dogeared Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Three days ago H and I found out we are expecting. H got excited and ordered a couple books on Amazon about pregnancy. I think it's great, especially since some other women I know have gotten into huge fights with their husbands, because they demanded he read certain pregnancy books and their husbands did not. BUT. Tonight after dinner, H starts reading his pregnancy book, and I am trying to read a novel. He read every other sentence out loud to me, and I engaged with him and made comments and stuff, so it was basically like reading the book together. A couple times H said I should be reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting." I just kept doing what I was doing, and then he said "What kind of a woman are you?" I'm so hurt and angry, which I said to him, and he apologized, so it's not like there's anything else to be done. I just am dumbstruck. No one has ever said anything so crummy to me before. Especially not my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Well, it was a rude comment for sure. Perhaps he's just really, overly excited and wants you to share in his enthusiasm. I'm not going to lie though, I really can't figure men out really. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dogeared Posted June 11, 2014 Author Share Posted June 11, 2014 I am trying to understand that possibly he doesn't get that I can be excited in my own way, which doesn't involve reading books about pregnancy. Between friends/family who have had children, social media where everyone feels compelled to post really personal details about pregnancy minute by minute, and living life in general I know what I need to know about actually being pregnant, and everything else the doctor can tell me. I've been planning ideas for a nursery, thinking about names, looking for daycares to tour and get put on the wait list...I don't need to read books about how my body will change and how miserable and fat I'm going to be, and how crazy I will feel, and how many things can go wrong and cause birth defects. When I'm ready to read a book it will be on parenting, not on how awful/magical pregnancy is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dogeared Posted June 11, 2014 Author Share Posted June 11, 2014 Honestly, it sounds like such a silly situation that I would think he was kidding. No, he was angry that he was reading about pregnancy and I was not. We talked about it, I'm just still not OK with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Sounds like the pregnancy is causing ur hormones to be out of whack. If u had read that book, you'd know to expect this. Just kidding! But seriously... His comment didn't sound bad to me at all. More like something I'd say to my partner or a friend as a joke. What kind of woman are u, anyway? Just kidding! See, it's funny.... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 When he says, "What kind of a woman are you anyway," why not tell him what kind of a woman you are? Meaning, explaining what you just wrote. If he was that excited about your pregnancy, it was a great opportunity for further relationship bonding. Since he's the dad, what fun it would be to really get into sharing the experience with him in the way he was initiating. Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Dear Dogeared, I try to post coherently and your posts have me a bit disorganized, especially when I consider them in the entirety with your first thread from January. First, I have to tell you congratulations to you and your husband on your pregnancy and while I am a man and cannot possibly empathize in a way a woman can I am a father and grandfather who is still amazed and hopeful for this world because of your condition. I came of age in the sixties, a time of emphasis on justice, equality and fairness. My daughter wasn't in my arms for two seconds that my world view changed to one of concern for safety, happiness and stability for me and my family. You or perhaps it was another poster who described your husband as a toddler, maybe he is just reacting to his world changing and needs reassurace he can not only handle the change but master it. A baby will not only change lofty things like your world view, it will change and challenge more important things like your aspects toward each other and mundane things like two o'clock feedings. He will no longer have the ability to check his E-mail before attending to his baby's needs. Babies are far more demanding than a dog and make you pay big time for any lack of attention. You've called it "his" book, are you treating this pregnancy as "yours"? His y chromosone is going to cause him to do things that will tick you off in both the near and distant future. Pick your battles wisely. I don't think this should be one of them. Good luck and good health, Twosadthings 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 I am trying to understand that possibly he doesn't get that I can be excited in my own way, which doesn't involve reading books about pregnancy. Between friends/family who have had children, social media where everyone feels compelled to post really personal details about pregnancy minute by minute, and living life in general I know what I need to know about actually being pregnant, and everything else the doctor can tell me. I've been planning ideas for a nursery, thinking about names, looking for daycares to tour and get put on the wait list...I don't need to read books about how my body will change and how miserable and fat I'm going to be, and how crazy I will feel, and how many things can go wrong and cause birth defects. When I'm ready to read a book it will be on parenting, not on how awful/magical pregnancy is. Then tell him that. The books have a lot of useful advice about concrete steps you can take to make the pregnancy safer and more comfortable. And a bunch of stuff your doctor won't tell you about (nothing wrong with doctors but they only have so much time and so many patients). Tell him you can't bear to think about what could go wrong and you need him to help and read the books so he can get you the useful stuff without the scary stuff? With how enthusiast he seems to be I would think he will jump to the plate. You seem to be taking his comment very seriously and to me (and apparently a lot of others here) it would be something said more in jest than seriously. But obviously I don't know your husband - is it characteristic for him to demean you? If it isn't, then I would really take it as a jest and not worry about it. If it is, then you have other problems to worry about anyway. Your situation is not unique. My fiancee went off a few times after a comment I made as a joke, then apologized later. And she made similar comments about the books - did not want to think about the birth defects, etc. I read them for her and researched online to make sure she was getting the right nutrition (I usually cook so that was easy), that her meds were not counter indicated (which they were and that the doctor did NOT catch by the way), encouraged her to exercise, got the right pain medicine, lotion, prenatal massage, knew what the symptoms were for false labor, pre-eclampsia, etc, had the list of questions to ask the doctor at each appointment. I'm your typical alpha geek and always research as much as I can before a new situation, maybe your husband is the same way. I still wish she had read the books because it made me feel like she was not getting as invested as I was? But everything worked out fine and she loved it. Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Congrats on the pregnancy! Btw, as a woman, I can totally relate to wanting to avoid TMI after a certain point. If I were pregoant and forced to learn more about bowel movements during labor, vaginal tears, or the benefits of eating the placenta, I'm not sure I'd go through with it. Ignorance is bliss as far as I am concerned! Better to be surprised than anxiously awaiting all the things which could go wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Could it be that it was more about sharing the experience with you and being a part of it with you than it was about the information you would get from the book? Since you are a woman you have friends and family for many years that you've heard describe pregnancy, childbirth and all that goes with it. But, possibly men haven't had all of this prior information so it's all new to him. Plus, being your husband he may be wanting to find ways to bond with you during this. When a guy you love is looking for ways to bond, it's a real opportunity! Hey, rope him in so that by the time the baby gets here he'll be 100% committed and ready to jump in with both feet and do some serious diaper changing! (tongue in cheek.......) Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 What are you going to do when real problems occur??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 H should read the chapter on emotional effects of pregnancy. Perhaps he can adjust his communication style a bit. My instinct is that he was happy and engrossed in all the new learning to provide that manly thing for his pregnant wife, protection and solutions, and wanted his teammate right there with him and handled rejection of that request poorly. By the time it's over, he'll be better, or dead Best wishes for a healthy and hopefully happy pregnancy. H will come around. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 He's just feeling helpless in protecting the baby who is inside of you. It"s not a bad idea to at least browse the internet because there are specifics you want to avoid especially in the first trimester, like hot baths and such. Then to each its own if knowing controls your anxiety or adds to it. Would you rather know you could get bad Charlie horses in the second trimester or just wake up from sleeping screaming in pain wondering what's wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
chakra_str0ng Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 I am trying to understand that possibly he doesn't get that I can be excited in my own way, which doesn't involve reading books about pregnancy. Between friends/family who have had children, social media where everyone feels compelled to post really personal details about pregnancy minute by minute, and living life in general I know what I need to know about actually being pregnant, and everything else the doctor can tell me. I've been planning ideas for a nursery, thinking about names, looking for daycares to tour and get put on the wait list...I don't need to read books about how my body will change and how miserable and fat I'm going to be, and how crazy I will feel, and how many things can go wrong and cause birth defects. When I'm ready to read a book it will be on parenting, not on how awful/magical pregnancy is. This sounds like something you should tell him. As for the rude comment... You're married and expecting and this is the first rude comment you've gotten from him? That's kind of a good thing imo. What he said is rude and I definitely understand where you're coming from seeing as that he basically insinuated that you don't care about this pregnancy. If his comment really hurt you this bad then you should talk to him about it and tell him exactly why it hurt you like it did. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 Dogeared, it's hard to believe that his comment made you hurt and angry. Given how many sperm donors are out there and how many of their children are abandoned without any concern from them, there are many mothers who would love to have had a father-to-be like it sounds like your husband is. In light of what I just said, I find it very endearing that so early on he has made this effort and is already fully invested. Your feeling should be one of gratitude. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Your answer: The kind of woman that will be carrying around a huge baby inside of her, having to pee constantly, had morning sickness, and finally have a human ripping out of her. If he wants you to read the book so much he can read it to you, or make him carry the baby in HIS body. Owell at least he apologized, but it was rather rude Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I'm trying to figure out what the problem is. You're upset because your husband is excited about your pregnancy and wants to share it with you? Wow, things are sure to get a lot worse if that bothers you. I would have loved nothing more than to have a husband like that during the pregnancy of my three kids with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Your answer: The kind of woman that will be carrying around a huge baby inside of her, having to pee constantly, had morning sickness, and finally have a human ripping out of her. If he wants you to read the book so much he can read it to you, or make him carry the baby in HIS body. Owell at least he apologized, but it was rather rude Totally disagree. Don't know if you have ever had kids, but it doesn't sound like it. I had issues with infertility and anyone who does, and reads this post, will really hurt. Also for women in abusive marriages where the H doesn't support her in any way (like mine was) this is hard to read. Please don't make it sound like growing and giving birth to a human being is something terrible and to be dreaded. It is the opposite - the most amazing thing in this world. As for the original post, it always seems to be the women with great, supportive husbands who take it for granted. They should see what it's like on the other end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 i would reply what kind of woman are you to ask......with a smile and then tease him about being more excited about it than i was...and ay you can be excited but i am the one who has to birth a football so give me some room there or i wont let you in the room when i give birth to that football....thats a tease......and the first thing that poppedinto my head when i read your post.....footballs coming out of a vagina can actually be quite painful i had one that was nne pound ten adn i tell ya levity needed and gas to make me giggle while pausing between pushes..........and yes birth deserves a little levity helps stop fearful thoughts..........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Lisey9 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 I'm trying to figure out what the problem is. You're upset because your husband is excited about your pregnancy and wants to share it with you? Wow, things are sure to get a lot worse if that bothers you. I would have loved nothing more than to have a husband like that during the pregnancy of my three kids with him. That is obviously not why the OP is upset. In fact, she specifically stated that she thinks it's great that he is excited and wants to read books. She also specifically stated in her OP as well as subsequent posts that her husband was NOT joking, that she was fully engaged with him while he was reading out loud to her and talking to him about it, even though she was trying to do her own thing, and that they did talk about. It is not supportive or helpful to be put down by your husband because you are not doing exactly what he thinks you should be doing exactly when he thinks you should be doing it. I really don't understand why everyone is putting down the OP. Women are crazy. I've also had plenty of friends who had screaming fights with their husbands and kicked them out of the house because he wouldn't read a pregnancy book that they demanded he read. Not reading a book about pregnancy does not mean the husband is not supportive or that he isn't a good father, or that he isn't supportive of his wife or do other things for her. Geez people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisey9 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Totally disagree. Don't know if you have ever had kids, but it doesn't sound like it. I had issues with infertility and anyone who does, and reads this post, will really hurt. Also for women in abusive marriages where the H doesn't support her in any way (like mine was) this is hard to read. Please don't make it sound like growing and giving birth to a human being is something terrible and to be dreaded. It is the opposite - the most amazing thing in this world. As for the original post, it always seems to be the women with great, supportive husbands who take it for granted. They should see what it's like on the other end. Then maybe you should get off the internet. Being asked "What kind of woman are you" by an angry partner just because she is not doing what he thinks she should be doing at that exact moment does not sound great or supportive to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iiiii Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 That was a rude thing to say. I would have been offended too. Just because you're not obsessing about this pregnancy every moment of the day doesn't mean you're not a "real woman". However, if he's apologized, I guess you will just need to accept the apology and let it go. We all let rude things slip out sometimes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 (edited) If he wants to read together, I think you might find a book on effective communication. I'm serious - if there are any issues now, they will be greatly magnified once the baby comes along, especially as it doesn't sound as though he's going to be a hands-off father who has the mother doing all the caretaking. It sounds as though you will really have to be partners and communicate well. Edited June 15, 2014 by lollipopspot Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Then maybe you should get off the internet. Or maybe you should. My post wasn't directed at you so relax. I have as much right to be here as you or anyone. I stand by my response. I don't see the big problem. But then I was in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage for a long time so my perspective of what constitutes a 'problem' is likely different. There are a hell of a lot bigger problems in marriage than this. My opinion. Please do not comment further on my posts unless they are directed at you. Link to post Share on other sites
alwayshere Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Bottom line, the OP lives in HER marriage, and when her husband basically berated her for not reading a book RIGHT NOW (when they just found out about the pregnancy), it hurt. That kind of remark would hurt me too. It would feel like he was saying I was going to be a bad mother just because I wasn't devouring a baby book MONTHS before I gave birth. Just because he doesn't beat her doesn't mean she can't be hurt by such a thoughtless question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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