Wife in EA, wants to leave me for commitmentphobe

[Striver]

Sometime last year my W started distancing herself from me. Scheduling more time separate and less together. We'd talked about a fall trip antiquing as we have many time before and it never happened. This spring she took a 5 day vacation by herself to see a friend in Arizona, still no couple vacation. Confronted her on that after her trip and she didn't really apologize, just promised something in the future.

 

Last September she started contacting OM. I now know who he is, have met him a couple of times. Chief memory of him is his adamant refusal to commit to his GF of 7 years. GF left him shortly thereafter to start a family with someone else. He is probably in his early-mid 50s by now. (I am 48, wife is 38.)

 

Last Saturday (11 days ago) W drops a bombshell that she has been unhappy for the past year. Some actionable items that I could fix (nothing that should be a dealbreaker), blah blah blah, you have Aspberger's and I'm so so social blah blah blah, I hate the TV shows you watch blah blah blah, let's take a step back.

 

The bombshell followed a visit with a female cousin of hers. After these visits my W has frequently acted grumpy or weird. Sleeping on the couch because I didn't call to check on her when she returned really late, asking me to stay up so she could text in bed. Female cousin is also a commitmentphobe in her relationships and with my W, frequently ditching W as a friend for months at a time. Commitmentphobes seem to be a weakness for W; she had a major relationship with one before she met me and went back to him after he broke her heart. As for myself, I wasn't a commitmentphobe, but a really late bloomer and had to be drawn out a lot by her. Anyway, as far as the cousin goes I believe there was discussion of exit strategy for the M before the bombshell was dropped and I was aware of any serious issues.

 

Following the bombshell, there was much scurrying by me trying to fix what I could and rekindle things. Wife did some flirting in response, but mostly needed more space or implied it wasn't worth the bother.

 

After another visit with female cousin this past Monday, W says she wants a separation in bed. Next night she has her wedding ring off and says she wants to separate and date OM. Yesterday I ask her some details about OM, what and how long, but I don't need to know a name. She tells me his name anyway. I knew they were friends, this is the first I heard of any romantic interest. Supposedly it was a choice to marry him or me, and W chose me. I don't know when OM was really in the picture, since he was supposedly with his GF when we were dating.

 

I briefly went along with the idea of the M ending before realizing that hardly any work has been done on our M and without any other major problems in the R, except for the damage my W's EA is now doing. W is apologetic for being a bad wife but only in post-mortem mode, assuming the marriage is over. Otherwise she's grumpy and needs more space. We are in-house separated. She sleeps elsewhere and we don't exchange intimacies. We can't afford another place, as my W is SAHM with some outside income.

 

W has claimed there have been no exchange of intimacies between her and OM, though it hardly matters as she is likely in love with him. The big bugaboo is that my wife is supposedly so so social and I supposedly have Asperberger's, but I trust little about my wife's opinion of our relationship since everything will be twisted to put as much distance between W and me as possible. OM is a 50+ cop who's never been married. I met OM, and when he was with his GF his GF was by far the more social, so I don't know what W is gaining by destroying our family with children to be with OM.

 

I understand the attraction of OM, believe me. She's frustrated with the kids, I'm the cause of the kids, OM is from her kid-free past. OM gets a do-over from his commitmentphobe ways as well, assuming he's changed I guess.

 

I will be inaugurating MC since it's the right thing to do, and I'll need help to stay sane even if W never attends. Plus, it's the right example for my kids.

 

Any thoughts or support?

[pteromom]

Augh. I am sorry this is happening to you.

 

Your wife is making a poor choice.

 

Even if she IS unhappy in your marriage, she shouldn't be running to someone else. She should be stepping back and analyzing things on her own to decide whether to try again or divorce.

 

All she's doing is making a mess of things.

 

And you know as well as I do that whatever EA she is having with this guy is not what real life would be like with him.

 

Unfortunately you can't control what she does.

 

So yes, go to counseling on your own.

Be very strong for your kids. Don't bad-mouth their mom or bring them into adult drama (I'm assuming they are underage kids who live with you?)

Focus on yourself right now.

Hire an attorney and get all the info you can about support, alimony, custody, housing, etc. so you know exactly what to expect.

Make sure financial assets are safe, so she doesn't clean out the bank accounts and disappear with this dude.

 

I am sorry.

[ThorntonMelon]

Tell all of this to a lawyer.

 

And I'm really sorry.

[Spectre]

I'm really not sure why you are even talking about fixing this, or would even want to? Your wife doesn't love you, she doesn't even seem to be THAT remorseful about her affair. She is saying she is unhappy and is emotionally involved with another man and you want to try to "fix" things? There is no marriage to work on because your wife checked out the second she began this affair. Don't waste money on marriage counseling over a woman who has no real respect for you or her children.

 

Divorce her, and take the kids if you can..I doubt you want this scumbag of another man being around your kids a lot, etc. and having a hand in raising them. What kind of example is a man who gets with a married woman going to set?

 

I also doubt she has not slept with this guy. Very doubtful. You also say you think she is in love..but you want to fix this, so why? Why do you want to be a doormat? Also wait, is this woman not the mother of your kids? Since you said she is frustrated with the kids and YOU are the cause. That is such a bizarre thing for a woman to blame her husband for that.

 

I honestly don't see this ending well for you because like I said..I am not trying to insult you, but you seem like a man who is about to become a doormat. Re-read your post. First you talk about your wife flat out saying she wants to date another dude, then you talk about how she is in love with him, and yet you say you want to reconcile with her. Then you say strange things like you can understand her cheating because she is frustrated with the kids? But no, that isn't understandable. I understand being frustrated with your kids, but it makes zero sense to get rid of said frustrations with an affair. The fact the guy is from her "kid free" past is of little consequence. This all adds up to you first of all being blind to what she is telling you(that she doesn't love you) but you are somewhat making excuses for her.

 

Be very strong for your kids. Don't bad-mouth their mom or bring them into adult drama (I'm assuming they are underage kids who live with you?)

 

I don't see why he can't say anything bad about the mother. She's done nothing to deserve his discretion. I'm not saying start going on and on about her, but if the kids ask him why they are splitting up(if they do split up)..he should tell them straight out: your mother caused this. If she doesn't have enough respect for her kids to not cheat on their father then I don't think he should really have to worry about how they view her.

Edited June 12, 2014 by Spectre

[Oberfeldwebel]

I would be very suspicious of what she is telling. Most woman don't leave one relationship, unless she has something lined up. She may not have ridden that pony, but she has him saddled up ready to go. This has been going on much longer than you think. When she started acting grumpy and distant, that is when she was transitioning over. You can't nice her back into the fold. There can be no reconciliation as long as she is communicating with other man. You need to go into complete 180 mode as long as she is in contact with him. Next you need to consult with an attorney. You don't have to file, but you need to know your rights. Lastly you need to open separate bank and credit card accounts and move your auto deposits to this account. Don't move from your bed or house, this is her idea.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look. she's disrespecting you from the left and the right, top and bottom so you got a choice.

 

You could either be the kicked ass or the ass kicker. IMO, let her know that she's more than welcome to go after this guy and I would go to U haul and buy some boxes and tell her to start packing ASAP and let her know that once she's out the door, don't turn around or come back because there will be nothing to come back to.

 

You have to stop playing nice guy because she isn't playing games with you and as long as you let her, the worse it will get.

 

If it was me, I would hit the bank, close the accounts and start new ones with half the money before she takes it a runs and re open you credit cards in your name.

 

Don't give her the wiggle room to play games with you. Once she knows that she's boxed in, then reality will set in. If that happens, then you can make you mind up if this is the person you want in your life or if you can do better.

 

I would also consult a lawyer and let her know that her time is running out and she's about to face a new life she may have no bargined for

[Striver]

First, I am sorry that you are here.

 

Here are my observations based on what you have said:

 

• Your wife has been sleeping with the POSOM for some time now. There is no way that she would break up the marriage without sampling the new partner to see if he was any good - and it doesn't matter if they dated in the past, its the present she would be concerned with. So this has probably been physical and for some time too (for it to have reached this stage)

 
If she slept with him before, the she knows what she is getting and there is no reason to sleep with him before leaving to find out. I don't know if she slept with him before at some point in her life. I don't know what "it was between me and him and I chose you" means. I knew who he was, but she never mentioned him as a partner or potential partner before. Maybe he was always in her "hope" chest, I don't know.
 
I have not really ever caught her lying. Here I have massive omissions, exit strategy, planning behind my back, disrespectful comments and attitudes, and twisting our past history to create the maximum possible distance. But no lying.
 

She does not care about you, respect you or love you while she is this affair. She is not even thinking about the children.

 
She cares about our kids. Why she wants to disrupt a good, comfortable lifestyle for this guy I don't know. But then I'm far more easygoing than she is. Love is a decision. You learn to accept and love what you choose. Just like we do with our kids. Obviously she doesn't feel the same way.
 
Why she wants to schlepp kids back and for for 14 years I don't know. She is bitchy and grumpy enough already, that isn't going to help.
 

You have to file for divorce, attorney up and protect yourself and custody to your kids.

 
If I filed right now she would probably lap it up. I want to take my time for the sake of the kids. I have and will continue to make it clear that I have no respect for her approach to marriage. But right now she will just argue that there's no possibility of us having any connection, so it's pointless with her right now.
 
She has indicated respect for my fathering, so hopefully that will go as well as possible if we don't make it. She seems to want to get along when in post-mortem mode.
 

You should blow this affair up by exposing to all - her friends and family, your friends and family, his too. Put him on CV.

 
I'm sure she doesn't consider what she did an EA, because "no lines were crossed." She just communicated with an ex-lover/whatever for 9 months until she was ready to leave the marriage and date him. She has a history of not caring what people think if it's important to her.
 
Many of my friends will know, believe me. Don't know if I want to do that with her family. If I sense there is disparagement because of the Asperger's crap, I might be forced to protect my name. I don't want to confront just to confront, I pick my battles.
 

Start working on improving your health and self-healing by doing the 180.

 

She is gone and will not come back until she has hit rock bottom - and you may not want her back by then (if you are doing your healing and self improvement right). Hitting rock bottom means realising that what she did was wrong and unjustified, is genuinely remorseful and proactively doing things to repair the marriage etc. This cannot happen while the affair continues.

 

She is stubborn and doesn't self-reflect. Don't know if she will ever care the way I would. She says she wants me to hate her, but that likely won't diminish her resolve.

 

I need to watch my mental health, keep communicating and leaning on people. Physical health will probably be okay, I don't have problems there usually.

[Striver]

Look. she's disrespecting you from the left and the right, top and bottom so you got a choice.

 

You could either be the kicked ass or the ass kicker. IMO, let her know that she's more than welcome to go after this guy and I would go to U haul and buy some boxes and tell her to start packing ASAP and let her know that once she's out the door, don't turn around or come back because there will be nothing to come back to.

 

You have to stop playing nice guy because she isn't playing games with you and as long as you let her, the worse it will get.

 

If it was me, I would hit the bank, close the accounts and start new ones with half the money before she takes it a runs and re open you credit cards in your name.

 

Don't give her the wiggle room to play games with you. Once she knows that she's boxed in, then reality will set in. If that happens, then you can make you mind up if this is the person you want in your life or if you can do better.

 

I would also consult a lawyer and let her know that her time is running out and she's about to face a new life she may have no bargined for

 

I don't think intimidation would work with her. She doesn't care. She is going for a commitmentphobe, that is what she wants. That is the only thing she seems to respect, someone who is remote. She idolizes that stupid cousin of hers, always has. I don't want to be that way in a marriage, it's not me.

 

I don't think she cares about the vows she took in church in front of other people. She was never much of a team player. She was in management when she worked, I guess I know why now. Always bitched about church and anyone who was more of a team player sort.

 

Only thing that took her aback is when I mentioned that I loved her unconditionally, like family. For me it has to be serious issues. Well, I guess we have infidelity now (EA.) None on my end, no reason she should be divorcing me except she wants this guy and doesn't care what people think.

[Striver]

I would be very suspicious of what she is telling. Most woman don't leave one relationship, unless she has something lined up. She may not have ridden that pony, but she has him saddled up ready to go. This has been going on much longer than you think. When she started acting grumpy and distant, that is when she was transitioning over. You can't nice her back into the fold. There can be no reconciliation as long as she is communicating with other man. You need to go into complete 180 mode as long as she is in contact with him. Next you need to consult with an attorney. You don't have to file, but you need to know your rights. Lastly you need to open separate bank and credit card accounts and move your auto deposits to this account. Don't move from your bed or house, this is her idea.

 

She would have moved if we had the money. We don't have the money for a second place. We will probably have to sell this place. Worth it to her, I guess.

 

She has known OM for 15 years, longer than me. Possibly were lovers at one time, I don't know. She loves the commitmentphobes, that's for sure.

 

I was there for her when she needed someone strong and reliable after getting burned a couple of times. But she gets plenty of help from her folks too, so maybe she figures she can do without that from me. She probably also got tired of my contrast after a while since deep down it isn't a vital enough need for her. She's quite competent at what she does usually, that's for sure. She did a lot of the household finances and stuff and wouldn't have been happy with how I did them.

 

In some ways she doesn't respect reliable and steady, I think. She used to be in HR, hiring and firing, flew around the country firing people. Didn't know all of that ran so deep in her.

[todreaminblue]

I'm really not sure why you are even talking about fixing this, or would even want to? Your wife doesn't love you, she doesn't even seem to be THAT remorseful about her affair. She is saying she is unhappy and is emotionally involved with another man and you want to try to "fix" things? There is no marriage to work on because your wife checked out the second she began this affair. Don't waste money on marriage counseling over a woman who has no real respect for you or her children.

 

Divorce her, and take the kids if you can..I doubt you want this scumbag of another man being around your kids a lot, etc. and having a hand in raising them. What kind of example is a man who gets with a married woman going to set?

 

I also doubt she has not slept with this guy. Very doubtful. You also say you think she is in love..but you want to fix this, so why? Why do you want to be a doormat? Also wait, is this woman not the mother of your kids? Since you said she is frustrated with the kids and YOU are the cause. That is such a bizarre thing for a woman to blame her husband for that.

 

I honestly don't see this ending well for you because like I said..I am not trying to insult you, but you seem like a man who is about to become a doormat. Re-read your post. First you talk about your wife flat out saying she wants to date another dude, then you talk about how she is in love with him, and yet you say you want to reconcile with her. Then you say strange things like you can understand her cheating because she is frustrated with the kids? But no, that isn't understandable. I understand being frustrated with your kids, but it makes zero sense to get rid of said frustrations with an affair. The fact the guy is from her "kid free" past is of little consequence. This all adds up to you first of all being blind to what she is telling you(that she doesn't love you) but you are somewhat making excuses for her.

 

 

 

I don't see why he can't say anything bad about the mother. She's done nothing to deserve his discretion. I'm not saying start going on and on about her, but if the kids ask him why they are splitting up(if they do split up)..he should tell them straight out: your mother caused this. If she doesn't have enough respect for her kids to not cheat on their father then I don't think he should really have to worry about how they view her.

 

 

kids are nto meant to take sides.....they are just meant to be lvoed and nurtured into healthy adults who have a good idea on how to treat prospective partners and relationships they have will be far more rewarding then, if solidarity in parenting is achievable, by not bad mouthing each other or parenting capabiliities of one or the other...thats all that matters..kids grow to develop a good sense of right and wrong if you show them grace under fire....and take on a view of acting what you preach....deb

[harrybrown]

You will never nice her into this. If she is this far gone, see if you can get her to just leave you and the children behind.

 

What old are your kids?

 

have you talked to her mother about all this? you do need to expose even if she does not care. You should do this for your kids.

 

The OM does not care about your kids like you do.

[gettingstronger]

I am sorry you are hurting. I will never understand people that think they can just walk away from the life they created. I get it, raising kids, jobs, bills, etc... its stressful-the focus on you is diminished, its exhausting-but guess what- thats life and plenty of people find a way to enjoy it despite all of its ups and downs-

 

Seems to me the ones that want to run a way or deal with it by having an affair (my husband included) are selfish-

 

All of that being said- I don't see how you can fix it if she is not willing to even try-my guess is that she will end up with OM who will quickly tire of her and move on- seems to be his MO

 

While I understand you love her and don't want to see her hurt-there is only so much you can do- I suggest you protect yourself and your kids as much as possible as she self-destructs-

 

I am sorry you are in this position- stay strong-

[Owl]

I went through something similar about 10 years ago when my wife was all set to leave me for an OM she met online.

 

You might do some look up for my threads from way back in 2004/2005.

 

The route I took was a bit different...my wife wanted to go see what life would be like with him...but keep me in her life as a backup plan/friend.

 

I said no. We did an in house seperation for about 3 weeks post d-day...and I (foolishly) was helping her plan out a seperation at the time as well. But when she was about to sign a year long lease, I realized that she didn't really intend it as a "trial" seperation.

 

Next day, I spoke with an attorney, got all the info I could on divorce in our state, and let her know that night that if she was insistent on a seperation of a year or longer, I wanted a divorce instead. I wasn't willing to wait on her that long. We could divorce, and see how we felt about each other if we were still friends at that point.

 

That was her breaking point...she didn't want a life completely without me. When she realized that she was going to lose me out of her life forever as a result of her actions, she was forced to make a choice, and take action.

 

I'd suggest something similar to you. Do you truly believe that she's ready to leave you completely and not look back? If so...what is there really to reconcile between you? If not...then perhaps she needs to be reminded of that herself?

[gettingstronger]

Great response Owl- what you did took lots of courage and love- to be able to guide someone through a decision like that with the integrity you showed must have been very difficult- I am unsure if I would had that the fortitude to do that-amazing and I am glad it worked out for you-

[Owl]

Great response Owl- what you did took lots of courage and love- to be able to guide someone through a decision like that with the integrity you showed must have been very difficult- I am unsure if I would had that the fortitude to do that-amazing and I am glad it worked out for you-

 

Thanks GS. It worked out for us...and we're doing great now. My wife is very, very appreciative of me, and grateful that things worked out the way that they did for us.

 

I have nothing against reconciliation...it worked for me.

 

By the same token, it only works if both parties decide to work on it.

 

Striver, it seems to me that your wife feels (right now) as if she's made up her mind that she wants her OM. My recommendation for you would be to do a modified plan loosely based off of what marriage builders calls "Plan A".

 

Basically, do what you can to improve yourself. Don't do it for her...do it because you know it's in your own best interests to improve yourself. Focus on taking care of you. If you've gotten out of the habit...start working out. The stress of what you're going through right now is incredible...I've been there. Exercise can help you deal with all of this. Start a good program. Take up running if you like, or take up martial arts. Do something for yourself, without her. Something that wears you out physically, and starts filling your time and your attention. Make sure to groom yourself nicely, and wear decent clothes. Let your interactions with her be a little less frequent.

 

DO NOT plead, cry, beg, cajole, argue, or otherwise do anything to make yourself look needy/weak.

 

Something to consider...

 

Women cannot respect a man that they can control, or a man that they can treat disrespectfully.

 

And...women cannot have romantic love for a man that they cannot respect.

 

Give that some thought.

 

I'm NOT saying treat her like crap. I'm saying that you need to take care of yourself. Don't let her treat you like a doormat, an option. INSIST on respect, EARN respect...and you'll probably be amazed at how she responds.

 

If she truly insists that she wants to be with OM...then be willing to let her go. Make sure she understands what that means to you, what that means for her.

 

My wife clearly understood that she had a choice. She could have him...but then she'd never have me again. In any fashion. I wasn't going to be her friend, pining on the sidelines wishing I had her back. If she left me to be with him...she lost our relationship entirely.

 

I meant that. She knew that.

 

And that was one of the primary reasons she ended up making the choice she did.

 

But...it's all up to you.

 

What you're willing to accept in your life.

[pteromom]

 

I don't see why he can't say anything bad about the mother. She's done nothing to deserve his discretion. I'm not saying start going on and on about her, but if the kids ask him why they are splitting up(if they do split up)..he should tell them straight out: your mother caused this. If she doesn't have enough respect for her kids to not cheat on their father then I don't think he should really have to worry about how they view her.

 

Because they are half their mother.

 

His discretion isn't for her. It's for them.

[Striver]

I wish you the best. Does your wife?

 

She will take the blame, but only with me as an ex. Does wish me the best. Of course, she has a soft landing with OM and I would be starting over.

 

Doesn't want to fix it. Other times she's angry, distancing, wants her space.

 

W was the more emotionally dedicated of the two of us in courtship/early marriage. The kids sapped her, she got sad (I offered to help), started distancing me, and has a couple of bad influences.

 

I'm just trying to be there for the kids right now. W likes to move fast, so who knows what her brain is coming up with next. She is doing enough to destroy the marriage on her own, doesn't need my help. Just such a waste for so many years of co-parenting we would need. Yes, I could find someone else, but that will be a bunch of compromises on my part too. Don't need it if I can help it.

[aliveagain]

You can't control her so do whatever you need to do to protect your children and to survive. Take the fantasy out of the affair by exposing her to any that have influence over her. If she wants this guy and doesn't care what other people think than you can do one of two things, let her go to him and wait around as her back up(a very painful thing to do) or start the process of divorce and get through this as quickly as possible. She will only do what you allow her to do, tell her she is free to date OM but just not as your wife. You need to talk to a lawyer.

[Striver]

You can't control her so do whatever you need to do to protect your children and to survive. Take the fantasy out of the affair by exposing her to any that have influence over her. If she wants this guy and doesn't care what other people think than you can do one of two things, let her go to him and wait around as her back up(a very painful thing to do) or start the process of divorce and get through this as quickly as possible. She will only do what you allow her to do, tell her she is free to date OM but just not as your wife. You need to talk to a lawyer.

 

To be honest, I am moving towards moving on at this point. W has given me no encouragement and will not go to counseling.

 

W is super tight with her parents and they are an antiquing couple. Antiquing is pretty much her only interest. I supported her on that, went on trips with her, but it was not an equal interest of mine. OM has been sending her tons of listings on Craigslist for antique furniture and stuff, maybe that is a shared interest of theirs.

 

W has many good qualities, but is inflexible and could never adapt to anything in my life. Her parent's life of an antiquing couple is probably the only possible couple for her.

 

At this point, if I can use her guilt over a separation/divorce to get help and a favorable setup with the kids, if I still get the same access to my kids and influence over them, I'm not sure I care any more. There is a bit of slander out there about me, and her cousin can burn in hell for her role in this, but if myself and the kids are okay it may be better this way. She really hasn't been much of a W as far as bonding to me.

[aliveagain]

To be honest, I am moving towards moving on at this point. W has given me no encouragement and will not go to counseling.

 

W is super tight with her parents and they are an antiquing couple. Antiquing is pretty much her only interest. I supported her on that, went on trips with her, but it was not an equal interest of mine. OM has been sending her tons of listings on Craigslist for antique furniture and stuff, maybe that is a shared interest of theirs.

 

W has many good qualities, but is inflexible and could never adapt to anything in my life. Her parent's life of an antiquing couple is probably the only possible couple for her.

 

At this point, if I can use her guilt over a separation/divorce to get help and a favorable setup with the kids, if I still get the same access to my kids and influence over them, I'm not sure I care any more. There is a bit of slander out there about me, and her cousin can burn in hell for her role in this, but if myself and the kids are okay it may be better this way. She really hasn't been much of a W as far as bonding to me.

 

The area's that have been highlighted pretty much says it all. Use this opportunity to get the best settlement for you and your access to your children. Fire her as your wife, she's failed miserably and it doesn't sound like her family is supporting her staying with you.

[Striver]

OK, an update. Saw a lawyer today, I'll explain why.

 

After discovering who W's EA partner was I laid low for a while. Was content to do in-house separation since I didn't want to talk to W too much myself and was content to enjoy good days with the kids.

 

After giving W a day and a half off last weekend (W did the same for me weekend prior) W gets ready to take the kids. W says she is tired of not talking to each other, I respond that I want to talk, I want to go to MC and she doesn't. So we get into it a bit. I say she's doing all of this because she's in love with OM, she doesn't deny it. I say she's having an EA and wants to leave me for another man, she says so what, people have affairs and leave their partners all of the time. Well I guess that shut me up.

 

W chose this moment to talk because I was about to go talk to another friend who's had a divorce. A key linchpin of W's argument is a singular instance of W coming home and announcing that our child has Condition X. We have known that our child has had the delays that are a part of Condition X long before this, it's why we have the child tested. Calling the syndrome Condition X doesn't affect our course of treatment. It basically slaps a name on it. Also, I had never heard of Condition X. So my response to her announcement wasn't emotive enough, apparently, and she got POed silently.

 

For my part W has acted too negative for my liking about the same child's future a couple of times. Crap happens in a marriage, I sucked it up. W didn't.

 

The singular incident is the key to the W labeling me with Asperberger's-like behaviors which are impossible for me to change, according to her. She made this diagnosis (she's got a Psych undergrad, so SHE KNOWS) after watching a character with Asperberger's-like symptoms on the TV show Parenthood. Ironically, that character wound up successfully entering a romantic relationship at the end of the most recent season. Now W thinks that I could be a good partner for many other women as well, just not her I guess.

 

Anyway, W wants me to talk to my friend because according to W children with any disabilities are marriage breakers and friend has an autistic child that caused friend's marriage to break up. Of course, it turns out that friend was married to a bipolar alcoholic that said he wanted a divorce the day before the autistic child was born. Besides, friend has been with another man for many years despite the daily care needs of her child. Friend did relate to W having a midlife crisis, since she had her own EA around the same age. Our own child will require help in the classroom, but otherwise is no harder to care for than any other child.

 

I tell all of this to W and of course it means nothing. W wants "us" to get a furnished one bedroom where I would sleep 5 nights and her two. I explain that since I don't agree to the separation without any work being done on the marriage, I legally can't agree to any sort of move out. She is welcome to come and go as caregiver (she is SAHM with some side income.) She says she will take the kids and move out, then says she will file for a legal separation.

 

That's where the lawyer comes in. Needed to know my rights. Lawyer is good, family law, not confrontational. Lawyer confirmed my instincts about refusing to move from the house. If W gets a legal separation, then we need to agree on something. Then I would probably spend some of my time away, but I don't have to sign the separation myself and wouldn't. If W takes off with the kids I need to get a court order. Lawyer was surprised that W didn't want to do MC with our small children and no serious issues prior to W's EA. I explained the EA was likely the primary cause of W's viewpoint on MC, though she was likely depressed and unhappy before EA started.

 

W has started seeing a psychiatrist, but according to her the psych and everyone she talks to tells her she's doing the right thing. I find this hard to believe if she's telling them everything I know. W is smart and articulate, and it took me a little bit to read through all of her spin, so maybe she can fool people for a little bit.

 

W has agreed to mediation to discuss where things are going, not MC. But the reasons for the breakup will likely come up, as they did with my lawyer. W's thinly stretched rationale can't hold up through all of this, seemingly. But if she never ends the EA it likely doesn't matter. And she hasn't yet. Someone has to fight for our kids, and it has to be me.

 

Why fight for the family? Wife's EA has been clean, no intimacies, just exit planning. If she ever snaps out of it we may have a chance. I've got young children, had them late, I can't start over with a family. I could find another woman, yes, but I'm not yet ready to spend a decade plus of shuttling kids between inferior homes. Plus the fact that W has been initiating all of the separation moves, she hasn't made any effort to reconcile yet anyway. The lawyer was a big step in being more ahead of the game. I am doing my own planning, I can always put on the brakes if W ever wakes up.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP I am sorry for your situation.

 

You sound like an awesome dad.

 

Beware labels, once people use them they remember the label and forget reality.

 

Your wife saw a TV show (!) and thinks that sticking a label on you supports her rationale for cheating. I shake my head and laugh: all men seem like Aspergers cases to women to some extent, the traits that make us men define us - goal oriented, less chatty and so on (I speak with a broad brush and in the main of course). She does sound like a champion rationaliser - such people can be very persuasive, if not very consistent.

 

I would apply the same warning to "commitmentphobe" - no single trait is all defining. It sounds like they are in some sense on each other's emotional wavelength. Suggest you don't overuse the term with her - they evidently plan to put the lie to it by setting up shop together. Pick a behaviour based term: how about "cheater"?

 

Take care man. Be strategic and plan for your kids. I liked the poster who said "Fire her as your wife"!

[Striver]

OP I am sorry for your situation.

 

You sound like an awesome dad.

 

Beware labels, once people use them they remember the label and forget reality.

 

Your wife saw a TV show (!) and thinks that sticking a label on you supports her rationale for cheating. I shake my head and laugh: all men seem like Aspergers cases to women to some extent, the traits that make us men define us - goal oriented, less chatty and so on (I speak with a broad brush and in the main of course). She does sound like a champion rationaliser - such people can be very persuasive, if not very consistent.

 

I would apply the same warning to "commitmentphobe" - no single trait is all defining. It sounds like they are in some sense on each other's emotional wavelength. Suggest you don't overuse the term with her - they evidently plan to put the lie to it by setting up shop together. Pick a behaviour based term: how about "cheater"?

 

Take care man. Be strategic and plan for your kids. I liked the poster who said "Fire her as your wife"!

 

Agreed about the labels. I'll try to avoid them.

 

W does seem to have an attraction to a more avoidant type. I am quiet and shy, but not avoidant in the M. Maybe I appeared more avoidant before W drew me out.

 

The thing about the Asperger's label is it's clearly not meant out of love. It's a label W can stick on me so she can leave with justification. My friend with the alcoholic XH, she was in Al-Anon at the time. Clearly that was something that had been a subject with them for a long time before her XH left himself. When there is love, you work with the person, and only give up as a last resort. Not make the first comment about something on the way out the door. That hurts.

[Owl]

I think my previous advice to you still stands.

 

Set boundaries in what you'll accept from her.

 

Don't agree to anything with her that you don't run past your lawyer first.

 

Personally, her desire to put labels on you that aren't assigned by a doctor...I find highly offensive. I'm not sure she's mature enough to reconcile with, personally.

 

But...as I've said, protect yourself and your kids from her choices. If she's in love with OM, she can leave to be with him...but make sure she understands what the costs of doing so will be if that's what she chooses.

[Striver]

I think my previous advice to you still stands.

 

Set boundaries in what you'll accept from her.

 

Don't agree to anything with her that you don't run past your lawyer first.

 

Personally, her desire to put labels on you that aren't assigned by a doctor...I find highly offensive. I'm not sure she's mature enough to reconcile with, personally.

 

But...as I've said, protect yourself and your kids from her choices. If she's in love with OM, she can leave to be with him...but make sure she understands what the costs of doing so will be if that's what she chooses.

 

Oh, she was quite mature when I met her. When she hit her rough patch with our young children a year ago, she got depressed and her interests have narrowed. She's less well rounded than she used to be.

 

I have contacted a lawyer and been firm with W on what I'll agree to.