An OKCupid experiment

[Kid_Charlemange]

OP, what exactly were you trying to gain from this experiment? I mean this is a curious way, not sounding to be negative.

 

Thanks for saying that; there are some incredibly nasty and negative people on this site!

 

I did it out of curiosity. I hate the pollyana types and the self-help writers. "Just be yourself," "You can be anything you want to be," "Never say a woman is out of your league."

 

It's baloney. And anyone who is honest about attractiveness knows it.

 

So I now have a spreadsheet with hard numbers to share with anyone who denies it.

 

Secondly, because I've always felt that I was upfront and honest about my looks, but friends would often tell me "Oh you're just being negative, and that negativity is the only thing getting in your way. Be more positive and you can date whomever you want."

 

Again, I'd call baloney. I'm pretty happy with who I am. I have a lot of things going for me; looks just aren't one of them. Not much I can do about that -- genetics is a harsh mistress. But now I can point to my test and say "Give it a rest. The numbers don't lie."

 

When my ex broke up with me, she specifically mentioned, several times, that she didn't want to "settle" for someone who looks like me. I sort of wanted to quantify that statement, and now I have.

[Kid_Charlemange]

I always did better with OLD, probably because in real life I'm more introverted.

 

Same here. I met a spouse on OLD ten years ago, and have had a few dates this year using it, especially OKC.

[Gaeta]

About online and the look issue.

 

A lot of men, and I mean A LOT of men, aim at women out of their league. If you are an average looking joe blow then search for an average looking gal.

 

I know what I am worth in terms of looks, I am not a model but I am pretty, I got a good body that I work at maintaining like a maniac! cause at 48 it won't hold together without efforts. Sometimes I get messages from men with beer gut, bad teeth, dirty t-shirts on, un-kept, unshaven......are you kidding me!!

[Weezy1973]

About online and the look issue.

 

A lot of men, and I mean A LOT of men, aim at women out of their league. If you are an average looking joe blow then search for an average looking gal.

 

I know what I am worth in terms of looks, I am not a model but I am pretty, I got a good body that I work at maintaining like a maniac! cause at 48 it won't hold together without efforts. Sometimes I get messages from men with beer gut, bad teeth, dirty t-shirts on, un-kept, unshaven......are you kidding me!!

 

Indeed, and this is one of the flaws in the OPs experiment. He was rated at less than a 2 and he was messaging women that were rated between a 3 and a 5. I guarantee looks would matter less to most of the women with lower attractiveness ratings. Not to the OP though apparently...

[Michelle ma Belle]

I hate okcupid, and I hate it with a passion. I hate their environment, their set up, their profile setup, their 100s of questions, their match results, I hate it all.

 

They matched me once with some guy we had 98% match, him and I had nothing in common!! conversation was awkward, we had no common interests, the few times I used okcupid those matches were bogus.

 

Also, okcupid admin would send me messages telling me my profile was the most popular in it's category, yeah right! I had 3 messages in 1 month compared to POF 20 messages a day. How could my profile be the most popular with so few messages.

 

Anyway I stay away from it.

 

I've already said this in another thread but I think OKCupid should be renamed OKStupid

[HappyLove]

Oh another "experiment". How come all these experiments are ALWAYS by men? I think THAT should be studied. Is it insecure men, bored men, obnoxious men? What makes a grown man create a fake profile pretending to be another man? Sometimes these "experiments" are men pretending to be women too. I think that would be interesting to know.

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

A lot of men, and I mean A LOT of men, aim at women out of their league. If you are an average looking joe blow then search for an average looking gal.

 

 

Well that was kind of the point of my test. And I agree with you 100%.

 

I kept hearing from friends -- mostly female friends -- that there is no such thing as "being out of my league." I thought that was BS. So I proved them wrong.

 

I'm never going to date a 5. I realize that. Nor should I! On a site like OKC, where the 5's can get literally hundreds of messages a week, even my expertly-crafted profile is never going to get past those hundreds of other guys. It's just a numbers game.

 

I probably should have been more clear about my motivations: This was never intended to be a "women are shallow" kind of thread, because there is zero doubt in my mind that if we reversed the genders, the results would be exactly the same.

 

Nor was I griping that I, as 1.5, can't get the 3+s. It's a buyer's market and there is no reason for anyone to settle. I guess what I was trying to do was prove that leagues exist at all, which is a fact that a surprising number of people refuse to admit.

[Kid_Charlemange]

My apologies -- there are other threads about "experiments" like mine. I just didn't dig deep enough.

 

This guy did something similar: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/475377-girls-dating-sites-really-picky-looks-6.html#post5686895

 

That is, however, the only one I could find going back six months.

[Kid_Charlemange]

Oh another "experiment". How come all these experiments are ALWAYS by men? I think THAT should be studied. Is it insecure men, bored men, obnoxious men? What makes a grown man create a fake profile pretending to be another man?

 

That might be an interesting study, if it were true.

 

But it's not:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/468932-bf-his-pof-profile#post5607104

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/445157-why-am-i-doing#post5366586

[Kid_Charlemange]

Yikes. I'm an amateur...

 

Cupid on Trial: A 4-month Online Dating Experiment | Jon Millward - Blog

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

Some men are losers...some successful. Millions of males have met there [sic] gal OLD...including OKCupid. They didn't do it by salivating over losers but emulating the successful.

 

I met my gal on OLD. Married her, in fact.

Edited June 13, 2014 by Kid_Charlemange

[Anela]

I'm a woman, who signed up briefly again, just to look around. The ONE message I received, was from someone asking for a picture (I had yet to upload one). I received positive results from the quick match, thanks to my profile, OKCupid told me I was "hot" - but nobody wrote to me - not one. So I didn't know who had "liked" me, and wasn't about to write to them, anyway, since they didn't feel the need to do more than hit a certain number of stars and move on.

 

Looks matter just as much to the men on there, as they do women. I had over 100 visits in twenty-four hours, but no messages, aside from that one. I'm sure that I do come off better in person - I have no idea how to "sell" myself online, and I'm not that pretty. It also seems like there are a lot of flakes on there - I've heard too many bad stories from great women, who should be having no problems, of the bad experiences they've had.

 

I know a few people who have successful relationships, thanks to OKCupid, so it can happen. I just don't see it happening for me.

[central]

Appearance is important to both men and women, but everything I've read and seen (including research) is that men rate appearance somewhat more important overall. Research also says that women are somewhat more influenced by personality, character, and success, so a less attractive man has a better chance of dating and marrying a more attractive woman than vice versa, if he has those non-visual traits.

 

OLD short-circuits this to a degree. Personality is hard to project through an online profile or even email, so men who might have a good result in real life approaches will have less sucess online if they aren't attractive.

 

While more attractive men may have greater initial success with OLD, they still have to survive the dating and screening process, and if they lack personality or character they will fail at that point.

[DArtagnan2]

Although women say looks don't matter, they do. While your experiment proved that, it was already a known no matter what women say.

 

In order for women to really like and "average joe blow" as someone put it, they would have to meet them in person and spend time with them. Over that time, when they get to know that average joe blow, they grow fond of them for who they are and realize that this guy, the average joe blow, was actually their match after they have gone through all the "hot" ones.

[Kid_Charlemange]

In order for women to really like and "average joe blow" as someone put it, they would have to meet them in person and spend time with them. Over that time, when they get to know that average joe blow, they grow fond of them for who they are and realize that this guy, the average joe blow, was actually their match after they have gone through all the "hot" ones.

 

Bingo. Which is one of the pitfalls of OLD... and the fact that it's become so mainstream.

 

I was an early adopter, and was using the sites back in 2003-04, and that's how I met my second wife. There weren't millions of people online then.

 

Now, it's so mainstream. Which means there are so many choices. You are absolutely correct, that a Joe Blow can have a meaningful and rewarding relationship with someone potentially "out of his league," or the inverse can occur, if they get to meet, have some chemistry, etc. The sheer volume of Joe and Jane Blows on OLD sites, however, makes it virtually impossible for them to stand out from the crowd.

 

I'm crap at talking to women in bars. Just plain awful. So I did the OLD thing because I'm a fairly adept writer. And it worked... for a while. But now I'm probably going to give it up, as my writing really can't make a difference if the woman never sees what I wrote!

[Gaeta]

Bingo. Which is one of the pitfalls of OLD... and the fact that it's become so mainstream.

 

I was an early adopter, and was using the sites back in 2003-04, and that's how I met my second wife. There weren't millions of people online then.

 

Now, it's so mainstream. Which means there are so many choices. You are absolutely correct, that a Joe Blow can have a meaningful and rewarding relationship with someone potentially "out of his league," or the inverse can occur, if they get to meet, have some chemistry, etc. The sheer volume of Joe and Jane Blows on OLD sites, however, makes it virtually impossible for them to stand out from the crowd.

 

I'm crap at talking to women in bars. Just plain awful. So I did the OLD thing because I'm a fairly adept writer. And it worked... for a while. But now I'm probably going to give it up, as my writing really can't make a difference if the woman never sees what I wrote!

 

OR

 

When the average joe blow gets a date with a hot girl it inflates his head and then he starts thinking maybe he can get other hot girls!! Suddenly he gains in confidence and arrogance!!

 

That's what happened to the last average joe blow I dated. He dumped ME after 3 months!! How dare he! lol My daughter had nicknamed him the 'ugly guy'. I felt for him so he started thinking he was a somebody!

[normal person]

When I go out with a girl for the first time one of my favorite things to do is talk about OLD experiences, the messages we get from people, and why we respond or not. Looks are always peoples' first filter. It'd be so nice so say we don't judge books by their covers, but really that's why people put pictures up. Because you want to go out with someone you're attracted to. OP, you can't make people feel guilty about that just because they use a computer to do it rather than simply disregard someone in a bar. Would you go out with someone who didn't have a picture or whose pictures you didn't like?

 

 

A lot of people use it beause they want to widen their dating pool and/or see what else is out there within a larger radius than they'd normally get around to traveling with any regularity. I live in one of the largest cities in America, in both population and geography. There are entire segments of the population I would never otherwise have gotten to know because we traveled in different circles, or lived a few dozens miles away from my usual haunts.

 

Such a great post. A lot of people just use OLD to supplement their dating pool, not let it be the whole thing. I've met so many wonderful, successful, beautiful, accomplished women with amazing careers that I never would have met otherwise. If you don't limit online dating, you're limiting yourself to people you meet purely by coincidence, and that's just inefficient. Why not grow your dating pool exponentially?

 

Using OLD says very little about someone's desirability, IMO, especially when you're living in major metropolitan areas like New York, San Fransisco, etc.

 

People will laugh, alright. They'll laugh right up until they're sitting home on Saturday nights because they've drained their immediate dating pool....

 

So true again. I have a friend who's very good looking but for whatever reason has bad luck finding a guy. And she really wants one. She's so hesitant to resort to OLD dating because she thinks it seems unnatural and says that "There's got to be a better way." She's been single for years. Whatever she's been doing hasn't been working but she still wants to have a guy and her pride. It hasn't gotten her very far.

[gaius]

I'm a woman, who signed up briefly again, just to look around. The ONE message I received, was from someone asking for a picture (I had yet to upload one). I received positive results from the quick match, thanks to my profile, OKCupid told me I was "hot" - but nobody wrote to me - not one. So I didn't know who had "liked" me, and wasn't about to write to them, anyway, since they didn't feel the need to do more than hit a certain number of stars and move on.

 

Looks matter just as much to the men on there, as they do women. I had over 100 visits in twenty-four hours, but no messages, aside from that one. I'm sure that I do come off better in person - I have no idea how to "sell" myself online, and I'm not that pretty. It also seems like there are a lot of flakes on there - I've heard too many bad stories from great women, who should be having no problems, of the bad experiences they've had.

 

I know a few people who have successful relationships, thanks to OKCupid, so it can happen. I just don't see it happening for me.

If you had a picture up and they were clicking on your profile then they found you attractive. You just skip over the women you don't like. Did you have anything written down in the profile section?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

OR

 

When the average joe blow gets a date with a hot girl it inflates his head and then he starts thinking maybe he can get other hot girls!! Suddenly he gains in confidence and arrogance!!

 

You know, that sounds oddly similar to one of our beloved friends around here.

[HappyLove]

OR

 

When the average joe blow gets a date with a hot girl it inflates his head and then he starts thinking maybe he can get other hot girls!! Suddenly he gains in confidence and arrogance!!

 

That's what happened to the last average joe blow I dated. He dumped ME after 3 months!! How dare he! lol My daughter had nicknamed him the 'ugly guy'. I felt for him so he started thinking he was a somebody!

 

EXACTLY!

 

I love how everyone acts like the average and the below average guys are such prince charmings who no one will give a chance. I've had the same thing happen where I give a average or below average guy a chance and he's the one who dumped ME! They always come back though but who wants them? Guys get a big head too when they luck out OLDing. And average guys are A LOT of times much worse people than hot guys.

[Kid_Charlemange]

OP, you can't make people feel guilty about that just because they use a computer to do it rather than simply disregard someone in a bar.

 

Who said anything about making people feel guilty? I think the results were perfectly normal, and perfectly predictable.

 

Would you go out with someone who didn't have a picture

 

In the early days of eHarmony, you didn't see the photos until after several exchanges...

 

Such a great post. A lot of people just use OLD to supplement their dating pool, not let it be the whole thing. I've met so many wonderful, successful, beautiful, accomplished women with amazing careers that I never would have met otherwise. If you don't limit online dating, you're limiting yourself to people you meet purely by coincidence, and that's just inefficient. Why not grow your dating pool exponentially?

 

Exactly. That's why the comments about the only people using OLD are those who have to. I don't know anyone who has to. We choose to.

[Kid_Charlemange]

I've had the same thing happen where I give a average or below average guy a chance and he's the one who dumped ME!

 

For some reason, this doesn't shock me in the slightest...

[pteromom]

Of course looks matter when it comes to QUANTITY of responses. But that doesn't say anything about quality.

 

Joe may have gotten 18 responses due to his looks, but just a response doesn't mean much. If 16 of those ladies were only going off his photo and didn't even read about him, odds are they aren't going to be compatible.

 

Compare that to an average/below average guy who gets 2 responses from women who read his message and profile and connected with what he had to say... I'd say odds are much better that there will be a connection there.

 

It depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking to hook up with lots of women, sure... put up a studly photo, go for quantity, and keep flirtations going with as many people as possible even if their hobbies are kitten brushing and picking fingernails.

 

But if you are looking for a LTR, put enough work into your profile and message so that the woman receiving it gets a glimpse into who you are. Otherwise, you aren't going to meet that right woman.

 

I only speak for myself, but profile content was VERY important to me. If someone was so boring or lazy that he had nothing to say about himself, I certainly wasn't interested.

[DArtagnan2]

OR

 

When the average joe blow gets a date with a hot girl it inflates his head and then he starts thinking maybe he can get other hot girls!! Suddenly he gains in confidence and arrogance!!

 

That's what happened to the last average joe blow I dated. He dumped ME after 3 months!! How dare he! lol My daughter had nicknamed him the 'ugly guy'. I felt for him so he started thinking he was a somebody!

 

maybe for some, but not for all.

[DArtagnan2]

Bingo. Which is one of the pitfalls of OLD... and the fact that it's become so mainstream.

 

I was an early adopter, and was using the sites back in 2003-04, and that's how I met my second wife. There weren't millions of people online then.

 

Now, it's so mainstream. Which means there are so many choices. You are absolutely correct, that a Joe Blow can have a meaningful and rewarding relationship with someone potentially "out of his league," or the inverse can occur, if they get to meet, have some chemistry, etc. The sheer volume of Joe and Jane Blows on OLD sites, however, makes it virtually impossible for them to stand out from the crowd.

 

I'm crap at talking to women in bars. Just plain awful. So I did the OLD thing because I'm a fairly adept writer. And it worked... for a while. But now I'm probably going to give it up, as my writing really can't make a difference if the woman never sees what I wrote!

 

She will usually never read what you write until you two are already dating. Then what you write will be so adorable and loving and all that.

 

Online dating is mostly for those wanting something to do one night and that's it. I will agree that there are 1 in a 1000 that may be looking for something long term / serious and not just a hook up. Just like with me. Most guys are looking to put another notch in their Online Dating bed post. I am just not sure its worth going through a few thousand to maybe find one. I tried it after me and my ex split and felt that way years ago and then tried again just recently and feel the same.

 

and btw, I am not a bad looking guy. I get hits, but most want hookups.