; it's very likely that you have some form of codependency to sort through. Again, therapy, therapy, therapy, for the love of god please reach out for help. You deserve to be happy and I promise that whatever obstacles you face can be overcome. In your position it would be exceptionally prudent to avoid anybody and everybody who struggles with drug use. You need to write these people out of your life, completely.

 

Finally - It is too good to be true. When he does cheat on you again, which you can reasonably depend on, he'll prioritize his own personal comfort over making sure you're treated respectfully. Alcohol is never an excuse for poor behavior. He's done nothing but minimize his own choices in the story you've shared with us. It was an affair. Even drunken extra-relationship sex is an affair. Whether or not you wish to pursue things further with him; please do the right thing for yourself and choose to talk about this ordeal with a professional, okay?

Edited June 11, 2014 by ThatMan
completely rephrased

[HappyLove]

Don't be a glutton for punishment! Woohoo, he cleaned up his act for what a month or two? He is not a trustworthy person and is also an alcoholic! If you're set on having a miserable life then get back with him! You were cluless to EVERYTHING he did. He will easily fool you again. All that gps tracking stuff and taking pictures every hour crap is laughable. He's desperate. What matters here is YOU not him! YOU deserve a honest man. YOU deserve to date a man who would not sleep with a random person and risk your health. YOU deserve a man who wouldn't lie to you for months about cheating. YOU deserve a man who's not an alcoholic! YOU deserve a man who doesn't go out at nights getting drunk behind your back! Even besides all this it doesn't sound like you were very happy in the relationship! Did you even list one good thing about this guy?

[Womaneyezer]

If you're single and he cut off the woman he cheated with, why not? He seems sincere and is clearly more than willing to put forth the effort as illustrated in actions. While cheating is unacceptable, we as a people also have to realize that we are HUMAN. We make mistakes. He seems pretty apologetic, remorseful, but more importantly willing to change for you. I say give it a shot. I AM the relationship guru.

[Womaneyezer]

Wait, I didn't realize you guys only took 2 weeks apart. No, more time is needed apart before you guys should really start spending time again.

[Zahara]

I agreed to work on our friendship and I also agreed to go out on a date with him to see if I have any romantic feelings for him left, if not then I'll let him know its dead. I have hung out with him once outside of the park setting and we got along and it felt like old times! With me occasionally bringing up the cheating :/

 

I don't know what to do... should I continue seeing him and see where it goes? or should I run away? I'm so confused. Him wanting me back has complicated things for me because I was trying to move on. I do still care for him and probably always will (he was my first love) but my rational side is wary of him, I have a feeling I may get hurt again and don't want to go through that again! I honestly don't know what to do... any advice/insight is greatly appreciated! thanks

 

I'm confused by this. The "friendship" is not the issue here. Who cares about working on a friendship when one of the fundamentals of having a friendship has just been destroyed. And this isn't about a friendship, this is about regaining trust.

 

Two weeks is not enough time to create change. He may have done a 180 in that amount of time to appease you, and not with the intention of actually wanting change for himself.

 

And seeing that you are confused as to how you feel, I would suggest you two step away from each other for a period of time, 6 months -- that means NC on both parts -- this will allow you to gain some emotional and mental clarity while being away from him and time will also prove whether his intent to change is genuine and whether he is consistent in his want to change.

Edited June 11, 2014 by Zahara

[turquoise88]

OP Here: Wow. I’m appreciative of the replies but most don’t make me feel good… 

 

I have an update…

I went on a date with him recently and he picked me up and had flowers and a handwritten card for me. (These are the little things I always wanted more from him when we were together) Anyway we went to a nice restaurant and he did not get a drink. Afterwards he took me to a pottery/painting class, which was something new and different for me. Overall I had a good time with him and it all felt like old/good times. He was more attentive to me and he opened my car door, paid for everything, asked me questions about my day, etc.

He seems to really have changed but I don’t want to fall for it just yet as it’s too early to tell if it’s for real or not. Actions speak louder than words, and that’s what I’m trying to see. So far his actions seem to be matching up with what he’s saying. And the way he talks to me is similar to his text messages to me. BUT from most of these replies I’m learning that I shouldn’t even bother with seeing it out…

 

So far we’ve been keeping in touch and he texts me throughout the day. He also created a Instagram account where he posts pictures of what he’s doing frequently (our phones are being difficult and not receiving picture text messages) anyway he’s kept up with it even though I haven’t agreed to take him back.

I’ve let him know that I’m in a very difficult situation and making this decision is one of the hardest I have to face so far in my life. I don’t want to regret my decision! He says he understands and is willing to wait for me for however long that takes. I know he hasn’t been sober for too long but he’s working on it and claims he won’t ever drink again if it means having me back. He said that being drunk when it happened isn’t an excuse, he says that he was self-centered with an alcohol problem who hated who he was. I know it can easily happen again if I take him back so that is why I’m wary of the future with him; BUT he claims he’ll do whatever he can to prove that he’s a changed man.

 

He was my best friend, he made me laugh a lot, he was nice to me, he was always patient with me, listen to me whenever I was stressed out about school. So when I found out he cheated I was crushed and shocked that he would do that to me. I felt very sad that he didn’t communicate his problems to me, he just kept it to himself and let it get out of control. So I know our communication needs work if I go back…

 

Here’s more various texts from him:

• “I won't hurt you again and I won't make a fool of you. If you do come back to me I'll show you that it is your best decision that you make by being more loving than before and doing nice things to you everyday. Showing you love everyday, making you feel loved everyday, and making you happy everyday. I would be dedicated to you, more than any other person. Truly dedicated.”

• “I'm showing you my best right now, I'm new and improved. Judge me on the now and the future please. I only wish to make you happy. I'm trying to show you I'm a good safe decision and I will always be good and loyal from here on out.”

 

It’s just so hard for me right now, I have no one I can ask for advice because it’s all one sided. Everyone says don’t go back etc. That’s why I decided to go online and ask for help. I know if I go back I can get hurt again then it’ll be my fault and no one is going to comfort me like the first time  so all of this is making me really depressed as well.

Any input/advice/tough love is greatly appreciated again.

[Zahara]

 

It’s just so hard for me right now, I have no one I can ask for advice because it’s all one sided. Everyone says don’t go back etc. That’s why I decided to go online and ask for help. I know if I go back I can get hurt again then it’ll be my fault and no one is going to comfort me like the first time  so all of this is making me really depressed as well.

Any input/advice/tough love is greatly appreciated again.

 

I'm not sure what advice you need. At the end of the day, you have to decide what you need to do for yourself. No matter what advice is given, you will do what you want to do -- because it is what you want.

 

I recommended that you take 6 months away from him, to allow you mental and emotional clarity and to allow him to show you consistency and genuine want to change. There are those that say not to go back. There are those that tell you to take it slow. What does all that advice mean if you're just posting updates and going about what you want to do?

 

This is a risk that you have to take on your own. Personally, having been cheated on before, it is textbook for a cheater to come back full force with flowers, promises of change, remorse, etc. I did the wrong thing by taking one back because I took him back when I was emotional, like you. Looking back, I should have given myself time to heal, find clarity and therefore that would have allowed me to make a mentally rather than emotionally driven decision.

 

It's all you, OP. No one can tell you what to do. You need to gather the advice given on here, think about it -- away from him and decide. Or you can take the risk and just go for it.

[HappyLove]

"Everyone says don’t go back etc."

 

So even the people who know you two are all telling you not to go back. What are the reasons they give you?

[turquoise88]

They say similar things to what is being said on here. My friends and family will say: once a cheater, always a cheater. He'll do it again or he'll go back to his old ways. You can't trust him. He's an idiot don't go back to that. I don't want to see you get hurt again. What a loser, etc.

However I haven't talked to any of his friends about it; I'm curious to what they say about him...

 

 

Anyway it's all very one sided; and I understand where they are coming from. I have those feelings/thoughts all the time.

He's made things complicated by reaching out to me after 2 weeks. For a couple of weeks we just texted a bit and he came out with that he wanted me back; eventually meeting up to talk about what happened. It's been 2 months since the confession.

 

 

I appreciate the advice because I'm a very indecisive person and I think it helps me make thought out decisions. And this is a very difficult decision for me to make, I don't want to screw up.

 

 

 

@Zahara, you said you took back a cheater when you were emotional; did they cheat on you again?

[Zahara]

I appreciate the advice because I'm a very indecisive person and I think it helps me make thought out decisions. And this is a very difficult decision for me to make, I don't want to screw up.

 

It's hard to be decisive when the risk is great. I don't think you can make a well thought out decision when he controls how this pans out because you are basically giving your heart back to someone that just destroyed it. In that sense, screwing up plays no part because you basically have no control as to how this turns out because it is him that has to make the changes and consistently prove that he can give you what you want. You're the one that sits hoping and praying it works.

 

@Zahara, you said you took back a cheater when you were emotional; did they cheat on you again?

 

Yes, he did. You make the worst decisions when you are emotional. He did the same thing -- flowers, promises, change, etc. Another thing is that when you take a cheater back, so fast so soon, you're almost telling them that you have no boundaries, in that cheating is tolerated -- the punishment and repercussions minimal. They most likely may do it again if they know it's that easy to cheat and get away with it.

 

I'm not sure why you need to "fix" this now because he wants to fix it. He broke it. Let him wait for you to decide when, how, if you want to. Even if that means taking a few months of NC to yourself. If he really loves you the way he says he does, he'll wait and use that time to better himself. Why are you rushing this?

Edited June 11, 2014 by Zahara

[JustAnotherz]

You keep posting about him changing.... but no one could change so fast... i mean like within weeks or even months? You know it yourself deep in your heart aren't you...

 

From your post I know you want to get back together with him. But you must know that, since you asked question means you are still not ready to accept him once again. A relationship without trust only make you suffer and slowly kill you from inside.

[No Limit]

If you had, maybe, 5 years or more apart with no contact in any way and if you're really, really desperate for him, then I'd say yes.

 

But this is just ridiculous. You should be using the time cutting him out of your life and blocking him everywhere rather than fantasizing about his miraculous change of heart. Half of him is still just trying to ease his guilt anyway.

 

Your happiness doesn't depend on him, you know. There are many more guys out there, even faithful ones if you take your time to look for him.

[me85]

What do you WANT?

 

Go with your gut.

[pteromom]

It sounds promising so far, and I think you are being smart about it. Just go s-l-o-w-l-y and keep evaluating his actions and honesty.

 

I disagree with "once a cheater always a cheater". I absolutely believe that someone can make a choice like that and learn from it. I believe that if he didn't have a true alcohol dependency, it is possible to just stop drinking cold turkey when he realized that his drinking helped him make his poor choice.

 

Of course it is also possible he's a cheater, who is now lying to you to get you back, and will then cheat again. Only time will tell.

 

There is no need to make a decision yet. You are still gathering information.