still_an_Angel Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 There's another thread running that made me think of this scenario. If your AP has an emergency, say he/she got involved in an accident, or got hospitalized, and has no access to a phone or computer (in coma, broken bones, head injury, etc) how are you, as the OW/OM supposed to get this info? Is there anyone who will contact you or someone you can call? What if its sudden death? Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 MM has always contacted me when he had an emergency including both times he ended up in the hospital with emergencies. I have no idea on sudden death. We've discussed it before and he said he was sure I'd see about it on facebook. What a way to find out, huh? He has recently told another friend about me, though so I may ask him in the near future if he could arrange something with him in that regard. Link to post Share on other sites
daisydook Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 My heart sunk reading that. I was betrayed by my ex-fiance... fortunately, his OW wasn't a bad girl. She was actually quite decent, most honestly. I would have been the one to be called. I would have called his family, his friends, communicate with his boss, I would be the one making these calls and decisions and plans. I had NO idea about this OW and would probably never call her anyway, even if I had. She would never know a thing. She wasn't a mutual friend of anyone. She wasn't on Facebook. She knew nothing of our lives and knew no one in it. My heart sunk thinking something would happen to someone and the person they are with dies and they are never told. As upset as I was, I wasn't going to stand in the way of love and I certainly don't want anyone dictating who I love... He did the ****tiest of ****ty things. She didn't even know of me and I would have felt bad had something happened and she suffered never knowing. She was a good girl, who cared a lot about him too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted June 13, 2014 Share Posted June 13, 2014 My husband's OW would not have had a way to find out. She had never met any family or his friends and had no numbers for anyone other than my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 We had plans in place very early on. He had an envelope that he gave his secretary that she was to open and follow instructions inside if anything happened to him.He also had a friend who he trusted and asked him to let me know if anything happened to him. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Interestingly, I did talk to my xMM about this even though we were together for a short stint. Facebook was the only think we could think of. He did find my concern a bit silly, but he was an A&@. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 There's another thread running that made me think of this scenario. If your AP has an emergency, say he/she got involved in an accident, or got hospitalized, and has no access to a phone or computer (in coma, broken bones, head injury, etc) how are you, as the OW/OM supposed to get this info? Is there anyone who will contact you or someone you can call? What if its sudden death? During the A, he changed his "next of kin" info at work and elsewhere to reflect my contact details (previously it had been his parents). Link to post Share on other sites
Author still_an_Angel Posted June 14, 2014 Author Share Posted June 14, 2014 My heart sunk reading that. I was betrayed by my ex-fiance... fortunately, his OW wasn't a bad girl. She was actually quite decent, most honestly. I would have been the one to be called. I would have called his family, his friends, communicate with his boss, I would be the one making these calls and decisions and plans. I had NO idea about this OW and would probably never call her anyway, even if I had. She would never know a thing. She wasn't a mutual friend of anyone. She wasn't on Facebook. She knew nothing of our lives and knew no one in it. My heart sunk thinking something would happen to someone and the person they are with dies and they are never told. As upset as I was, I wasn't going to stand in the way of love and I certainly don't want anyone dictating who I love... He did the ****tiest of ****ty things. She didn't even know of me and I would have felt bad had something happened and she suffered never knowing. She was a good girl, who cared a lot about him too. You have a generous heart Daisy, thank you for understanding my position, other BS would have barbequed me over live wires for asking. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author still_an_Angel Posted June 14, 2014 Author Share Posted June 14, 2014 We had plans in place very early on. He had an envelope that he gave his secretary that she was to open and follow instructions inside if anything happened to him.He also had a friend who he trusted and asked him to let me know if anything happened to him. This is brilliant! Thank you. MM is really good in keeping in touch when he's out of town, but the last time he went overseas I didn't stop fretting till he got back home. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 There's another thread running that made me think of this scenario. If your AP has an emergency, say he/she got involved in an accident, or got hospitalized, and has no access to a phone or computer (in coma, broken bones, head injury, etc) how are you, as the OW/OM supposed to get this info? Is there anyone who will contact you or someone you can call? What if its sudden death? We had mutual friends. Plus I guess I'm in a different category because our relationship was not secret. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 This drives me crazy because my MM has a very high risk of death and I won't know because I am a secret and hidden from the rest of his world. Facebook stalking would be the only way for me to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 If my MM died, his wife or boss would tell me. Injuries, not so much. One time he injured his hand and I didn't get to know until 3 days after it happened :-/ I should have taken the opportunity right then to get a plan in place in case injuries happen again. This thread has prompted me to do so now. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 The healthy solution is not to have a disaster recovery plan in place, the heathy solution is to end the affair. I don't know what is so complicated or evil about that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy's sister Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 we have plans , i have a trusted friend who has APs phone number and he has given instructions to a trusted friend to, in a ' please dont ask me why but just open this letter if I am in an accident' type way. The poster ...Ladydrib...who commented that they found it hard to undersatnd why someone having an affair would care about hteir affair partner being ill or injured or killed...oh for goodness sake are you that hard that you cannot understand that right or wrong many people, men and women in affairs love each other deeply and even if it isnt love have feelings and of course they would want to know. We maybe having affairs it doesnt mean we are all hearted, cold individuals I have never felt I needed to citicise someone elses post before but your attitude sucks . Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I think this fear is very common in A's. It did actually happen once where he was seriously hospitalized for several days. I was there - his wife wasn't as they were separated at the time and she was dating someone else too. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 we have plans , i have a trusted friend who has APs phone number and he has given instructions to a trusted friend to, in a ' please dont ask me why but just open this letter if I am in an accident' type way. The poster ...Ladydrib...who commented that they found it hard to undersatnd why someone having an affair would care about hteir affair partner being ill or injured or killed...oh for goodness sake are you that hard that you cannot understand that right or wrong many people, men and women in affairs love each other deeply and even if it isnt love have feelings and of course they would want to know. We maybe having affairs it doesnt mean we are all hearted, cold individuals I have never felt I needed to citicise someone elses post before but your attitude sucks . It's unfortunate that you all are completely missing my point. Of course it would hurt terribly to be in love with a man and not be able to be there for them if something happened to them. I do NOT find that hard to understand. I have struggled with that concern myself. This is NOT about right and wrong. It's about accepting that's just yet another toxic element of an affair and yet another reason to get out. I can't understand how you all are completely missing my point. Perhaps because I didn't sugar coat it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Please read the thread starters original post and post about the topic please, thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 It's unfortunate that you all are completely missing my point. Of course it would hurt terribly to be in love with a man and not be able to be there for them if something happened to them. I do NOT find that hard to understand. I have struggled with that concern myself. This is NOT about right and wrong. It's about accepting that's just yet another toxic element of an affair and yet another reason to get out. I can't understand how you all are completely missing my point. Perhaps because I didn't sugar coat it. Exactly. Wondering what an emergency situation would be like for the AP should be just another reminder of how unhealthy affairs are. It's just so twisted. Noone should have to go through that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Of course I don't wish death on anyone. That's a ridiculous conclusion. However if someone happened to die who was lying and cheating, then the cheating would end. Hence "good riddance". It's rather ridiculous to care about what happens to someone when they're not even openly a part of your life. I've been there, I'm not speaking from judgment, I'm speaking from experience. If you want to care about someone's well being, and have a role in their life should something happen to their health, then you should have a relationship with someone who you can be open with. Otherwise, deal with it. By no means does that perspective say that I wish APs to die. I've known of many people (men, women, children) whose lives I wasn't involved in openly or secretly whom, when they died, I did care about and it affected me. Losing a life is a profound event, imo, that usually affects most people whose lives have touched that of the deceased, often even briefly. That being the case, I understand why OP would be concerned enough to start a thread about the possibility of not knowing of the loss of a loved one. Life is a journey and some folks, myself included, begin it making poor choices or at some point find ourselves making poor choices, yet along the way we decide to change course. It would be my hope that those making poor choices (which includes many various types of destructive behaviors, not just cheating and maybe not even cheating) would live long enough to learn to make good choices before they die and in so doing finish well. I'm very thankful to have had years added to my own life so that I could grow into better behavior and also more compassion for others, though I know I still have much to learn. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Very well said, speakingofwhich. I too understand the feelings of OP and why she is concerned about this topic. Caring about people who are in our lives or who have been in our lives is what makes us human - compassionate, loving people. Even though my A is over and was very hurtful, I can understand - and remember - that fear. OP, it is a very good topic and one that many people are concerned with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) Thinking through the options, there aren't many good ones in a secret A unless the WS has a trusted friend who knows how to reach the OW and is willing to pass on the message. It does give one pause to reflect on how a secret A leads to the agonizing situation where your loved one will die while apart from you and you may not even be informed. In fact, in many cases it would be hard to distinguish a hardcore NC from death. It is unlikely the last words would be for you and even if so, no one is likely to be able to pass them on. Edited June 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) In an extreme situation in a secret A, obituaries and even death certificates are accessible online, so if the AP suddenly completely stopped contact, that would be one way of learning what happened (or didn't happen). Another way, in terms of setting it up beforehand, is to have an attorney keep a "in the event of my death" envelope with the will with instructions that contact be made by the attorney in that situation. Edited June 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
LaylaSings Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) I am probably one of the first people to be contacted in case of family or personal emergency .. I feel relieved knowing this but doesn't make me feel good right now.. Edited June 14, 2014 by LaylaSings Typos on my phone aaaall over Link to post Share on other sites
daisydook Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 You have a generous heart Daisy, thank you for understanding my position, other BS would have barbequed me over live wires for asking. We are all human, Sweets. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mycatsnuggles Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I had a friend die from an accident while in the midst of a secret affair. I did not know the partners last name and could not conceive of a logical reason for me to get the persons phone. Through recollection of our discussions I was able to figure our where the AP worked and speak to them. Every strange person who I didn't know attending the funeral I wondered if they could be the one. I never met the AP and only had the one brief discussion with. I am sure they were in shock. I worried about this and gave my AP a good friends phone number. For him I knew I could find out. Still a frightening thought. A big concern of mine at the time was the AP calling the phone and the spouse finding out that way. As far as I know the spouse never knew. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts