Need OLD profile critique

[TheBladeRunner]

OK, so I swore I would never do it again......But I am hitting OLD again. I know, I know. IRL is getting some results, but I work from home, I have a social circle on the other side of town, and dag-nab-it, after all the work on myself I am ready to get back "out there".

 

I didn't want to write the standard run of the mill profile, so I opted for something REALLY different. I signed is as a woman to check out other guys profiles and in my age bracket (47) I have to say they all look and sound like total duds. It's the same ol' crap like "looking for my soul mate", "I'm honest", "I work hard", and the ever dreadful "I like sunset walks on the beach".

 

I get why people do this, but it's so unoriginal. I am going to try something a little different and I wanted to see what you guys think. The following profile is what I have posted. Criticism is welcome, but please no hater's or harshness. Suggestions are welcome as well, I want to stand out from the pack as best I can.

 

User Name: CreativeComedian

 

Headline: Creative "Funny Man" Looking for Something Different: Can You Read Between the Lines?

 

I may as well tell you I am not a very good guy. I refuse to open doors, if you get flowers from me they will be stolen from the neighbor’s yard, and whenever we meet for dinner or drinks my wallet is perpetually lost. I am a total “middle aged player”, I mean look at me. I look just like Vin Diesel, Brad Pit, and some other good looking man only shorter, stockier, balder (Vin Diesel), and although I exercise, I gave up on the six pack when I discovered carbohydrates are really good. I’d love to tell you that when I have my daughter 50% of the time I am the best parent in the world, but the fact is that I am letting the television raise her; that Elmo is so annoying! If you are laughing right now that’s good, you more than likely “get me”.

 

I would love to sit here and write how honest, happy, content, wealthy, interesting, and unique I am, but I feel actions speak louder than words and I would rather you see for yourself; I know I would. I Also think that the only way you’ll ever REALLY know if that “spark” is there is when you first meet and there’s that feeling…do you know the one I mean?

 

A little personal stuff about me:

 

Originally from Philadelphia, PA

 

I have lived in 7 states including Kodiak, AK

 

For my job I work virtually from my home

 

Writing is one of my favorite things because it allows me to be creative and express myself

 

There's a bunch more, I bet there is for you too; let's save the good stuff for when we meet.

 

So what do you say? Shall we meet for a drink? Just remember: it’s only a drink.

 

Please let me know your thoughts and any suggestions would be awesome. All the standard info for interests, music, occupation, and hobbies is filled out as just that.

Edited June 11, 2014 by TheBladeRunner
adding

[MidwestUSA]

I'd hit that. My profile was all humor, sarcasm, and tongue-in-cheek, so I get it. I can't take the run of the mill boring profiles.

 

Does your preferred age range go up to 52?

[TheBladeRunner]

I'd hit that. My profile was all humor, sarcasm, and tongue-in-cheek, so I get it. I can't take the run of the mill boring profiles.

 

Does your preferred age range go up to 52?

 

Heck no! 18 - 20 only! Yeah right! Actually I will go as low as 37 up to 57. Thanks for the feedback

[R3d]

Wow dude. What a profile!

[TheBladeRunner]

Wow dude. What a profile!

 

But did you like it? I really want to stay away from the typical garbage.

[MidwestUSA]

Heck no! 18 - 20 only! Yeah right! Actually I will go as low as 37 up to 57. Thanks for the feedback

 

 

Haha, I'd be there if you were 5'6". . Lots of luck to you!

 

 

(My husband is 47, such a perfect age)

[nofeelings22]

I'm sorry. I'm going to give critique. For a comedian, you didn't make me laugh.

 

I'm only a guy, but I think you have to ramp up the jokes. It may be that I've seen example profiles that read almost exactly like this before. You didn't sort of follow those, did you?

 

Was this 100% original? Because it's been done. Very similar to examples I have read.

[R3d]

But did you like it? I really want to stay away from the typical garbage.

 

Yeah man it was great.

[nofeelings22]

I do ok in old and girls often say they loved reading my profile. When you write it, go with a flow, from the stream of consciousness. Write an entire page in the manner you would habve a conversation with a friend (female friend you are flirting with). Get witty, but speak with the reader while you let a few witty jokes come through. Write like a conversation. After writing the whole page, go back and pick out your best part(s) and use those.

 

Tell them what you know they want to hear as well.

[MidwestUSA]

I'm sorry. I'm going to give critique. For a comedian, you didn't make me laugh.

 

I'm only a guy, but I think you have to ramp up the jokes. It may be that I've seen example profiles that read almost exactly like this before. You didn't sort of follow those, did you?

 

Was this 100% original? Because it's been done. Very similar to examples I have read.

 

This from a woman. If he ramps it up too much, he'll lose part of his audience. A woman needs to KNOW that he's only joking, and has a serious side.

 

His goal is a few chuckles but more importantly, curiosity - what's behind it. He's not doing stand up. Kudos to him for keeping it fairly short and simple (and I don't mean simple minded).

 

If you read enough profiles, you'll see that EVERYTHING's been done before.

[Under The Radar]

But, honestly ...... I think it's really good ...... I liked it.

[nofeelings22]

This from a woman. If he ramps it up too much, he'll lose part of his audience. A woman needs to KNOW that he's only joking, and has a serious side.

 

His goal is a few chuckles but more importantly, curiosity - what's behind it. He's not doing stand up. Kudos to him for keeping it fairly short and simple (and I don't mean simple minded).

 

If you read enough profiles, you'll see that EVERYTHING's been done before.

 

 

Hmm... probably depends on who he is looking to attract I guess as well.

 

I'm thinking if you label yourself a comedian, then there are no laughs in the profile... kind of a let down. He sets an expectation in the title/header.

 

And I'd beg to different that everything has been done. You shouldn't write a profile in such a way that it's a half cousin to a pickup line.

 

You have to flow it. Thats why I suggested he write an entire page then narrow it down.

 

There are no ther profiles like mine anywhere because it's me coming through, not some sort of crafted pick up line type of thing. I put my real self in it and engaged the reader, while hitting on points I know they are looking to hear.

 

My inbox, after a few months:

 

INBOX

You have: 781 Messages in your Inbox

 

You have: 577 Unread Messages

 

OUTBOX

You have sent: 168 Messages

 

You have to stand out.

[normal person]

It's different (although I've seen a lot of other profiles like this), which is good, and some people will find it funny, which is also good. My only critique is that there's not much said that's substantial about you as an individual.

 

"I would love to sit here and write how honest, happy, content, wealthy, interesting, and unique I am, but I feel actions speak louder than words and I would rather you see for yourself; I know I would"

 

You're basically just expecting them to take a leap of faith and take your word for all these things. You might need to put a little of it on display rather than just expect a free pass from people. The name of the game is "show, don't tell." Anyone can use character traits to describe themselves. But for the reader it doesn't really "take" until they experience it in an example. Saying simply "I'm adventurous" doesn't have the same affect as "I climbed K2," y'know what I mean?

 

Your profile is interesting and it does display your uniqueness but perhaps you could put in some more non-trivial stuff instead of just a promise to be amazing when you meet the girl in person.

 

Lines I don't think you need:

- If you are laughing right now that’s good, you more than likely “get me”.

The joke referenced was pretty generic. Saying this afterwards is like saying "Woah, we both like hamburgers, we're so unique/meant for each other."

 

"So what do you say? Shall we meet for a drink? Just remember: it’s only a drink."

 

This sounds desperate and there's no reason for it to be in there. By insisting that "it's only a drink" I get the impression that you feel women are already hesitant about meeting you, it isn't a good look. Ideally you want to portray yourself as the one they want to meet and you're hesitant to meet them. With a statement like this you're devaluating yourself and making her the prize. A girl is obviously on the site to meet guys. If she likes you, she's going to go out with you regardless of whether you put a preemptive invitation in your profile.

 

Good job though, I think it's better than most.

[TheBladeRunner]

It's different (although I've seen a lot of other profiles like this), which is good, and some people will find it funny, which is also good. My only critique is that there's not much said that's substantial about you as an individual.

 

 

You're basically just expecting them to take a leap of faith and take your word for all these things. You might need to put a little of it on display rather than just expect a free pass from people. The name of the game is "show, don't tell." Anyone can use character traits to describe themselves. But for the reader it doesn't really "take" until they experience it in an example. Saying simply "I'm adventurous" doesn't have the same affect as "I climbed K2," y'know what I mean?

 

Your profile is interesting and it does display your uniqueness but perhaps you could put in some more non-trivial stuff instead of just a promise to be amazing when you meet the girl in person.

 

Lines I don't think you need:

- If you are laughing right now that’s good, you more than likely “get me”.

The joke referenced was pretty generic. Saying this afterwards is like saying "Woah, we both like hamburgers, we're so unique/meant for each other."

 

"So what do you say? Shall we meet for a drink? Just remember: it’s only a drink."

 

This sounds desperate and there's no reason for it to be in there. By insisting that "it's only a drink" I get the impression that you feel women are already hesitant about meeting you, it isn't a good look. Ideally you want to portray yourself as the one they want to meet and you're hesitant to meet them. With a statement like this you're devaluating yourself and making her the prize. A girl is obviously on the site to meet guys. If she likes you, she's going to go out with you regardless of whether you put a preemptive invitation in your profile.

 

Good job though, I think it's better than most.

 

Better than most is good enough to start, this is the whole reason I put this on here, for opinions. Loosely based on similar ideas, but the copy is all mine. I did not want to go over the top as well, I could be much worse. I agree with "it's just drinks", you confirmed it I will pull it. As far as what it says about me, she can figure that out when she meets me. I don't know how many profiles I have read where it says a ton about the person and you meet them, get to know them a little, and they are NOTHING like what they said they were.

 

As far as promising, I don't recall promising anything in there, but I'll check.

Edited June 11, 2014 by TheBladeRunner
Missed something

[Under The Radar]

Dude, you had me at "creative funny man".

 

 

I'm not gay, but if I was, I'd be all over this profile.

 

 

Seriously, I'm just glad you are giving OLD another shot ...... it takes a lot of courage to get back out there ...... especially after a difficult divorce.

 

 

Best of luck .

[TheBladeRunner]

Dude, you had me at "creative funny man".

 

 

I'm not gay, but if I was, I'd be all over this profile.

 

 

Seriously, I'm just glad you are giving OLD another shot ...... it takes a lot of courage to get back out there ...... especially after a difficult divorce.

 

 

Best of luck .

 

Thanks UTR! And thanks to the critics as well. I do internet marketing for a small software company and although I hold my own in that area, this dating stuff is a whole different ball game. I was dating before, but I needed more time to heal and after 10 months I am back at it.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm a single woman your age.

 

I love men with a sense of humor but your profile didn't do it for me. Just being honest. Seems like you are trying way too hard.

 

I would rather respond to someone more honest. I tend to respond to men who can really show who they are in their profiles. In my experience that is about 0.1 percent of all OLD profiles.

[normal person]

As far as what it says about me, she can figure that out when she meets me.

 

That's the thing though, you need to get her to meet your first. You need to have enough "bait" to get her there. You have some in the stylistic way that you wrote your profile, I'm just concerned that it's not enough. You're just assuming women are going to bypass the fact that you haven't really written about much about yourself as an individual. It might be enough for some women but if I were you I'd maximize my chances and let the reader know more about me, not just trivial stuff.

 

To catch a fish you need to put the bait on the hook and drop it into the water. Not just tell the fish that you have a lot of bait and you promise to give them some later if they'll just jump in the boat. Do you see what I mean?

 

The onus is on you to display yourself in the page so that they'll go out with you. You need to get your foot in the door first. You're putting the cart before the horse if you expect them to just go out with you so that they can then be impressed. You have to impress them to get them in that position.

 

I don't know how many profiles I have read where it says a ton about the person and you meet them, get to know them a little, and they are NOTHING like what they said they were.

 

While I agree with you, other people misrepresenting themselves doesn't really exempt you from having to write anything significant about yourself truthful or otherwise. Women don't owe you consideration or the benefit of the doubt.

 

Keep in mind the number of people who claim to struggle with online dating. My guess is it's a lot of the same people who phone in or lie about themselves in their profiles. You've got a great start setting yourself apart from these people already, why stop there?

[Snakechammah]

 

User Name: CreativeComedian

 

Headline: Creative "Funny Man" Looking for Something Different: Can You Read Between the Lines? (Can you find a wittier headline? This reads like an ad, kinda common, maybe you can write a funny quote instead, something from your favourite movies, tv shows, whatever your interest are)

 

I may as well tell you I am not a very good guy. I refuse to open doors, if you get flowers from me they will be stolen from the neighbor’s yard, and whenever we meet for dinner or drinks my wallet is perpetually lost. I am a total “middle aged player”, (As a woman, these few sentences already turned me off. Don't sell yourself as a bad guy because girls who are serious about a real relationship is looking for a responsible guy. If you put this up, it's like you telling them straight in the face that you're no gentleman and you're likely to be a douchebag. And this is you being honest about it. This doesnt work for me)

 

I mean look at me. I look just like Vin Diesel, Brad Pit, and some other good looking man only shorter, stockier, balder (Vin Diesel), and although I exercise, I gave up on the six pack when I discovered carbohydrates are really good. (Don't talk about looks at all, it screams vanity. Just let your pictures do the tallking.)

 

I’d love to tell you that when I have my daughter 50% of the time I am the best parent in the world, but the fact is that I am letting the television raise her; that Elmo is so annoying! (I like that you mention your daughter. This is a good, keep it in)

 

If you are laughing right now that’s good, you more than likely “get me”. (I'd say take this out, sounds a little desperate to be 'funny')

 

I would love to sit here and write how honest, happy, content, wealthy, interesting, and unique I am, but I feel actions speak louder than words and I would rather you see for yourself; I know I would. I Also think that the only way you’ll ever REALLY know if that “spark” is there is when you first meet and there’s that feeling…do you know the one I mean? (Also, these sentences don't work for me. As a writer, the basic philosophy is 'show, don't tell'. Don't write about what you're not, write about what you are. And don't give a laundry list. Show the girls in your writing WHO YOU ARE, your interest (without listing them) Also don't preach about sparks or that sort of thing. Don't overpromise either. Trust me, the girls who are smart WILL know what they are looking for, you don't have to 'tell' them. This entire sentence feels like you are telling the girls what they should be thinking. Don't insult their intelligence!)

 

A little personal stuff about me:

 

Originally from Philadelphia, PA

 

I have lived in 7 states including Kodiak, AK

 

For my job I work virtually from my home

 

Writing is one of my favorite things because it allows me to be creative and express myself (If you mention you're a writer, chances are the pressure is on to make sure your profile and your emails are up to standard.)

 

There's a bunch more, I bet there is for you too; let's save the good stuff for when we meet.

 

So what do you say? Shall we meet for a drink? Just remember: it’s only a drink. (This is a generic invitation for ALL the girls. Save this only for the girls you really like. Putting this in will automatically makes 'careful' girls think you're going to date ANY girl that approaches you. Even as a guy, you need to project yourself as hard to get. Not someone who goes for drink with any Susan, Jane or Mary)

 

 

As a former OLD member, these are my input. If you want to stand out from the pack, I'd suggest you showcase your interest and knowledge instead.

 

Right now, from what I gather, I don't know who you are except you have a kid, work at home, and lived in Philadelphia and Kodiak. The rest are you trying to be funny.

 

Being funny should NOT be the content, but should be reflected in the way you write. So write about your favourite hobby and set the tone to be friendly and in a jokey manner. Or combine another interest into the sentence. Say, if your hobby is running and you like StarWars, you could write you imagine Darth Vader chasing you with a lightsaber that makes you run for marathons, anything that SHOWS your interest so at the end of the read, the girl feels like she just had an awesome conversation with you, and knows a little bit more of who you are.

 

So that's my take. Do note that some girls may not read your profile until you've sent them a message. And to be honest, it's mostly the content of your messages that make or break a connection.

 

All the best!

[TheBladeRunner]

All you guys, keep it coming, this really helps.

[Hope Shimmers]

All you guys, keep it coming, this really helps.

 

Just be honest about who you are and what you want. Think about it and talk about that in depth. That's what women want to know.

 

Here's one thing that men don't get on OLD - you don't "literally" have to tell women that you are funny or articulate or whatever. Just forget all of that. Instead let your writing do the talking for you. You say you are a writer, so great! Don't try to be funny in your profile - it comes off as trying too hard and fake.

 

Women that you REALLY want to attract are the ones who connect with what you say in your profile as if you were talking. Don't make a joke of it or try to be funny. Just be honest and from the heart.

Edited June 11, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[jonsnuh]

Nice! Just curious, what site is this used for? I've found OKC to be a bit more restrictive with its categories compared to POF and Match.com.

[Gaeta]

I am your age and I would have answered a message from you because your profile made me smile. I like when a man can laugh at himself.

 

Some women like profile that read like an autobiography, not me.

[Kid_Charlemange]

This from a woman. If he ramps it up too much, he'll lose part of his audience. A woman needs to KNOW that he's only joking, and has a serious side.

 

I'm a guy, but that's what I thought as well... I think he hits the right balance. Ramp it up too far and it'll be like "Is he serious?" And if there are too many jokes, it gets old.

 

I like it. Might steal it even! (jk)

Edited June 13, 2014 by Kid_Charlemange

[TheBladeRunner]

I'm a guy, but that's what I thought as well... I think he hits the right balance. Ramp it up too far and it'll be like "Is he serious?" And if there are too many jokes, it gets old.

 

I like it. Might steal it even! (jk)

 

Thanks everyone! I write for several financial/day trading related blogs and everything I post is what we call in the business edu/sales. It took me forever to get that right and frankly, this OLD profile thing is such a different ballgame.

 

I really appreciate all the Shack support, criticism, and the comments! I am still working on my profile and when I finish I'll ask again. Like so many have said, there needs to be a balance and that is what I am working on.