Do you feel misunderstood?

[Gaeta]

I was single for 10 years then decided to search for 'the one'. I have been looking for 3 years. I have met 10s and 10s of men. Most men I had 2-3 dates with them, a few I had short terms relationship of 2-3 months, 1 relationship lasted 6 months. I want to find 'the one'. I have achieved all my goals in life and at 48 I am looking forward to again have a man in my life.

 

Everyone around me is married or in a common law union. A couple of days ago I broke up with last boyfriend of 3 months so I told my family. They went: aaawww again he wasn't the one ??? and I heard again:

 

1) Something is wrong in the way you pick men

 

2) It's impossible you have not met anyone nice yet

 

3) You don't really want to meet someone serious that's why you keep failing

 

4) You are too picky

 

5) you are not picky enough

 

They make me feel deficient in some way for being unable to find a man for so long. I am a pretty lady, I have a nice personality, I have a career, got my sh.1t together, I'm stable, and all.

 

I feel misunderstood. As per everyone around me it should be easy because it was soooooooooo easy for them to meet 'their one'.

[d0nnivain]

Is there anybody close to you whose judgment you trust? You are the common denominator in all of this so maybe there is something you are consistently doing that is sabotaging your efforts?

 

 

I had a dear friend about your age & after a while I noticed she had a bad habit of trying to force her hew guys into the roll of family member too soon. What I mean by that is that after a few weeks she would get pissy if they didn't do the same things her BIL was doing I thought her expectations in that regard were too high.

 

 

Do you see any patterns about where & how you meet men? Change up your routine. That may help.

 

 

You are not defective.

[marcjb]

It might help if we knew how your past relationships ended. Who broke up with who and what were the reasons?

[Gaeta]

It might help if we knew how your past relationships ended. Who broke up with who and what were the reasons?

 

You sure you are ready for that chapter? lol

 

Marriage of 15 years with first boyfriend I met at 17. He was controlling and abusive, I ran out of love and I am the one who ended it.

 

Marriage of 4 years he was cheating also controlling. I gave him an ultimatum I lost.

 

Then 10 years not looking

 

Then a bunch short term relationships with men losing interest after a couple of months so I am the one ending it while I still have some pride left.

[d0nnivain]

Do you see the pattern? -- you like dominant men.

 

 

Somehow in there you need to learn to figure out the difference between confident & controlling. It's not always that easy to do.

 

 

Do you find yourself loosing interest if the guy isn't a real alpha male?

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Because there is no such thing as "the one" the sooner people let go of the notion the better.. you will spend your life having relationships with different people and love them in different ways like your friendships.

 

Think there was "the one" out there done nothing but screw me up, it puts people on a pedestal and with everyone you think "its the one!" then its not and wow what a thing to get over..

 

Remember the saying "relationships come and go but friends are for life"? WRONG! they are both relationships and they will both come and go x

[Gaeta]

Do you see the pattern? -- you like dominant men.

 

 

Somehow in there you need to learn to figure out the difference between confident & controlling. It's not always that easy to do.

 

 

Do you find yourself loosing interest if the guy isn't a real alpha male?

 

No I do not like dominant men, maybe when I was younger and did not know better that is why I ended up with controlling husbands. Now I cannot stand a man giving me attitude, I would not accept any man raising his voice at me or trying to tell me what to do.

 

There is 2 phase to my life, the before my 10 years of singlehood and the after. I don't think the years before my 10 years of singlehood matters anymore. During my 10 years alone I have matured and gained in confidence a great deal, I also do not go for the same type of men, not at all.

 

My brother asked me what was the common denominator in my last 3 boyfriend and the answer is they were all shy and introverted. My 2 ex-husbands were extroverted. I go for the totally opposite.

[Gaeta]

Because there is no such thing as "the one" the sooner people let go of the notion the better.. you will spend your life having relationships with different people and love them in different ways like your friendships.

 

Think there was "the one" out there done nothing but screw me up, it puts people on a pedestal and with everyone you think "its the one!" then its not and wow what a thing to get over..

 

Remember the saying "relationships come and go but friends are for life"? WRONG! they are both relationships and they will both come and go x

 

I don't believe there is only one person for me, it's an expression. I want to meet a compatible companion.

[d0nnivain]

OK. Then you are changing the pattern.

 

 

When I was younger I loved bad boys. Some of us do grow up.

 

 

Maybe you just need a balance: a confident guy who is strong enough to not try to dominate you. My husband is a guy like that. It took me 40 years to find him.

[Mrin]

Man I just don't know... I have a theory that as we get older our lives become more complex and rigid. Our flexibility to accommodate and embrace others goes down year after year. Then, if you are superficial like me, :-) age and healthy living starts to pare the selection down even further. So I think it in infinitely easier to find a "one" at 25 than it is at 35 and exponentially harder at 45. But, conversely, the likelihood of he/she actually being THE one, or at least a one that will be a good partner for the long haul goes way up.

 

I mean, the good news is that you know a lot more about the guy you're looking for. The bad news is that you know a lot more about the guy you're looking for.

[Gaeta]

My mother says I demand too much attention and expect too much.

 

On here people say I don't expect enough from men.

 

I think I expect bare minimum from a man I am dating.

 

I told my mother the story about last guy not letting me know his phone didn't work for 4 days and how I was worried. She told me it was none sense to want a man to contact me each day. If I expected contacts only a couple of times a week then he would have taken care of his phone without me noticing anything and I would still have a boyfriend.

[xxoo]

I'm a little surprised that you didn't get drawn together with anyone in the 10 years of "not looking". In 10 years single, were there single men your social sphere?

[Gaeta]

Here is the reason I was single for 10 years.

 

After my last split up in 2004 I went on a trip down to hell. For the following years I gained on average 30-lbs per year till I reached 260-lbs at 5'3''. I became morbidly obese and lived as such for 6-7 years. At that size my life was about my teenage daughter and building a career, nothing else. 3 years ago I lost 127-lbs, went back to size 6. That is when I started looking for a mate.

[xxoo]

People date and meet partners while obese, so I'm not sure if the greater impact was your size or your emotional state and lifestyle (singular focus on your daughter) which led to your size in those 10 single years.

 

Have you spent any years "not looking" while living a healthy lifestyle, at a healthy weight? "Looking" can lead to a lot of unnecessary dead ends. Just living and enjoying life can lead us to suitable partners naturally.

[todreaminblue]

it is not my fault that men find out after they have decided that i am not good enough to stay....they realize they never should have never left.....all in all i am glad they did because the guy who feels that when with me there is better out there ...is not the best for me they dont get a second chance.I get that chance to be with someone who is the best for me.God wants me to be the best and have the best.More not less and i look forward to being with that man.

 

 

Dont listen to others you know this in your heart so listen to that still calming voice of your own heart.you know exactly how good you are.do not listen to the negativity of someone who has an unfortunate life, to think that you desrve a realtive life to theirs, and to try an change your very true and just perception of what you deserve by saying inappropriate thoughts based on their own experience not yours.

 

with advice take what strengthens you and fortifies you ...do not take what puts you in a frame of mind, that is to be forever, a resigned heart to accept a lesser life than you know you deserve.

[Gaeta]

People date and meet partners while obese, so I'm not sure if the greater impact was your size or your emotional state and lifestyle (singular focus on your daughter) which led to your size in those 10 single years.

 

Have you spent any years "not looking" while living a healthy lifestyle, at a healthy weight? "Looking" can lead to a lot of unnecessary dead ends. Just living and enjoying life can lead us to suitable partners naturally.

 

Obesity is common to some culture but not mine. I am French, obesity, even a little overweight is unattractive in my culture. Maybe that is why since i lost my weight i date outside my race. I lost all attraction toward

frenchmen.

 

Yes i have spend time alone. None of those relationships materialized into anything so i am always alone.

[Gaeta]

That is a symptom. Not the reason. Most of us have gone through a break up in life and end up in a relationship within a reasonable time. I had teenage daughters (2) and a professional career...and started a relationship...not any different for many women. Relationships support us...they don't take away from other aspects of our locpves.

 

From your posts I still think you don't really let a man feel emotionally at ease around you. You should chill out and lighten up. You don't want to be a fake but try and smile and don't bring up bad memories or talk negatively about your past with a new guy. Be positive. Strive to foster a nice easy feeling.

 

I never talk about my past, I never mention I was single for so long, I don't talk about being obese at some point, I never go into details of my past marriages. I am a very positive person, I have a go get it personality, I smile all the time, etc.

 

The one thing that I agree is that I give a vibe of not 'needing' anyone and men want to be needed. I don't need someone, I want someone.

[Gaeta]

I need a man in my life to be truly content. Otherwise, I'm just feeling things are 'ok'. I personally need affection...it's what motivates me. No affection and

I am not really happy. I could have tea and cake with girlfriends at the ritziest cafe in the world and it doesn't match the feeling of holding hands with my guy.

 

Fine if you don't need a man to feel fulfilled but that shouldn't prevent you from making a guy feel special. He should feel like he adds value to you. It doesn't take much effort to ask his opinion on things in your life, get him to fix a leaking faucet or similar things. This gets him into your life instead of ceasing to exist once the door is closed and you are alone. My experience is that you want to start slowly meshing little things in life so that they are 'ours ' instead in 'mine' and you start to think as 'we'.

 

You make it sound like I am a cold b.1tch lol

 

I am a loving and affectionate woman. When I have a man in my life he is my only one, I only have eyes for him and he is my priority.

 

I need love and affection like everyone else, I am not different, but if the men coming in my life aren't worth my time I have no choice but to let them go. I won't stay with a luckywarm man just to get his affection.

[El Brujo]

Of course I feel misunderstood, LOL! It's part of who I am!

 

I gave up trying to be just like everyone else years ago and accepted it.

 

Everyone is their own brand... a lot of people don't want to be their own brand because they want to be just like everyone else, some kind of sameness appeal that I'll never understand. Ever since I turned 18, I've had the freedom to develop my own brand.

 

But at least I'm not trying to be something I'm not.

 

About 9 years ago, I worked with a woman who tried very hard to make others believe she was weirder and more wonderful than she really was. She fooled a lot of people, but she never fooled me... a pretender can never fool someone who's the genuine article. I've always been outside looking in, but that woman was on the inside, wishing she could get out.

 

Ain't gonna happen, bud...

[D.Mc.]

Hi Gaeta, yes it's unbelievably frustrating when the people around you make you feel like you're the one at fault for not having what they have. Guess what? You have to live your life on your own terms & that includes the man you choose to have in it. If you analyze a relationship or 2 of your family/friends you will see that there is something each of their SO's does/is that would make you kill them, but it's no biggie for the women they are with.

 

You just have to keep looking till you find the man who suits you enough to keep. That's all they have, someone who they like enough to stay with. Also, unless you really do know all the intimate details, these women may not be as content as they seem, just don't want to rock the boat after so many years married etc. My friend had what I called the furniture showroom marriage (married in mid 20's, successful $$making husband, suburban home & stay at home mom). He cheated on her before they got to their 18th anniversary & she divorced him. She now knows it wasn't the 1st time. So, it's worth it to keep on trying till you find the one that YOU want, not just someone so you can fit in with everyone else's plans.

[todreaminblue]

i have only started dating when i have weight on not off and i don't expect perfection in a guy either but i would hope that we match enough to enjoy fitness together .....because i actually like fitness, wouldn't know it to look at me, .i have never had a problem getting a date as a big girl, and i have dated fit guys because i enjoy fitness.I dont wait till i am fit to date, they get to see it happen if they join in and have fitness as dates even if it is a walk...every long one..lol....deb

[Kid_Charlemange]

I need a man in my life to be truly content. Otherwise, I'm just feeling things are 'ok'.

 

Wow, that's really sad. Depressing, in fact.

 

I don't think I've ever met a confident person who say they "need" someone in their life to feel complete.

[Teraskas]

Well ofcourse I feel misunderstood.

 

Ranging from the 2 relationships where both women cheated on me to friends in relationships who are under the assumption that I don't put in enough 'effort.

Naturally they are blissfully ignorant as to how much of a pain in the arse it is to find someone I'm compatible with who doesn't tire of me in the first few months.

I don't ask for much, honestly lol. :/

To them it was so ridiculously easy that they barely had to put in any effort at all.

[Imajerk17]

I think sometimes we do have to listen to what our friends are telling us.

 

From the way you described your last relationship, it hardly sounded good. You even mentioned that he wasn't "the typical type you were looking for". Yet you stayed with him for 3 months.

 

Meanwhile you mentioned in another thread about the runaround you gave another fellow. Seems that you handled things in an immature way.

 

So yeah from what I am reading I do think your struggles are do to you and I think your friends are thinking the same thing (sorry if this sounds too blunt).

[littleplanet]

wow.

applause on that weight loss.

 

Hmmm. If your previous boyfriends fit more of a shy and retiring mold, I'd say that this was more in your comfort zone.

But also - men in that category tend to be a little more fuzzy around the edges when it comes to romance. I mean the big R kind of romance.

So you lose the alpha-dominating bohunkus, sure enough - but you don't necessarily gain back someone with the buckuppo to look upon thee as mate. (and act accordingly)

 

I've known a fair number of women whom I remember that between the ages of 38-48 came into their own sphere in spades, and were not inclined to suffer fools gladly. All to the good.

But the dating pool in that demographic has been known to take a swan dive from the sublime to the ridicuous.

 

Yet it can be a time of life when lifestyle choices, personal interests, even career development.......can lead to interesting social affiliations......outside the dating pool altogether (at least, the conventional one) wherein like-minded individuals can form bonds which bring all sorts of compatibilities to the surface.

 

Your problem doesn't seem to be meeting willing men.

It is meeting men of a certain compatibility.

They do exist......just perhaps, not where and how you're looking.

 

IF (and I mean if, because I'm not - my missus distracts me overmuch )

......I was looking now - I would certainly employ a plethora of personal interests in shaking the trees to see what fell out. But above all music - because music to me now in life, is a wonderfully social exercise.

(Long gone are the days of drugs, rock and roll.....and that third thing that went with the other two...)

Replaced by, shall we say...a more mature approach?

 

But back to the issue of your own self getting in the way.....

Your past history, your likes and dislikes, etc.

Well of course it does.

You know what you want.

You certainly know what you want to avoid.

All to the good - less wasted time.

 

A good fit is the one who sees all that, knows all that - and appreciates it enough to take seriously.

When you proceed through life's changes, the dating rules change too.

(Athough certain basic principles still apply.)

 

But as to whatever the social pressures are, the judgements and analysts - you probably know yourself better.....and chances are, well enough to fill in the blanks.

"What's wrong with me?" goes up in smoke when answered by someone who doesn't find you faultless.......but loves you anyway.

Edited June 13, 2014 by littleplanet