magneet Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 Hi all I've been dating this girl for a bit longer than 2 months, we are getting along great and spend a lot of time together, whilst still doing what I need to do. We pride ourselves on good communication, and resolve indifference's in a mature way. She did have a couple of bad relationships where the partners cheated and what not. Currently she is unsure about her future plans about life as well, as she gets a lot of pressure from her family and she knows she has to make a decision on what to do. She is 25 and im 29, if that matters. My career is on good track and am doing well for myself. Bottom line, she talks a lot about her exes casually. She mentions them in pretty much every group conversation, casually. When she refers to a story, she would include the fact that it was with an ex. Or how she made food, and her ex liked it. We have spoken about it and she is aware that she talks too much about it. Her response was that they don't mean anything to her, but they were good friends and just people from her past. Now that I think about it, she mostly talks about her most recent ex. Another time when this topic came up, she said I must stop being insecure. However, this is getting more annoying to me and is starting to affect me. Originally I thought, well, whatever, it's fine. But as mentioned, the more it continues the more annoying it is. If it's a one-to-one conversation, or a topic regarding exes I completely agree that one should discuss them - but constantly bringing them up in small talk is getting a bit much for me. From my side I don't mention exes in casual conversation. What's your opinion on this? Am I overthinking this? and should I just go on as normal, please feel free to say that. If you would think that it is a bit over the top from her side, how do I get her to talk less like that? I am starting to feel jealous, and kind of wondering whether she is over her ex - even though they broke up a year ago. Which is not a nice feeling to have. They don't talk either, but she did mention that she was bitter after the breakup. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Regards M Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 (edited) To be honest I would have dumped her immediately for being told to stop being insecure. But that's just me and my own personal tastes. You have every right to feel, well... Anything. It's one heck of a character flaw to be so intolerant of people being human and having human emotions if it inconveniences oneself. So that's another monster entirely to deal with. The bottom line and you have every right to be annoyed despite what she says. Ask her to be objective. Tell her that unless what she has to say about her ex is relevant at this exact moment then you don't want to hear it. I'm sorry she had bad experiences when relationships are supposed to be something to enjoy. But it's in poor taste to drag her relationship graveyard through the mud. You don't need to hear it, any potential date wouldn't want to hear it, and she needs to accept that if she was talking with way with a brand new date then she'll never hear from him again. So her behavior shouldn't be acceptable now that you're in a relationship together. She could tell you something along the lines of, "Don't stand behind me. My controlling jerk of an ex used to do that." If that conversation is ever brought up then good for her, it is a relevant comment, and it could help you two get along better. The only time it is appropriate to talk about an ex is if she's trying to explain something in the present; Whether that's a preference, reason for reacting a certain way, I'm sure you understand what being objective means. Keep that in mind while asking her to stop talking about her ex for no apparent reason. She won't stop unless you ask her to stop. It's ultimately up to her to decide to behave in an appropriate way. Which I doubt will happen as she'll probably tell you to stop being so insecure, again. Edited June 13, 2014 by ThatMan 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 She has made it quite clear that she is not going to change her behaviour. So you have a choice, you can like it or you can lump it! She's shown that she is inconsiderate, uncompromising and unwilling to discuss issues. Not good long term relationship qualities. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 I believe her many unhealthy relationships have gotten to her. She's as ignorant to your feelings as her exes probably were to hers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 My ex did the same thing. It was not all of the, but she still brought them up enough to warrant a concern. Your GF telling you that you are insecure for something she is doing is a projection of blame. She is doing you wrong, and making you feel bad for it, then making you feel even worse by making it out to be your fault for everything. How does she expect you to react? Does she think you should be congratulating her? She needs to grow up and move on. The past is the past. When someone keeps their past around, physically, or mentally, they haven't moved on and is a sure way of screwing up the present and the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 I probably do this......because i am friends with my exes, i have never been pulled up on it though because guys i go out with , dont seem to say i do it...maybe i do ...if i did i would want to know and of course i would try my very hardest to make my partner happy, the main exes i would talk about would be he fathers of my chiildren and it would be hard for me to not talk about them because i have children and we arer united in bringing them up seperately as we are not together, i am open and honest wih partners and woudl discuss phone conversations i have had...and for some reason they dotn distrust me, in fact they see the good in the partners i have had regardless of bad times we have had....they see it in my kids who accept a date or a partner into their life because i do adn we are all pretty open people.........sometimes talks of past cant be avoided, but as far as i know i have never caused concern fro over speaking about partners.....mot guys find it really easy to trust me.....and i dont make a partner feel uncomfortable it just istn the way i would want a partner who was with me to feel, because i woudl feel it anyway...so i actually most fo the time know what to say to them that puts them at ease not the other way... i think its not really a good sign that she continues to want you to feel uncomfortable if you ask her to stop in a gentl emanner ...but firm...why should you feel uncomfortable in a realtionship that is meant to be loving and understanding.......no one should.....she is failing at doing what is right...for the both of you......deb Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it. I'd talk about it as you have done, and if it continued I'd get up and leave so that she could have the space to be alone with her memories. If it still continued, I'd end the relationship. A couple must be in the present for the relationship to survive. If not it means there are issues with past pains, or the connection isn't strong enough. You can help her with her past pains just by being with her. But 'I used to make dinner for my ex like this.' is BS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
teap0t Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) I wouldn't be happy if someone kept talking about their ex. Good or bad. Its unnecessary, she should be focussing on you. And thats coming from someone, me, who's gf of 3 years is still friends with her ex husband [and his 2nd wife], for the sake of their daughters, but the family meet regularly, on birthdays, xmas, everything, and I am there too and we are OK with each other. I'll not be close friendly with him, but we are OK. I don't have a problem with that, and she hardly if ever says anything about him at all. I hardly say anything about my ex wife either, because I don't want to !!!! Edited June 14, 2014 by teap0t 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 From my side I don't mention exes in casual conversation. What's your opinion on this? Am I overthinking this? Unless specifically asked, I've never discussed any of my exes with my current boyfriend. Ditto for him. and should I just go on as normal, please feel free to say that. If you would think that it is a bit over the top from her side, how do I get her to talk less like that? You've already discussed it a few times and been labelled insecure by her. That's disrespectful and lacks empathy in my book. List out and weigh your other options. Which of those choices makes most sense to you if the status quo is unacceptable? I am starting to feel jealous, and kind of wondering whether she is over her ex - even though they broke up a year ago. Which is not a nice feeling to have. They don't talk either, but she did mention that she was bitter after the breakup. I'm not at all surprised that it was a bad breakup. Since she's still bringing him up constantly in conversation, she's probably not over him, at least not yet. Link to post Share on other sites
jbelle6 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 The one person that ever told me to stop being insecure and jealous was the one person who cheated on me. You can take that for what it's worth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 The one person that ever told me to stop being insecure and jealous was the one person who cheated on me. You can take that for what it's worth. Yup, it's just a projection of blame. They know they are doing wrong, but trying to justify their actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Good grief. What is wrong with someone when they expect a new person they're dating to PRETEND they didn't have a life before and can't handle them talking about fun things they did or sad things or whatever? I find that absolutely ridiculous and either narcissistic or insecure in the extreme. A person gets to OWN their life, whatever it was. If you don't want to hear about it, then you probably are not capable of being in a real relationship with anyone. The whole point is to get to know someone. Now, of course, it's different if all the girl is doing is using you for a shoulder to cry on and saying over and over she's still wanting her ex and telling you she just still wants to get back with her ex, but that is not at all what this sounds like. Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) Good grief. What is wrong with someone when they expect a new person they're dating to PRETEND they didn't have a life before and can't handle them talking about fun things they did or sad things or whatever? I find that absolutely ridiculous and either narcissistic or insecure in the extreme. A person gets to OWN their life, whatever it was. If you don't want to hear about it, then you probably are not capable of being in a real relationship with anyone. The whole point is to get to know someone. Now, of course, it's different if all the girl is doing is using you for a shoulder to cry on and saying over and over she's still wanting her ex and telling you she just still wants to get back with her ex, but that is not at all what this sounds like. This was an excuse that my ex used, as if I was expecting her to not have a past. It has NOTHING to do with expecting your partner to not have a past. Everyone does. It has everything to do with RESPECT. The point is that the past should stay in the past. Do not bring the past into the present, otherwise, it's not longer the "PAST". If you want the present to work out, the past needs to stay there. The people that keep their past around are just asking for trouble. They aren't able to move on. They are selfish cake eaters, and the action of a cake eater would be what is narcissistic. Wanting to keep both their past and present around because they are the ones that are truly insecure, afraid to put all of their faith into their current partner. They cause a problem that makes their partner feel bad, then they project blame onto their partner and call them "insecure" or "jealous" when they would be just as "insecure" or "jealous" if the scenario were reversed. Edited June 14, 2014 by marcjb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 ^Well, what about you respecting her? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 ^ He didn't say she was still seeing her ex-boyfriends. She's just talking about things they did. Nothing wrong with that. That shouldn't be threatening. Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 ^Well, what about you respecting her? Someone is not respecting their partner if they don't want to constantly hear about their partner's ex's? Let me google that for you ^ He didn't say she was still seeing her ex-boyfriends. She's just talking about things they did. Nothing wrong with that. That shouldn't be threatening. There is something wrong if your partner's ex's are always on their mind. It's the same difference as an emotional and physical affair. Their mind is not where it should be. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Respecting her begins by acknowledging the importance she places in past experiences. Respect continues by making choices for yourself rather than blame, scold, or an attempt to make her behave differently. If magneet feels annoyed or uncomfortable by her behavior then he's the only one to take himself into consideration by doing something about it. That includes; Politely and tactfully tell her that unless what she has to say is relevant, then he doesn't want to hear it. Tell her that he doesn't wish to participate in listening to the stories that bring discomfort into his life, and that when she's ready to speak to him in a different manner, then he welcomes the opportunity to continue. To begrudgingly sit there and accept that he is somehow at fault for being human and having a human reaction is the act of disrespecting both himself and his girlfriend. They're a couple and I have to assume that it is because magneet is interested in who she is as a person. She is not her experiences. Her experiences are a part of her life, and they may play a large role in how she reacts to the world, but that's all. These are all lessons you can probably pick up in therapy, you know? I remember from earlier how you believed invalidation, (abuse by definition), is synonymous with kindness. Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Well I don't like the part where she seems unwilling to be even careful about mentioning her exes. But to be honest - I wonder why it bothers you so much? You even say yourself she mentions them casually. On the other hand, I understand how annoying it can sometimes be to have your SO constantly be 'blahblahbl my ex blahblahblah my ex' How frequent is this happening? Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I am starting to feel jealous, and kind of wondering whether she is over her ex - even though they broke up a year ago. Which is not a nice feeling to have. They don't talk either, but she did mention that she was bitter after the breakup. Red flags right there and there. You're welcome. Your gut isn't your worst enemy on average. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 ^ He didn't say she was still seeing her ex-boyfriends. She's just talking about things they did. Nothing wrong with that. That shouldn't be threatening. That she's not seeing him might not be a voluntary choice. She's "bitter" about the breakup. That suggests the breakup wasn't her idea. Given her druthers they might still be seeing each other, so I wouldn't hang my hat on that bolded statement. But focusing specifically on the OP's complaint, her constantly bringing up her ex...There's a major difference between: I make a mean lasagna. Everyone who tastes it, says it's to die for. -and- I'm making lasagna for us tonight. XYZ loved when I made him lasagna. It was his favorite dish. He'd come over on Fridays, and we'd make it together before watching a movie. Most people don't appreciate a running commentary about their partner's ex injected into their daily lives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbelle6 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 All of my exes, save one are lovely people, even the one that just dumped me is a great person. I still think it would be in poor taste to yammer on about them while I am on any future dates. In fact, yammering on about ANYONE my date doesn't know feels like poor etiquette to me, how boring. I have had conversations about exes where we are discussing our past mutually but to constantly bring them up in casual conversation is tacky. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbelle6 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 I suggest you start talking casually about how your ex used to do something you liked in the bedroom. Or the kitchen. Or the den. When your current girlfriend complains, tell her she shouldn't be insecure. I really hate when someone does something douchey and acts like you're at fault for being irritated by it. Jbelle, you need to stop making so much sense with your posts. I feel like a weirdo liking everything you say. Thank you! I enjoy yours as well! I read a post today where a girl was talking about the stuff you mention to the guy lol, that ACTUALLY happens. Link to post Share on other sites
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