Trust girlfriend but not her guy friends

[Throne Of Lies]

My girlfriend and I study the same, very male dominated field at A&M. She's brilliant and stunningly beautiful. All her friends are guys, single guys. That itself doesn't bother me.

 

The problem I have is that she routinely hangs out with them alone, one on one. Go to movies with them, go to eat with them, go out for a few drinks, stuff like that. She'll always tell me after the fact about it so I'm not suspicious of any cheating. Her attitude is clearly that I have nothing to be concerned about with these outings.

 

As I said, I'm not worried about infidelity, but I feel disrespected. It naturally makes me feel jealous that she is going into these situations with guys who would kill to be with her. I don't like all this extra frustration and anxiety. I feel like hanging out with single guys one on one two or three times a week when you have a boyfriend is disrespectful to the boyfriend. Am I crazy or out of touch in thinking that?

 

I'd be more comfortable I feel like if it was a group but I hate hearing her tell me about all the lunches and movies and drinks and whatever that she shared with single guys. How can I make her realize that has a negative effect on me without making her feel like I don't trust her?

[No Limit]

Tell her, she isn't capable of reading your mind.

It's understandable that you're feeling uncomfortable about this, most girls have girlfriends to hang out with, although it's also obvious that she has less opportunities to get those in a male-dominated place.

 

At the same time, refrain from telling her that she shouldn't go out with them. I think her response should/will be to hang out with you more often instead of them.

 

And yeah, since she is open to you about where she goes to and with whom, I think she's a world away from being a cheater or deserving to be suspected as such. Good 'catch' there.

[marcjb]

Never trust someone with just "friends" of the opposite sex. If they do not have any friends of the same sex, there is something wrong. I'm sure you've asked yourself how many of these "friends" she's been with before. I guarantee that she's been with at least a few of them.

[Throne Of Lies]

Thank you, I appreciate your advice.

 

I have a theory that jealousy is just misplaced affection, so when I feel jealous I text her something nice or write her a letter and put it in the mail. We aren't long distance but I think girls like getting stuff in the mail. Anyway that sort of jealousy safety valve works pretty well for me.

 

The problem with that being that since I get jealous pretty often I'm always doing or writing or making something for her and I think she gets overwhelmed, since obviously she can't match that. Then she gets stressed because she feels like she's falling behind in the relationship. I never keep score, because it makes me feel better to do nice things for her, but I can understand where she is coming from.

[Throne Of Lies]

Never trust someone with just "friends" of the opposite sex. If they do not have any friends of the same sex, there is something wrong. I'm sure you've asked yourself how many of these "friends" she's been with before. I guarantee that she's been with at least a few of them.

 

I'm grateful for your view, but I think I did not represent the situation clearly, based on your conclusion. Aside from her personality, which I feel would preclude anything like that, there are logistical hurdles that would also make it unlikely for that to have occurred. Also there isn't any prehistory of her in this group without our involvement. As soon as she appeared we started dating exclusively, within a couple weeks.

[giblesp]

Thing is, she should be aware of how its going to make you feel and use her judgment.

 

I have female friends, attractive ones. They are my friends because they know I'm in a relationship and wouldn't disrespect that in any way. They also know that I'm completely loyal to my girl, and I have much aversion if not disgust to cheating in any way. No flirting, no underlying sexual energies.

 

If I thought a friend felt more than just friendship, I wouldn't spend time with her as that isn't conducive to my relationship. Simple.

 

I don't know your girl maybe its just coincidence that her friends are male, maybe she likes the attention. I'd talk to her about it and help her to understand. If she cares, she'll listen.

[giblesp]

Thank you, I appreciate your advice.

 

I have a theory that jealousy is just misplaced affection, so when I feel jealous I text her something nice or write her a letter and put it in the mail. We aren't long distance but I think girls like getting stuff in the mail. Anyway that sort of jealousy safety valve works pretty well for me.

 

The problem with that being that since I get jealous pretty often I'm always doing or writing or making something for her and I think she gets overwhelmed, since obviously she can't match that. Then she gets stressed because she feels like she's falling behind in the relationship. I never keep score, because it makes me feel better to do nice things for her, but I can understand where she is coming from.

 

Don't go by theories, go by what you feel. Some jealousy is natural, excessive jealousy is insecurity. Its normal that you don't feel right about your GF spending time with men, who's intentions may not be just friends.

[somedude81]

All of her guy friends want to have sex with her. You know that. They know that.

 

Though odds are she doesn't know it.

 

Frankly it doesn't sound like a good situation and an "accident" could occur, especially when alcohol is involved.

[giblesp]

All of her guy friends want to have sex with her. You know that. They know that.

 

Though odds are she doesn't know it.

 

Frankly it doesn't sound like a good situation and an "accident" could occur, especially when alcohol is involved.

 

True. But is she's 'accident' prone then OP shouldn't be with her.

[Throne Of Lies]

You are all hitting close to what I'm thinking. I'm confident nothing has happened but it's a bad situation, and letting it go on just exposes us to more risk as a function of time. I'm fully aware these guys are probably, almost definitely attempting to demean me or undermine me, and that's a serious concern.

 

I want to make her realize that is what is happening, or what they are attempting. I want her to realize that for the health of our relationship she has to shun those situations and immediately shut down these people when they start trying to angle in. She's going and she doesn't realize that.

 

But I have to express that without seeming insecure or accusing her of doing anything willfully wrong. That's a fine line to tread. Any ideas?

[Throne Of Lies]

Interesting. Any ideas on how to approach the conversation?

[jbelle6]

All of her guy friends want to have sex with her. You know that. They know that.

 

Though odds are she doesn't know it.

 

Frankly it doesn't sound like a good situation and an "accident" could occur, especially when alcohol is involved.

 

 

Bingo, she should know it. I can't imagine what I'd have in common with most guys that they'd want to be my "friend".

 

I don't know OP, I don't date guys who only have female friends, and I am not friends with girls who say they mostly like to hang out with guys, they tend to like attention and cause drama. Just my experience though, I don't trust either of those situations.

[jbelle6]

I'm hanging with a girl like this (despite all of the advice from the last posts). We do not call each other boyfriend and girlfriend but our situation remains the same. Except that she is totally open about how she feels about the other guys since we are not official. She says things like "god he is so hot" and "I'm in love with him but I don't think I could ever date him". She says stuff about other guys genitals, etc. etc.

 

This is helping me learn how all women think. If you ask her outright and she tells you she's never fooled around with them/dated them then believe her. That does not mean it's not in the back of her mind and it is definitely in the back of the guys minds.

 

To me a movie with two members of the opposite sex is always a date. I don't think this behavior is fair if you two are official - and if you were married I would find this behavior adultery.

 

 

Excuse me? LOL, I don't talk about men's penises to anyone! And if they are "friends", how the hell she know about that?

Agree with you though, she knows what the guys are thinking, girls like this like that male attention, makes them feel good.

[todreaminblue]

You have every righ tto be concerned, as you have said she is brilliant and stunning and her male friends are probably insistent, yes you mightn't have anything to worry about with your gf cheating..but with the guys you do ......i am neither stunning or brilliant but guys find me appealing on compassionate basis alone.......and i have had my share of inappropriate non friendly behaviors to deal with still do on occassion , ho wi limit these is to nto go one on one i take a family member with me and i am actually single and fair game, and i dont do dates with guy friends when i am in a relationship adn they to me are dates when its one on one......

 

 

when single i dont do night time or movie dates with guys i am not romantically inclined towards......and yes they are often friends i am romantically inclined towards if i dotn want to take it further i dotn confuse them or myself with hopes of more....as i know no other way to build trust than befriend them so i might glimpse their true intentions before dating them, so i wont waste time mine or theirs still wont date male friends unless a discussion i shad frst to see where we are after getting to knwo them better........i am not going to say that i havent been harassed but these types of self serving friends normally fade out pretty quickly when they see part if me isnt a shrinking violet and wears army boots often..guy mates figure out pretty quickly where i stand on being an enemy to any relationship i am in as well....its a very short rope....they have to hang themselves with...........kindness isnt weakness....and as i said they fade out....your gf needs to respect your status and guys around her need to as well, it isnt fair or just or true to be any way otherwise..i have always had more male friends than female ones....that has balanced out over the last few yearsd because i found a strong group of woemn soldiers i conna=ect with quite well on many levels.....i have had problems in the past with women and me being friends i dont like spiteful behaviors but i defintely trasure special women and i do have female friends just very selectively.....deb

[d0nnivain]

A girl having guy friends & spending time with them is not disrespectful. A girl having guy friends & hanging out with them when her BF is uncomfortable with that is a problem.

 

Is it just the one on ones you are bothered by? Would you be more OK if she were in a group of guys?

 

I asked based on something my father did / said when I wanted to travel to Florida (on his dime) in college to see a Bowl game because my college was playing. Problem was I was going with 11 guys. My dad let me go saying that because it was a group, I was just the funny looking football fan who couldn't pee standing up but if I had told him I wanted to go with one guy he would have locked me in the closet. (he was kidding about that last part; my parents did not abuse me)

 

Do you know these guys? How would she react if you showed up while she was with them? If you have met them & they are respectful of your relationship (even knowing guys will be guys) try to find a way to be OK with this. As you said you are both in a male dominated field so it's not like there are going to be tons of women in the workplace for her to hang with when you graduate.

[Throne Of Lies]

Everyone thanks for your excellent advice. I eased into the topic with her today. She is brilliant in our field and in general, but also a recent immigrant (6 months) whose English is still improving. Plus sometimes I get distracted by her gorgeous accent and drop content

 

Basically she said what I thought was happening (hanging out with other guys one on one) was not. I was able to verify this, which I had not done before because I feel snooping is a slippery slope. She hangs out with one other guy one on one occasionally, but I know him well and he's not a rival either in capability or intent.

 

The lessons learned I take away from this are

1. Trust your partner. I was sure to keep that in front of the whole conversation. It turned out that it was a language issue and she only was hanging out with large groups so by approaching it from a point of trust she didn't feel insulted.

 

2. Never act on a negative emotion or criticize your partner. Persuasion is better than force and by pitching this in light of, hey I love you and I think this could hurt you instead of accusing her, I was able to set the boundary without starting a fight.

 

3. Thought is cheap, talk is expensive. I thought out exactly what I was going to say. Because I was already decided not to criticize her, I didn't even have to change much when it turned out nothing that I thought had been occurring. The plan I had before hand was strong enough that our relationship is stronger than ever, one threat proved nonexistent, and it's future development is going to be extremely unlikely.

 

Thanks again for all the help, everyone

[lolablue17]

Everyone thanks for your excellent advice. I eased into the topic with her today. She is brilliant in our field and in general, but also a recent immigrant (6 months) whose English is still improving. Plus sometimes I get distracted by her gorgeous accent and drop content

 

Basically she said what I thought was happening (hanging out with other guys one on one) was not. I was able to verify this, which I had not done before because I feel snooping is a slippery slope. She hangs out with one other guy one on one occasionally, but I know him well and he's not a rival either in capability or intent.

 

The lessons learned I take away from this are

1. Trust your partner. I was sure to keep that in front of the whole conversation. It turned out that it was a language issue and she only was hanging out with large groups so by approaching it from a point of trust she didn't feel insulted.

 

2. Never act on a negative emotion or criticize your partner. Persuasion is better than force and by pitching this in light of, hey I love you and I think this could hurt you instead of accusing her, I was able to set the boundary without starting a fight.

 

3. Thought is cheap, talk is expensive. I thought out exactly what I was going to say. Because I was already decided not to criticize her, I didn't even have to change much when it turned out nothing that I thought had been occurring. The plan I had before hand was strong enough that our relationship is stronger than ever, one threat proved nonexistent, and it's future development is going to be extremely unlikely.

 

Thanks again for all the help, everyone

 

Thank you - I'm gonna take your lesson into my life too

[marcjb]

Everyone thanks for your excellent advice. I eased into the topic with her today. She is brilliant in our field and in general, but also a recent immigrant (6 months) whose English is still improving. Plus sometimes I get distracted by her gorgeous accent and drop content

 

Basically she said what I thought was happening (hanging out with other guys one on one) was not. I was able to verify this, which I had not done before because I feel snooping is a slippery slope. She hangs out with one other guy one on one occasionally, but I know him well and he's not a rival either in capability or intent.

 

The lessons learned I take away from this are

1. Trust your partner. I was sure to keep that in front of the whole conversation. It turned out that it was a language issue and she only was hanging out with large groups so by approaching it from a point of trust she didn't feel insulted.

 

2. Never act on a negative emotion or criticize your partner. Persuasion is better than force and by pitching this in light of, hey I love you and I think this could hurt you instead of accusing her, I was able to set the boundary without starting a fight.

 

3. Thought is cheap, talk is expensive. I thought out exactly what I was going to say. Because I was already decided not to criticize her, I didn't even have to change much when it turned out nothing that I thought had been occurring. The plan I had before hand was strong enough that our relationship is stronger than ever, one threat proved nonexistent, and it's future development is going to be extremely unlikely.

 

Thanks again for all the help, everyone

I hope things work out, but something tells me you'll be visiting us again in a few months.

[georgecostanza]

Everyone thanks for your excellent advice. I eased into the topic with her today. She is brilliant in our field and in general, but also a recent immigrant (6 months) whose English is still improving. Plus sometimes I get distracted by her gorgeous accent and drop content

 

Basically she said what I thought was happening (hanging out with other guys one on one) was not. I was able to verify this, which I had not done before because I feel snooping is a slippery slope. She hangs out with one other guy one on one occasionally, but I know him well and he's not a rival either in capability or intent.

 

The lessons learned I take away from this are

1. Trust your partner. I was sure to keep that in front of the whole conversation. It turned out that it was a language issue and she only was hanging out with large groups so by approaching it from a point of trust she didn't feel insulted.

 

2. Never act on a negative emotion or criticize your partner. Persuasion is better than force and by pitching this in light of, hey I love you and I think this could hurt you instead of accusing her, I was able to set the boundary without starting a fight.

 

3. Thought is cheap, talk is expensive. I thought out exactly what I was going to say. Because I was already decided not to criticize her, I didn't even have to change much when it turned out nothing that I thought had been occurring. The plan I had before hand was strong enough that our relationship is stronger than ever, one threat proved nonexistent, and it's future development is going to be extremely unlikely.

 

Thanks again for all the help, everyone

 

OP, glad you resolved your issue. Just a couple of points:

 

- There is no such thing as "I trust her, but not her guy friends..." Unless they sexually assault her, that's not trusting her. It takes two to tango.

 

- If she is a recent immigrant she will definitely be looking to form strong friendships, by virtue of her being alone in a foreign country. Be aware that attacking these friendships could leave her alone and vunerable, and potentially cause resentment issues. You mentioned that your field is male dominated, so it's natural that guys are the people she has ended up hanging around with. But maybe if you'd like her to hang out with girls more often you could suggest joining a society or club together or something where she'd get to meet women.

[umirano]

Basically she said what I thought was happening (hanging out with other guys one on one) was not. I was able to verify this,

How did you verify what happened and what didn't?

 

which I had not done before because I feel snooping is a slippery slope.

How is it a slippery slope? It's a symptom of having doubt. If something is found everyone is happy that they snooped. Never have I heard someone saying, oh god, I wish I never found out my partner cheated.

 

She hangs out with one other guy one on one occasionally, but I know him well and he's not a rival either in capability or intent.

Has it occurred to you she could have admitted to hanging out with someone you don't fear, in order to satisfy your curiosity and safeguard her other encounters?

 

The lessons learned I take away from this are

1. Trust your partner. I was sure to keep that in front of the whole conversation. It turned out that it was a language issue and she only was hanging out with large groups so by approaching it from a point of trust she didn't feel insulted.

You have it backwards. Make people your partners if you can trust them. If it was a true misunderstanding you'd sound more enthusiastic IMO. My gut tells me you're relieved you didn't find anything obvious, which is great, but total confidence would look different. Also, your GF shouldn't be insulted if you utter obvious concerns in the situation you described. A defensive reaction usually is a sign that there's something up. Make sure you don't let these conversations become self-fulfilling prophecies when you keep repeating a mantra of trust to yourself and her against obvious signs.

 

2. Never act on a negative emotion or criticize your partner. Persuasion is better than force and by pitching this in light of, hey I love you and I think this could hurt you instead of accusing her, I was able to set the boundary without starting a fight.

I used to think like you. I have learned that you cannot persuade your partners into anything. Career choices, where to live, how to interact with family members (I had an ex who'd often fight with her close relatives). I gave arguments and I talked until my face was blue. If she doesn't know what to do she just doesn't. And with all the talking you cannot replace an actual experience that leads to a change in a persons life. And especially you can't talk someone into behaving a certain way towards you. They either respect you because they inherently want to or they don't (for various reasons).

 

3. Thought is cheap, talk is expensive. I thought out exactly what I was going to say. Because I was already decided not to criticize her, I didn't even have to change much when it turned out nothing that I thought had been occurring.

My POV is talk is cheap. And action is expensive. That's when people show how comfortable they are with a new arrangement, with compromising and actually doing something for your partner.

You know what the use of criticism is? It's pointing out flaws, inconsistencies in their arguments. It is reasonable to point out that spending hours doing more or less intimate things with people who they do not have a close personal RS with is undermining the RS that they claim to value most. If you roundly rule out criticism then there should be no inconsistencies between what she claims and what she does.

 

The plan I had before hand was strong enough that our relationship is stronger than ever, one threat proved nonexistent, and it's future development is going to be extremely unlikely.

I don't understand the first part of this sentence. Just having a plan doesn't change anything in reality. How can having a plan make a RS stronger?

What do you base the assessment of the likelihood of this threat to your RS on?