dealing with guilt

[endura]

My fiancee and I got engaged in December of 2002. I"m divorced, she's never been married and we're both in our mid 30's. She was a bar fly / party type through her 20's and seemed to have moved past that.

 

Things got interesting after the engagement. She wanted to move in with me into my home and I agreed. She began tossing her cigarette butts all over my yard , I told her to stop, It did'nt. I cleaned the yard that spring and it looked like a carival. I put the cig butts in the drink holder of her car. When she found them, she blew,, calling the wedding off, telling me that "I" blew my chance with her. I took the ring back and thought I didn't want this anyways.

We later patched it up and went ahead with plans.

 

About 1 month later she told me she was going to set a friend up on a blind date and was going out. I didn't see her until the next morning. ( I was paying all the bills at this time).

The red flags were going off concerning the wedding and I was sure I wasn't ready to get married to her at this time.

 

The next week she found a lump in her breast, it was cancer. I didn't want her to have to deal with any extra stress so just put the relationship probs on hold while she went through treatment (chemo). During the cancer treatment, we became closer than ever, and in a wierd way it seemed to patch up alot of the questions between us.

 

She was diagnosed to be in remission around christmas of 2003 and we both wanted to go ahead with wedding plans. I wanted to explain my concerns with the probs before the illness and that if she felt the need to party all night without explanation ( i never did know where she was) that I couldn't marry her. Around late february of 2004 after I had been out of town on business for 2 days when I came home she informed me that an old male friend was in town and that they were hooking up for drinks. I didn't object, but wasn't doing summersaults about it either. She went out, I did't see her until the next morning. No explanation this time either. We had begun construction on a new home and had begun to make wedding preps. What a mess. I think I knew then that I did't want to marry her at this time but the thought of splitting up in light of her illness was hard. The external pressure from friends, family, ect toward me was simply heavy to say the least. I had a hard time expressing my frustrations because of the overwhelming concern from everyone concering her disease. But couldn't help but feeling used either.

 

We have stayed together, havn't got married and I havn't been able to get myself to feel comfortable about getting married . We've become basically roomates (we don't even sleep in the same bedroom). Her cancer returned and spread to her brain, and thankfully with radiaton she's in remission presently, but the outlook is uncertain. She's currently not working, and at home daily and experiencing depression.

 

I've been unable to dig up the emotions I thought I could since the last all nighter. She complains about lack of romance when there's none there. I have suggested not living together and she falls apart. I can't bring myself to force a split in light of everything. I care about her but the stress and tension is taking it's toll. When people continually ask why we're not married I just say we're working things out. But we've been working things out for almost 2 years. My hearts not there right now and if I tell my story to other who know us, I feel like I'm degrading the character of someone with a terminal illness and I can't do that.

 

The lack of passion stings, but the sense of guilt and obligation is getting to be alot to handle.

We've been to a therapist and were told we were a bad match. Any ideas?? I've felt more like her father that her partner since before the disease and it's a challenge.

[kypepeo]

You have to tell her. It doesn't mean that you won't be there for her anymore, just let her know that you are there to support her but not as her boyfriend. If you don't, you'll end up resenting her and that wil make things much much worse. Find a friend of her's who can support her as well so that you don't bear all the pressure by yourself. Don't allow outsiders to decide for you what you should do because you are the one who has to live in this situation not them. It's your bed, you are the one to lie in it. Something's got to give at this point. Make sure it's not you.

[No Foolin]

Brother, let me ask you something: If this cancer wasn't around would you stay? Sounds like your girl is getting her freak on......I know you don't want to hear it, but I have seen it multiple times. If there is one thing I am experienced in regarding relationships, its difficult girls. You could be a knight among men and she will still troll. Good thing to know is: it's got nothing to do with you. Killer is, there is nothing you can do to change her. Some poeple are just built that way. Something upstairs is just missing and there is nothing you can do about it, NOTHING. You can't save her, nobody can.

 

You need to roll out or (if you haven't already) you will be jadded for life. If she is stepping out on you, then she does not think enough of you for you to hang on. You really don't need an answer from her if she is or not. Magic 8 ball says she is + you really don't want to know. Regardless if she has cancer, AIDS, MS or a hang nail, you deserve the respect that you show her. You didn't make her catch a case of cancer; ergo ("thus" in latin), IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

 

We all feel obligated to those we have feelings for, but that isn't enough. We want to take care of them at our own expense, because they have some type of hook on us: look a certain way, talk a certain way, take care of you sexually a certain way. Dangerious girls are exciting, but low satisfaction on the long hall. From observation brother, every dude that I know that has married these type of girls has had their relationship end badly.....very badly. Killer is, it will be viewed as your fault, fact.

 

Roll out when you can, break contact for good and don't look back.

 

No Foolin