affair ten years ago?

[jjsk]

I found some OM personal contact info in my wife's notes. I've never even heard the name of a guy. I suspect she had an affair, but it would have been many years ago.

 

Is there some way to find out what happened between them, short of a lie detector test? She had not been truthful with me about a connection with a different person (she agreed it was an EA, but she didn't think it was wrong since they did not have sex). I want to know if this was a one time deal or she had multiple different close relationships during our marriage. There was a period in the late 90s and early 2000 when I traveled for work weekly, while she stayed home. It never occurred to me to check up on her but now I have doubts.

Edited June 14, 2014 by jjsk

[Bugz Bunny]

Polygraph test is your best option...if she is innocent and cares about you and the marriage she shouldn't be worried or offended about doing it...

[carhill]

Given the more current suspicions of another interaction outlined in this thread, I'd say some frank discussion in front of neutral third party would be a first step. You have a marriage issue to resolve and it'll take both of you to do it.

 

Someone suggested a polygraph in that thread and it appears it's gaining traction here but I'd suggest a less adversarial approach first. I didn't read the entirety of the other thread so don't know if you've had MC yet; if not, I'd recommend it. If so, have the results reinforced your suspicions or allayed them? Why?

[jjsk]

Given the more current suspicions of another interaction outlined in this thread, I'd say some frank discussion in front of neutral third party would be a first step. You have a marriage issue to resolve and it'll take both of you to do it.

 

Someone suggested a polygraph in that thread and it appears it's gaining traction here but I'd suggest a less adversarial approach first. I didn't read the entirety of the other thread so don't know if you've had MC yet; if not, I'd recommend it. If so, have the results reinforced your suspicions or allayed them? Why?

 

Yes we started going to a MC. Sometimes we go together and other times it's just an IC with me. MC said he will support me in bringing up the poly test, although he had never heard of polygraph being used in such cases. I guess it's not very common or he is not experienced. The strange thing is - the MC is over 70 yo and I thought he should have seen it all.

 

The first two meetings he seemed to side with my wife more. Saying she had reasons to be upset about our marriage but not necessarily doing the right thing by having a "friendship" I would not be comfortable with. He thinks there is hope to save the marriage since we both want to stay together and fix things.

 

I don't think I should bring up that I was still going through her stuff and found something more. She would definitely deny things and become even more defensive. I just know that the truth had not come out yet.

[carhill]

Watch for balance. A couple sessions is a warm-up and get-to-know. If both spouses have their separate moments of feeling the MC is 'ganging up on them', that's one sign of balance.

 

Remember, you can direct the MC process. Simply outline what issues you wish to work and task the MC to assist. One area to potentially address is what is appropriate and inappropriate marital behavior wrt outside parties.

 

I worked the issues from your spouse's side of the street, the one with the ostensibly inappropriate extra-marital contacts.

 

IMO, use the polygraph as a last resort as a professional polygrapher isn't inexpensive and their fee can pay for a lot of MC and one thing to consider is, if the polygraph returns adversarial content, what will your next steps be?

[drifter777]

Catching her once and now finding new evidence of another EA/PA kind of suggests this has happened at least a few times before now. You need to know if you are dealing with a serial cheater. If she is, trying to reconcile is likely a waste of time.

[dichotomy]

Unless she had the same email or something - even then I doubt you would find anything from that long ago.

 

Was possible OM married at the time? That is another avenue. You can run a background report on him for like 40 bucks.

 

But its so long ago to find a trail. Never confront without significant proof.

[jjsk]

Watch for balance. A couple sessions is a warm-up and get-to-know. If both spouses have their separate moments of feeling the MC is 'ganging up on them', that's one sign of balance.

 

Remember, you can direct the MC process. Simply outline what issues you wish to work and task the MC to assist. One area to potentially address is what is appropriate and inappropriate marital behavior wrt outside parties.

 

I worked the issues from your spouse's side of the street, the one with the ostensibly inappropriate extra-marital contacts.

 

IMO, use the polygraph as a last resort as a professional polygrapher isn't inexpensive and their fee can pay for a lot of MC and one thing to consider is, if the polygraph returns adversarial content, what will your next steps be?

 

Thanks, MC seems to be working with us and helping us. Yes I did feel like they 'ganged up' on me. We will see how it goes.

 

The cost of the poly is the least of my concerns at the moment. If she does not pass I would want to know what exactly she didn't tell me that made her fail.

 

Unless she had the same email or something - even then I doubt you would find anything from that long ago.

 

Was possible OM married at the time? That is another avenue. You can run a background report on him for like 40 bucks.

 

But its so long ago to find a trail. Never confront without significant proof.

 

She had a different email back then and a different phone, and a different job. To much time passed. From my own research OM had his first child only a few years ago so he could be recently married. Once again it's someone she worked with many years ago. (sigh).

 

What would a bg report show me and where can I get it from?

 

I could ask if she heard that OM got married and had a child and show her the pictures. And just watch the reaction. But I would look really dumb if this was a false alarm.

Edited June 14, 2014 by jjsk

[lolablue17]

What is your intention if you found out she did have an affair?

 

do you want to work on things with her WITH the new knowledge, or do you want to leave then?

[jjsk]

What is your intention if you found out she did have an affair?

 

do you want to work on things with her WITH the new knowledge, or do you want to leave then?

 

If I find that she had multiple affairs (ie a "serial cheater), looking perhaps for the right person to take my place it would probably be a deal breaker. If she had only one recent EA (I posted about it in another thread) I think I will be able to get over it after some time and we will have a good life together.

[harrybrown]

Have you asked her for a timeline of all her affairs, now that she knows about an EA?

 

Tell her how important honesty is you and your ability to trust.

 

Without trust in a marriage, there is no hope.

 

What is she doing for you know since she spent so much energy with her EA OM?

 

How would she feel if the roles were reversed?

[jjsk]

Have you asked her for a timeline of all her affairs, now that she knows about an EA?

 

Tell her how important honesty is you and your ability to trust.

 

Without trust in a marriage, there is no hope.

 

What is she doing for you know since she spent so much energy with her EA OM?

 

How would she feel if the roles were reversed?

 

She told me there were no affairs, she did not ever fall for anyone, and she did not have sex with anybody except me during the entire time we were married. So asking for the timeline of all prior affairs does not make sense since she had not admitted to have had any. She did not know the definition of an emotional affair and she does not equate it with adultery. As long as there was no sex, she thought any kind of friendship would be OK with me and I would not care. Well I guess this part is not completely true or she would not be hiding the EA

 

I told her many times that I need her to open up. I don;t think she is ready for it. I cannot guess what she is unable to get off her chest. It could be some issues from the childhood that she can't tell me about, or affairs, or some other skeletons in the closet. And I don't need to know all that. I might never be let in to some far and dark corners of her mind. But I want to know about the affairs and if I was the 'last resort' guy in her life.

 

She is going to MC with me, to IC by herself, she said she will read a book ("divorce busters" or something similar). She forwards the EA/OM emails to me, she offered to send him NC email.

 

If the roles were reversed she said she would be absolutely fine. She thinks I'm actually not seeing and talking to enough people (gender won't matter) and that I should get out more and have fun more. She is not a jealous person, never been one. That's why she is so surprised that I took her EA so seriously and that I'm hurt so much.

Edited June 15, 2014 by jjsk

[lolablue17]

If I find that she had multiple affairs (ie a "serial cheater), looking perhaps for the right person to take my place it would probably be a deal breaker. If she had only one recent EA (I posted about it in another thread) I think I will be able to get over it after some time and we will have a good life together.

 

1. how did you found out about the EA? Did you catch her or did she came herself ty tell you?

 

2. after D day, did you got trickled truth? or did she came clean immediately?

[Radu]

Is your wife a natural flirt ?

 

If yes, and this truly is ... meaningless to her, you have to make a decision if you want to remain in this relationship or just end it here.

[jjsk]

1. how did you found out about the EA? Did you catch her or did she came herself ty tell you?

 

2. after D day, did you got trickled truth? or did she came clean immediately?

 

I suspected something, found some evidence and confronted her. The truth did not come out easy and she only admitted doing things for which I had proof. No extra information was offered. She said I already know everything and I should stop digging for more and move on

[atreides]

I suspected something, found some evidence and confronted her. The truth did not come out easy and she only admitted doing things for which I had proof. No extra information was offered. She said I already know everything and I should stop digging for more and move on

 

I haven't posted on your thread, but i have followed 2 of your threads, this what you just wrote is a huge warning "red flag" to me.

 

and so the trickle truth begins

[2sunny]

If I find that she had multiple affairs (ie a "serial cheater), looking perhaps for the right person to take my place it would probably be a deal breaker. If she had only one recent EA (I posted about it in another thread) I think I will be able to get over it after some time and we will have a good life together.

 

"Probably a deal breaker" indicates you won't divorce her no matter how much she's cheated.

 

Since you won't leave her - what's the point in digging when you know she won't be honest and knowing you won't leave her.

 

If you really make a decision to take action - then have her take a polygraph.

 

Your wife keeps info from you - that's very unkind of her - and the only people I know that does it that way are liars and cheaters.

 

Did you expose to the OM's wife and all your family? She only gets motivated to change when you're planning to expose what she's been doing. That's blatant manipulation on her part.

 

Why would you continue rewarding her bad behavior by continuing to tell her you love her? I don't think you have a fraction of her truth yet. You may never get it without a polygraph.

Edited June 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alwayshere]

But how can you honestly believe 100% they are yours when she's been involved with multiple men throughout your relationship?

 

You don't know she has done this and neither does he. Testing his kids over an EA recently and the possibility of an EA ten years ago is ridiculous.

[harrybrown]

I suspected something, found some evidence and confronted her. The truth did not come out easy and she only admitted doing things for which I had proof. No extra information was offered. She said I already know everything and I should stop digging for more and move on

 

you will not get thru this by rug sweeping.

 

How would she feel if the roles were reversed? So has she gone NC and become transparent?

 

Has she offered to take a polygraph to help you with her cheating and deception?

[In Like Flynn]

Considering the timeframe and lack of damning evidence you may not ever get the answer! Only chance (other than Lie Detector)may only be by asking her "Do you know a Mr X??? And just focus on her eyes/reaction to the name and then trust your gut!!! Not very scientific but you might just get a suspicious reaction from her!! Maybe get her tipsy first then ask!!

[oldshirt]

I suspected something, found some evidence and confronted her.

 

 

 

can you elaborate a little more on what this evidence is and what has lead you to suspecting that inappropriate things have happened going back for a decade or more?

[firmness]

Do NOT ask for a lie detector test. I read an article recently (backed up by research) that the worst thing one can do is to try to stop someone from cheating. It can actually make things worse.

 

Sucky dilemma, no?

 

If it was 10 years ago, you are obsessing. I get that. It is not unreasonable. But you have to let that go. Ten years ago is too long to be holding onto something.

 

I suspect that the problem is not the past, but a gut instinct about right NOW that you just cannot put your finger on. Maybe she is dressing differently. Maybe she browses the web late at night when you are sleeping - or not around at all. Maybe she is a bit too secretive about passwords and cell phones, etc. Maybe she has a new hobby or a new bracelet, or is exercising more.

 

Any one of those things is completely innocuous, and if you were to bring one or two of them up would make you look insecure or ridiculous. But put them all together and you MIGHT have a problem.

 

Rather than go with the polygraph route, I would call a private detective who specializes in this sort of thing. If you do not, your suspicions will absolutely drive you mad. (I have seen this happen to others, and felt a bit of it myself - and the month long time for me was MORE than enough. I cannot imagine feeling this way all the time!).

 

They will tell you how to proceed. If she is a cheater and is being shady, then you will have to pay money to find out. But you will find out. And when you do, you have to be prepared to leave her.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would consider leaving her now. If I felt the way you seem to feel, I would hate that sort of relationship and would want out. There are too many other amazing women to be settled in with someone like this - however subtle the behaviors might be, this is no way to live.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

If the roles were reversed she said she would be absolutely fine.

 

That's because the roles weren't reversed. Honestly, if you did what she did, I promise you that it wouldn't sit well with her and she would be the one playing "Twenty Questions".

 

Look. If you have doubts and you feel your being stone walled then set up a polygraph test and let her know that the time is now and it's come to a head and it needs addressed one way or the other.

 

If she wants the marriage to work and has nothing to hide then she'll agree to the test and the matter can be put to rest.

 

Granted, you'll have egg on your face and she will be pissed if she passes but you can always counter with the fact that she had a EA and the idea of not knowing that it was wrong is baloney because she's a grown woman and knows better.

 

Right now all your doing is spinning your wheels and the hole is getting deeper so IMO, you can either find out once and for all or have this matter on your mind for the rest of your life. Your choice. Your life.

[lolablue17]

I suspected something, found some evidence and confronted her. The truth did not come out easy and she only admitted doing things for which I had proof. No extra information was offered. She said I already know everything and I should stop digging for more and move on

 

Ok! So apparently her word means NOTHING! She has proved that even after she gets caught, she has no hesitation to lie, to deceive, to play games, and especially - While her spouse feels so hurt she thinks only about herself in that matter.

 

After that conclusion, I simply say - what do you care what she says at all?

 

1. I you have strong evidence for reasonable suspicions about past cheatings - put an ultimatum - poly or D.

 

2. If you have only crumbs of speculations, just drop it and never mention it again. If you can't drop it - Go back to section 1 (poly or divorce)

[2sunny]

You don't know she has done this and neither does he. Testing his kids over an EA recently and the possibility of an EA ten years ago is ridiculous.

 

It's was based partly on his history when I went back and re read his other thread where he gave a clearer timeline and she has stated in the past that she never loved him and that she's shown attachment to other men through the years they were together.

 

He's been suspicious of her for years based on the way she participates. She's been unwilling to be honest with him.

 

OP - since she won't be honest and you haven't made a decision to change anything - I suppose this is as good as it's going to be.

 

Can you accept it the way it is and be happy just staying married like this?