Feeling like a whore

[Mycatsnuggles]

I wrote in another thread about the good girl syndrome. Why as a MOW I needed to feel special and in love with my affair partner. If it was special, if we were in love I was still a good girl. It has begun such a negative thought process. Was I deceiving myself for the entire relationship? Was I really nothing but an unpaid whore to him?

 

Feels horrible. Maybe some of you cannot relate. I grew up in a time when good girls didn't have random sex, we didn't have Jersey Shore and the like with men and women hooking up with random people and flaunting it to society. If a girl had sex it was generally with her boyfriend and if it wasn't she was a slut. It's hard for me to move beyond that thinking. Hard for many male BS if what I read on here is accurate.

 

I don't like myself today. Especially towards the end as I met this man more and more at his demands. Many say on here how awful cheaters are what terrible people we are. Is it all true? Am I really nothing but a trampy whore.

 

He never said negative things to me, always sweet and kind but I wonder was he really all along just looking for cheap actually free sex and never had feelings for me? We were together three years, could he have faked emotion for three years?

 

Lol, damn I must a been good sex. (Sorry the last is my sarcastic humor which takes over to prevent the hurt).

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I wrote in another thread about the good girl syndrome. Why as a MOW I needed to feel special and in love with my affair partner. If it was special, if we were in love I was still a good girl. It has begun such a negative thought process. Was I deceiving myself for the entire relationship? Was I really nothing but an unpaid whore to him?

 

Feels horrible. Maybe some of you cannot relate. I grew up in a time when good girls didn't have random sex, we didn't have Jersey Shore and the like with men and women hooking up with random people and flaunting it to society. If a girl had sex it was generally with her boyfriend and if it wasn't she was a slut. It's hard for me to move beyond that thinking. Hard for many male BS if what I read on here is accurate.

 

I don't like myself today. Especially towards the end as I met this man more and more at his demands. Many say on here how awful cheaters are what terrible people we are. Is it all true? Am I really nothing but a trampy whore.

 

He never said negative things to me, always sweet and kind but I wonder was he really all along just looking for cheap actually free sex and never had feelings for me? We were together three years, could he have faked emotion for three years?

 

Lol, damn I must a been good sex. (Sorry the last is my sarcastic humor which takes over to prevent the hurt).

 

Who knows what he wanted. These men that seem to connect sexually but not emotionally, baffle me.

 

As far as being a dirty whore. Oh dear. how does one even address that. Women are sexual beings. We love sex, it is natural to like sex, to want to feel physical with another person. Just like men we desire it and there are some experts in the field of sex study that believe that in fact women are naturally MORE sexual than men. So you basically acted on an instinct that most women have and suppress. Your terminology about being a dirty whore is very patriarchal and societal. Post victorian anti sex jargon.

 

Be sexual and be proud, but don't hurt yourself or other people.

[Waverly]

I don't know your story, MCS. But I do understand the desire to make sure it meant something, and how if it didn't, then where does that leave you? Why did you do this, if it didn't involve Real Feelings, and Deep Connections, and all that other stuff that we tell ourselves makes it all worthwhile?

 

I still believe all of that, by the way. I don't think I should have had an affair, but I don't think that I'm a whore because I did. I think BOTH of us had very very strong emotions, and we chose to get ourselves into a situation where there was destined to be an unhappy ending. I regret it, it was a mistake, it's pretty much un-done the person that I was. (Not to, you know, be too dramatic about it or anything.)

 

But -- those feelings were real, and just because it ended doesn't mean that I (or he) was lying about them. You know the truth of your situation better than anyone else.

[gettingstronger]

I mean this gently as I know you are hurting. When I think of our OW I don't think of her as a whore but I don't get how she could take time away from her kids to follow my husband to business trips. I don't see how either of them could lie to easily to those that love them. Maybe because I am female those things seem worse than the sexual aspect of it. In the end all you can do is learn to forgive yourself and be a better person. Be someone YOU feel good about being. Take care.

[jwi71]

Was I deceiving myself for the entire relationship? Was I really nothing but an unpaid whore to him?

 

You'll NEVER know the truth so these are POINTLESS and damaging Q's.

If you ask your xMM - what will he say? Would you believe him?

Would it even matter?

 

This sounds like guilt to me.

 

Many say on here how awful cheaters are what terrible people we are. Is it all true?

 

No, not all bad. But they ALL display some really bad decision making.

And, lets not forget perspective - when the A is "good" - the WS certainly appears pretty awesome do they not? But then things turn south - well, its gets WAY more interesting than a "normal" R do they not?

 

Ultimately, in time, the WS must ask themselves a fundamental Q: What do I want from this? And, in this question, begins the unraveling of it all.

 

Am I really nothing but a trampy whore.

 

No.

Would it matter? Are trampy whores unworthy of love?

 

He never said negative things to me, always sweet and kind but I wonder was he really all along just looking for cheap actually free sex and never had feelings for me? We were together three years, could he have faked emotion for three years?

 

Unlikely. What I believe is the WS gets REALLY good at compartmentalization - this life in this box, that life in that box - but always one box more important than the other. The pressing question for the AP is - which box are you in? And its less reflection of YOU - than of the WS.

[violet1]

You will read on the forums how bad of a person you are just because you cheated. Even if you are in the process of doing all the right things and fixing your life, you'll still be told you're a terrible human being by some posters. In the grand scheme of things though, does it really matter what internet strangers think of you? It's how you view yourself that counts. If you believe you're a bad person than you need to ponder why you feel this way and make changes accordingly.

 

Generally speaking no one likes being lied to. I can't argue that the behavior of a cheater is awful, but it does NOT mean you are a horrible person doomed to suffer for all eternity. It's been about two months since I've had my last D Day. There are days I feel so awful that I can barely breathe. I think what you are going through is natural considering the circumstances.

 

There were times during and after my A that I've felt like a dirty whore. I felt this way because cheating is very unlike me. I was always a very loyal and honest person. These were qualities that I loved about myself. I struggled deeply with the internal battle of who am I? Am I no longer a good person? Am I just lying, cheating whore? I felt this way, yet I couldn't stop myself from seeing my exMM. As far as what your exMM thinks, does it really matter? I doubt he thought of you as a "free whore." I know it's hard for a BS to hear, but I doubt that there are many WS's that are capable of pulling off a LTA without emotions coming into play.

 

I could be off base here, but it seems like you are over analyzing things. I also wonder if you are a people pleaser? From your posts I get the impression that you are more concerned with others than yourself. The fact is there's not a damn thing you can do about your past choices. You can NOT control what your exMM thinks or how he behaves. The only thing you can do for now on is to work on yourself. Focus on making changes that benefit YOU. I'm sorry you're feeling down in the dumps. Give it time, it will pass.

[carhill]

OP, IMO, it's normal to go through these periods of emotional vacillation and sometimes feel low.

 

FWIW, in the year of my birth there was a movie called 'A Summer Place' and it was the first time (when I watched it later) I ever heard a man call a woman a 'slut'; that was Arthur Kennedy calling Dorothy McGuire such a name because she had, yup, had an affair with an old flame. She felt like it too. The point is, the fiction of those times reflected real life, even if it wasn't commonly talked about. Humans have been dealing with these feelings and actions throughout time.

 

You'll get through it. Three years was a long time. I seriously doubt there were zero feelings on his side. We each mourn death, whether it be the emotional or physical, in our own way. If he was using you, well, OK. That happens. I think we've all been used at one point in life, probably more if one is a giver-type personality. Sucks but it happens.

 

So, feel what you feel today. It's your today. Tomorrow is tomorrow. You can discover new feelings tomorrow. If feeling this low works for you and gets you where you want to go well, that's your mission. Do what you need to do.

[still_an_Angel]

I'm sorry you're feeling low, you have been thinking a lot about the negative aspect of your A and that is perfectly understandable. I think there is a need in you to find something good in your A because at the end of the day, the A is not the desired outcome for "good girls". I get that, I was born, raised, and was expected to live my life like a good catholic girl. But life did not turn out that way, and I may have made bad decisions (like my A) but I don't believe that negates all the other good things and good decisions that I have made. I know I am not a bad person, but like you, I sometimes struggle believing this too, specially if I focus on how I see myself and my A.

 

I can't speak for your AP, were the feelings real? Were you just a free whore to him? I think you know the answer to these questions. Don't doubt yourself, it wouldn't have lasted 3years if that was the case. Your feelings and intentions at the time are real, and thats the only thing that counts.

 

Hugs to you... Angel

[alwayshere]

No, you are not a whore. You are a human who has flaws and has not been perfect.

 

You are a person of value who has the power to make herself better every day.

 

NEVER ever believe bitter crap. It is NEVER intended to help you.

 

You can be a woman that you can be proud of, and you are NOT your A.

[Scorpio Chick]

First off, Mycatsnuggles, anyone with your name CANNOT be a whore!! I love your name!

 

Secondly, if someone treated you like a whore (though I think you say he didn't) doesn't mean you're a whore.

 

I do know what you're saying, what you're expressing, I've felt the same way. Do you see this AP as a manwhore? You couldn't have been a whore from some objective perspective, but he was a, I don't know, good, upright citizen who was being seduced against his will by you. But, hey, if he was, own it, girl and rock it! No, just kidding, but you get my meaning in that joke.

 

Don't be hard on yourself while going easy or not even looking at his whole role in the matter. But it sounds like you were in love, and you had sex with him, albeit he was married. It is wrong, but you're human, you know it, and pull up a chair and join the club with the rest of us that have realized it and will make amends the only way we can now by not repeating that mistake in the future. You're no whore or slut.

[violet1]

No, you are not a whore. You are a human who has flaws and has not been perfect.

 

You are a person of value who has the power to make herself better every day.

 

NEVER ever believe bitter crap. It is NEVER intended to help you.

 

You can be a woman that you can be proud of, and you are NOT your A.

I wish I could like this response a thousand times. It's so easy to fall in the trap that an A defines who you are as a person. I know it was intended for the OP, but I needed to read a post like this today. Thank you!

 

Scorpio Chick, I love your name because I'm also a Scorpio. My Cat Snuggles is a cute name. Definitely can't be a whore with an adorable name like that. Lol

[SoleMate]

No, you are not a whore. You are a human who has flaws and has not been perfect.

Even a "whore" (i.e. paid female sex worker) is a human being. Interesting how "whore" is the worst thing you can call a woman....... This is not a t/j, because I think, snuggles, your sadness and disgust are partially founded in that mindset.

 

It's time to forgive yourself, the wrongness of affairs has little to do with sex per se, it has to do with cheating and lies and taking people's choices away from them, or actively abetting someone else doing the above. It has to do accepting less for yourself than you know you should demand.

 

I hope we can give you good advice here at LS and help you heal, recover, forgive yourself, and make better r/s and life choice going forward. I am looking forward to that day when you'll say the A and the pain and shame are all behind you, and only the learning and growth and new strength are left. I hope then you'll be an anti-affair voice on LS to help other women from falling into the same trap.

[atreides]

First i want to thank you again for posting on my thread, i know it must be hard, especially with self-evaluation.

 

2nd i cannot stand the "we are human and flawed" of course we are but that is not an excuse because there is so much more to being human as in growing from our mistakes and making our self better for it

 

I am usually harsh against waywards whom don't show regret or remorse unless there was abuse and very extreme cases. For me if the wayward takes it on the chin, I am with them for support of the loss they feel from the affair because i understand the emotion involved. However i temper it depending on if R is going occur where as the M should be more important.

 

That said, you are not the first nor the last to think you are as you said a "whore" or "bad person." The short is answer is hell NO!

The long answer is the beauty of life as in we can be person x one day and a new and improved person Y the next, because we learn and while actions can define us for a temporary time, new actions can then redefine us as well. Thus who we are changes day to day, it is how we grow.

 

I will give an example where one active wayward says the live without regret, well my response is that we have regret to temper ourselves and learn from our mistakes to grow.

 

You are not a "whore" but you made wrong and very costly decisions in my opinion but it does not define you today.

 

I will also agree, it is not about the "sex" but the lies and deceit, the trading of worth and value of your commitment to another for another and the faith your spouse has in you.

 

all the best

Edited June 12, 2014 by atreides

[blue963]

Maybe you are feeling this way because to you this physical act is something so very sacred and allowing a person access to the most intimate places in your soul. We should/do guard that. But if your feelings that you had for him were genuine, there is no need to feel that you did something wrong. Unfortunately, he was on a different page than you were. I am sorry I know this is terribly difficult.

[learning_slowly]

I think even a man who is very good at not being emotionally attached would not be with you for 3 years and feel something.

 

If it was just the sex, could he not have got a younger model by paying?

 

I have never been with a prostitute, but if I was just after sex, that would be the most logical route to take. No emotional tug of war or worrying about being found out. Thus in his eyes, you were highly likely not a free whore.

 

But does that make you feel any better?

[Mycatsnuggles]

Just WOW!!! I really never expected people to be supportive of me when I posted this. I truly expected the BS brigade to roll in and slow roast me over a pit of fire. Yesterday I was feeling pretty low and maybe even wanted that type of punishment, thus the posting. Today I am so happy to have the emotional support all of you provided.

 

Normally I would name people individually but seriously every single one of you said something positive, something fabulous, something helpful.

 

THANK YOU!!

 

I find writing my feelings out helps me process and move forwards in my thinking. I guess this was my next step. Excepting that I am a sexual being who enjoys sex. Truly it's about time!

 

I had a loving physical relationship with a MOM that taught me a lot about myself and relationships. He gave me body acceptance I'd never felt before and confidence to seek what I wanted in life. Not a whore but a flawed person who makes mistakes and wishes to learn from them.

 

conflict avoidant people pleaser, MCS

[goodyblue]

I mean this gently as I know you are hurting. When I think of our OW I don't think of her as a whore but I don't get how she could take time away from her kids to follow my husband to business trips. I don't see how either of them could lie to easily to those that love them. Maybe because I am female those things seem worse than the sexual aspect of it. In the end all you can do is learn to forgive yourself and be a better person. Be someone YOU feel good about being. Take care.

 

 

I have seen this posted several times. I met my guy on trips often. We went to a lot of exotic places. I have children. There is such a thing as babysitters. My family stayed with my children and it was a wonderful time for them to get to spend time with loved ones. Of course I never lied about where I was or with whom. Neither did he. He just omitted my name and his ex never asked. We both returned home with our batteries recharged and happier people. Have you never been away from your children in all the years you have had them, because that is more difficult for me to imagine. Just because we are parents does not mean we cease to become people who need love, affection, fun, adult time, sex, time alone. The best times of my life were on some of those trips. Why would I not go?

 

OP the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself. I am sorry you are struggling. Chin up.

Edited June 12, 2014 by goodyblue

[atreides]

Just WOW!!! I really never expected people to be supportive of me when I posted this. I truly expected the BS brigade to roll in and slow roast me over a pit of fire.

 

 

lol, i know how that can be, i usually join in, but as i said on my first post, it makes a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE for me at least if the wayward has learned something from their actions, remorse, self-evaluation, reflection and so on. I then step down from the proverbial "fire roasting committee" and become supportive. When i see waywards self-evaluate, i have great respect and support as it is one of the most difficult things we can do as humans..... is looking in the mirror.

 

all the best and cheers to more good days.

[Appreciate]

Speaking as a BH, I have used that word before against my XW. Generally, I don't resort to name calling but sometimes I was unable to temper the absolute rage inside me.

 

My XW has had 4 affairs in her life (at least that I know of), and I was one of them (an exit affair). Apparently, she never reformed, even after having two children together. I liked the fact that she was sexually open and loving, but I also realize that she is a broken person who lacks boundaries, is gullible, and can become extremely calculating and devious during her affairs. She prided herself on her ability to lie and deceive, and yet sees herself (and her AP turned partner) as essentially both "good people" who have hurt a lot of people in their past but are meant for each other. They are both serial cheaters and cake eaters, and the AP had a 3 year affair during his marriage, and eventually dumped the woman. So, similar to your case there.

 

My guess is that people who do that feel a connection, but their deep interest is primarily in themselves. There's no real commitment in an affair, and there's a lot of sweet stolen moments which make it seem magical and lovely. There were also probably times when he just wanted to have sex with you and you with him. That doesn't make you a whore, but perhaps someone who is a bit foolish and naive about the lack on integrity in a person who cheats on their loyal partner. I had to learn that the hard way. Some people are able to justify whatever they do because it serves their best interests, and clearly they are unable to fix what's missing in their primary relationship or end it respectfully. Cheating is the easy way out, and pretty cowardly. So basically you were involved with an emotional coward, I guess that's the way you should see it.

 

I think "whoring" is more a state of mind that an act. If you were sitting there thinking you were the best because an MM valued you sexually more than his wife, then that would be the ego-tripping and power act of a whore. And I don't mean "whore" in the technical sense of an easy lay, I mean a whore in the sense of she feels no respect for other people in order to satisfy her needs.

 

So, no, not exactly a whore, just someone willing to engage in sex with someone that isn't "theirs". I'm guessing you feel dirty because you knew it was wrong, and you got dumped, and therefore feel used. In some ways you were used, so it's probably a self-esteem issue you need to work on.