Do you feel misunderstood?

[angel.eyes]

Congrats on you're weight loss! Almost 50%. That's so impressive.

 

It takes time to find someone. People forget that once they've been married a while! Also, the older you are, the higher your standards generally. The dating pool is also less enriched for attributes that matter to you. You end up having to sift through a lot more than you did in your early twenties.

 

You aren't necessarily doing anything wrong in your dating approach. From what you post, your standards and expectations seem practical and realistic. No doubt there's a bell-shaped distribution curve to meeting a life partner. A few lucky people meet immediately. Most take a year or several maybe. Others are at the other tail of the distribution curve.

 

Look for obvious things you might change, make sure you're putting yourself out there, then relax and enjoy the process of meeting new people. In due time, you'll find someone special.

[todreaminblue]

Wow, that's really sad. Depressing, in fact.

 

I don't think I've ever met a confident person who say they "need" someone in their life to feel complete.

 

 

I can be completely confident...i need a guy to feel complete.that guy is always my best friend and lover everyone needs somebody.....thats just fact...cant be refuted really believe me i try ...i would love to be a nun in part and just raise llamas in tibet....the nun always loses....nymph is stronger when wrestling with desire and a heart that knows what right.......deb

[todreaminblue]

wow.

applause on that weight loss.

 

Hmmm. If your previous boyfriends fit more of a shy and retiring mold, I'd say that this was more in your comfort zone.

But also - men in that category tend to be a little more fuzzy around the edges when it comes to romance. I mean the big R kind of romance.

So you lose the alpha-dominating bohunkus, sure enough - but you don't necessarily gain back someone with the buckuppo to look upon thee as mate. (and act accordingly)

 

I've known a fair number of women whom I remember that between the ages of 38-48 came into their own sphere in spades, and were not inclined to suffer fools gladly. All to the good.

But the dating pool in that demographic has been known to take a swan dive from the sublime to the ridicuous.

 

Yet it can be a time of life when lifestyle choices, personal interests, even career development.......can lead to interesting social affiliations......outside the dating pool altogether (at least, the conventional one) wherein like-minded individuals can form bonds which bring all sorts of compatibilities to the surface.

 

Your problem doesn't seem to be meeting willing men.

It is meeting men of a certain compatibility.

They do exist......just perhaps, not where and how you're looking.

 

IF (and I mean if, because I'm not - my missus distracts me overmuch )

......I was looking now - I would certainly employ a plethora of personal interests in shaking the trees to see what fell out. But above all music - because music to me now in life, is a wonderfully social exercise.

(Long gone are the days of drugs, rock and roll.....and that third thing that went with the other two...)

Replaced by, shall we say...a more mature approach?

 

But back to the issue of your own self getting in the way.....

Your past history, your likes and dislikes, etc.

Well of course it does.

You know what you want.

You certainly know what you want to avoid.

All to the good - less wasted time.

 

A good fit is the one who sees all that, knows all that - and appreciates it enough to take seriously.

When you proceed through life's changes, the dating rules change too.

(Athough certain basic principles still apply.)

 

But as to whatever the social pressures are, the judgements and analysts - you probably know yourself better.....and chances are, well enough to fill in the blanks.

"What's wrong with me?" goes up in smoke when answered by someone who doesn't find you faultless.......but loves you anyway.

 

 

 

"What's wrong with me?" goes up in smoke when answered by someone who doesn't find you faultless.......but loves you anyway.

 

 

sublimeness on repeat

 

 

 

for flaws make us human and every human has many matches but the match that is best is when a man or woman can understand the flaws are there and they are to be loved as hard as the attributes......you have your way with words my friend.....deb

Edited June 13, 2014 by todreaminblue

[spiderowl]

Why were you single for 10 years and not seeking a partner? I've only been in 3 relationships since high school...but never more than a month not in one...and I'm in my late 50s.

 

Perhaps you are more content on your own and would be happier with a few good male friends. There's lots of fun male/female Meet Up activities..hikes, dancing, divining, travel, hobbies, etc. Lots singles, couples.

 

I doubt if any male is going to fit into the slot of your expectations. A woman who went that long without a partner probably doesn't 'need' a man and a man is most secure when he feels special and needed. You may be set in your ways (not meaning a bad thing) and just not flexible in allowing a man to feel comfortable in your life

 

Really? How on earth do you meet guys who are interesting/nice enough to always be in relationships? They just don't seem to exist!

[carhill]

They make me feel deficient in some way for being unable to find a man for so long. I am a pretty lady, I have a nice personality, I have a career, got my sh.1t together, I'm stable, and all.

 

I feel misunderstood. As per everyone around me it should be easy because it was soooooooooo easy for them to meet 'their one'.

 

Therein lies the rub of social pressure. One has choices as to how to respond to it.

 

IMO, if you have otherwise healthy relationships in your life, I doubt you're 'misunderstood', rather you may just be better off living 'alone' in the romantic sense. Each of us is different. For some of us, having a <58> year marriage (the guy I'm watching drive a Grand Prix car in a movie right now) is impossible. For others, a year-long romance is impossible. For others, they never even meet anyone close to the 'right one'. That's how life goes.

 

Sounds like you have a lot going for you. Hopefully you'll have a long life to enjoy it all.

 

Though I've been married, I wouldn't rate my success with romance/relationships as outstanding by any stretch. That said, during the longest 'dry spells', some lasting years, I never felt 'misunderstood'; I was successful, had a good family and friends and a lot to be thankful for in life. Single again now, I still feel that way, though the family is gone now.

 

Good luck!

Edited June 14, 2014 by carhill
math problem

[littleplanet]

sublimeness on repeat

 

 

 

for flaws make us human and every human has many matches but the match that is best is when a man or woman can understand the flaws are there and they are to be loved as hard as the attributes......you have your way with words my friend.....deb

 

 

flaws to be loved as hard as attributes.

Now.....that's the ticket.

The stuff that can last a lifetime.

(I've been mesmerized by a certain crooked tooth forever)

[todreaminblue]

flaws to be loved as hard as attributes.

Now.....that's the ticket.

The stuff that can last a lifetime.

(I've been mesmerized by a certain crooked tooth forever)

 

 

as usual a smile for you.......to be had...read your mail..deb

[Gaeta]

Therein lies the rub of social pressure. One has choices as to how to respond to it.

 

IMO, if you have otherwise healthy relationships in your life, I doubt you're 'misunderstood', rather you may just be better off living 'alone' in the romantic sense. Each of us is different. For some of us, having a <58> year marriage (the guy I'm watching drive a Grand Prix car in a movie right now) is impossible. For others, a year-long romance is impossible. For others, they never even meet anyone close to the 'right one'. That's how life goes.

 

Sounds like you have a lot going for you. Hopefully you'll have a long life to enjoy it all.

 

Though I've been married, I wouldn't rate my success with romance/relationships as outstanding by any stretch. That said, during the longest 'dry spells', some lasting years, I never felt 'misunderstood'; I was successful, had a good family and friends and a lot to be thankful for in life. Single again now, I still feel that way, though the family is gone now.

 

Good luck!

 

I have amazing relationships with my siblings, parents, my daughter, friends, neighbors, colleagues. I never have conflicts with anyone, I am known to be trustworthy and very diplomatic. All these people don't understand why I am alone, they can only conclude it's something I am doing wrong because as per them a woman like me shouldn't stay single.

[carhill]

Part of the human issue is that you can do everything 'right' and never or rarely be attractive to another person in the romantic sense. This realization can become especially painful when observing others doing or being so much 'wrong' (from one's own perspective) and seeming to have social/romantic 'success'. The problem with that is we only see surfaces and can never know what's in their minds.

 

Back when I was confused about such dynamics, mainly in my 20's, I had yet to understand the power of demographics, and tended to blame myself for my lack of 'success' in the romantic realm. Later, once I had become more 'worldly', I better understood the power of demographics and that it wasn't so much that I was doing anything 'wrong', rather there were so many men, chasing the fewer available women, that were or were doing more 'right' that it was easy to overlook lesser men. Simple supply and demand. The women understood completely and men like myself weren't up to their standards of attractiveness or desirability. It took immersing in other demographics which were different to better understand this aspect of the dance of romance, e.g. the 'competition'.

 

My best advice from past experiences with this stuff is to try different things within the realm of remaining who you are as a person and see what sticks.

 

One thing that sticks out in my mind was the period where my M was in difficulty and I was stressed from doing EOL care and it was like all of a sudden I had a 'whoa he's attractive' sign pasted on my forehead, though I felt nothing of the sort and wasn't interested in such attention in the least, being completely preoccupied with other matters. My presumption is that my usual and customary pursuit of everything 'right' had slipped and whatever vibe was being expressed evidently was attractive even though I was quite married at the time. Post-D, that dynamic is back to flat-line, nothing, so provides an interesting anecdote to analyze. My bet is you could likely find varying periods in your life to look at as well. Myself, if I had to make a choice, I'd take a bullet rather than re-living the period of life that created or impelled that 'attractiveness', but each person's life path is unique. Maybe today or tomorrow will bring you what you seek. One never knows.

[hotpotato]

Yes, I do feel misunderstood.

 

I go months or years without boyfriends or sometimes even dates. Every now and then someone asks if I'm a lesbian. Maybe I'll just start saying yes!

 

Funny thing is I know a few self-identified lesbians who are married to MEN and have babies.

 

 

Sometimes I just dont want a boyfriend. I don't want to date.

it's easy for me to get stuck in my own ways.

I've been through some painful relationships so that hasn't help.

I"m fine with doing most things alone so I dont really "need" a man.

 

 

Gaeta, do you think on some level you gained weight with the intention of repelling men?

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, do you think on some level you gained weight with the intention of repelling men?

 

Certainly, and probably also as a protection against them BUT I have lost it all now, I have been at my healthy weight for 3 years, I look great, I have never had so much confidence in myself. I lost it all to find a mate and be in love again. I date and date, it's obscene the number of men I dated but none have been long term material. If we date 3 months it's a record, it never makes it further.