OMG Im out & just spotted xMM & his W!

[whichwayisup]

Come clean to your husband and let the chips fall where they're gonna fall.

 

Your H isn't stupid, he knows something is off and wrong with you after tonight. Unless you're an academy award actress and can hide every emotion and fake it in front of him, he KNOWS something is up with you.

 

BP, you need help, more than what we can offer you. You're not thinking clearly and need counseling asap to help you through this.

[PachucaSunrise]

Ok we're back at the hotel. No DDay. They never saw me tonight.

I'm now secretly crying in our hotel bathroom.

 

I wish I was with him, having a great time at the event. Instead I am just a rejected ugly mess.

 

My marriage is forced & doomed. I will never feel as happy as when I was with him.

 

Oh, I so feel for you, girl! I'm sorry you had to go through this tonight. Such a tough situation, ESPECIALLY because it was so unexpected. Lots of good vibes sent your way.

 

I hope you wake up tomorrow, read through this thread, and see things in a much different light. You really dodged some major bullets. I mean MAJOR bullets. I'm sure you're gonna be thankful for that tomorrow. AND even MORE thankful that you DID NOT TEXT HIM!! GOOD GOD, I sure hope you didn't!

 

But this whole thing is also a little concerning... It seems as though everything was all good until you saw him... If he wasn't there, you just may have went about your evening, had a blast with your H, and woke up tomorrow with nothing more than (possibly) a little hangover. But it's as clear as day - you are not over this man - and that raises SOOOOO many questions....

 

How do you think you'd feel if you didn't see him at all? Or what if he was with someone other than his W? What if he was alone? There's quite a bit to be said with your answers to these questions... AND REALLY - what makes you care so much?? I think if you're completely honest with yourself, you'll be able to gain at least a little bit of clarity, and that will only be beneficial to you in the long run.

 

If you were TRULY happy with the way your M was going, I doubt seeing him would have had you in such an emotional state. That's quite concerning, don't you think? A little stab of jealousy is fairly normal, but I think you were feeling much more than that.

 

I'm certainly not coming down on you - I'm honestly just raising some questions from an outsider's perspective. I totally agree with WWIU - you would most definitely benefit from some counseling to work through these issues.

 

Now that you live near this man... It's very likely that you may see him ANYWHERE! Being that this first time was so difficult for you, how do you think the next time would possibly be? I think that's something you may have to prepare yourself for, and just as WWIU said, that would be out of the realm of what we could help you with - a therapist would be most beneficial for something like that.

 

And then there's your H... Who seems to be completely in the dark. Sooner or later he's going to suspect something's up. Maybe you dodged that bullet this time, but you might not be as lucky next time. Again, I'm not trying to come down on you, but for all we know, you H may have had the time of his life tonight - completely clueless - thinking everything between the two of you is all peachy. That's not exactly fair to him, you know? Just something to think about...

 

I wish you well, BP, but I also hope that you think long and hard about this incident and how you would like to proceed from here on out. I know that drinking probably didn't help your situation (it never does for me), but there's also a lot of truth to the things you say and do while drinking. These days, when I drink, I cry, so that tells me I'm CLEARLY not over what happened to me. Just some food for thought...

 

Definitely keep us posted!! I'm really hoping you wake up in the morning with a much clearer head. Best of luck to you!!

[still_an_Angel]

You did well tonight BP, that was tough. Hugs to you

Angel

[BrokenPrincess]

That was a rough time last night and the champagne definitely did not help. Wow. My head & heart are both feeling a little bruised this morning.

 

Thank god for you all telling me not to text him!! That was definitely not a great idea.

 

You know I thought maybe he'd disappeared these last 6 weeks because his wife suspected the email account or something happened to spook him and he was having a rough time at home. But from what I saw last night, everything looks wonderful! She definitely didn't look like a woman who caught her husband breaking NC AGAIN with his xOW.

 

Going to take some aspirin now.

[ja123]

OP, I hope you don't contact MM or BS. I have the feeling you are really jealous of her (BS) and might do something to cause her more pain. Hasn't she been through enough, too?

 

 

Exit gracefully ... and please seek counseling.

 

 

You're feeling emotions. You have a lot to work through, including grief. But, don't forget, this is not all about you.

[C00kie]

Anyway OP, I didn't mean to go off topic. Last night I read your post and I really felt for you. Must have been one hell of a situation. I hope you are able to do whatever it's best for you - thank glad you did not message him. You'll be looking at things in a different light as days go by.

 

Best of luck!

[A.Moscote]

Take your time properly BP, vent off if you need, and rest well. Cry as much as you want if that helps relieve your hurts. You have done well on this one hurdle, hopefully this will make you stronger and wiser on managing same situations in the future. Again, repeating some other posters before, it will be much easier to avoid any regrettable action if you don't have any mean to contact him. Delete them all. Not worth it to keep something that can potentially halt or burn your progress.

My marriage is forced & doomed. I will never feel as happy as when I was with him.

That's a very sad marriage, please be patient living through it if that is what you have decided. Anyway I believe there is always some happiness in whatever situations, so open your eyes and heart, and scrape whatever little excitement there is. It maybe not as great as your affair, but at least it could help lessen the pain you are carrying, and who knows what those little things might build up to.

...everything looks wonderful! She definitely didn't look like a woman who caught her husband breaking NC AGAIN with his xOW.

In an ideal altruistic point of view, that is good for them, hopefully they will have a real reconciliation based on the truth, not by some manipulation by her man. Maybe that's is her way of moving on... and you your own way.

[BrokenPrincess]

FWIW I almost told him last night. There was an opportunity but I was drunk & it was late & I decided not to. I'm feeling pretty miserable today. I really wish I could sneak away & have a good cry

 

I know I'm not over him and yes I'm in IC. I started going again after we met for lunch a couple months ago & ended up kissing after spending hours catching up.

 

I don't really believe my marriage is doomed, I was just feeling extremely overwhelmed from the shock of seeing him. I know I have a good H who loves me & our kids.

Edited June 15, 2014 by BrokenPrincess

[C00kie]

FWIW I almost told him last night. There was an opportunity but I was drunk & it was late & I decided not to. I'm feeling pretty miserable today. I really wish I could sneak away & have a good cry

 

I know I'm not over him and yes I'm in IC. I started going again after we met for lunch a couple months ago & ended up kissing after spending hours catching up.

 

I don't really believe my marriage is doomed, I was just feeling extremely overwhelmed from the shock of seeing him. I know I have a good H who loves me & our kids.

 

It's great that you're doing IC. I hope you decide whatever's best for you, for the right reasons. Keep it strong!

[jwi71]

BP,

 

Do not cry tears of sadness or remorse at love's loss.

Do not remember last night as glimpse of "what could have been" with your MM.

 

Instead, thank your MM. No, don't break NC - do so silently and to yourself.

 

You see...he has given you the GREATEST gift - a gift so VERY rare and precious that, provided you are religious, a prayer is in order.

 

He gave you the truth.

 

The truth about HIM and his lies about himself. His W and the lies about her. The truth about YOU and the lies about "us". You have seen, with your own two eyes, through the veils of lies - through the smoke and mirrors - to see HIM and HIS life and where the A ranked in the order of his life. In short, in its own box, Its own neatly sealed compartment and the contents of one box shall NEVER meet the contents of the other.

 

Is this love? Can one love within such artificially created confines? I love you here - but not there. No, it is not love. I find it difficult to accept that such can truly love - sad really, to deny oneself the very meaning of life.

 

YOU - you got to see, however briefly the contents of another box.

 

Never forget what you saw.

 

FWIW I almost told him last night. There was an opportunity but I was drunk & it was late & I decided not to. I'm feeling pretty miserable today. I really wish I could sneak away & have a good cry

 

Why?

A good cry over the fantasy life?

A good cry over the lies he told?

A good cry over what? The truth? That maybe the A meant more to you than he? That you were deceived? Taken advantage of in a sense?

 

What is the to mourn?

 

This was not love lost - its bullet dodged.

 

I know I'm not over him and yes I'm in IC. I started going again after we met for lunch a couple months ago & ended up kissing after spending hours catching up.

And if you are not over him - you are not ready for a new R - and I not so obliquely refer to your H. How can you love yourself and be open to your H whilst still pining for the illusion of the MM?

 

You, and by extension your M, are still very much in a crisis.

 

You have to win the war in your head. To NOT win - is for this to be your every day. Do NOT let that come to pass.

 

I don't really believe my marriage is doomed, I was just feeling extremely overwhelmed from the shock of seeing him. I know I have a good H who loves me & our kids.

How likely is there to be a repeat of last night?

Is there a reasonable chance of seeing them again?

Or his W?

 

Cutting to the chase - how likely is your H to have dday because of circumstance? The odd happening of the BS encountering you and your H - and all hell breaking loose?

 

Are there any steps you can take to mitigate that risk?

[BrokenPrincess]

Jwl, your post officially caused the years to start spilling out but thank you. Everything you said is spot on & pointing me to right perspective. Yes I do feel sad at "what could've been" or what I fantasized we could be, realistic or not. I just want to cry it out or talk to someone out loud IRL or both.

 

Since DDay, I have convinced myself that he doesn't actually care, that it meant more to me, etc and have battered myself with the rejection and vowed to never let him know how much he meant to me. I just can't let him know how I feel about him & be even more vulnerable. But then each time he broke NC, he confessed all of his own torment/angst/pining for me on & on. But all the while he stayed NC for months & months.

 

So here we are again, seeing him last night hit me hard & again I'm hurting myself even more thinking about him being over me, never really cared, etc. This time I think it's truly happened. Because otherwise he would've reached out at least with some concern that I might be there last night knowing my interest.

 

We had closure but a part of me wants to make new memories with him and that's what I need to get past. Crying & hiding in a bathroom all night wasn't really what I had in mind.

[velvette]

Jwl, your post officially caused the years to start spilling out but thank you. Everything you said is spot on & pointing me to right perspective. Yes I do feel sad at "what could've been" or what I fantasized we could be, realistic or not. I just want to cry it out or talk to someone out loud IRL or both.

 

Since DDay, I have convinced myself that he doesn't actually care, that it meant more to me, etc and have battered myself with the rejection and vowed to never let him know how much he meant to me. I just can't let him know how I feel about him & be even more vulnerable. But then each time he broke NC, he confessed all of his own torment/angst/pining for me on & on. But all the while he stayed NC for months & months.

 

So here we are again, seeing him last night hit me hard & again I'm hurting myself even more thinking about him being over me, never really cared, etc. This time I think it's truly happened. Because otherwise he would've reached out at least with some concern that I might be there last night knowing my interest.

 

We had closure but a part of me wants to make new memories with him and that's what I need to get past. Crying & hiding in a bathroom all night wasn't really what I had in mind.

 

BP, whatever either of you felt for the other, this is not what real love looks like. Neither of you have the courage to leave your current partners, live your love out loud in the open. Both of you encourage each other to live in ways that are unhealthy for yourselves and your families. You should want so much more from love than this....hiding in the bathroom crying pining over the man you're not with while you cant be honest with the man you are with.

 

I am going to suggest that you have a lot to learn about what love really is and that it has to start with loving yourself enough to do the right thing for yourself first.....not to be confused with what you want to do for yourself necessarily.

 

Counseling can help with that. Stop beating the dead horse of a R that should never have been in the first place. Learn what you need to learn and get honest with yourself about what kind of person you want to be and what kind of life you want to have.

 

I can pretty much guarantee you wont be able to find your own truth while you continue to deceive your H, but work through that in counseling and get your head on straight before you dump this on your H. Good luck.

[Popsicle]

Jwl, your post officially caused the years to start spilling out but thank you. Everything you said is spot on & pointing me to right perspective. Yes I do feel sad at "what could've been" or what I fantasized we could be, realistic or not. I just want to cry it out or talk to someone out loud IRL or both.

 

Since DDay, I have convinced myself that he doesn't actually care, that it meant more to me, etc and have battered myself with the rejection and vowed to never let him know how much he meant to me. I just can't let him know how I feel about him & be even more vulnerable. But then each time he broke NC, he confessed all of his own torment/angst/pining for me on & on. But all the while he stayed NC for months & months.

 

So here we are again, seeing him last night hit me hard & again I'm hurting myself even more thinking about him being over me, never really cared, etc. This time I think it's truly happened. Because otherwise he would've reached out at least with some concern that I might be there last night knowing my interest.

 

We had closure but a part of me wants to make new memories with him and that's what I need to get past. Crying & hiding in a bathroom all night wasn't really what I had in mind.

 

You are grieving the loss of a lover. This is normal. This too shall pass. Be strong.

[chelsea2011]

Wow, what an eye opener for you. Why not change the password to that email account so you can't access it anymore? Seeing your xMM hit you hard, but I think it's the broken NC on your part that is making this so hard for you. Close you eyes and type in random numbers in the password change field, copy and paste in the verify field and hit SAVE. Then clear your clip board so you won't be tempted to save it somewhere secretly. Go complete and total NC for yourself.