Self image and confidence shot from this ..

[LaylaSings]

Anyone else gain an incredible amount of confidence in the beginning of their affair only to hit rock bottom at the end or during? Be it the confusion and insecurity of the unknown, or jealousy of his family or even just that you stooped so low, and did something you never thought you would??

 

I'm shocked at how my positive self image and confidence did a leap higher than it ever had been and then totally nosedived as things progressed and I had time to think.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Anyone else gain an incredible amount of confidence in the beginning of their affair only to hit rock bottom at the end or during? Be it the confusion and insecurity of the unknown, or jealousy of his family or even just that you stooped so low, and did something you never thought you would??

 

I'm shocked at how my positive self image and confidence did a leap higher than it ever had been and then totally nosedived as things progressed and I had time to think.

 

I wouldn't be surprise if majority of the people respond saying "yes"

 

My xMM told me so many things that made me feel amazing, calling me gorgeous, always listening to my music, telling me how talented I was, saying how sexy I was etc... But yes, not only was it the fact that he would disappear in the evenings and weekends that would make me feel badly it was also that he would do things that would seem very back and forth and it would make me get more desperate and act more needy. Then he would call me out on being "temperamental" and imply that I was crazy. Regardless of how beautiful and talented he proclaimed I was, he also made me feel insane. So in my individual case, the damage was very long lasting and I hope that someday I can get past it.

 

And falling for someone so hard that things so negatively about me when I have a beautiful husband at home who unconditionally loves me, really confused me. I had a good example of what love looked like and I still confused my married man's love as love when in reality it was just ego filling hormonal passionate "love"

 

I don't trust my judgement anymore. I don't know if I can spot a good guy when I see one. Even though my husband is great in so many ways there are so many things he has done in our marriage that would likely break the "marriage vows" But I am not using that as an excuse as the reason why I strayed. I strayed because I just simply fell in love with someone else. But why I would pay attention to someone so vampiric is beyond me. I MUST be crazy.

 

So there you have it. self esteem destroyed.

[LaylaSings]

Oh I'm so sorry he would say things about you like that! I can imagine that cuts like a knife. he's in no place to judge..

I'm more shaken by the things my MM doesn't say. He's only ever said nice wonderful things about me.. Right to me or other people tell me he's told them good things.. He built me up higher than Id ever felt then decided to withhold it. He still offers me what he says he can.. But things are in a weird place right now.. And really I don't need compliments! I never knew how to take them ever before him.. Anyway that's not what I miss I guess. Just someone thinking I was special enough and worth enough to risk everything for maybe? I don't even know. I felt like I was really loved for the first time and was left feeling like maybe I have no idea what love is and I always thought I knew!

 

The worst part is my self from a few years ago in my head just saying.. THIS!? This is who you are now?? How could you?

 

It's sad. I feel really ashamed of myself.

[spookysonata]

Oh I'm so sorry he would say things about you like that! I can imagine that cuts like a knife. he's in no place to judge..

I'm more shaken by the things my MM doesn't say. He's only ever said nice wonderful things about me.. Right to me or other people tell me he's told them good things.. He built me up higher than Id ever felt then decided to withhold it. He still offers me what he says he can.. But things are in a weird place right now.. And really I don't need compliments! I never knew how to take them ever before him.. Anyway that's not what I miss I guess. Just someone thinking I was special enough and worth enough to risk everything for maybe? I don't even know. I felt like I was really loved for the first time and was left feeling like maybe I have no idea what love is and I always thought I knew!

 

The worst part is my self from a few years ago in my head just saying.. THIS!? This is who you are now?? How could you?

 

It's sad. I feel really ashamed of myself.

 

If you don't think you are special or worthy of good things, no amount of ego kibble from someone else will ever full the void. Your self confidence has to be at an all time low when you look in the mirror and see a woman who is betraying her husband and her best friend.

The only way out is to stop being that person. I would find a good counselor if were you.

[carhill]

For myself, the process was a confidence inspiring experience, culminating in being able to clearly communicate the how and why of 'goodbye' and making it stick. After that point, interestingly, my dating success with single women improved. So, while I wouldn't recommend the path, the end result, a more wise and hardened man, generally a more effective competitor in my demographic, came about in a way I doubt it would have otherwise. If 'self-confidence' was ever an issue, it was more markedly so in prior years, where one rejection after another ate away at a young man's self-esteem.

 

Water decades under the bridge but that's my recollection on the self-image front.

[chelsea2011]

I've always attracted emotionally unavailable men and always ended up feeling like you mention. I discovered the problem was me because if was truly self assured I wouldn't have given them the time of day. Worth looking into.

[LaylaSings]

If you don't think you are special or worthy of good things, no amount of ego kibble from someone else will ever full the void. Your self confidence has to be at an all time low when you look in the mirror and see a woman who is betraying her husband and her best friend.

The only way out is to stop being that person. I would find a good counselor if were you.

 

No where in my post did I ask what you would do if you were me. I also didn't make any reference to how you think I should feel in my situation, I asked if people could relate or ever felt the same thing. Your opinion on my personal situation is fair enough, go ahead and have it. I didn't ask for it here.

[herself]

Yes, when he went from burning hot to cold overnight I felt like yesterday's news, thrown away trash. I also have a very loving, warm, supportive caring husband so that fact that I fell for another was incredibly confusing and I believed in what we had SO strongly that I was shocked how fast it came undone and how hard it hit me. Rock bottom type of self esteem.

So sorry u feel this way. I drew closer to my husband by explaining the close friendship broke up and it made me feel abandoned.

He understood we were best friends and that I loved him. It helped me to have my husband's love and comfort. It was an EA and I feel deep down he knew and knew that helping me deal meant having ME back. He also want an angel in our marriage though no PA so maybe it helped us both forgive and pull together.

[spookysonata]

No where in my post did I ask what you would do if you were me. I also didn't make any reference to how you think I should feel in my situation, I asked if people could relate or ever felt the same thing. Your opinion on my personal situation is fair enough, go ahead and have it. I didn't ask for it here.

 

Obviously I can relate, that was why I responded. I had to learn that self esteem wasn't something some guy could provide but had to come from within. No need whatsoever to bite my head off, but if my comment hit a nerve maybe you should think about why.

[LaylaSings]

Obviously I can relate, that was why I responded. I had to learn that self esteem wasn't something some guy could provide but had to come from within. No need whatsoever to bite my head off, but if my comment hit a nerve maybe you should think about why.

 

I did not bite anyone head off, far from it. You are welcome to your opinions.. And ya, I would say it hits a nerve, wouldn't it have too? Read the first post if you would like again.. Discussing confidence and self image shot and feeling terrible, obviously hurting right? I did not ask how you would feel in MY situation, only if people had felt similar. You don't really know exactly how you would feel as me and can't possibly with out all the info, I'm sure you have a good idea and that's fine.. I just did not ask to discuss it here and I do have other threads on my story you are welcome to delve into but I don't see how it's relevant or supportive in this one.

 

I didn't even ask for advice here.. Just asked if anyone else had felt that way in THEIR situation. I barely posted any details on my situation on this thread because there is enough already doing that.. I just wanted to talk about how crazy the switch has been. How it went from one extreme to the other and I've seen women who had vastly different scenarios than me say similar. That's all I wanted to discuss here.

Edited June 16, 2014 by LaylaSings

[XenoMouse]

i agree with carhill, though it is a very trying and horrible thing to go through, it does give you the ability to deal with anything afterwards. I guess kind of like a what doesn't kill you makes you stronger thing. You get the ability to see much more clearly thru bulls*** wayward type personalities and as carhill said you gain the ability to say no and walk away much much easier than before with the knowledge that you have been thru worse and survived so this loss isn't going to kill you as you thought it might.

 

Yes there is an incredible loss of confidence but as guy friends will tell you (if you have any), hey it happens to the best of us, we all go thru it. The way I look at it is, honestly, I didn't know what i was getting into, I had no idea. I fell into something either due to stupidity, ignorance, or inexperience but in the end i not only learned a valuable lesson but i learned so much about myself that i don't think i ever would have had it not been for this extremely trying experience.

 

I think the most important step to recovery is to forgive yourself for this mess. Yeah it was stupid and yeah you shouldn't have done it but you can't be too hard on yourself cause your going to have to be the one thats gonna pick yourself up and move on. It does suck that the ones we thought had feelings for us pushed us down but they did it only after they got through our defenses which is truly cowardly and insidious, they did not overpower or out gun us, so to look at them as some strong entity verse our puny tiny hurt selves is a complete fallacy.

 

In my experience my confidence started to come back when i made a decision to make an effort to get up off the ground and stop lying around daydreaming and pitying myself. Im not expecting it to all come at once like popeye downing a can of spinach. Baby steps...baby steps.

[Quiet Storm]

I think the two biggest losses OW face in an affair are the feelings of low self worth and lost time.

 

I have read numerous threads where the OW seemed to be confident, independent, outgoing, strong etc. But by the end of the affair, are insecure, emotionally dependent, weak, confused, etc.

 

I believe this loss of confidence comes from the OW having faith in MM and believing in their love, while simultaneously contradicting the values that many OW have always believed (cheating is wrong, don't lie, respect marriage, golden rule, people in love should be together, etc).

 

It's called cognitive dissonance, and it can create a lot of internal turmoil. OW wants a relationship with MM so bad, and she believes in their connection & love so much... but deep down she still feels uneasy, and little feelings start popping up in the midst of the bliss... "This is not me!" "What kind of guy is he to do this?" "Why am I accepting this?"

 

I think the low self worth comes from OW continuing to love MM and wanting to be with him, despite logically knowing that she deserves better. Many OW accept things that they would never accept from a single guy, such as broken promises, limited contact, avoiding the public, etc. While MM has a valid excuse in OW's eyes, continually being made a low priority can affect our feelings of self worth. Just like with a neglected child, when the one person who is supposed to love you & care for you continually disappoints, it hurts. The difference is that a child has no control and is a victim of their circumstances. OW has control- she can end it if she wants- but she still feels powerless to her feelings. The low confidence is brought on because she is allowing her emotions to drive her choices. When OW is able to view things realistically, and act accordingly, it starts the healing process.

 

The phrase "Actions speak louder than words" does not only apply to MM. It applies to OW, as well. I notice that many OW do try & protect themselves by arguing their worth..."I deserve better, MM, you know I do", "You need to be divorced by this date, or else!", "Other guys want to take me out, MM, watch out!", "This isn't fair to me, and you know it!", "Look how much I am sacrificing for you, MM!" But through all the talk, many OW still stay. She still waits. She's still available to MM. She still participates in the romance & sex. She still accepts it. Does MM see this as a noble sacrifice? Not usually. When someone complains, cries, and continually asks for change... but still stays in the situation, the logical MM conclusion is "She must be OK with it, she's not dumping me yet" or "She loves me so much, she doesn't really mean it, she's just talking". IMO, when OW continue to participate after clearly stating she wants more, this not only lowers OW's feelings of self worth, but it actually lowers MM's opinion of her. Just like OW's opinion of MM is lowered when he constantly complains about being unhappy & miserable in the marriage, but never does anything to change it.

 

So basically you end up with two cowards- a MM who is either afraid to leave his marriage OR afraid to admit to OW he is never leaving, and an OW who feels too emotionally weak to end the affair. This does not inspire feelings of value or worthiness.

 

When OW is able to make her actions match those words, confidence begins to rebuild. When OW can say "I love MM but I still deserve better" and actually end the relationship, it's one step towards confidence. When OW says "Enough!" and finally starts looking out for her own best interests, it's another step towards confidence. When OW says "I'm done!" and starts filling up her time with friends, family, activities... it's one more step towards emotional freedom.

 

Taking those small steps will hurt like hell, but each one makes you a little bit stronger and is one more piece of confidence restored. It takes time & effort (and sometimes counseling), but it can certainly be done.

 

Having faith in yourselves (and not MM) is key. When we act in our own best interests, even when it hurts, we are loving ourselves. Putting that love and energy into ourselves, instead of those that do not deserve it, is SO important.

Edited June 16, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Pastypop]

My MM asked for my advice on some serious matters. No one has ever asked me for advice concerning anything. That's what pulled me in.

[Ivy2014]

One thing that's helped me is taking better care of my appearance. Do you remember all the effort we put into looking great when meeting the exMM? Well, I try to do that everyday. It's hard work (hahaha) BUT it makes a huge difference. For example, I've been visiting my new bank for over a year and it's only now that the male teller there suddenly became really complimentary. This kind of thing is great for boosting your self confidence again.

[SugarHibiscus]

Yes, Layla. I feel the same way. My A has fundamentally changed how I think of myself. At the beginning of the A, I felt amazing. My OM and I were falling in love. There's no feeling like it.

 

I still love him but I'm ashamed of myself. The lying, deceit, rationalizations and self-loathing can be crippling. The double betrayal astonishing. I keep thinking I'm not this person. How did this happen? I don't behave this way. But, in fact I am this person. It's hard to live with.

[A.Moscote]

How did this happen?

Putting self satisfaction above other values. Again, and again.

 

In whatever life situation, continuously being that way will always eventually bring the consequences back to us. In this case, shattered our own image (to our own eyes at least), and diminish our confidence.

 

Sorry for the being so black-and-white.

Be conscience and take care.

[RegretfulAlways]

The phrase "Actions speak louder than words" does not only apply to MM. It applies to OW, as well. I notice that many OW do try & protect themselves by arguing their worth..."I deserve better, MM, you know I do", "You need to be divorced by this date, or else!", "Other guys want to take me out, MM, watch out!", "This isn't fair to me, and you know it!", "Look how much I am sacrificing for you, MM!" But through all the talk, many OW still stay. She still waits. She's still available to MM. She still participates in the romance & sex. She still accepts it. Does MM see this as a noble sacrifice? Not usually. When someone complains, cries, and continually asks for change... but still stays in the situation, the logical MM conclusion is "She must be OK with it, she's not dumping me yet" or "She loves me so much, she doesn't really mean it, she's just talking". IMO, when OW continue to participate after clearly stating she wants more, this not only lowers OW's feelings of self worth, but it actually lowers MM's opinion of her. Just like OW's opinion of MM is lowered when he constantly complains about being unhappy & miserable in the marriage, but never does anything to change it.

 

So basically you end up with two cowards- a MM who is either afraid to leave his marriage OR afraid to admit to OW he is never leaving, and an OW who feels too emotionally weak to end the affair. This does not inspire feelings of value or worthiness.

 

Oh my god, I'm printing this out and taping it on my bathroom mirror. Thanks, Quiet Storm, for helping me get through a really weak-feeling day.