My married ex-girlfriend wants to contact me after 6 years.

[RyanLucas]

Hi,

Me and my ex-girlfriend have been in a relationship for over 3 years. Then she broke up with me and soon after that she got married to someone else. Since then, I have not used my phone or facebook or had any social interactions with anyone whatsoever. The break-up really affected me. Its been almost 6 years since she has been married and she has a child now. But a few days back, she sent me an e-mail asking how am i and hows life. The best part is, she ended the sentence with a "remember me?". Its been almost 6 years. This might have been a friendly e-mail. I don't know. And i really don't know what to do about this. Its obvious that I love her. But I feel that replying her would be a big mistake. I am really confused. Its been a week since I got that mail and I am logging in every now and then to see if she's followed it up with another mail. But no. And I don't know if I should reply or not.

[Ordinaryday]

Hi,

Me and my ex-girlfriend have been in a relationship for over 3 years. Then she broke up with me and soon after that she got married to someone else. Since then, I have not used my phone or facebook or had any social interactions with anyone whatsoever. The break-up really affected me. Its been almost 6 years since she has been married and she has a child now. But a few days back, she sent me an e-mail asking how am i and hows life. The best part is, she ended the sentence with a "remember me?". Its been almost 6 years. This might have been a friendly e-mail. I don't know. And i really don't know what to do about this. Its obvious that I love her. But I feel that replying her would be a big mistake. I am really confused. Its been a week since I got that mail and I am logging in every now and then to see if she's followed it up with another mail. But no. And I don't know if I should reply or not.

 

if she is married then you should have nothing to do with her, nothing good will come of it! I would say you should do one of two things:

 

1) just ignore the email.

 

2) this option ONLY applies if she was really really nasty to you. Forward the email she sent you to her husband along with the message "please tell your wife not to contact me anymore, thank you". ONLY do that if she was a really really nasty piece of work though, because that is truly cruel and should only be done to someone who REALLY deserves it.

 

Whatever she wants, it can't be good (for you):

 

it is either:

 

1) she is feeling guilty about hurting you and wants her conscience eased so she is barging back into your life to ease her guilt and see that you are not mad at her. and as soon as she gets what she wants you will be ditched again, with old wounds reopened.

 

2) she is experiencing marital problems and wants a guy on the side to talk to. SHE WILL NEVER LEAVE HER HUSBAND FOR YOU, so it is NOT ADVISED to become the 'other guy', it WILL 100% end badly for you.

 

3) she wants some sort of favour from you. she is having relationship/financial/whatever problems and she believes you can solve them for her. so her contact is purely selfish, she wants you to come to her aid, fix her problems, and as soon as you do, trust me, she will ditch you like yesterdays newspaper! any problems she is having now are NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, they stopped being the moment she dumped you.

 

so really just IGNORE HER. unless she was REALLY NASTY to you, then do option two.

[RyanLucas]

Thank you so much for your comments. I completely agree with you. I have practically been living like a ghost since that break-up. So I am pretty sure that she wants to make sure that I have moved on, just so that she can feel better and not care about me anymore. And if I do tell her that I am fine, that would probably be the end of that conversation. I don't think she will reply and I am sure she wants nothing more to do with me. She really was nasty to me. Because I was very serious about her but she dumped me because I didn't have a strong financial background. She basically needed someone to hangout through her college years and when she started getting marriage proposals, she dumped me and married a rich guy. I loved her with all my heart and I really thought we were gonna end up together. We had no problems or issues throughout our relationship. Even after she broke up with me, I tried contacting her and apologizing even though I had no reason to apologize. But since the day she got married, I turned off my social life. Never saw her or tried contacting her since. She was and still is the one and only girl I've loved and had a serious relationship in my life. But I think I am gonna ignore this e-mail and let it go. Because even if she was nasty, I don't want to screw up her life. She has a baby daughter and that's all I can think about. That little girl needs a happy family. Whatever the reason may be, if I reply her, it is not going to make anything better. So I guess I will take your advice no.1 and ignore the mail !! Once again, thank you so much for your advice

[ahthepain]

You still love her after 6 years?

 

Do you think about her at all during the days even now?

[Neall]

I think it's great that you've come and share the story with us. Don't ever be ashamed of yourself and the fact that you loved her. You lived as a ghost? No problem you lived how you wanted to live. But now? Get over it. Let her go. Make peace with yourself. Start chatting with someone. Get in bars with friends or use social websites to do it if you feel better that way. I will ask you one more thing . You feel well with yourself, you given that girl the love you had and she didn't right? She was a douche right? Ignore her than. If you want to say something to her tell us first. And I loved the way you cared with their daughter you really truly showed that you are a good person . Keep going and throw that ghost away I'm pretty sure that are people out there who would love to have your attention .

[RyanLucas]

I know its crazy but yeah. I still do. In fact I have been trying to move on. But the second I saw her mail, I completely lost it. I got all nervous for some strange reason. That's when I realized that time didn't help change nothing about the way I feel about her.

[RyanLucas]

Thank you so much neall. I am so glad I chose to share this with you guys. I feel so much better now. You're right. Its high time I get over this and start a new phase. And yes, I will try to ignore her. As of now I don't feel like telling her anything. But if I do, I will share it with you guys before I tell her. Its really nice of you to say such wonderful things. Thank you so much again

[lolablue17]

Of course the natural way to response is to tell you to IGNORE her mail.

 

But then i saw that you are a total social wreck in the past 6 years!?!

What I'm trying to say is if 6 years of NC did not help you, maybe it's time to change the music.maybe you should use it as a tool to get over her.

 

I know, i know it sounds foolish but then again - the "right" behavior didn't help. Maybe the wrong way does.

[organizedchaos]

Yeah, 6 years??? And you're still affected this much?

[Elle1975]

After 6 years I can understand nostalgia, but still being hung on the ex probably hides something else. Maybe it's time you seek professional help?

[No Limit]

Agreed. Have you ever been to individual counseling?

[bubbaganoosh]

So I am pretty sure that she wants to make sure that I have moved on, just so that she can feel better and not care about me anymore.

 

I hate to tell you this but she already has moved on and you haven't. It's time for you to get on with life and find someone who you could be happy with.

 

Six years is way too long for you to stay in limbo and it's time you start making your life with out her. She's gone and there is someone out there for you but you have to get out and find her. You can't do that if your still stuck in your shell. There's a big world out there to enjoy so start enjoying it.

[IHavNOclue]

Yeah don't even reply. She's using you to boost her ego. I'm sure the marriage is probably stale and she wants to feel like she still "has it." DO NOT forward it to her husband tho. We all have moments of weakness and selfishness. No reason to screw up her life or her child's life over a weak moment.

[FredJones80]

We all have moments of weakness and selfishness. No reason to screw up her life or her child's life over a weak moment.

 

Seems she is quite capable of doing that herself.

 

This seems like history is repeating itself, the OP said after she broke up she got married "soon after"

 

He doesn't state a time but to get married soon after shows she moves on when things get stale like someone else said - or tough even.

 

Looks like a case of never happy with what she has or not prepared to work at it.

 

**** her.

[RyanLucas]

Thank you all so much. And yes, I have indeed been socially inactive for 6 years now. And I have not consulted any professional help yet And I hope I would never have to get into that phase. I decided not to reply her and definitely not to forward this to her husband and screw up her life too. And she got married within 5 months since she broke up with me. In fact 2 weeks after the break up, she got engaged. Now for something I forgot to mention. Her family introduced this guy to her two months before she broke up with me and she had immediately decided that she was gonna marry him and all of this happened while she still pretended to love me. And this continued for another two months while she simultaneously had a relationship with both of us. I had no idea about this until the time they got married. She was speaking to both of us while she clearly wanted to break up with me and marry this guy but sadly she couldn't find any reasons to start a fight with me. So finally she got fed up and one night, she broke up with me for no apparent reason. And the things I've mentioned are just 10% of what happened. I even discontinued my studies and moved back to my hometown for her. I know its insanely stupid, but I was willing to do anything if it would make her happy. Getting in to all this makes me go nuts. I mean, I've lost far too much for her. And I guess I've taken far too long to heal. I better get back out there before it gets too comfortable. All you guys have my deepest respect and gratitude for taking some time off to help me through this. I will definitely take each and everyone of your advices and hopefully transform into a better self Thank you all so much

[Sugarkane]

If she's so over it, why she is contacting at all? A dumpee would get laughed at if they contacted, out if the blue, years later!!

I hate to tell you this but she already has moved on and you haven't. It's time for you to get on with life and find someone who you could be happy with.

 

Six years is way too long for you to stay in limbo and it's time you start making your life with out her. She's gone and there is someone out there for you but you have to get out and find her. You can't do that if your still stuck in your shell. There's a big world out there to enjoy so start enjoying it.

[lauri]

The sad thing about this entire situation is her husband probably doesn't even know you are being contacted by her. To me, loyalty is everything. I'm not going to jump to conclusions but my gut is telling me she is msging you for selfish reasons and will waste your time.

 

Now...6 years down the road you are still bothered and effected. You are the holder of the key to getting over her..you can't take her back now after everything that happened. She has a kid and I highly doubt she will leave her husband now.

 

So my question to you is this...do you enjoy holding on to someone who doesn't love you and only contacts you for their own personal gain? I honestly think deep down inside you dont. The girl you used to love is long gone...she is probably a complete stranger to you at this point. She probably looks, smells, talks and acts different then you remember.

 

I really hope you delete that email and never look back. Its time for you to showcase your amazing self and allow some awesome girl be by your side enhancing your life every step of the way.

[Sugarkane]

After having a Ahole ex do something similar, I'd be happy to say "after the way you treated me? F*** off".

[whichwayisup]

Since then, I have not used my phone or facebook or had any social interactions with anyone whatsoever. The break-up really affected me. Its been almost 6 years since she has been married and she has a child now.

 

She is married and has child. There is NO point in replying. In fact, what my suggestion is, change your email address and never use the one you have now ever again.

 

The break up affected you. You grieved and hopefully have moved on...But, hearing from her has set you back and you're already checking your email constantly to see if she will write you back even though you've not replied to her.

 

She hurt you and that's a fact. WHY on earth would you want her or ANY contact from her again?

 

Close the door, kill whatever curiosity you might have about her and go on with your life, don't look back.

 

If you open that door, you'll be wasting your precious time on someone who has her own family! And you'll be allowing her to hurt you all over again.

 

Get busy and focus on REAL and TRUE friends that you have in your life. Not someone who broke your heart.

 

The choice is yours. Either you go backwards and hurt again, bringing up old wounds or you suck it up and say F-U to her in your head and move on with your life, forget her and be happy.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much for your comments. I completely agree with you. I have practically been living like a ghost since that break-up. So I am pretty sure that she wants to make sure that I have moved on, just so that she can feel better and not care about me anymore. And if I do tell her that I am fine, that would probably be the end of that conversation. I don't think she will reply and I am sure she wants nothing more to do with me. She really was nasty to me. Because I was very serious about her but she dumped me because I didn't have a strong financial background. She basically needed someone to hangout through her college years and when she started getting marriage proposals, she dumped me and married a rich guy. I loved her with all my heart and I really thought we were gonna end up together. We had no problems or issues throughout our relationship. Even after she broke up with me, I tried contacting her and apologizing even though I had no reason to apologize. But since the day she got married, I turned off my social life. Never saw her or tried contacting her since. She was and still is the one and only girl I've loved and had a serious relationship in my life. But I think I am gonna ignore this e-mail and let it go. Because even if she was nasty, I don't want to screw up her life. She has a baby daughter and that's all I can think about. That little girl needs a happy family. Whatever the reason may be, if I reply her, it is not going to make anything better. So I guess I will take your advice no.1 and ignore the mail !! Once again, thank you so much for your advice

 

I am holding you to this. Thank you for hearing what people are saying and not giving in and caving. Be strong and know you're better off without her.

 

She has a whole life, one you're not part of anymore and haven't been in years.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much neall. I am so glad I chose to share this with you guys. I feel so much better now. You're right. Its high time I get over this and start a new phase. And yes, I will try to ignore her. As of now I don't feel like telling her anything. But if I do, I will share it with you guys before I tell her. Its really nice of you to say such wonderful things. Thank you so much again

 

There is no reason EVER to reply back and speak to her. I seriously and genuinely will kick your butt over the internet if you reach out to her. Don't "Try" to ignore her. Just do it. She cut you out of her life years ago.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all so much. And yes, I have indeed been socially inactive for 6 years now. And I have not consulted any professional help yet And I hope I would never have to get into that phase.

 

Counseling is always a good thing, especially when you find the right person to trust and open up to. I hope you consider it and get some help. 6 years is too much time wasted to be grieving over someone who chose to exit your life. You are at that phase. You need to get some coping skills and get over her completely.

 

6 years is a long time to put your life on hold for someone who doesn't love you anymore.

[Sugarkane]

I hope you find happiness and not with someone like this and only contacts you years after, when they are married! You deserve happiness too.

[RyanLucas]

Thank you so much. You're right. I mean, its not like we had a huge fight and went through a mutual break-up. After all, things were great for 3 years. She made a decision to choose money over love. So when her preferences (whether its money or anything material) started fading away or once she started getting used to it, she probably thought about what she's done and the things she missed. And that guilt could have led her to check in and see if i'd still reply her. I don't know. But whatever it may be, I can see that me replying her would lead to nothing good for either of us. All I can think about is her daughter. I hope she doesn't ruin her future and takes good care of her. I don't wanna reply and make it more complicated than it already is I really hope I find happiness too

[RyanLucas]

I know. I am pretty sure that her husband doesn't even know that I exist. There is no way she would have told him about me, considering the fact that she was simultaneously in a relationship with both of us for two months before she broke up with me. Loyalty is everything. I completely agree. And just to be clear, I still have feelings for her, but never in a million years have i thought about she leaving her husband and getting back together with me. No. I just can't get over her in the sense that I cannot imagine forgetting her and moving on with someone else. That's all. Even if she suggests to leave her husband and come live with me, I would definitely not do it. She f***ed up. But her daughter deserves a happy family and a happy life. I still love her but not with the hope that someday she will come back to me or that we will get back together. No. The memories of when we were together is what's haunting me. The girl i loved with all my heart died the day she broke my heart and left me for someone else. And I cannot seem to let her go. I still hang on to it not by choice. I have been trying really hard to let go of all this. And I really was getting better, until the day she sent me this e-mail and screwed it all up completely.

All of this aside, I am taking your advice now and I am gonna delete that e-mail id and start again. And I really hope to find that awesome girl someday soon Thank you so much.