Wife in EA, wants to leave me for commitmentphobe

[2sunny]

Have you told all her family? If not, do it now.

 

Her actions and what she's done - expose her. It's her consequence at this point.

[mikethemechanic]

I am somewhat stymied by W's actions. W separated from me when she told me about OM. She likely wants me to storm out and give her a quick and easy ending. I will not be moving out. Despite her cocky swagger in all of this, she seems reluctant to actually move out and is still sleeping on the couch. Even if I made a move to kick her out, she would still need to be here for childcare, so it doesn't seem worth the effort.

 

Someone needs to care about the kids. W has a breezy attitude about what will happen to the children. We had a fine marriage before W's actions, we both should be fighting to save it. Even if W tries to reconcile at some point, I can reject her then because she likely can't manage the necessary attitude adjustment.

 

I confronted W about the checks she wrote OM. She said they were for antiques. According to her, OM has been giving her massive help with a new booth she opened at her mall, and this was payment for all of the furniture he bought. This is the first time W has EVER mentioned OM in this context.

 

Whether W is telling the truth or not, the damage to trust is massive when the omissions are massive. W is likely omitting any details she doesn't want to tell to her family as well. Same as lying.

 

I am now considering exposure to at least part of W's family. I'm a patient man, was a great partner for W given her personality. But W just doesn't get it.

 

Doing my best on all of this, never expected to be here. I don't have any good choices. Yes, I can find someone else to date, but given my age and the young kids I can't really start over. Just patch together whatever I can for the rest of my life.

is it possible that she could be playing him too? How many other man are being charmed by her wiles into buying her wares? There is an old adage the paper trail puts you in jail. Obviously I'm not talking about criminal matters but I'd go through he trash and look for anything that could be of use in the courts come divorce time!

[Owl]

Striver, here's my take.

 

There's a saying. You can leave the situation, change the situation, or accept the situation.

 

Right now, I have to agree with others...so far, you've talked about changing things...but have taken no true action.

 

Talking isn't one of the options listed above.

 

You need to either do something to change the situation, do something to end it...or accept it as is.

 

I too think you need to expose the affair to her family, and any friends you think she might still care about. Make sure that you explain to them what your goal is...end the affair, save the marriage, protect your family.

 

So far...she's suffered no true repercussions for her actions. That might change if you think her family will come down on her for what she's done. At the same time...start working on improving yourself where you think you can do so.

 

And it's probably worthwhile to start talking to a lawyer to discuss what you can do to protect yourself.

[Striver]

Have you told all her family? If not, do it now.

 

Her actions and what she's done - expose her. It's her consequence at this point.

 

W's sister will get the gory details tomorrow. I will probably see her, and if I don't I will send her an email. None of my family and friends approves of ditching a family at the drop of a hat, I don't think they do either. W is going to see them over the 4th holiday, if there is a blowup so be it. I'll be elsewhere with two of the kids.

[tom670]

W's sister will get the gory details tomorrow. I will probably see her, and if I don't I will send her an email. None of my family and friends approves of ditching a family at the drop of a hat, I don't think they do either. W is going to see them over the 4th holiday, if there is a blowup so be it. I'll be elsewhere with two of the kids.

 

Get your story out so she doesn't call you abusive and you torture kittens and so on.

Stick to the facts and ask for their support.

[2sunny]

No reason to wait on filing for divorce. The longer you wait - the more you pay for her debt she's incurring now.

 

Did you move money yet? Close her credit cards yet?

 

What have you been doing this week so far?

[Striver]

Striver, here's my take.

 

There's a saying. You can leave the situation, change the situation, or accept the situation.

 

Right now, I have to agree with others...so far, you've talked about changing things...but have taken no true action.

 

Talking isn't one of the options listed above.

 

You need to either do something to change the situation, do something to end it...or accept it as is.

 

I too think you need to expose the affair to her family, and any friends you think she might still care about. Make sure that you explain to them what your goal is...end the affair, save the marriage, protect your family.

 

So far...she's suffered no true repercussions for her actions. That might change if you think her family will come down on her for what she's done. At the same time...start working on improving yourself where you think you can do so.

 

And it's probably worthwhile to start talking to a lawyer to discuss what you can do to protect yourself.

 

I suppose I have accepted too much. I will now be exposing to her family. To her sister, probably in person. An email to her parents.

 

Here's the gist of the draft email:

 

So sorry I have to do this, but no other choice.

 

If shoe was on the other foot, I would expect W to do the same (key point.)

 

I don't think W is telling the whole story to people, so here's things I know.

 

W said she wants to date OM when separating, more details about their current relationship. Not an PA as far as I know, but W is in love with him. I know his name and will include it. Nothing else personal or condemning.

 

W will say we have nothing in common, that I can't change. This is in contrast to our many years where we showed interest and support in each other's activities. W seems to have changed, it's all about feelings for OM.

 

W's cousin is influencing her to end the M. (Cousin doesn't have the best rep with the whole family, and doesn't care about our kids even though she's had her own. I won't get into that, they know her better than I do.)

 

I don't take separation/divorce lightly, with children all attempts need to be made. I want MC, W won't go, won't stop contacting OM, won't stop listening to her cousin.

 

If we don't make it the family members will be hurt, and I need to do everything to make sure that doesn't happen. W isn't listening to me, maybe she will listen to you, who she respects.

 

Apologize again for having to do this, no choice.

 

Nothing about my feelings, nothing derogatory, just the facts.

 

Anything else I should add?

[Striver]

What have you been doing this week so far?

 

Hey, I checked out three books on divorce from the library!

 

There are flowers in the house. W stayed out 'til midnight on Monday, but I expect she bought the flowers for herself. W probably got sad when I made corn on the cob, a favorite summer meal of ours, for myself, since she hasn't been cooking for me. W probably didn't remember that I can cook, or that we had favorite things. Hence the flowers. Never mind that I bought her flowers a few times earlier this year when she was sad, or on a whim.

 

W is likely functionally depressed. Hope her psych is good for her and gets her some help. The separation has not made her happier.

[Striver]

Started reading a book on divorce, most of the stories started with a couple of years of fights by the couple. Gee, I wish I had that. Someone who cared enough to fight. Instead of someone who condescends to me and is trying to manage a divorce unilaterally.

 

Found out that W has plans to take all of the kids out of town. I was confused because we are splitting the kids this weekend. The confusion came because it's an upcoming weekend, and because I found out from my 4 year old, not W. Omissions are a longstanding issue with W, simply not telling me things. Called her out on this immediately, as usual W doesn't care.

 

For those who think W is having a PA or will do a money run, I really don't think so. I think she'd think those beneath her. This is all about her feeling she's better than me and doing an EA up and out. Of course, the reality is she's being a terrible relationship partner, doing damage she should be ashamed of. Her conceit, condescension, and disrespect are palpable when she's not depressed.

 

If her attitude persists, our co-parenting will be acrimonious and we will never be friendly at all. I'm working up some issues for my lawyer, and finding a mediator will be one, since I don't have any references. Perhaps a third party will force her to deal on a level playing field with me. I doubt it. What a sad, pathetic world she has now.

[2sunny]

And meanwhile she has no consequences, hmmm.

 

I'd like to take $4000 out of your account and go on a vacation that you pay for - what do ya say, yes?

 

She's taking you for a ride man - and you are just standing there doing nothing.

 

When you check your money and it's ALL gone - you'll understand why we've told you to move it. Happens a LIT - I'm sure your unconscionable wife is no different.

 

Go ahead - think she isn't banging that dude - every gall hands over $2000 to a guy they aren't banging...

 

I wish you'd wake up! You're not doing enough to make this hard on her. You're being her doormat.

 

 

Oh, and - what happened to exposing to all her family today?

[Striver]

And meanwhile she has no consequences, hmmm.

 

I'd like to take $4000 out of your account and go on a vacation that you pay for - what do ya say, yes?

 

She's taking you for a ride man - and you are just standing there doing nothing.

 

When you check your money and it's ALL gone - you'll understand why we've told you to move it. Happens a LIT - I'm sure your unconscionable wife is no different.

 

Go ahead - think she isn't banging that dude - every gall hands over $2000 to a guy they aren't banging...

 

I wish you'd wake up! You're not doing enough to make this hard on her. You're being her doormat.

 

 

Oh, and - what happened to exposing to all her family today?

 

Told W's sister last night. Sister knew nothing except that we separated. No surprise there. Turns out OM hit on W's sister the same night sister met her future H. Yeesh. Sister was appalled at W and very supportive of me. Nice to know.

 

W is an omitter, not a liar. Her parents probably don't know much either. W's sister and parents will be together for the holiday. I won't be there, will wait and see if anything blows up. If I can't tell, I'll likely send W's mom an email.

 

The money will be dealt with at some point. The personal stuff is more of a priority right now.

 

W has a good girl/bad girl thing. Closet smoker, likes to hang with the cousin who does not have the best rep. This could just be a massive rebellion against wife/motherhood. If that's the case, she won't be able to keep it up, and will probably try to reconcile at some point.

 

I will likely attempt reconciliation if we ever come to that. For the kids mainly. I owe them that. I would also favor a failed reconciliation over how things are going right now. I need the closure or something. Doubt that the W could make enough changes to make it a good M again, but I would try for a while.

[2sunny]

You are thinking reconciling... Your W is not.

 

 

Do the things to protect yourself now - unless you want to check that bank acct and find it empty.

[mikethemechanic]

Told W's sister last night. Sister knew nothing except that we separated. No surprise there. Turns out OM hit on W's sister the same night sister met her future H. Yeesh. Sister was appalled at W and very supportive of me. Nice to know.

 

W is an omitter, not a liar. Her parents probably don't know much either. W's sister and parents will be together for the holiday. I won't be there, will wait and see if anything blows up. If I can't tell, I'll likely send W's mom an email.

 

The money will be dealt with at some point. The personal stuff is more of a priority right now.

 

W has a good girl/bad girl thing. Closet smoker, likes to hang with the cousin who does not have the best rep. This could just be a massive rebellion against wife/motherhood. If that's the case,

she won't be able to keep it up, and will probably try to reconcile at some point

.

 

I will likely attempt reconciliation if we ever come to that. For the kids mainly. I owe them that. I would also favor a failed reconciliation over how things are going right now. I need the closure or something. Doubt that the W could make enough changes to make it a good M again, but I would try for a while.

I recommend a good read "When Reality Bites: Hopeful Thinking Mediates the Discrimination–Life Satisfaction Relationship" When Reality Bites: Hopeful Thinking Mediates the Discrimination?Life Satisfaction Relationship - Zhang - 2014 - Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy - Wiley Online Library

[mikethemechanic]

Wish that I had something hopeful to say but my wife left 14 years ago and I am basket case; I focus on my work and this site. It won't get easier.

[Fearful]

Op, the reality is that your wife have been physical with the OM but you don't want to belief that because all you want is reconciliation. The greatest tragedy that can hapen to a man is not just being deceived or cheated on by his wife. The greatest tragedy is when a man lies to himself, belief his own lies and allow others to deceive him. Your wife have being cheating on you physically, emosionally and even spending your hard earn money on the OM. Yet, you can't do any thing about it because all you want is reconciliation. I understand your desire to be there for your children because that is what every responsible father will do. But for you wanting to reconcile with your wife for children sake is completely misleading. No normal and reasonable person will do that. Your children need strong and emotionally balancing that from whom they can learn a strong moral behavioural code not a rug sweeping doormat. Your wanting reconciliation for kids sake is only a smoke screen. Your wife is a cheat, selfish, manipulative and heartless. If you reconcile with her, you are only telling your kids that this attitude of your wife should be condoned. Divorce your wife for the sake of your children. Don't allow your self to be any body's fool. Family being the first agent of socialization, Your kids can learn and developed behavioural code from your actions and inactions. Divorce can be devastative especially when children are involve but in your case, it is the best option. Good luck!

[Just a Guy]

I guess the OP is living in a Fool's Paradise and does not want to see reality. I do not know why he is even posting here when he chooses to ignore some of the sane and sensible advice that is being given to him free of cost. Guess some people are their own worst enemies. I really wish him the best of luck!

[Try]

There are flowers in the house. W stayed out 'til midnight on Monday, but I expect she bought the flowers for herself.

Why do you always give her the benefit of the doubt when she is leaving you for her affair partner? You told the family in your letter that it was "Not a PA as far as I know" when you have no way of knowing that it is not a PA. You let her get away with telling you that the OM bought antiques for her business when the dollar amounts is suspiciously exactly divisible by the thousands and she did not tell you about it at the time. Now you are assuming that she bought herself flowers. Studies show that most affairs go completely undetected by that cheater's spouse and that even when detected, only a small percentage of cheaters will ever admit to the physical cheating. Since she is leaving you for this other man, it is more than likely that the affair went physician. She will never admit this to you because she does not want to look like the cheater that she really is, but that does not mean that she has not taken this pysical.

 

The truth is your wife has had plenty of opportunity to have taken the affair physical and probably would not be so far along in wanting to divorce you if it had not already gone physical. From now on assume the worst in telling everyone about the affair. Let her have to convince them to ignore all of the smoke and assume that there is no fire. Tell them that "although she has been very good at hiding the affair from everyone, I now firmly beleive that this is a full blown affair that has gone physical; heck I did not even notice that she was for months secretly funneling thousands of dollars to her lover in preparation for the divorce until just the other day. Now she is staying out late and has flowers in the house that I did not buy her. I admit that I am guilty of allowing her to play me the fool for so long, but I never knew that she was so good at lying and betrayal until now." Say things like this and then shut up. Do not try to defend or explain yourself. When they ask if you have proof, tell them that proof is in the pudding in that she has been secretly planning to leave you for her lover for a long time and that the rest is obvious from there. Tell them that there is no point trying to prove anything to everyone, because that does not change the fact that she is ending the marriage to be with her lover, and is willing to team up with her lover to hurt you emotionally and financially. Let them know that you are still in shock by the amount of deception and betrayal she was capable of. Do not try to ague with them if they try to defend her. Tell them that since they are her family (or her friends) that trying to argue with them is pointless since it is an argument that you cannot win. Tell them that a famous con man, when asked how he got people to beleive the unbelievable, stated that it is easy to get people to beleive anything if that is what they want to beleive in the first place. Tell them that since they want to beleive her, they will. Close by saying something like "what hurts most is how good she has been at getting some to beleive her on so much of this. She is leaving me for her lover, people should draw their conclusion from that. If some people think that married people having secret lovers is not wrong, what does that say about them?"

Edited July 4, 2014 by Try

[2sunny]

Lying by omission is still lying - make no doubt about that.

[Striver]

Why do you always give her the benefit of the doubt when she is leaving you for her affair partner? You told the family in your letter that it was "Not a PA as far as I know" when you have no way of knowing that it is not a PA. You let her get away with telling you that the OM bought antiques for her business when the dollar amounts is suspiciously exactly divisible by the thousands and she did not tell you about it at the time. Now you are assuming that she bought herself flowers. Studies show that most affairs go completely undetected by that cheater's spouse and that even when detected, only a small percentage of cheaters will ever admit to the physical cheating. Since she is leaving you for this other man, it is more than likely that the affair went physician. She will never admit this to you because she does not want to look like the cheater that she really is, but that does not mean that she has not taken this pysical.

 

W is already a terrible person. Frankly, if she leaves the way she is leaving, a PA is just the cherry on top. She's leaving a good, easygoing man, in a marriage without the usual conflict that can cause a divorce, unilaterally, without MC or any discussion, for OM. She doesn't seem to care about the impact on the kids. EA, PA, I don't care that much after all of that.

 

Also, W self-disclosed OM. W has control issues and has designs on managing separation/divorce by herself. This is a horrible decision on her part. I will need to get everything in writing, and she will be difficult to deal with because the divorce won't make her happy anyway.

 

Yes, my theory with W is she's just doing (massive) omitting, not lying, and not doing a PA, so she can self-justify her perceived onward and upward move. With her current lack of remorse, if I discovered a PA her reaction would probably be "so what."

[2sunny]

W is already a terrible person. Frankly, if she leaves the way she is leaving, a PA is just the cherry on top. She's leaving a good, easygoing man, in a marriage without the usual conflict that can cause a divorce, unilaterally, without MC or any discussion, for OM. She doesn't seem to care about the impact on the kids. EA, PA, I don't care that much after all of that.

 

Also, W self-disclosed OM. W has control issues and has designs on managing separation/divorce by herself. This is a horrible decision on her part. I will need to get everything in writing, and she will be difficult to deal with because the divorce won't make her happy anyway.

 

Yes, my theory with W is she's just doing (massive) omitting, not lying, and not doing a PA, so she can self-justify her perceived onward and upward move. With her current lack of remorse, if I discovered a PA her reaction would probably be "so what."

 

What a great wife!

 

If you would just muster up the courage and strength to divorce your non- wife, you may get some dignity for the end result that's bound to happen anyway.

 

You were going to expose her actions to her family - but then only dumped that info on her sister to expose to the rest of her family. Why isn't that info/evidence coming directly from you? It should be from you - you're her husband. Second hand info is never ideal.

Edited July 4, 2014 by 2sunny

[JS84]

The money will be dealt with at some point. The personal stuff is more of a priority right now.

 

You have this backwards. Your "personal stuff" is going to become even more ****ed up if she drains your bank account. You need to deal with the money now. Believe me the "personal stuff" is not going to go anywhere anytime soon regardless of how you prioritize it. You can't say the same for your money. Be smart and protect yourself.

Edited July 4, 2014 by JS84

[2sunny]

Is there any reason you're posting here?

 

You certainly aren't taking any tips from loads of people who have been in your shoes.

 

What is it you want help with?

 

Sticking your head in the sand isn't going to help your train wreck.

[Leelou]

 

I have not really ever caught her lying. Here I have massive omissions, exit strategy, planning behind my back, disrespectful comments and attitudes, and twisting our past history to create the maximum possible distance. But no lying.

 

 

Women usually have been thinking about leaving the marriage for two years before they tell their husband they want out.

This is not only a 9 month thing. This has been going on longer. She is now fully disengaged from you and has very little emotional connection with you.

[Striver]

Women usually have been thinking about leaving the marriage for two years before they tell their husband they want out.

This is not only a 9 month thing. This has been going on longer. She is now fully disengaged from you and has very little emotional connection with you.

 

You may well be right.

 

Emailed her parents today. Mainly for the sake of the kids. It's probably my last best move, and probably won't matter. She's never felt she needs to communicate with me.

Edited July 5, 2014 by Striver

[mikethemechanic]

Striver 15 financial moves to make before you divorce!

15 financial moves to make before you divorce- MSN Money