First date with ex

[heart12]

We broke up 13 months ago... went immediate no contact. Both of us were a mess. After a month she gets in a rebound with an ex she doesn't even like and I got my sh*t together. Starting hitting gym hard, made new friends.... met a lotttt of girls and actually had good relationships (although short) with a couple. 6 months into no contact we spoke ( I initiated)...found out about her rebound thing. Back to no contact... eventually we talk again. Back to NC... then she reached out just after they broke up but was flaky and bad timing so back to NC and then a month later she reached out again. Then the date.

[heart12]

What's annoying is it's been like 4 hours and she hasn't responded to me asking her out.... hopefully I hear back tomorrow. Not sure how long it takes to just say YES or maybe she is thinking it over.

[flight E]

You have to tell what caused your BU to enable others advise properly. In the meantime really relax. You have called her and am sure you know this girl better than any of us, that's why you are afraid, she isn't for real. So approach it that way, let it be a fun thing. Don't tell her anything about your feelings. Wait for her to come to you and simply have fun. If you can't do this, then it's NC all the way

[Survivor12]

You need to treat this as starting a new relationship, not as jumping back into the one you had before. Think about it--the one you had ended! Put all of your preconceived ideas about how she thinks, what she expects & how things used to be out of your mind. Get to know who she is now & be yourself (not who you think she wants you to be).

 

Don't assume that you know all there is to know about her. ASK her what she thinks and feels. Don't ignore the time you've been apart and pretend like it never happened. The experiences you each had during that time has a lot to do with who you are now. Even though it was a relatively short amount of time, there are still bound to be subtle changes in your perspectives and interests.

 

Don't rush being in a relationship...take time to enjoy the anticipation of each date. Check your neediness and insecurities at the door. Don't expect or ask for daily contact. Don't get all worked up when she doesn't respond as quickly as you think she should. Take time to find the rhythm that works best for both of you. Just because she may have been at your beck & call before, doesn't mean that she is now.

 

As someone else said, treat her as you would someone you just met and have begun dating. Live in the moment instead of focusing all your attention on the finish line.

[heart12]

You have to tell what caused your BU to enable others advise properly. In the meantime really relax. You have called her and am sure you know this girl better than any of us, that's why you are afraid, she isn't for real. So approach it that way, let it be a fun thing. Don't tell her anything about your feelings. Wait for her to come to you and simply have fun. If you can't do this, then it's NC all the way

 

It was a combination of neediness and us becoming completely dependent on each other. Also she felt I didm' have the friends like I used to and we spent all our time together. Since talking I've found out that she was afraid at some point I would really want to spend the rest of my life together and would want other experiences.... that sort of thing. She also needed some space to grow on her own a bit and she was going away for a year and dint' want to it to feel like I was 'waiting' for her and her holding me back.... She is officially back now.

 

 

What I can't understand is me asking her out for this week last night and her stlll not responding.

[heart12]

You need to treat this as starting a new relationship, not as jumping back into the one you had before. Think about it--the one you had ended! Put all of your preconceived ideas about how she thinks, what she expects & how things used to be out of your mind. Get to know who she is now & be yourself (not who you think she wants you to be).

 

Don't assume that you know all there is to know about her. ASK her what she thinks and feels. Don't ignore the time you've been apart and pretend like it never happened. The experiences you each had during that time has a lot to do with who you are now. Even though it was a relatively short amount of time, there are still bound to be subtle changes in your perspectives and interests.

 

Don't rush being in a relationship...take time to enjoy the anticipation of each date. Check your neediness and insecurities at the door. Don't expect or ask for daily contact. Don't get all worked up when she doesn't respond as quickly as you think she should. Take time to find the rhythm that works best for both of you. Just because she may have been at your beck & call before, doesn't mean that she is now.

 

As someone else said, treat her as you would someone you just met and have begun dating. Live in the moment instead of focusing all your attention on the finish line.

 

I get the completely and that is what we are doing (while discussing the things we have changed and worked out the past year. We have both agreed that sometimes people need time apart and it has done us both good. I don't understand why such long delays in her responses though. Is she just playing 'the game' by making me wait?

[organizedchaos]

It was a combination of neediness and us becoming completely dependent on each other. Also she felt I didm' have the friends like I used to and we spent all our time together. Since talking I've found out that she was afraid at some point I would really want to spend the rest of my life together and would want other experiences.... that sort of thing. She also needed some space to grow on her own a bit and she was going away for a year and dint' want to it to feel like I was 'waiting' for her and her holding me back.... She is officially back now.

 

 

What I can't understand is me asking her out for this week last night and her stlll not responding.

 

And yet, here you are stressing about not hearing back from her in a timely manner twice in this thread.

 

You have not changed or evolved and are doomed to make the same mistakes again. You already are and it's been a week?

[heart12]

And yet, here you are stressing about not hearing back from her in a timely manner twice in this thread.

 

You have not changed or evolved and are doomed to make the same mistakes again. You already are and it's been a week?

 

It's just that in my dating life I have never seen someone take 24 hours to respond to a text before... 2 maybe 3 hours tops.... but 24 hours seems lengthy. Does it not? Maybe she is just testing/playing hard to get but it's a long time to not message.

 

Of course I keep doing the same to her in a way.

[organizedchaos]

It's just that in my dating life I have never seen someone take 24 hours to respond to a text before... 2 maybe 3 hours tops.... but 24 hours seems lengthy. Does it not? Maybe she is just testing/playing hard to get but it's a long time to not message.

 

Of course I keep doing the same to her in a way.

 

This reconciliation is doomed, and it will be your undoing. Mark my words. Sorry, but you are clearly not in the right state of mind for this.

[heart12]

This reconciliation is doomed, and it will be your undoing. Mark my words. Sorry, but you are clearly not in the right state of mind for this.

 

I'm not in the right state of mind just because I find it long for someone to take 24 hrs to respond to a text? Maybe I've just never dated someone who has done that but that is a long time considering she is on her phone a lot.

 

NORMALLY when someone takes that long they are either A) playing very hard to get or B) not interested.

[heart12]

How do i proceed now? It's been since 7 pm LAST night where I asked her out for Monday and no response. Do I do nothing at this point? I can't ask or say anything else right?

[Mr.Pine]

I'm disappointed because she simply didn't answer... I wasn't asking her for plans this weekend.

 

I have bad news, brother. You are not ready to rekindle anything...even a friendship. You are freaking out over the smallest made up things. You can't just jump into "love you-miss you-hug you-kiss you" mushy crap. You need to slow your roll or you'll mess up a second time.

 

You want to be back at the exact same place you were before the breakup. That ain't gonna happen, bro. You need to give her time, space and you need to take up a hobby or three and not make her your universe.

 

Problem is, you have never knocked her from her princess pedestal. You are second guessing everything she does, says, doesn't do, doesn't say.

 

I say you pull the plug on this reconciliation until you are really ready to give it another, solid go. I see disaster in your future if you don't.

[FortunateSon]

Do nothing. As others have said, it doesn't seem like you are in the right state of mind for this reconciliation if her response time is stressing you out this much.

[heart12]

My frame of mind is fine but when she doesn't answer me asking her out form24 hrs and I know she is there reading the message I find

It weird and annoying. Am I supposed to be jovial she is taking a full day to maybe not even answer me?

 

Assuming she doesn't do I ask her like what's up or ask her again?

[Simon Phoenix]

You aren't supposed to be jovial, but you also shouldn't be peeling off your skin in freak out mode either. Seems like you are way too emotionally invested in this already. And no, don't follow up with her. If she wants to see you, she will make a move.

[heart12]

You aren't supposed to be jovial, but you also shouldn't be peeling off your skin in freak out mode either. Seems like you are way too emotionally invested in this already. And no, don't follow up with her. If she wants to see you, she will make a move.

 

So I shouldn't say something later or tomorrow like "haven't heard back from you, do you want to hang this week?"

 

or something like that

[Simon Phoenix]

So I shouldn't say something later or tomorrow like "haven't heard back from you, do you want to hang this week?"

 

or something like that

 

No, that's too eager and clingy. She knows you want to see her, so let her be the one to make the next move. Meanwhile, keep yourself busy with other things.

[heart12]

am I just her backup? It just confuses me that her last message of I had such a great time and want to see you really soon is followed with a no response at all. It's weird.

[Simon Phoenix]

am I just her backup? It just confuses me that her last message of I had such a great time and want to see you really soon is followed with a no response at all. It's weird.

 

You need to chill out man. Honestly, I have no idea if you are her backup or not. There's no need to guess -- she'll make her motives known in time through her actions and responses.

 

But yeah, a few deep breaths would do you some good. I can't imagine you are this jumpy with most first dates. Maybe it'd be better if you occupy yourself with something else -- I just have this bad feeling you are going to freak out or smother her. Hope I'm wrong.

[heart12]

You need to chill out man. Honestly, I have no idea if you are her backup or not. There's no need to guess -- she'll make her motives known in time through her actions and responses.

 

But yeah, a few deep breaths would do you some good. I can't imagine you are this jumpy with most first dates. Maybe it'd be better if you occupy yourself with something else -- I just have this bad feeling you are going to freak out or smother her. Hope I'm wrong.

 

I won't do that... I stress but I'm incredibly disciplined about this stuff. Especially in person it's like none of it is there. When we broke up I went immediate no contact close to a year as hard as it was. Didn't beg or plead once. I just can't understand why she would just NOT answer and find it hard to not ask but I won't.

Also when we went out this week she asked me to an event to keep her company. If she doesn't bring it up, do I ask about it?

[Simon Phoenix]

I won't do that... I stress but I'm incredibly disciplined about this stuff. Especially in person it's like none of it is there. When we broke up I went immediate no contact close to a year as hard as it was. Didn't beg or plead once. I just can't understand why she would just NOT answer and find it hard to not ask but I won't.

Also when we went out this week she asked me to an event to keep her company. If she doesn't bring it up, do I ask about it?

 

No, let her make the next move. No matter how many times you rephrase the question the answer is still the same. If she really wants you to go she'll remind you about it.

[organizedchaos]

I'm not in the right state of mind just because I find it long for someone to take 24 hrs to respond to a text? Maybe I've just never dated someone who has done that but that is a long time considering she is on her phone a lot.

 

NORMALLY when someone takes that long they are either A) playing very hard to get or B) not interested.

 

You're not in the right state of mind because you're on here over analyzing, questioning, over and over again. You're panicking. Maybe she's not interested, maybe she's busy. Either way, you should have other things to do other than freaking out about her not getting back to you.

[heart12]

She finally responded

 

""hey cutie - shoot. Going to the country with the girls but lets try to hang later in the week."

 

I answered back " Yeah we'll see if I have the time. Have fun with the girls."

 

Her response "Busy bee. Thanks XXX"

 

Not sure if she is stringing along or just trying to play this whole thing really casual but ball is now in her court.

[Simon Phoenix]

Your text came off a little annoyed, but it's not a huge deal. Honestly, I still am not sure that you are ready for the ups and downs that this will bring. You already are on edge. I think it's smart to leave the next meet-up to her.

[heart12]

Your text came off a little annoyed, but it's not a huge deal. Honestly, I still am not sure that you are ready for the ups and downs that this will bring. You already are on edge. I think it's smart to leave the next meet-up to her.

 

I am willing to go through as many ups and downs as I have to. I want her back. I can take whatever pain and confusion comes along the way. What do you suggest I do next? While I complain/whine a lot here I am incredibly disciplined and strong. I can do this.