DeluxeYou Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 I’ve known G for a few years and have been communicating with him for about a month now. He’s helped me solve a tough problem that was disturbing me. After a series of emails which lasted a few weeks, he suggested that we meet. We did had a great time together. My feelings for him have been budding ever since. In normal contexts, I'd love us to go out a few times and share more moments together and bring him slowly to realize that we belong together, but I'm afraid the current situation won't allow me to. Here's why: I was planning to go to a foreign country to pursue my education, and I’ve won a scholarship to do so. Important detail: I applied for the scholarship only because my current employers were forcing me to do so in order to retain my job. My studies would take 5 years (PhD). I also wanted some sort of excitement in my life. I got elated when I won the scholarship only because I was thrilled to travel. My heart was so dry because I’ve not dated for the past 4 solid years and I desperately wanted to meet someone cool to settle with. This guy has been kind and receptive to my attentions towards him and has returned them consistently. Now I’m stuck in a huge dilemma. Should I leave the one who might be the man of my life to go study abroad ? I’m ready to forgo my plans for further studies because I do not need them really, I’d only have to change jobs. I have 2 masters and can definitely get decent jobs around here. I’ve come to hate long distance relationships because they caused me so much heartache, twice in a row. I’ve decided to avoid them as much as possible the next time around. So before I make any step forward with my preparations towards my trip (August) I want to have a talk with him and let him know about my feelings. If he agrees to start something with me, I’ll take the decision to stay and invest myself in the relationship. Now to the problem: How do I TELL him I like him? When do I do it? He knows that I like him, for sure already, because I’ve been sending him signals, to which he’s been responding and sometimes, he takes the initiative as well. Please help me! Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 My two cents-- Basing your decision about whether or not to pursue further education on the chance that you may have a future with this guy is a mistake. First, you don't even know if he's really interested. You've known him for a few years & he hasn't pursued you, and in the month that you have been communicating with him, "sometimes" he initiates--but if he'd shown clear signs, you wouldn't be wondering. Secondly, even IF he is interested in a relationship, you have no idea that it will develop into a lifelong commitment. Heck, in six months you could be asking yourself "what did I ever see in that guy?" So what you're really asking is if you should abandon your plans for a fantasy. What about the possibility that you could meet the man of your dreams while you're away? Bottom line--if you don't care about the degree or the job, don't go, but don't base your decision on this guy. If you were IN a relationship, it would be a different story perhaps, but geeze, you've been "communicating" with him for a month & are already hoping that he's going to realize that you belong together? At this point, he hasn't even shown that he wants anything more than casual dating. Slow down. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Sounds like a really nice guy. Helpful, kind, and open are wonderful traits to find in a boyfriend. I can see why you like him so much and find him attractive. But these are character traits, not necessarily signs of interest. Why don't you mention one day when you're chatting together that, as you've gotten to know him, you've developed feelings for him. See how he responds. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 14, 2014 Share Posted June 14, 2014 Show him signs that you are interested, be warm, friendly and welcoming, but then leave it to him to take it further. If he doesn't, he's not that interested. I really believe a guy who is interested will make some effort forwards, no matter how shy he is. He will be too scared of missing the opportunity. However, if you are making most of the moves, taking the initiative, he will sit back and let you, thus setting off a pattern of you having to make more moves and, as a result, never knowing where you stand. Step back and let him take the initiative. You could mention the PhD to him and see what he says. Don't change your plans for him though. As others have said, you don't know whether he's interested enough for you to turn down what could be a fantastic opportunity. In the long term, even if you and he do get together, will you look back and think 'I wish I'd done that PhD'? Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 As I understood the OP, they've known each other for years and over the past month, she's given him lots of hints, signs, and encouragement. He hasn't done anything with it, like ask her out. Since he's not making a move, the only way she would get a definitive answer would be for her to broach the subject directly. Link to post Share on other sites
firmness Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 I walked away from significant amounts of money and opportunity for my ex-wife. Now I have no money and no marriage. Never EVER forego your life's dreams for romantic partner. Take it from someone who has made this mistake several times with the same woman at an EPIC level. Do not do it. Get your degree and have fun. If he is so awesome, he will be awesome when you get back. Your excitement about the future is making you want to share it with someone. Do not fall into that trap. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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