Absolute disaster...

[CherryBlossom200]

I need some advice from everyone please…and please be kind because this is a really sensitive situation. Four months ago I met a guy online, our first date lasted 8 hours. We clicked immediately, everything from family values, personality..all the chemistry was there. The second date well until he announced he had a visa for Australia, it’s a visa which means he can live there. I said I would consider moving there in the future if we saw how the relationship went and he was pleased with that. So we continued the relationship.

 

It was perfect, he took me away for a weekend, literally was amazing the first month. We decided to see how the relationship would go and I didn’t put any pressure on him (he was due to go in June..now) anyway the more time we spent together the more I was starting to fall for him so I started panicking about him going. Whenever we discussed oz it became tricky but we overcame everything and carried on. We went on holiday to France in May, all his idea. We spent a week together and it was amazing. By this time I blurted out I was in love with him (about 2 months into the relationship) he said he wasn’t sure if he loved me yet but was really happy and wanted to continue with the relationship to see how it went. On holiday I saw a facebook post from a friend of his asking if he is still coming to oz, he said yep in August. I was so surprised as he said he was going to see how the relationship went and we would see how we felt come June. I was on my last days holiday with him and he didn’t once tell me he was thinking of going to oz in August. Anyway the journey home was awful, he cried the whole journey home. I didn’t cry once, I said the relationship couldn’t work if he was to go in August and to let me find someone in the UK. We decided to have a week of no contact to see what he wanted to do. Carry on with the relationship and delay going to oz or go in August.

 

We met a week later, I was so angry with him and he knew it. He cried and said he didn’t want to lose me and that he knows he now loves me. That he would fight to get my respect and trust back.The next few weeks were amazing, he told me he loved me and I genuinely believed it. He went all gooey and sweet. Then two weeks ago he came back from his dad’s 70’s in a very distant mood. He said he wanted to see what the visa officer would say about me going to oz with him. He seemed nervous and said he was worried the visa person would say what we didn’t want to hear. Anyway it was all great news, we were told we would have to live together for 12 months and then I could apply to go on a partner visa. We had a celebratory lunch and he seemed nervous but excited about living with me. He said he would come round in the evening to cook for me. Then in the evening he called me to say he had a massive panic attack in the swimming pool and that he was really upset . (Basically the guy almost had a break down two years ago due to lots of bad things happening at once. He had to see a psychologist and so now does meditation twice a day to help with anxiety. I have been nothing but support towards him regarding this) I offered to go to his place to look after him but he said he needed to deal with this on his own. He sent me some nice messages that evening saying thank you and that he loved me. Then the next day he called me at work and said he needed some space, I said he has had enough space. The past 4 months he has been up and down and I’ve had enough. He said he couldn’t handle the pressure of oz, me and working in a free lancing job. So he broke up with me. I was sad but I also felt relief as he was draining my energy. His final words to me was that when we went to the visa officer when he found out the news that I could go with him he should of felt over joyed but he didn’t and that was a sign to him about his feeling for me. Nice!

 

So I carried on with my life. That was last Tuesday. On Thursday I found out I was pregnant. We were stupid and didn’t use protection, I’ve never done this before and I really didn’t think I would end up pregnant within a month. I want the baby no doubt about that. I have no children and I’m 38 nearly 39 this could be my last chance. I’ve had long-term relationship which haven’t worked out, I’ve been searching for Mr Right but keep coming across idiots. When I told him he went crazy, told me to get rid of the baby that he didn’t want the baby that I’m crazy bla bla bla - he can imagine the rest of it. He was really angry and told me to f**k off and hung up the phone. He literally changed into a different person. He then deleted me off facebook straight away. I knew he wouldn’t be happy but I didn’t expect this.

 

He got in contact after the weekend sending me a long message, he was trying to be nice to get me on side. He said he felt ashamed at telling me he loved me when he didn’t mean it. That he felt pressurised into saying he loved me because he thought that’s what I needed to hear from him. That in the past he didn’t want to loose me as I had become such an important person in his life. But then proceeded to use emotional blackmail to get me to terminate the baby. His parents are both psychologists and the letter was most definitely not written by him. It was clinical and cold. All about him and how this would affect him. It told me how having an abortion wouldn’t affect my chances of conceiving again. Truly terrible. How I would be having this baby without his consent.

 

I replied and told him that I have made my final decision and that I will be keeping this baby. He then demanded to see me so I could do a pregnancy test together. It was awful. I saw him for 5 minutes and he behaved like I didn’t exist.

 

I know being a single mother will be hard, but I’m not waiting for Mr Right to come along and miss my chance of having a child. The child will have all the love it will ever need from me and my family. I have not put any pressure on him to be involved, that’s his choice. A bit about him, he is 38, attractive has no financial commitments. Lives in a flatshare with 5 other people. He surfs and just seems to avoid any level of responsibility. Though he bangs on all the time about how he wants kids, literally he loves them and all his friends say he is ready to have kids. Yet when faced with his dream, he doesn’t want it. Australia is more important to him. He has had 2 longish relationship with career girls who didn’t really want him, he said he didn’t love them. Seems a pattern forming here? I should have seen the red flags but I really wanted to believe he was different. He introduced me to his friends (they said he had never done that before and his brother and family) I am happy, excited and fill in control of my decision. But at the same time I can’t quite believe this guy has turned out this way. I don’t know if he will change his mind about wanting to be with us? Part of me feels it would be better for the child without him in our lives. Do men like him ever come round and commit? I feel he is the biggest commitment phobe I have ever met…

Edited June 13, 2014 by CherryBlossom200

[CherryBlossom200]

Amelia I did not trick him into having a child! He had sex with me knowing full well I wasn't on birth control. We both are just as responsible for this. There are lots of other things he said which I haven't mentioned in my post. Despite saying he wanted to use protection before we went on holiday he didn't use anything once! And when we got back together again he said we shouldn't use condoms as they are too expensive. I took this that he was happy to take the risk because he commited to me to stay in the UK and delay going to oz. There is a lot I haven't said on here. Believe me he is by no means an angel.

[Philosoraptor]

Regardless of intentions, it is what it is now. You're pregnant and intent on keeping the child. Right now you need to focus on that child growing inside of you and not on the man who has made it clear he wants nothing to do with the child.

[d0nnivain]

At 38, you are right this is probably your last chance to have a kid. If you want this baby, have the baby. Legally you may have rights to child support but that's it.

 

This man had a life plan which included moving to Australia. You came along fell in love & are now carrying his child. He never consciously wanted that & as a man has a lifetime to have kids so he's not under the same pressure.

 

I'm sorry that he broke your heart by chosing to relocate over stay & raise a family with you but that's not something he wanted. You can't make him stay. It's highly unlikely that he will ever come back. Whether you did or not, he feels trapped & tricked. He may never get over that.

[martaldn]

gezz she came here for help and support not for this crap sorry but you can express your opinion in a more nice way cant you?

 

OP your is a very sad story, he wasnt born yesterday he knew if he didnt use protection there would have been a chance of a pregnancy and now he is completely rejecting his responsibilities as father which give you a clear picture of the kind of man he really is.

 

as a woman of 35 nearly 36 years old if i got pregnant now i would keep the baby no matter what because probably this would be my last chance and I would raise the child with or without my partner.

 

are you from the Uk?

for single mothers they offers many benefits here and I really hope you will get all the supports from family/friends you deserve.

 

good luck

[Absinthe]

I'm afraid reading your story it doesn't seem like he was all that into you, but instead of being honest about it he lead you on BIG time. His anxiety attack after you decided to try living together in Australia is not a good sign either.

 

Seems like he has a lot of growing up to do. I can't stand people who don't know their own minds, so they play with other people's whilst they try and decide what to do. Now HE is angry at YOU because his flip-flopping backfired on him?

 

I would not hang around waiting for him to commit. I sense it will be futile. Stay in the UK where your family can support you, and you are entitled to help from the government.

[CarrieT]

OP, hate to say it but at 38 you honestly believed you "would end up pregnant within a month???" You must have realized on some level you could have gotten pregnant the very first time you had unprotected sex, right?

 

Regardless, I believe it is a waste to pine for a commitment from someone who -- as you have said -- has shown his true colors. He liked the play and the fun he was having (heck, still couch surfing at his age?), but is not ready for the family and all that you have thrown in his face.

 

Keep the child and raise the child, if you must and feel strongly enough about being a single Mom, but I would expect nothing from the sperm donor. You might want to investigate about child support, however. I'm thinking of a friend of mine who was also 38 when she got pregnant for the first time and has been raising the child alone for the past decade with no support from the child's father except for an occasional cheque and birthday card (when he remembers).

[regine_phalange]

Oh, girl, why weren't you careful?

 

"His final words to me was that when we went to the visa officer when he found out the news that I could go with him he should of felt over joyed but he didn’t and that was a sign to him about his feeling for me."

At least he was honest after the end.

 

"When I told him he went crazy, told me to get rid of the baby that he didn’t want the baby that I’m crazy bla bla bla - he can imagine the rest of it. He was really angry and told me to f**k off and hung up the phone. He literally changed into a different person. He then deleted me off facebook straight away. I knew he wouldn’t be happy but I didn’t expect this."

Wow, that was intense. Im sorry that he talked to you this way. He is supposed to have half the responsibility. This is not a way to solve problems.

 

"He said he felt ashamed at telling me he loved me when he didn’t mean it. That he felt pressurised into saying he loved me because he thought that’s what I needed to hear from him."

Oh my, this is messed up.

 

"Do men like him ever come round and commit? I feel he is the biggest commitment phobe I have ever met…"

Even if he does come around and "commits" are you going to believe him?

 

Since he doesn't want a baby, and you want a baby, raise the baby yourself with your family, and go NC with him. Even if he comes back and wants to share parental responsibility, my advice is not to take him back for a relationship. He doesn't seem like good news.

[Quiet Storm]

So two grown adults in their late 30s made a conscious decision to not use birth control because condoms were not in the budget (even though he takes you on French vacations)? And even though issues like the financial impact of condoms were taken into consideration, the possibility of a baby & it's fate were never discussed?

 

Regardless, you need to detach emotionally from him and focus on your baby. Your baby needs a stable and consistent environment. Wondering and worrying is just going to raise your stress level, and stress hormones aren't good for the baby.

 

I don't think he will come back, so just plan your life without him. Your life is about to change dramatically, so line up all the support you can. It's unfortunate that your baby will not have the invaluable love & guidance that comes from having an involved father. Your baby will be starting life at a disadvantage, so it's very important that you put a lot of thought & consideration into you & your baby's future.

[Keenly]

He won't be coming back. You need to think long and hard about how sure you feel about raising a kid all alone at almost 40.

 

 

Yea, you both got you pregnant, but from here on out, every single choice you make is on you, and life doesn't come with take-backs.

[No Limit]

Glad you've decided to keep the child.

 

And don't worry about being a single mother. My mom too was single - admittedly not directly, but I was still a toddler when she divorced - and made it. If your job/money income is secured, just make sure you have family that might be able to look out for him or her while you're at work.

 

And even if he might come for a few visits out of curiosity, I wouldn't advise you to let him take part actively in your family. Being a 2-headed-family is much better than one with 3 unstable members. You don't need another adult baby around, focus your energy on yourself.

 

And I'm glad you didn't fall for the nonsense written in the letter. This most likely is your last chance, and there are plenty of people who have at best trouble to have another child after abortion, many become infertile. Not to mention the destruction of a human life.

[CherryBlossom200]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I am going through a living hell right now. I have just sent the father a message telling him how hard it has been to make this decision and that I have no taken it lightly. I want him and his family to not think I trapped him. I didn't. I really, really thought he loved me. But it was all a lie. I was dupped in the worst possible way. And even though he admitted his fault. It was too late, I am pregnant now.

 

I have thought about having an abortion lots and I just can't go through with it. At just over 4 weeks it's still a brutal procedure and could totally wreck my changes of concieving again in the future. This would live with me forever.

 

I have my own property in London so financially secure (unlike the father) I will let out my property and move to the country to stay with my mother, father, sister, husband and child. It will be a wonderful, supportive environment for the child to grow up in. And when I'm ready I will move back to London.

 

This aspect I have thought of completley. Just emotionally this is very sad for me to go through as I feel so desperately sad that this has ended in such an awful way. If I could change the past I really would.

 

x

Edited June 13, 2014 by CherryBlossom200

[angel.eyes]

...he is 38, attractive has no financial commitments. Lives in a flatshare with 5 other people. He surfs and just seems to avoid any level of responsibility. Though he bangs on all the time about how he wants kids, literally he loves them and all his friends say he is ready to have kids. Yet when faced with his dream, he doesn’t want it. Australia is more important to him. He has had 2 longish relationship with career girls who didn’t really want him, he said he didn’t love them. Seems a pattern forming here? I should have seen the red flags but I really wanted to believe he was different. He introduced me to his friends (they said he had never done that before and his brother and family) I am happy, excited and fill in control of my decision. But at the same time I can’t quite believe this guy has turned out this way.

Sorry this happened to you. From your story, I think you felt pressured to find "the one" and get on with a relationship and starting a family quickly. As a result, you fast-forwarded at lightning speed through a progression that takes most couples a year or more. You were so laser-focused on the destination, that you unfortunately lost sight of the fact that the journey (i.e. getting to know the other person and assessing whether you are indeed compatible and a good fit) is just as critical. That was your downfall here, and why you turned a blind eye to red flags that he didn't share your relationship goals or want the same things.

 

Second, beginning to ask someone to make life-changing decisions two months into dating is pretty unreasonable. You barely knew anything about each other at that point, even if you spent most of your free time together. You were basically operating off a fantasy image you had of him and a shared life together. It takes time to get to know the "real" person. There are no shortcuts! Those are some of the lessons in this.

 

I can understand why he felt pressured and stressed, and why he felt a need to step back, and ultimately to step away altogether.

 

 

I don’t know if he will change his mind about wanting to be with us? Part of me feels it would be better for the child without him in our lives.

I doubt it. He really didn't want the pregnancy, and things ended badly.

 

Do men like him ever come round and commit? I feel he is the biggest commitment phobe I have ever met…

He's not necessarily a commitment phobe just because he doesn't want to hop into marriage or a lifetime arrangement with you three or four months after meeting you! Getting to know someone is an organic process. You're on warp speed to get to your goal. That's perfectly fine. Just understand that others not on your same timeline won't enjoy being railroaded to your choice of destination. The two of you are at different life stages right now with very different goals. You're looking for a life partner, to nest, and have an insta-family. He's looking for a girlfriend, to have fun, and to go explore the other side of the world. Someday, he'll probably want the wife and family, but his timeline is way more relaxed than yours right now. Another lesson out of this is to focus on looking for guys who truly want the same things you do on your more urgent timeline. They are out there!

 

Not an absolute disaster by the way...you have the wherewithal to raise your child without him. You have family and a support network. It's just a learning experience, and eventually you'll come to see your child as a wonderful blessing, if you don't already.

[2sunny]

You now know you should expect to raise the child on your own.

 

I'm just shaking my head - I guess it's part of what you wanted.

 

He seems to have dreams to live that don't involve you.

 

Focus on the best interest of your child long term.

[CherryBlossom200]

Thanks Angel Eyes, but the thing is he also did his own set of fast forwarding. He said if things worked out he would stay for a few years and wait until I could come with him. He said he was ready for children and talked about them way more then I did. He sent me photos of his friends kids. He spoke about what our children would even look like. He gave me no indication he didn't want this. He led me to believe this is what he wanted. But when it came to the crunch he couldn't go ahead with it. Due to pressure, commitment (seriously the guy has A LOT of issues which I haven't mentioned on here) I should have seen the red flags but I liked him so much I wanted it to work. Lots of lessons to be learnt I know, but sadly a bit too late!

[2sunny]

Future faking isn't a good enough reason to believe a man might play a good fatherly role.

[angel.eyes]

CherryBlossom, I'm not suggesting that he is blameless here, but you really have to learn to take responsibility for your choices instead of demonizing this guy. If you don't, you'll repeat your mistakes. Nothing about this guy's lifestyle or plans suggests he's even remotely ready to settle down and raise a family. That's before any of the issues that you allude to but haven't listed here. It's beyond irrelevant what sweet nothings and grand ideas came from his lips. Seriously! His actions and choices tell you he's focused on living a fun, carefree life right now and seeing the world. He needs a traveling companion and girlfriend, not a newborn that can't sleep through the night and will tie him down to London. Was he planning to cram a crib with a squalling infant in the middle of the sitting room with his five flatmates? Strap the baby to his back when he hit Bondi Beach? How exactly is he ready to have children?

 

Surely you don't believe everything every guy says to you, do you? This guy is no different. He should get the same careful assessment any other guy gets? The problem was you had your agenda and timeline and unfortunately bulldozed over many warning signs with this guy. Again, nothing wrong with either a plan or a timeline...as long as the other person is after the same things. Nothing about him says he was.

 

It's terrible that this was the outcome, but it's on you to make sure the guy is who he seems to be before, not after the fact. It's your life that is ultimately impacted. Not his. Heck, he's still off to surf in Australia. It's your romantic partner choices that will be limited moving forward. Not his. It's your dating life that goes on hold. It's your social life with your friends that's going to get crimped. Learn to take your time rather than rushing full steam ahead with someone you don't really know. You ultimately suffer the consequences of a poor decision.

[angel.eyes]

They are both responsible for what happened. If he can vacation in France, he can more than afford to buy a condom. Skimp elsewhere on expenses!

[Ninjainpajamas]

The guy is just a casanova/ladies man that actually got caught, and he's panicking because you stand to ruin EVERYTHING he stands for...which is going through life with no responsibility and commitments, banging women and pretending that he's completely into them because he plays according to what they're looking for...a LOT of guys do this, they know how to pull on the strings and I'm sure he delivered you a fantasy that you thought was too good to be true but too stupid to pass up.

 

Now that you're pregnant, which as a grown man he's perfectly aware of the fact that you could "trap" him, now he's throwing a fit because he actually might get nailed down and finally the pendulum is swinging in the other direction and stands to cut off his own head instead of him just breaking another woman's heart.

 

The guy isn't stupid, his game is very typical and it's clear it was all for show and the swooning of it...this was just another whirlwind romance that'll last for X amount of time and then he'd go on his way, finding some reason/excuse not to commit...so this wasn't going anywhere to begin with.

 

He wasn't real in the beginning, the guy you knew was a facade and an act...you are now seeing what he really is and what his true character really is, he knew the risks, you knew the risks but in the back of your mind you knew that you could get pregnant and if things continued to be "perfect" I'm sure you could've lived with having a baby just "suddenly"...you weren't on BC and you knew what the potential risks were, you weren't stupid, you were desperate.

 

Have the baby, and nail this guys balls to wall IMO. You both deserve each other, you just don't know it yet...but there will never be a happy homecoming, a dysfunctional relationship at best...IMO he'll bail and disappear, but nail his @ss and make this slick snake pay for his own stupid decisions and swooning, because I'm sure he's man enough to play the field, just not man enough to suffer the consequences of his actions...sounds like an immature selfish child as a grown man.

[Mascara]

20 years ago I was pregnant by a man who said almost exactly the same things, right down to hanging up on me when I told him. Like you, it was a relationship not a one night stand.

 

I did it all alone from that day forwards. I won't pretend it was easy, but most of the difficulties came from not being financially secure.

 

You are, and you're older than I was. At your age, I wouldn't hesitate. He made his choice when he chose not to use contraception, from here on you need to make the best decisions for you and your child. He can be as involved as he chooses to be, but be warned - my ex only made an appearance once my child was grown, and attempted to re-write history so he could have all the benefits of an adult child without any of the responsibility of raising him.

[CherryBlossom200]

I don't want a relationship with the man, I know that. He won't ever change and I'm hoping he will just go to oz and never come back. Which I think he will do.

 

I will have this baby, I'm under no illusion that will be an easy ride. I expect this to be the hardest time of my life.

 

Mascara, can't believe you have been through the same thing. I hope the father doesnt do the same thing and pop up one day. Do you regret having the child? I fear he/she will look like him, but I'm sure I will get over that! They will still be mine and loved more then anything x

[Mascara]

I don't regret it, I don't think you'll ever regret having a child (on the other hand you'd very likely regret NOT having one). I just wish it had happened at a better time in my life.

 

If your situation ends up like mine, your child could well end up looking the father up, because kids have this "white knight" fantasy about absent parents. And the absent parent plays up to it once the child is grown and the hard work is done. But people don't change much, and his true colours will come out even 20 years down the line.

 

Best thing to do throughout their childhood is to maintain indifference. Don't bad mouth him, but don't praise him either. Answer questions as honestly as possible, but be careful about saying stuff that the child will internalise and blame themselves for. This is the hard part. I longed to just say what a selfish idiot he was (I never wanted money from him, I just asked him to be a part of my child's life, but if you tell the child that it can affect their self esteem... so you have to make him look like not too bad a guy). Then, when they grow up and make contact, say nothing. Allow it, without the hurt you might feel. If they have a good relationship then, you may have to grit your teeth and remember you're doing it for the child, not him. Or, as in my case, it will fizzle out and they'll get to see for themselves what a fool he is.