Which man is right for me??

[Kelebek]

I'll try to keep this short(ish)

 

About 2 years ago, I fell in love with a great guy, Andy. It didn't work out, and after seeing each other (nothing serious, but my feelings were) for about 8 months, I decided I couldn't handle feeling 2nd best - he had broken up with his girlfriend right before I came along, his first love etc so he was a bit messed up.

 

I moved on, and two months later I found a really, really wonderful guy, Ryan. We don't have a lot in common but stayed together for 9 months, which ended 2 weeks ago. He's great, kind, I get along with his family as well as I do with my own, and we were pretty much inseparable for our time.

 

I ended it because we bickered quite a lot, in the end neither of us were happy. And also I still have leftover feelings for Andy - which obviously I didn't tell Ryan about, I couldn't hurt him like that.

 

Andy is part of a huge group of friends I had before getting together with Ryan (I stopped seeing them except for the ones I'm really close to because it was too hard to see Andy) and I've seen them quite a bit recently - it's great fun having my old mates back. So I've seen Andy a fair bit more than usual (about 4 times in the last 4/5 weeks) and the last time I saw him was 9 days ago, when at the end of the night we kissed.

 

I was happy, really happy the next day because it seemed as though everything I've been pining after has come back to me...but then reality hit. I can't jump from guy to guy, I need a break!!! Andy and I have talked since, texted most days but I haven't seen him again. I know that he wants something to happen between us though - not now, because he understands I'm hurting about Ryan, but eventually.

 

In the first week after Ryan and I splitting, I seemed to be fine. However, I miss him so much that it's almost physically painful - I work with him and I have to see him quite a lot, and this weekend we were talking lots, and at some points we lapsed into our old intimacy - not kissing or anything, just...I don't know, acting like we hadn't broken up. We seem to be getting along far more now that we've taken a step back and had a break.

 

Now I just DON'T know what to do. I love Ryan, but I don't think I was IN love with him (what a cliche) like the way I was with Andy. We have the same sense of humour, and get along so well that it's scary.

 

But me and Ryan have intimacy, we know each other SO well in every way it is possible to know someone, I adore his family and vice versa, we had a nice routine....what is so WRONG with me then, that it's not enough?! It seems that I have 99% going for me with Ryan...but there's that extra 1%, that X-Factor thing. Which I have and have always had with Andy. I've got that 1% with him, but not the 99%.

 

I mentioned this to my friend, who said that she thinks that that 1% is more like 90%. So that's another spin on it, confusing me even more.

 

I could try again with Ryan, but I could lose my chance with Andy...but if I wait and see if me and Andy work out, I will definitely lose Ryan. And I miss him so much - it seems senseless to deliberately deprive myself of something I miss so much but for some reason I've done it. I feel like I have to make a decision now - me and Andy can wait - we managed to kiss again and get those feelings again after almost a year...Ryan isn't the same. He won't wait around - what sensible person would. I just hate seeing him hurt - he's one of my best friends!! I care about him so much! And it hurts even more to realise that it's me who has caused that hurt. At work this weekend, as I mentioned before, we were talking a lot, and when he said bye he almost kissed me - it was a strange moment. I care about him, and I'm still attracted to him...but I have these other feelings.

 

Has anyone been through anything like this? I'm so sad at the moment, I don't know what to do. I miss him so much but I'm scared to ask for him back in case it only takes a few weeks/months for me to feel trapped and want out again, and hurt him even more. Or maybe things have changed? But can I really ignore the feelings I have for Andy?? I managed for 9 months...but it still crept up on me. Ugh.

 

Sorry for rambling - I know I promised it'd be short Thank you for listening - if you've read all the way through, you're a star!!!

[Sckott]

There's something to be said about chemistry, what it does to us and our relationships. It's as if chemistry itself is a completely seperate being.

 

Well, in many cases it is!

 

What it seems you have here are two guys, Ryan that you can't get totally or perfectly comfortable with, Andy's the good doode with the big heart, but that's not keeping your attention.

 

What I would do is literally make a good and bad list for both of them and list your wants and needs right under your lists for both of your men. If your wants and needs cannot be met by either of these men, you will have to move on. This is very hard to do, but you have to make a sane decision so you don't further damage your relationships with either of these men.

 

Fact is, there's something missing with both of them, although they both excite you in different ways. Take the issues you have with both of them and examine what makes you unhappy. You may want to move on to someone else who can love you in ways you never realized.

 

In this case, chemistry is driving you to AND away from these men....