ThatGirl213 Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 I would like some tips on how to forgive a cheater who is around me all the time because of place of stay. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 You could understand that he cheats because he has problems with his self esteem or dealing with confrontation. I don't think people cheat unless they have problems e.g. They are scared to end a relationship due to the creation of pain for their current partner. Or I have seen a lot of guys who cheat and do it as a sign of manhood to other males in their society. Maybe he has been brought up in a bad environment where he thinks it is normal. Once you see he has flaws that could have caused his cheating then maybe you can forgive him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatGirl213 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Share Posted June 12, 2014 (edited) His only bad experience in life is his ex(first love) cheating on him. She cheated alot. I guess that destroyed his self esteem. What a jackass. Must be a real loser to use that excuse to cheat on someone who would give the world to him. He had told me he will be NC with all those girls he cheated on me with. Yesterday one of them asked him to fix a phone for her (That's what he does) and he did it for her. He kept saying nothing happened and blah blah blah. I must try to trust him. Bull****. What an effing piece of ****. I do however really want to forgive him. Not because he deserves it but because I want to have piece of mind. Edited June 12, 2014 by ThatGirl213 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 Why is he still around you all the time? Do you live with him? Are you two a couple? How you make peace with it? Turn it off and learn not to care. Shut your heart off to him....Though that's hard to do if you spend a lot of time around each other. Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 What a piece of work. You forgive, or you don't. It doesn't mean you have to condone his actions. It means you're done with it and it's not going to rule your life anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 Sometimes people deal with hurt by turning around and doing the exact same thing to someone else. It's a subconscious way of trying to regain some power or get revenge: "well if so and so got to act that way to me, then I should get to act that way with someone else." That doesn't make it okay, but maybe that's what's going on with your ex. He must not be very happy to be acting that way; his love life will be messed up until he sorts this out. Try to feel sorry for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kid_Charlemange Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." It took me years to learn this. Years that I wasted a lot of time and energy on negative feelings toward someone who no longer mattered to me. I had my heart utterly broken last year, by someone who I really though was The One. She had me completely and utterly fooled. I'm still bothered by that fact; that I spent two dumb-and-happy years with someone who was pretending to be something she was not. I'll never forget the lesson, lest I make the same mistake again. But the cheating? I was over that a month later. The way I see it, I was prepared to marry this woman, buy a house together, and live the rest of my life with her. I'm lucky that I found what she was before any of that happened. I forgave her. I don't condone her behavior. And I'll never trust her again (like you and your ex, we run into each other a lot). The three are not mutually incompatible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mondmellonw Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I forgave her. I don't condone her behavior. And I'll never trust her again (like you and your ex, we run into each other a lot). The three are not mutually incompatible. How did you achieve this? I have had days when I don't remember the fact I despise my ex. Those days are honestly great. I focus on a lot of different things, hang out with friends, play music, write, exercise, etc. But there are days when I just hate him. I can't think of him with sadness; or happiness... Just anger. And it's making me feel bad about myself at this point. How is that you forgave? Does it come with time? It is a fact of acceptance? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Hmm, there is no blueprint for how to forgive unfortunately. All I know is that it's a conscious choice to forgive and it takes time. And there is no such thing as fair weather forgiveness. You're either done with it or you're not. There is no in between. At the same time, just because you forgive doesn't mean you forget. That would just be foolish particularly with cheaters. Mastering this without becoming a fair weather forgiver isn't for the faint of heart and takes LOTS of hard work, trust, clarity and sometimes even therapy. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SillySilly Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 His only bad experience in life is his ex(first love) cheating on him. She cheated alot. I guess that destroyed his self esteem. What a jackass. Must be a real loser to use that excuse to cheat on someone who would give the world to him. He had told me he will be NC with all those girls he cheated on me with. Yesterday one of them asked him to fix a phone for her (That's what he does) and he did it for her. He kept saying nothing happened and blah blah blah. I must try to trust him. Bull****. What an effing piece of ****. I do however really want to forgive him. Not because he deserves it but because I want to have piece of mind. Your anger is natural, but toxic. It will hurt you more than anyone else. but knowing that won't make it go away, either. You have to be very patient with the anger. And maybe when you feel angry, take a second to see how your body feels. We tense up when we get angry and emotional pain turns into ohysical pain. remember to love yourself, because loving yourself (and even loving the part of you that is angry) will heal you. After some time has passed and the anger is less intense, you can work on forgiveness. take some time to focus on one of his good qualities. no person is either completely bad or good. You will probably find it difficult to do this, and you'll start thinking about all the bad things again. So you have to be patient here, too. if you can't think of a good quality, try to remind yourself that he suffers, too. And think of emotional pain that you feel and recognize that although he may not feel the exact pain you do, he feels similar types of pain every day, because he is human. This will take time. After some time has passed and you can think about him without getting angry, try to share some of the love you have for yourself with him. Mentally do this. When you can do this consistently, then he is forgiven. I was betrayed by a friend once, and it took me a whole year before I was ready to speak to him again and to forgive him. I reconnected with him by apologizing for the ways in which I contributed to our demise. He is still the same person, and has the same flaws, but I love the wonderful parts of him and reman patient but wary with the more difficult parts of him. I hope this helps you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 You could understand that he cheats because he has problems with his self esteem or dealing with confrontation. I don't think people cheat unless they have problems e.g. They are scared to end a relationship due to the creation of pain for their current partner. Or I have seen a lot of guys who cheat and do it as a sign of manhood to other males in their society. Maybe he has been brought up in a bad environment where he thinks it is normal. Once you see he has flaws that could have caused his cheating then maybe you can forgive him. forgive but dont stay, understand but dont condone, in a relationship where someone is cheating on you it is a degradation of the worth of your spirit ....and taxing on happiness that could be felt ..instead of heartache and loss with unfaithful behaviors...and a disloyal soul with issues.....will affect you if you stay intimate with them,...deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Separate the unforgiveable act, from the Forgiveable person. Step one: He is nor never will be perfect, do not hold him to any standards other then capable of making huge blunders. Once you grasp that, forgiveness seems to seep in. Step 2: Forgive yourself. For you also are capable of making huge blunders, realize that your judgment may have been shadowed during your relation, yet now hind sight shows you all you hadnt been aware of. Forgive yourself ..and see people eye to eye. No one is above us, and no one is beneath us. Thats the key. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatGirl213 Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 Thank you everyone for your replies. I was getting over it earlier this year, until he came around begging me for a chance. He has never begged before. So all that anger I thought I had let gone just came back. I did not tell him a yes or that I want to get back together with him. But he says he will try till I say yes. And here I am, soo angry with everything that happened. Link to post Share on other sites
bostonterrier Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Anger goes away, just give it time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Thank you everyone for your replies. I was getting over it earlier this year, until he came around begging me for a chance. He has never begged before. So all that anger I thought I had let gone just came back. I did not tell him a yes or that I want to get back together with him. But he says he will try till I say yes. And here I am, soo angry with everything that happened. You are angry because he is still disrespecting your boundaries. Don't forgive and tell him f*** off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatGirl213 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 It is just that I don't want to end up as one of those people who remained angry about a past relationship for like ever and couldn't move on. I really want to make peace with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatGirl213 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 You are angry because he is still disrespecting your boundaries. Don't forgive and tell him f*** off. I have told him that several times but part of me wants him to kiss my ass and continue begging for what he has done. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 You can't forgive something that still hurts you and you don't want to let go of yet. Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 You are angry because he is still disrespecting your boundaries. Don't forgive and tell him f*** off. Forgiveness is for yourself. It has nothing to do with the other person, imo. Telling him to **** off? The issue of boundaries is just something OP will have to deal with. The two are not mutually exclusive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatGirl213 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 Hey guys, an update...I am leaving this country for a year in a week or so for an internship. Yayy for me. I hope I do get a chance to rediscover my old bubbly self. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 I have told him that several times but part of me wants him to kiss my ass and continue begging for what he has done. that's the part you need to let go. He will never be able to prove it to you that he cared. It's hard but you won't get closure. You need to let that go. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Forgiveness is for yourself. It has nothing to do with the other person, imo. Telling him to **** off? The issue of boundaries is just something OP will have to deal with. The two are not mutually exclusive. Nah man, you don't have to forgive anything to anyone. You absolutely have to learn to deal with the anger but the guy needs to **** off for sure. The nerve of bugging her! Luckily the OP is leaving and that's the best solution IMO. Good luck OP! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThatGirl213 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 Nah man, you don't have to forgive anything to anyone. You absolutely have to learn to deal with the anger but the guy needs to **** off for sure. The nerve of bugging her! Luckily the OP is leaving and that's the best solution IMO. Good luck OP! Thanks love Link to post Share on other sites
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