My love turning platonic after her affair

[pfft]

New here so I hope this is in the right spot. The only reason I am posting is because I have searched high and low for some info on this but haven't been able to find anything on this. I am desperate to find some advice/help. Here goes..

 

I have been married for 18+ years and my wife had an affair. We have 4 children and both of us were happy in our marriage. Unfortunately I had to be gone for 2 months and my wife was swayed by the complimentary attention of another man. It started off totally innocent way before I left but turned into an PA that lasted only one time and about 2 weeks. I was able to find out only because my wife was so guilt ridden she could not function. She was literally physically sick over what she did but also strangely attracted to a man that she knew would never be anything to her. She could be a textbook case for how affairs happen and end. I forgave her. I love her. Honestly I wouldnt have been able to forgive her if she had not been so sincere and thankful for a second chance. It took her a few weeks to leave the fog and she was honest about that. She told me anything and everything I wanted to know. I have watched her go from sad that she did this to completely destroyed that she did this to me and cries often when she sees me hurt. I saw her go from missing this man to having no emotions for the man to loathing this man for luring her in as he knew that he would destroy a beautiful family and didn't care for her enough to tell her to stop and go to her family. (she takes for responsibility for her actions but sees that he did everything just right to woo her in) The hysterical bonding was there and was very helpful but also gave her a sense of things were better then they were. She classically mistook HB for healing. She didnt realize that I probably had mind movie 150 times a day, always thought about the affair, had humiliating dreams every night that caused me to wake up in the middle of the night, and suffered triggers all the time. She knows now after we talked in detail and I can see how awful she feels about this. We continually talk and have great communication and she has gone to therapy and daily reaffirms her love to me and her thankfulness for a second chance and that my forgiveness of her has made her love for me be beyond what she ever thought she could have for another person. She tells me that loves me several times a day and goes out of her way to make her self available for whatever urge or craving I might have if you know what I mean. The eyes do not lie and I can tell that she is 100 percent committed to me and this relationship.

 

So you are probably wondering what my problem is huh? I mean if you take away the fact that she had an affair I could not ask for a better recovery. She honestly loves me intensely (I see it in her eyes) and wants to make my recovery as easy as possible. What is my problem?

 

I forgave her. I truly did. In action and word. I do not hurt her with words or hold back affection from her. I do not punish her. I tell her that I am committed to her (she worries that I will give up on us) and that she is a new creation in my eyes. I have prayed constantly for peace and God has given that to me. The dreams are much less vivid and humiliating. I can honestly say that there are hours that go by where I do not think about the affair. I actually went and did something for myself the other week (golf) whereas I havent felt like doing anything since D-day 4 months ago. Here is my problem in a nutshell. As my life gets better and better and things start to go back to a new normal (you can never go back completely) I feel sadder and sadder that this had to happen. The constant triggers (one dozy of one for sure that happens several times a week) and the constant reminder that things were so good before this event in our life (she will tell me that she was horribly messed up and depressed and since I was gone there was no safety net to stop this. If I had been home and not gone for a few months I wouldn't be in this situation) that I am finding myself losing physical attraction to her. She senses it too. Before this I was a hound dog and she loved the fact that I desired her so. Made her feel good. The HB was great and she felt a deep connection with during that time. I love my wife immensely. I really do. I enjoy her company and we do everything together just because we enjoy each other. I harbor no anger but I feel that my life now with her has this gray film over everything that I will never be able to remove. I am not depressed as I am function again at work and my personal friendships but I do not desire to do anything anymore. It is like my joy is gone. I was always the joker and always laughing but now I just smile and am subdued. My wife cries that she has ruined me and even though I tell her no I deep down fear that she has to some degree. My wife and children are everything to me. I am home alot (9-5 type job) and travel is limited most of the time except for one 30-40 day trip a year. I think that sense I have no more joy, constant little triggers (my wife can be one actually), and this haze over my whole life has caused me to lose a sexual appetite for her. Of course this causes her anxiety and me too as I dont want her to feel unloved but I am having to fake it now. I thought it was just a dip on this wild roller coaster of recovery but I am not coming out of the dip here. I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! If I could just get past this I know that my wife is waiting to start a new beautiful journey but I just cant. It is getting worse. I fear we are getting to the point that she will despair. If she knew how bad I was it would crush her. Her guilt is killing her. I hide my feeling so that she can heal too.

 

My question for the group is whether or not anyone has gone through this before. I feel that left to me our marriage would eventually become totally platonic and that would really hurt her. Ironically I was the default "moment starter" before and now she is. I want to want her. This is so foreign to me as I have desired this woman physically for many many years. I thing I want to note is that I still feel sexually aware (thus I do not think it is depression) as I still notice if a pretty girl walks by. I also love being with my wife physically once we get going. Any advise would be great. This is just so surreal. After I send this I am going to have lunch with her and we will have a nice time and talk like the best friends we are. It will be lovely and if I made a move on her she would feel so good. She knows that I love her but she knows/feels that my physical desire is a litmus test for the level. It isn't true, I love her more than ever, but I do think my love for her has changed. It makes understanding why I am losing this fight even more confusing and sad. I don't want to be the reason we drift apart. It makes me sad that I am here.

 

FYI for anyone thinking about having affair - dont - you will destroy yourself and everything you love.

 

Pfft

[tnimbus]

I may not be in the best position to speak to you, as I was the WP in 1 EA, and have never been in a PA, and if you wish to condemn me, I understand. Either way, I want to commend you for reaching out for help. It speaks to your love for your wife, and your willingness to try to move forward. Feelings can be...well..they can be hard to deal with, and as humans we want the "bad", uncomfortable feelings to just GO AWAY, NOW!!

The thing is, that doesn't work, the feelings have to be felt, acknowledged and allowed to pass, and they will pass. It just takes time. I don't know for sure, but from your post, it sounds like you guys are putting a lot of pressure on yourselves to make things "happy and shiny". Maybe letting some of the pressure go and feeling the sadness and letting it pass will help. Hope that helps in some way.

[pfft]

No condemnation here and thank you for your reply. I agree that maybe we are trying to hard to fast. I have thought of that before. We both agree that there will be a new normal, I am just hoping that this isnt it.

[velvette]

I saw her go from missing this man to having no emotions for the man to loathing this man for luring her in as he knew that he would destroy a beautiful family and didn't care for her enough to tell her to stop and go to her family. (she takes for responsibility for her actions but sees that he did everything just right to woo her in)

 

As my life gets better and better and things start to go back to a new normal (you can never go back completely) I feel sadder and sadder that this had to happen. The constant triggers (one dozy of one for sure that happens several times a week) and the constant reminder that things were so good before this event in our life (she will tell me that she was horribly messed up and depressed and since I was gone there was no safety net to stop this. If I had been home and not gone for a few months I wouldn't be in this situation) that I am finding myself losing physical attraction to her.

 

 

Pfft

 

The things I bolded said by your wife would make me so angry dishes would be flying her way. And yet, you don't seem angry at all unless your anger is all repressed under your sadness sapping all the joy from your life.

 

She makes herself sound like a child at the mercy of either you or her A partner instead of a grown woman who willingly chose to have an A. So, I disagree she is taking full responsibility for her actions. And, since she's not, you realize either consciously or not that should some future situation arise that calls for her to take responsibility to do the right thing.........well maybe she wont. Does she have a plan on how to keep herself from falling into an A with someone the next time you are gone and she feels depressed?

 

I don't think you are doing yourself, her or your M any favor by keeping your feelings to yourself in order to protect her from feeling uncomfortable.

 

As a woman, I cant say what makes a man feel the way you do. However, I know for many women sexual attraction is diminished if they don't feel emotionally safe in the relationship. I can imagine it could feel that way for some men as well. Maybe you just don't want to get that close because you are afraid she will hurt you again or she hasn't done/said what you need her to do or say to make you feel safe in the R again.

 

You didn't say how long it has been since you found out about her A.

 

But again, I am struck by how little anger you expressed in your lengthy post. Unexpressed/unresolved that may be creating resentment that is affecting your libido when it comes to her.

 

Do you have a therapist? Might be helpful.

 

I think its ok to fake it till you make it to a point as sometimes that works. But, I also think you need to get all your feelings out with her also for the M to be healthy. If it would be easier to do that in M counseling something else to consider. You cant just swallow all those feelings and expect to be ok.....there will be some cost to that.

[pfft]

Thank you velvette for a well thought out reply. I enjoyed your thoughts on this.

 

As far as her taking responsibility I believe she has. The only thing that she really cant answer is why it happened. She said she didn't really appreciate me before and is so upset she fell so far so fast. I really think this guy was a smooth talker. From what I have learned this was not his first time at this. Actually from what I have learned this is something that he does and every time leaves a wake of destruction. As far as assuring that it will not happen again she has

 

1. Removed herself from social networking completely

2. Complete adherence to no contact to the point of extreme. (avoiding any possible establishment or location that he could possibly visit in case of a completely random run in)

3. Complete open book with emails, computers, cell phones, passwords.

4. In counseling

5. Has an accountability partner that holds her to task.

6. No longer will have and has allowed to let die any platonic relationships/correspondence with men. (All of them ,even ones like emails to the baseball coach. She wants me to take over that stuff so that she can show her integrity and not cause me any anxiety)

 

I found out about her affair about 1 week after it happened as she completely fell apart. I kept asking her what was wrong and she was just listless. She looked completely checked out. I found out because she made an appt to see a therapist and an inadvertantly saw an email exchange to the therapist. Once I questioned her she admitted it.

 

I do not have a therapists but have been reading non stop. This is the only hurdle I havent been able to get answers on. Either the person in my situation has really not forgiven the WS or is still being fueled by anger. Both cases are totally justified but nevertheless do not fit my situation.

 

As far as anger is concerned. I was angry. I expressed it to her because I knew (from reading) that I couldnt just stuff it down. But I have realized in my life that continued anger only hurts the person that holds it. To be honest I wish I was more mad. I think that would clear faster than sadness.

 

Thank you again. I think that you have said some very constructive things I will think on.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

You may want to consider going to a bookstore or library and pulling out some sex therapy books.

 

If the sex is effected I would say that the more pressure that is put on performing, the more likely it would be hard to be excited.

 

After so much visualizing what happened with WW and OM, it makes sense to me that the long term damage would show up in the bedroom. Your particular values of how marriage should work had been violated.

 

Sex therapy will reintroduce slowly the rediscovery of sex and intimacy, it will teach you techniques on how to arouse eachother in a way that would eventually have you begging for sex from eachother.

 

Short of the library you can search "sex therapy homework" and you will find suggestions online.

 

I think you need to start over with your wife and be patient with yourself. Build back your libido carefully and without judgement

[whichwayisup]

No condemnation here and thank you for your reply. I agree that maybe we are trying to hard to fast. I have thought of that before. We both agree that there will be a new normal, I am just hoping that this isnt it.

 

You're only four months in. Don't think far too ahead and think how things are and how you feel sexually towards her is how it's going to be forever. As time goes on and you two re bond, rebuild and communicate/ work together, it'll change for the good.

[dichotomy]

Fake it till you make it. Your doing the right things (as your WW is doing) you are marching down the right path to the right drum beat....give it a longer while. 4 months is nothing.

 

I hope your getting therapy on your own and getting exercise and rest.

[BetrayedH]

I haven't read the rest of the thread but upon my first reading of your original post, I have a few thoughts:

 

(1) My gut says you have the right combination for a successful reconciliation: a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Time will tell if this is really true.

 

(2) It's going to take longer than you expect. Conventional wisdom these days says 2-5 years. Perhaps you'll be closer to the two years than most but it has only been 4 months. You (and your wife) need to take some of the pressure off of yourselves. You cannot go around an affair; you must go through it.

 

(3) It's natural for your view of your wife to change. The affair doesn't need to define her or your marriage but it would be foolish of you if it didn't adjust your perspective, even if you WANT your perspective to return to what it once was. In short, you have taken your wife down off the pedestal. That's probably a good thing, to be honest. No one should be up there.

 

Good luck. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

[pfft]

Thank you for the replies. It is good to know that people will take the time to respond to a complete stranger with the intention of helping. Gives you a little faith back into humanity. I already feel a little better about not making this a race and that fake it to you make it isn't completely wrong. I also hope that if other guys read this they can realize that at least there is one other out there like them if they are feeling this way. Thank you again.

[Mr. Lucky]

Fake it till you make it.

Amen. Research shows that people who force themselves to smile feel happier and your situation will work the same way. You're laying the groundwork for the new normal you've described.

 

Hope you guys make it all the way back as such great success stories are all too rare...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jatan]

Amen. Research shows that people who force themselves to smile feel happier and your situation will work the same way. You're laying the groundwork for the new normal you've described.

 

Hope you guys make it all the way back as such great success stories are all too rare...

 

Mr. Lucky

Hi, i am in the same situation as you. My remorseful hubby planned a holidays trip with just me and him to relax and hopefully rekindle our sparks again. I know it will never be the same. I always ask myself will i be happier if i were to leave him. To me my answer will be no. Not any better to myself and my kids. At least our spouses are remorseful. I have a friend whose spouse went off happily with someone and was not even regretful. Anyway, follow your heart as it tells you best. Give sometime for yourself and for her to make it up to you again. Good luck!

[oldshirt]

I get it that you love your wife and that you want to rebuild your relationship and you want both of you to get past the affair and go on to live a happy and healthy life together.

 

 

And to both you and your wife's credits you both seem to be taking the right steps and doing the right things.

 

 

Please understand however that just because both of you are taking the proper steps and doing the right things, does not in any way, shape or form guarantee that you will heal and recover from this to a degree that you can restore a happy, healthy marriage.

 

 

Your wife has delt you a terrible blow and done something extremely destructive to your marriage. She may feel true remorse about that and she may wish she could step into the Way-Back Machine and undue it, but the damage has been done. It may or may not be fixable.

 

 

Here is the real catch - attraction and desire and wanting someone sexually are not choices. you simply can not add all the ingredients into a bowl and mix them up and pour out attraction and respect and affection and desire etc etc.

 

 

When someone cheats, they tear up their Spouse Card. They waive their right to a loving and affectionate spouse who loves and desires them and is attracted to them and holds them in special esteem.

 

 

She was hot and panting and naked and making sweat with another guy while you were out earning the money to pay for the roof over her head and the food on her table and the clothes on her children's backs.

 

 

You may have good and honorable intentions of forgiving her and reconciling and rebuilding your marriage and life together but she did a terrible thing and that terrible thing has caused you to lose a big chunk of respect and reverence and desire for her.

 

 

You may or may not be able to get that back.

 

 

That was the risk that she took when she got naked with him and wrapped her legs around him and took him inside her.

 

 

You have the right to be angry, bitter, disgusted, disillusioned, hurt, sad, frustrated and yes you have the right and have just cause in losing attraction and desire for her. That is the risk she chose and that is the repercussion that both of you may have to live with.

 

 

We all have to give you credit for giving it your all and for making a good faith effort at trying to reconcile and recover. I actually hope you succeed but you need to realize it may not be possible. and you also need to understand that if it does work out it may take YEARS and yes I said YEARS for things to become OK again.

[oldshirt]

.....Cont -

 

 

Think of this as like a very severe injury. Lets say you get your leg caught in a machine and severely injured.

 

 

- The first priority is simply to save your life and get you out of the machine and stop the bleeding before you bleed to death. nothing else really matters but surviving at that point.

 

 

-The next priority after getting out and stopping the bleeding is to assess whether it's even worth trying to save the leg or whether it will be more effective to remove what's unsalvageable and start working on moving forward with a prosthetic and rehab etc etc.

 

 

- if it is determined that attempting to save the limb is warrented, everyone needs to be aware that it will take multiple surgeries, lots of pain and inconvenience, a long road to recovery and that there will always be great potential for complications and set backs and there is always the possibility that an infection may set in that will make salvaging the leg impossible and the leg will still need to be removed to save the life.

 

 

- if therapy and treatment progresses to where it is presumed that the leg will be salvageable, it will have to be with the understanding that there will be scarring and phantom pain and that there will likely be some level of impairment ranging from a slight limp to a pronounced change in gait or possibly even requiring the use of a cane or crutches etc.

 

 

- Things may progress to the point of no outwardly visible impairment to an outside person, but the injury may have permanently ended the victims ability to run or walk long distances without pain or fatigue and they may in time find that they no longer enjoy activities that they used and have now found other activities they enjoy and function better at.

 

 

- in time ( a long time) that person may one day realize that they are living a full and healthy and happy life and are proud of how far they have come and what they have accomplished despite the terrible injury they incurred. They may look back and realize that their life is now permanently 'different' than it was before. But they do not feel that it is really "lesser" than what it was before.

 

 

 

 

Of those 6 stages I have described, you are currently at stage 3 AT BEST and you may even slide back to Stage 2 at any moment. You are looking at Stage 4 and 5 and trying your darndest to get there, but that may or may not be in the cards for you. Only time will tell that.

 

 

 

 

Cont......

[oldshirt]

My recommendation is try to keep the good 'can-do' attitude and appreciate your wife's efforts as well.

 

 

But do recognize this for the severe injury that it is and do what you would do if your leg was severely injured and get the best doctors and the best therapies and the best rehab specialists as possible working on your case to try to save what is salvageable and get you back up and on your feet as efficiently and affectively as possible.

 

 

Get some good counseling and therapy keep working on it to the best of your ability but realize this for the severe injury that it is.

 

 

Way deep down I have the feeling you are taking a little bit of a head in the sand approach here and trying to minimize the damage that was done to a degree. I don't think you are in true denial per se, but I do think you want things to be the way they used to be so bad that you are not taking it as seriously or recognizing it for as bad of an injury that it was.

 

 

4 months is NOT a long time on the road to recovery from this and there is absolutely NO guarantee that this marriage can or even should be salvaged at this point.

 

 

That is a very terrible and unfair burden on you but that is why it is called cheating. And that is the risk your wife took when she chose to get it on with some other dude. She may sincerely feel bad about it now and realize it was a mistake, but the damage was done in an instant whether anyone wanted it to be devastating or not.

[velvette]

 

 

Here is the real catch - attraction and desire and wanting someone sexually are not choices. you simply can not add all the ingredients into a bowl and mix them up and pour out attraction and respect and affection and desire etc

 

 

.

 

There is a lot of wisdom in your posts oldshirt; but, I don't fully agree with this. Most everything we do is a choice even if we are not aware of the rapid fire process by which our brains make those choices.

 

So without getting into a debate about whether or not the initial attraction to someone is a choice or something else hard to define or prove, we absolutely can imo build attraction in reverse so to speak.

 

If you look at what happens when people are attracted, fall in love and then proceed to a relationship what happens is pretty standard. They spend a lot of time together, do lots of fun stuff together, talk endlessly about dreams/hopes, etc. , build memories together, scope out what the other person wants/needs and spend time trying to meet those needs, have lots of hot sex, etc. This is an almost universal pattern among human beings. It builds love and attraction if its working right and we've made a good choice about the object of our attraction. Most people do this without really analyzing or thinking about it.

 

But, if there was attraction and love prior to the A, it can be rebuilt by consciously doing all these things to rebuild it. Not saying it works for everyone, but I think it does work if you want it to. You also have to be ready to take the risk of being hurt again which can take time.

 

Sometimes not feeling attraction is a choice whereby we are simply shutting down any possible feeling of attraction in order to protect ourselves from getting any closer than we feel comfortable. Its a way of keeping the spouse we no longer fully trust at arms length.

[Friskyone4u]

What you are experiencing is not unusual. Why would you expect to feel exactly the same about a woman who you have everything to and who betrayed you. I agree that she has transferred to OM some of her own guilt. Why would she loath him? He did not force her to do anything.

There is really nothing you can do but hope that time and total commitment on her part will let you heal. And don't expect not to trigger the next time you go out of town for an extended period. You would have to be emotionless not to.

And she nenes to keep trying to find out why so it never can happen again.

A lot of women are depressed but do t go bang another man

[oldshirt]

There is a lot of wisdom in your posts oldshirt; but, I don't fully agree with this. Most everything we do is a choice even if we are not aware of the rapid fire process by which our brains make those choices.

 

So without getting into a debate about whether or not the initial attraction to someone is a choice or something else hard to define or prove, we absolutely can imo build attraction in reverse so to speak.

 

If you look at what happens when people are attracted, fall in love and then proceed to a relationship what happens is pretty standard. They spend a lot of time together, do lots of fun stuff together, talk endlessly about dreams/hopes, etc. , build memories together, scope out what the other person wants/needs and spend time trying to meet those needs, have lots of hot sex, etc. This is an almost universal pattern among human beings. It builds love and attraction if its working right and we've made a good choice about the object of our attraction. Most people do this without really analyzing or thinking about it.

 

But, if there was attraction and love prior to the A, it can be rebuilt by consciously doing all these things to rebuild it. Not saying it works for everyone, but I think it does work if you want it to. You also have to be ready to take the risk of being hurt again which can take time.

 

Sometimes not feeling attraction is a choice whereby we are simply shutting down any possible feeling of attraction in order to protect ourselves from getting any closer than we feel comfortable. Its a way of keeping the spouse we no longer fully trust at arms length.

 

 

 

I get what you are saying and a part of me used to believe that too. And a part of me really wants to believe it. A part of me really wants to believe that you can consciously build/find attraction.

 

 

But the older I get and the more I've seen, causes me to question that more and more.

 

 

Yes there are some common threads in people that have chemistry. But there are also universal patterns of when someone $h!ts in you real bad that people fall out of love and lose their attraction.

 

 

There are universal patterns where two people meet and they are both beautiful, both of the same backgrounds, both rich/poor/middle class, both educated/or not, both love puppies walks on the beach, and.........nothing.

 

 

There is still some kind of "X"-factor that determines if there is an attraction and chemistry or not. The people that have the X-factor do all of those things you mentioned for sure. But the people that do not have the X-factor have all the ingredients but nothing ever gets off the ground.

 

 

And what is for sure is the X-factor can be lost, especially with cheating.

 

 

Now since it was there in beginning (at least we know it was for him, we haven't heard her side and she was the one that strayed so who knows) it should hopefully be possible to get it back to one degree or another but when someone gets it on with someone else that is the risk they take.

 

 

And for the BS, someone just the fact that their was even willing to take that risk in the first place is enough to send them over the edge.

 

 

This is a case of where I hope you are right and I am wrong.

[velvette]

Oldshirt you're right it could go all kinds of ways including feeling attraction/chemistry again but deciding you don't want to continue the relationship anyway.

 

I am assuming from what OP said that attraction/chemistry existed before so it probably can be reclaimed. I agree it probably cant be manufactured out of thin air in a R where it never existed.

 

But, since sexuality is for most men a primary way of expressing love in R, I think it worth the OP thinking about whether or not he is actually suppressing these feelings rather than assuming he has lost these feelings. It would be very normal if he were imo. Lots of BS at 4 months out after all the initial drama has died down have plenty of days where they cant stand to be in the same room as the WS much less entertain feeling loving or sexually attracted.

[HereNorThere]

Just make sure you are staying for the right reasons. If you lost attraction for her, that's her fault. It seems like you are blaming yourself for not being past it, but the truth is that she did it.

 

As much as she works to win you over, as much bad as she feels, you have live with the fact that she isn't the person you thought she was. Now you have to decide, "would I marry a cheater?"

 

Your situation sounds better than 95% on here. It sounds like she really did "cheat" whereas most of the WS cheated, lied, betrayed their whole family and friends for months or years. Psychologically, your wife being sick, remoreseful, etc. shows that she has some capacity for empathy, something that's lacking with most WS.

 

I wouldn't be able to do it. I could forgive, but I couldn't sleep with someone who had someone else's fluids in them so recently.

Edited June 17, 2014 by HereNorThere