Is it strange that we still have dinner with the kids on their birthday?

[Hope4thefuture]

We have been separated since last summer and divorce is almost finalized. We have 3 boys, 11 and under. We decided that we would celebrate each child's birthday by having dinner with all of us. It can be a little strange, but the boys like celebrating together. We went to dinner for two of our boys, but now I asked the other day if I was able to go to dinner with them because my oldest son's birthday falls on his dad's night. My STBX said yes at the beginning of week. Then a few days later decided it would be too confusing for the boys. What would make him change his mind? Am I crazy to do this anyway? Thoughts and advice is appreciated.

[PegNosePete]

Who knows, maybe his new girlfriend didn't want you there?

[d0nnivain]

Every family has a different way of dealing with this. If your EX wants to institute this change, play up for your son that now he gets 2 birthday celebrations -- one with dad & one with mom.

[Hope4thefuture]

Thanks for the responses. He does have a girlfriend, so that was my first thought. I did play it up that he will have 2 birthday celebrations now. My son told me he would rather celebrate at dinner with me instead of his dad. However I don't want to hurt his dad's feelings so I didn't tell him that. I just suggested that we celebrate at lunch today and he gets to go to dinner with his dad.

[Mr. Lucky]

Too bad you H feels this way though, depending on the tone and vibe of your disconnect and separation, not unusual. My exW and I divorced when our son was young and went through the usual acrimony that goes along with it.

 

But our respective seating positions at his sporting event soon became representative of our ability to move on. First year, separate sides of the field. Second year, same grandstand but different ends. Third year, able to sit next to each other and have a civil conversation. It probably also helped that we both had new partners.

 

You'll probably find that the passage of time will fix this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Movingforward2]

We have been separated since last summer and divorce is almost finalized. We have 3 boys, 11 and under. We decided that we would celebrate each child's birthday by having dinner with all of us. It can be a little strange, but the boys like celebrating together. We went to dinner for two of our boys, but now I asked the other day if I was able to go to dinner with them because my oldest son's birthday falls on his dad's night. My STBX said yes at the beginning of week. Then a few days later decided it would be too confusing for the boys. What would make him change his mind? Am I crazy to do this anyway? Thoughts and advice is appreciated.

 

 

Not strange to me. We've been doing all holidays and birthdays as "one big happy family" - even though its a little different. Don't see why "he" wouldn't do it unless the new GF is giving him hell. And if she is, she shouldn't last anyway in my opinion.

[iris219]

Not strange to me. We've been doing all holidays and birthdays as "one big happy family" - even though its a little different. Don't see why "he" wouldn't do it unless the new GF is giving him hell. And if she is, she shouldn't last anyway in my opinion.

 

New GF giving him hell is irrelevant. It's about respect for his new relationship and having dinners with his ex is odd.

 

My FI would never consider having dinner with his ex. Why would he want to leave me behind and do dinner with his ex? Even though they're on relatively good terms, they don't want to hang out. For his kids birthdays, me, him, and the kids go out. Same with his ex and her bf. I guess we could all go out together. I could invite my ex too.

 

You can have kids and still move on entirely from your ex.

[Hope4thefuture]

I will accept that he wants to have separate dinner celebrations. I really don't have a choice there. I would like him to be civil to me though. For whatever reason he changed his mind, fine. But I don't deserve the bad attitude that I often get from him. I give him exactly what he wants, and he is still rude to me. Hopefully with lots of time this too shall pass.

[Mr. Lucky]

New GF giving him hell is irrelevant. It's about respect for his new relationship and having dinners with his ex is odd.

 

My FI would never consider having dinner with his ex. Why would he want to leave me behind and do dinner with his ex? Even though they're on relatively good terms, they don't want to hang out. For his kids birthdays, me, him, and the kids go out. Same with his ex and her bf. I guess we could all go out together. I could invite my ex too.

 

You can have kids and still move on entirely from your ex.

Your perspective as the new woman in his life seems focused on the adults involved. Children, especially if young, can have a different view...

 

Mr. Lucky

[iris219]

Your perspective as the new woman in his life seems focused on the adults involved. Children, especially if young, can have a different view...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The children's parents are divorced. That's unfortunate, but that's the reality. Children aren't going to suffer irreparable damage because their divorced parents don't hang out together on their birthdays.

 

Moving on from an ex and being happy in a new relationship doesn't mean anyone loves their kids any less.

[Mr. Lucky]

The children's parents are divorced. That's unfortunate, but that's the reality. Children aren't going to suffer irreparable damage because their divorced parents don't hang out together on their birthdays.

They're divorced from each other, not from the children. And the kids will be affected by parents that can't be in the same room with each other. Children learn as much (if not more) from what we do as what we say.

 

I'm guessing you didn't bring your own children into the new relationship (not sure what to call it since I don't know what an "FI" is)?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ashleyjohn]

No, if anything it's nice. Good for the kids too

[iris219]

They're divorced from each other, not from the children. And the kids will be affected by parents that can't be in the same room with each other. Children learn as much (if not more) from what we do as what we say.

 

I'm guessing you didn't bring your own children into the new relationship (not sure what to call it since I don't know what an "FI" is)?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

FI=fiancé

 

Are you saying the kids will suffer if their parents don't spend their birthdays together?

 

The children are learning that their parents are happy in new relationships while still being loving parents.

 

We feel like the dynamics of our situation work well for us. The kids are happy and well adjusted. If birthday dinners together work for others, that's fine too, but I would find it odd if new partners were excluded from this.

[PegNosePete]

Some people go funny when they get a new partner.

They want to impress and prove they have moved on, so they are mean to their ex.

Sometimes it's at the request or prompting of the new partner but often it's just kind of subconscious/instinct.

Maybe he feels it would be awkward to have you and the new partner there with the kids? But yeah no reason to be mean about it.

[Hope4thefuture]

I appreciate all the responses. When my STBX told me about having separate dinners, honestly I was a bit angry. It may be coming from his girlfriend. It may be coming from him. I will never know. All I know is that my son was sad on his birthday because he wanted to go to dinner with both his parents. It hurt me to see him disappointed. I did the best I could to make it a great day by spending time with him and having fun. At the end of the day, he seemed fine. But I will never really know. There will be times he won't want me there, but yesterday wasn't one of them. It just hurt that I wasn't allowed. I will move on from this. I will make each birthday I have with them special. I love my boys.

 

I do think it is hard having dinner with him. It is awkward, but I do it for my kids. I understand that down the road we probably would have separate celebrations due to other relationships. It will be something I will need to get used to earlier than I thought.

[joanofark]

The kids wishes should come first. If the GF has an issue with the ex being there then she must be incredibly insecure. The exW isn't going anywhere at least until the kids are grown and even then, what happens when the kids get married? separate weddings? suck it up. be confident with yourself enough to be a grown up. (speaking to a new partner) Sheesh.

[iris219]

The kids wishes should come first. If the GF has an issue with the ex being there then she must be incredibly insecure. The exW isn't going anywhere at least until the kids are grown and even then, what happens when the kids get married? separate weddings? suck it up. be confident with yourself enough to be a grown up. (speaking to a new partner) Sheesh.

 

Why is everyone blaming the new GF?

 

Couldn't it be that her ex is the one who doesn't want to do dinner? Could it be that it's awkward for him, that he sees it as unnecessary, and he understands he needs to move on with his own life?

 

No, the kids' wishes do not always come first. If they did, people wouldn't get divorced.

 

And of course my FI's kids won't have separate weddings, but if he told me he was going to attend with his ex and not me, that would not be acceptable.

Edited June 13, 2014 by iris219

[Mr. Lucky]

but I would find it odd if new partners were excluded from this.

Given some passage of time, I agree...

 

Mr. Lucky

[joanofark]

I wasn't blaming the new gf. The OP didn't even mention there was a new gf until someone else brought her up as a possible reason as to why her EXh reneged her previous invite to the dinner. Sometimes people are able to be mature enough to continue with their lives including being in the presence of exes. Unless a restraining order or some other insinuating circumstance exists, it should be a non issue if a child asks for the company of both parents at a function. Just as if the OP were to ask the EXH not to have the new GF tag along. Goes both ways.

Edited June 13, 2014 by joanofark
missing thought

[M30USA]

There is no right answer here. It all comes down to what you're family is comfortable with. If you're uncomfortable, then your kids will pick up on it and will be negatively affected. But at the same time, if you act too attached or close to your ex, your kids will be confused and this will also negatively affect them. In general, I'd say to avoid the setup you're talking about unless you can handle it well.

[ASG]

New GF giving him hell is irrelevant. It's about respect for his new relationship and having dinners with his ex is odd.

 

My FI would never consider having dinner with his ex. Why would he want to leave me behind and do dinner with his ex? Even though they're on relatively good terms, they don't want to hang out. For his kids birthdays, me, him, and the kids go out. Same with his ex and her bf. I guess we could all go out together. I could invite my ex too.

 

You can have kids and still move on entirely from your ex.

 

It really depends on the people involved, doesn't it?

 

I had dinner with both my parents almost every week day, even though they'd been divorced for a while, before my mom and my step dad moved in together.

 

And my dad always spent christmas and easter with us, as well. That still happens to this day.

 

And on birthdays, there was definitely no contest that BOTH parents would be present.

 

It doesn't have to be a big deal. And I never found it confusing, as a child. Never, in my mind, did I long for my parents to get back together. Nor did I resent my mom having a boyfriend, who, by the time I was 9, was a permanent fixture in everything, including month long summer holidays! They moved in together when I was 11.

My dad if often invited for dinner at their house, to this day, 20 years later.

[TheBladeRunner]

We have been separated since last summer and divorce is almost finalized. We have 3 boys, 11 and under. We decided that we would celebrate each child's birthday by having dinner with all of us. It can be a little strange, but the boys like celebrating together. We went to dinner for two of our boys, but now I asked the other day if I was able to go to dinner with them because my oldest son's birthday falls on his dad's night. My STBX said yes at the beginning of week. Then a few days later decided it would be too confusing for the boys. What would make him change his mind? Am I crazy to do this anyway? Thoughts and advice is appreciated.

 

I so hear where you are coming from OP, just doing dinner w/ the XW would be weird (and crazy for me ) as well. We DO however do birthday party's together. I find when there are more people it creates a more neutral environment. My daughters B-day is coming up soon and we are having it at a gymnastics place she likes. I will be friendly w/ the XW, but I spend my time with other friends and parents to avoid the weirdness.

 

This stuff is hard, but be as creative as YOU need to be to be comfortable and not at the expense of the kids.

[Sriracha]

I don't think it's fair that your other two son's got to have a family dinner with everyone and then your third son didn't have that opportunity. Poor kid

 

I get that perhaps your ex has realized he doesn't want to do celebrate birthdays as one family, but for consistency's sake, he should have stuck with the original plan at least one more time. Then for the next year, you guys can explain the new tradition of doing 2 celebrations.

 

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated about it. I would be too.

[Hope4thefuture]

I appreciate all the advice. Honestly I can see both points of view. At this moment, I really don't care to see my STBX. It is a little awkward at drop off and pick up. I don't contact him unless it is regarding the kids. He seems so angry and negative with me, and I don't care to be around that.

 

I do care and love my boys. That is the one reason I go to the dinners. I think it is important to show them that we can be in the same room and that we can co-parent.

 

I have invited him to the birthday parties, but he did not come. I don't want us to be best friends. I would like if if we could make our kids happy.

 

I know that will look different now. I know the boys can be happy with 2 different families. I will always do my best to make that happen.

[Sriracha]

Give it time. My ex and I have been divorced for almost a year and the "co-parenting" relationship is still evolving. It's tough to co parent with someone who has a different view of "what's best for the kids".

 

And I totally understand the frustration of dealing with your ex's rude behavior towards you.

My ex is convinced that his behavior towards me should have no impact on our co-parenting relationship. I too was hoping to have some united celebrations for the kid's sake, but his disrespectful and lying ways has made that impossible. Of course he now feigns ignorance and tries to make me feel guilty for having separate celebrations, but I just can't.

I'd rather my kids have 2 celebrations and a happy mom, then one united celebration where there mother gets treated poorly.