Tony: total story

[JustAGirl]

Hey Tony, I'll try to summarize all of our issues here...

 

Although I have no idea where to start...

 

- the money issue: came up today, b/c he was trying to pay for my lunch and i didnt let him... then he said why r u paying so much attention to money, it aint worth it... which resulted in me saying that when someone complains about his finances so much, i try to do what i can to help... blah... the response was that he WANTS to spend money on me, so why don't i let him.

 

the problem is that i'm working & making money & it sort of hurts his pride (iranian traditions, women dont work, etc)... so the more "hurt" his pride is, the more he tries to pay for me... i find it hard to sway between not hurting his pride and paying for myself (which i want to do, makes me feel dependent otherwise)

 

- phone issue: we never talk on the phone. it's fine, we use ICQ... however, around new year, i didnt have internet and i was sick and we had relatives here... he called every day for a couple days... i called... then three days b4 new year's he just vanished. i was mad at him... i called to check if he is OK, and didnt take the phone when he called back.. thats apparently when i said he's a non-caring bf... (after we started talking again) ...

 

we never use phone otherwise. shd i be less available on icq? is it normal?

 

- parents issue: my mom doesn't let me go to his house alone (I agreed to such limitation, but i always tell him it was imposed by mom)... it bothers him. esp. when i said i'm not ready for a family dinner when he invited me to celebrate his bday with his family...

 

he thinks my mom hates him (she's not too fond of his indeed, cuz she saw him hugging me the first time i brought him home, and then the hickeys and also the episode around new years) ... so for now he avoids coming to my house - cuz of my mom + since i'm not allowed to go to his house (yes, i've told him it's diff for a guy & for a girl, etc)

 

his folks seem to like me, except they're from iran, and were very surprised to hear i'm jewish. he told them i'm not religious, so it's okay but still, that fact bothers me a bit.

 

- it's a first-time long/serious relationship for both of us

 

we both make mistakes, it's fine. i've yelled at him a couple times when i was mad. i know now though that there r better ways to get him to behave properly...

 

- gifts: i never told him, but he has a starnge gift style (btw, 40-70 buck gifts, is that expensive?) ... like plastic bracelets & fake silver... and then he gets mad that i dont wear it (we have a family tradition to only wear real silver stuff *shrug*)

 

- marriage: he keeps bringing it up. he wants to marry me once we're done university. (he's planning on a PhD in astronomy btw) He gets mad that i'm not as enthousiastic about such plans. I just say 5-6-7 years is a long time, and i dont wanna think about marriage yet. Just enjoy what we have. I informed him however that i aint having sex until i'm living with the guy. Today he brought up engagement in a discussion... i just led the conversation in a diff. direction but i rlly hope he doesn't bring it up again... i'm happy with him now, but hell knows whats gonna happen in the next 6 years!...

 

- always together: at university, we usually spend lunches together, it kind of bothers me as it leaves me LIL time to make new friends (i commute so no rez), but i can't just send him away either. He skips lectures to stay with me (still good grades tho, he's smart) - when i try to tell him to go to class he says "oh, were u planning to spend the next hour w/ someone else? fine, ok, i'll just wait for u here" *mad face, looking down* .......

 

- i'm sorry for making this so long!!!

 

- extreme open-ness/bluntness : we tell each other almost anything (remember volume measurements ? ) ... he claims i'm his best friend as well as gf... sometimes i feel more like a best friend than a gf... is it normal to combine the two? i feel rlly close to him... maybe too close?

 

- why i came to ask for advice here:

 

normally i'd ask my mom but she doesn't like him so i'm afraid of bad judgement. we have had fights when i followed her advice before. she is different from me - her advice is to have more friends (incl. flirty guys), etc. She doesnt understand why i go out w/ someone steadily before i'm married.

 

- the rest is basically fine =)

 

i'm sorry for making this so long, if i missed some important areas, plz lemme know... THANKS !!!

 

- O. F.

[Tony T]

OK...I have read your synopsis three or four times. I see where there are some problems that can be easily solved by you...others for which there may be no immediate solution.

 

I perceive no situation as being really awful here. If you are happy with ICQ, fine.

 

You keep asking if various things are normal. There is no such thing as normal. If something is OK with you, fine. If it's not, you need to change it or get out of the relationship.

 

I do not see this as an ideal relationship but certainly one where you will learn a great deal. I would spend a lot of time in thought and meditation before deciding if you want to marry this guy. I do feel he will change substantially over the next few years. If you stay with him, you may long for the days he skipped classes to spend time with you.

 

People change. He will change. If you stay with him, the relationship in five years will be nothing like it is now. You can chose to remain with him and work out the rough spots or move on.

 

The decision is yours.

[JustAGirl]

Hey Tony =)

 

Thanks a lot for your response.

 

2 Qns:

 

1 - why do u insist he will change & i will "long for the days he skipped classes for me"? ... do u think he'll change as soon as he realized he pretty much "got me"?

 

2 - i did have the urge to break up & move on a few times. but when i actually tried, it puts myself in tears immediately ... is it so hard to let go cuz it's my first serious relationship? or i'm just 'chicken'? I do feel like i wanna meet other guys and stuff, but I really dont want to lose him either - feels like i'll never find someone like him again...

 

Thanks again,

 

O.F.

[Tony T]

1 - why do u insist he will change & i will "long for the days he skipped classes for me"? ... do u think he'll change as soon as he realized he pretty much "got me"?

 

No, I don't think he'll change. What I meant by that sentence was that he may ultimately pay so little attention to you if and/or when he starts taking you for granted that you will want the days to return when he did make a lot of time for you. This sentence was not meant to reflect favorably on your relationship with him.

 

2 - i did have the urge to break up & move on a few times. but when i actually tried, it puts myself in tears immediately ... is it so hard to let go cuz it's my first serious relationship?

 

No, it's always difficult to leave a situation we are used to. It's more easy to leave a bad situation than a good one. I supposed the reason it is most difficult is we always wonder if we had remained would it have gotten better. The answer is usually NO.

 

or i'm just 'chicken'?

 

I think there is a certain measure of insecurity in leaving the known for the unknown. Many people would rather remain in a bad relationship they are familiar with than have to find someone new and start things all over again. That, in my opinion, is not being chicken...it's being crazy.

 

I do feel like i wanna meet other guys and stuff, but I really dont want to lose him either - feels like i'll never find someone like him again...

 

That's what I just said. This is your show. This is your life. You make your own decisions here. This forum can't do that for you. I don't think you're are in a good relationship and I don't think you are very happy but if you want to stay with it, that's very much your business.