kewlrule Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 I instituted "no contact" 5 days ago w/ my commitment phobic ex-girlfriend. After 4 days she started to call me several times a day at home, cell, and work. But she doesn't leave a msg. She's also sending me messenger IMs but no messages, just buzzes me. Yesterday I got an invitation to add me as a friend on her messenger list (I already was on her friends list). The attached msg said "Somehow all my contacts got deleted. But I only had you a Shari saved. I hope you accept."- RIGHT! I denied it immediately. 5 min. later another invitation! I was getting weak so I just shut down my computer to gain strength and deny later. What I didn't know was that messenger accepts automatically when you do this!!! OMG now she thinks I accepted. More IMs w/ no msg and phone calls. I'm proud I haven't responded to anything so far. This morning she DID leave a voicemail at work say that she didn't know why I wasn't responding but she respected. And that she thinks about me all the time and just wants to see how I'm doing. Then she says it's sad b/c Valentines Day was always special and this year she doesn't have one. POOR F'ing BABY!!!! Can't I see how much she's hurting? She's so lonely - oh yeah except for the guy she works with that she's been having sex with and doesn't know I know!!!! Gosh I'm sure she misses me...misses using me and my feelings. Oh how much it hurts not to have a Valentines Day Safety Net! No flowers and expensive dinner b/c Mr. Sex makes $8 / hr. and lives with his sister. POOR LISA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! How the hell does she THINK I'm doing? It's such a comfort to know she cares - wow what wonderful woman. This situation is so sad and unnecessary it makes me sick - literally. How do people like this sleep at night knowing they have done this to others over and over and over? Anyway, I'm venting. AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!! Just talking about it has given me more resolve to not respond to her BS. I probably shouldn't even listen to it and delete every email/voicemail with out reading/listening to it. There's NOTHING to be gained for me. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 Typical of commitmentphobia, I'm afraid. She can't commit to being with you, but can't commit to being without you either. Be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 Typical of commitmentphobia, I'm afraid. She can't commit to being with you, but can't commit to being without you either. Be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 Typical of commitmentphobia, I'm afraid. She can't commit to being with you, but can't commit to being without you either. Be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 OK, I'm not naturally repetitious - this was just a problem with my server. Sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 14, 2005 Author Share Posted February 14, 2005 Yeah I've studied this alot so I was prepared. I just didn't think it would start so quickly. I'm grateful that this was my first (and last) cycle tho. Thanks to someone on this forum, I identified the underlying problem right away. Otherwise I would be following that repetitive path of destruction too. I STRONGLY encourage anyone dealing with a CP to read the online book Dream Chasers. I did on a recommendation and learned soooooo much. PRIMARILY, that I am sick too and am responsible for what happens to me from now on. The book showed me that, altho Lisa is sick too, she can't hurt me, only I can hurt me by how I focus the action on identifying my defects and go about healing them. As long as I focus on Lisa, I'm in the problem and not the solution. It is SOOOO FREAKIN HARD b/c I hurt so bad and want her and miss her. It's insane to feel this way for someone so hurtful but I know it's true. In spite of these feelings, I know I have to banish her from my life for good even if my heart tells me different. I hope those of you (many many many) read this book. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 Yeah, stay the course...anger is good and will make you stronger... what about telling her that your computer accepted by accident when you shut it down? maybe just IM that to her, and then block her? you know, sometimes we try to make things work with someone like that because they remind us of someone else in our past that we couldn't get love from....(i'm sure you read all that stuff online.)..just know you may be reacting to crap from the past...that might lessen the power she has over you... after all, you have your own patterns and cycles that you are learning to change... good luck! you are ahead of the curve on this one...stay strong...you are avoiding future pain... Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 hey, i'm too cheap to order "Dream Chasers." What did you learn from it that you can share with us? thanks.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 14, 2005 Author Share Posted February 14, 2005 The messenger accident sux! But my gut tells me not to contact her at all unless there is some benefit from telling her I don't see. Maybe it would be a dose of reality and reinforce how she f'd up, but isn't that really self-serving on my part? I just don't know what "pay-back" is ok and what isn't right now...or if it's even moral to me. Hmmm... The absolute primary thing I learned from Dream Catchers is that I have responsibility to look at me, my actions, my motives (is it really love?), and my willingness to do what it takes to change ME. Yes, Lisa bears a huge part of the problem. She IS very sick. Guess what! I'M very sick also. I'm ADDICTED to her acceptance of me. I'll do just about anything to get it back. And what would I get if that happened? A sick woman that offers me nothing but pain. I think that qualifies me as sick...but the feelings are real and strong and must be dealt with. But the book tells me I direct my energy toward me and my issues...NOT Lisa's. So I'm left with what I never would have expected. I didn't cause this initially, but I am responsible for what happens from here out. I can't blame her for a damn thing from now on...if I get hurt, I did it to myself. Yes, I'm pissed at her...yes, she tore me apart...yes, she'd do it again and again and again IF I chose to participate (as so many have that I've seen here). I don't like to admit I have big time problems. I like to continue to think that I'm some sort of indespensible man that a woman would be nuts not to love and covet forever. I like to think I'm "the ****"! Big reality check...I'm NOT...I can't even get in another relationship until I do alot of work on myself. Yes, I did treat her with absolute respect, kindness, acceptance, and what I think was love (maybe not after reading the book). But what were my motives? What did I become? What did I give up? What kind of power did I force on her that shouldn't be forced on anyone? I placed upon her the sole responsibility for MY happiness, self-esteem, and self-worth. I was so self-absorbed thinking that I was completely selfless that I didn't even realize it. The book taught me that I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG in context of the ultimate break up. And I believe that and it's a HUGE relief. I no longer have to search. But it also makes clear I do do things wrong feeding her phobia and my "phobic addiction" afterwards. That's the point of looking at some of the things I talked about above. Bottom line...she is major sick, I didn't do a damn thing to cause this, thru my actions afterward I have an apparent addiction that requires me to turn my back and run as fast as I can to a therapist. Now its time to look at me and forget about her...over time. My feelings are real and still painfully present. I DO MISS HER, I BELIEVE I WANT HER IF EVEN FOR A DAY, AND I HATE WHAT SHE'S DONE! But I have an obligation to myself to find the real thing. AND MY ONLY HOPE BEGINS AND ENDS WITH RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN AWAY FROM THE ONE I "THINK" I LOVE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 14, 2005 Author Share Posted February 14, 2005 Sorry Nicki...my answer kinda got lost in venting again. So I'll post what stood out to me in bullets. * She's sick and chances she'll change are very low * I can't change her...EVER!!!!! She has to want to change and do it for herself (rarely w/ CP's) * I didn't do anything wrong. The phobia is to blame, not Lisa. * I became OBSESSED w/ getting her approval and acceptance back and all that comes with it * The belief that it will be different next time is insane thinking. It won't, it'll be worse. * My obssession became an ADDICTION just like w/ a drug...I'd do anything to get a quick fix (ie brief approval) * The phobic keeps hope alive and we react therefore feeding the phobia and our addiction * My addiction revolves around the HUNT or fight to get it...and the related adrenaline release * I very possibly confused my obsession and the feelings of addiction with love. I most likely do not love her. * I have to treat this as any other addiction and get help. * I HAVE TO ABSTAIN COMPLETELY FROM MY DRUG AND IT'S SOURCE IN ORDER TO RECOVER * I am responsible to get proper help to work on my issues, NOT HER'S. * NO CONTACT - PERIOD!!!!! NOT EVEN ONCE!!!!!! RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!!!! I'm sure I missed something. The book goes into detail on characteristics of the phobic and the "PHOBIC ADDICT" (me). Also characteristics of diff stages of the relationship. Different "types" of CPs ("abuser" in my case). Discusses "cycles". Big time eye-opener for me was that many of us really aren't in love and never were; rather we mistook our obsession with love. WOW!!!!! Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 wow, that helps a TON! I especially like the part about the possibility of not being in love, rather just being obsessed....hmmmm, interesting....but i disagree with it in part. i believe we do love the other person, but that it turns into something else later... i think that we try so hard to get back the loving, caring person we had at the beginning of the relationship...so our obsession must kick in after we realize that the other person is not as commited to us,as we thought...one minute they were acting like they were, the next minute we realize they are not ...then we panic, and our own problems become apparent that we would stick around given the circumstances...healthy people would cut bait and run... maybe we are even attracted to people like that on a subconscious level because we know that they won't really ever fully love us...i've even heard that many people are attracted to other commitment phobes, and they don't even know that they themselves are commitment phobic ! anyway, thanks for the info...and vent all you want, anytime.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 Me thinks you've either got an inside line on this, you're extremely intuitive, or both. I vote the latter. You're absolutely right. They do discuss that we (CP sig others) may love the CP early on but that it isn't the same in the latter stage when the tornado hits. Then...refer to Nicki's take above. And yes CP attracts CP (or the closet CP ). When I HONESTLY look at my relationship (even superficially), it's apparent to me that we both used and use a push/pull, come here/go away strategy. But like alot of things I can justify it as something else and use denial to point my finger at her til it falls off. That's also a part of me that's gonna need lookin at that I never knew was there. The book discusses "active" CP and "passive" CP. Guess which is which in my case. Enough said. <sigh> Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 BTW it still sux and she's still a beaoooootch! Thank you...I feel much better. Happy VD! Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 ha ha... so what is a "passive cp?" Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by nicki ha ha... so what is a "passive cp?" A closet cp The active cps are the obvious ones. Do the chasing then the running. Passive cps are more subtle, having a tendency to select active cps as partners - that way you don't risk getting a real commitment, but you have the satisfaction that everyone (including you and the active's friends) think that they are to blame. If (as I do) you often select active cps as partners, you have to consider the possibility that you're a passive cp. Sadly, I think I have some of this Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 Great descirition ReluctantRomeo. I was using "closet CP" as the passive kind...finding out I'm probably this. I bot the book He's Scared, She's Scared, Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships which is supposed to explain in detail both types and how they interact. Here's a link that gives a quick teaser of the book that at least gives a basic blurb about both: http://www.intheloopcanada.com/vol1issue8dec2002printer.htm BTW day 6 of no contact (on my part anyway), and not feeling too bad. Made it thru Val Day better than I expected. No call from her today...yet! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by kewlrule Great descirition ReluctantRomeo. I was using "closet CP" as the passive kind...finding out I'm probably this. I bot the book He's Scared, She's Scared Thanks for the compliment Isn't it a real shock though, to discover that we're part of the problem too? BTW day 6 of no contact (on my part anyway), and not feeling too bad. Made it thru Val Day better than I expected. No call from her today...yet! Well done! Keep being strong Link to post Share on other sites
Author kewlrule Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 You ain't sheetin! Man...how I want to be 100% victim. And I figure I was up til now...I was ignorant to the actual condition(s). Nonetheless, the truth is that there were many perpetrators...shared by both of us. I'm finding out (at least for me) that this unbelievably ultimate cluster-fark is WAY complex. Too complex to place ALL the blame on one person/"thing". And believe me when I say THAT BLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I really do believe all this. It blows for obvious reasons of self-protection/preservation. Hell yeah I naturally resist pain. If I can forever blame that cold-hearted witch, then I don't have to painfully look at me and my part in any of it. And what I get in return is a different pain - resentment, anger, and pity that sooooo many healthy women are attracted to. Oh and an added bonus of feeling like I'm a pile of horse manure. I've already seen these types on a bunch of forums and it's kinda sad. I want to "wake" them up just like I do Lisa. LMAO!!!! Hahahaha...obviously I haven't started working on change all that much... But I'm at least really really grateful I'm seeing some truth now and I really am willing to change. I want the real carrot...the real deal. I know in my heart as sure as anything it ain't happenin like this. I may be a great guy with great intentions but that's not going to be good enough. I don't know how to love myself and that makes me damaged goods. I guess it kinda the "silver lining"...of a category 5 tornado. Peace BTW Nicki - she still sux (and I know who!) Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 hahaha...("and I know who")....good one! wow, i think i recognize myself in the "closet cp," too....thanks, Romeo...ouchie... maybe that's why i've let some wonderful guys go, and stayed "loyal" to a few real jerks. it's pretty hard to see that maybe i've picked guys to "love" who i knew deep down were unavailable emotionally. of course, i would never admit that i was doing this knowingly -- but now i think i am beginning to see it. ah, the price of clarity is the that we can't claim ignorance anymore. we are compelled to take action! way to go, greg. you survived V-Day -- a huge deal! Link to post Share on other sites
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