Hope Shimmers Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 (edited) I've been thinking about this for awhile recently - mostly feeling sad for her. Several years into my relationship with ex-MM, a woman posted a message to him on a forum that we both frequented. It was clear from her post that she knew him very well. I freaked out... it turns out that she was his ex-AP (he did not admit this level of relationship) ten years ago. He lied to me as I had asked him at the beginning if any such thing had happened during his marriage, and he told me no. He also told me that he had not cheated on his wife. Turns out that this was false, as he did with this woman. (If she had not just come out of the woodwork by chance, I never would have known - now I wonder how many others there were.) I ended up talking to her because at that time she contacted him to ask if they could resume communicating. The only reason I was involved is because she posted on a website where I was privy to her message. Otherwise I would never have known. At first I didn't believe that they had not communicated in ten years, but she verified this for me. She also said that they had had an online relationship in early 2000's that was serious. They did meet once and were intimate - otherwise it was all online. About 1 year total. The thing that haunts me is that she told me (during the time she and I were talking after this happened) that he told her that he needed "some time due to family issues" and that he would contact her when he could. That was his excuse to break contact. He then disappeared. So this woman literally waited for him for TEN YEARS... thinking he would contact her... she wasted her whole life. She was still waiting for him to contact her as he said ten years ago. She had never dated or moved on with her life, waiting for him. When I talked to ex-MM about this, his first comment was "who waits around that long?" Then he said, "I never asked her to wait" (I don't believe him - I believe he downplayed it and that he encouraged her to be dependent on him and wait for him). Then he said, "She's too old, why would I be interested in that? (she is ten years older than him, and I am a few years younger than him). OMG!!! All I could think about forever after that was this woman, single, never married, living with her mother, who gave everything to him and counted on him. She told me he made her feel safe. She waited for TEN YEARS for him to contact her, because he asked her to, and then when she finally got the courage to contact him, she learned he was with me. And still married. All I can think about is that she told me that he made her feel safe... and all the years she waited for him. When he wasn't even thinking about her. Edited June 15, 2014 by Hope Shimmers 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joanofark Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 what the F is wrong with people. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 She was so nice to him too... she learned that he was with me and then said she was surprised he was with someone else as she was waiting for him as he asked her to. He says he didn't ask her to wait. I don't believe him for one second. I know him. I know she felt he asked. But then she just said okay and accepted it and left. Link to post Share on other sites
PachucaSunrise Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 All I can think about is that she told me that he made her feel safe... and all the years she waited for him. When he wasn't even thinking about her. Wow, Hope. I don't even know what to say... She felt safe - I can't seem to wrap my brain around that. And she put her entire life on hold for TEN years!? Wow. I'm in complete awe. I feel sad for her as well. Does thinking about this change your feelings regarding XMM in any way? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 You have sad feelings for her, and I have sad feelings for you. She wasted 10 years...how much of your life are you going to waste on serial cheater and liar? EDIT: Excuse me, I just realised that you repeatedly and clearly stated ex-MM! Congrats for getting out of this situation, I hope you find the happiness that you deserve now 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 He is such a terrible person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Honestly, it is stuff like this that makes me start to believe that these predatory type of people should go around wearing warning signs around their neck. I don't know your story Hope, does the BS know all of this? If not, she should. That man should be single, alone and unhappy for what he does to others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
endingpage Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 That makes me so angry, for her and for you. Glad he is no longer in your life; don't spend anymore time on him. I guess some people don't understand that emotions can run deep and can play with other people like they are nothing. It is disgusting how flippant his reply was. hope this woman moved on to find someone who was honest to her and loved her. And I hope you, too, find your happiness. As for your ex-MM, well, there are no words. I believe life is cumulative. One day he will feel everything he did to these women and that comeuppance will be sweet. Based on what you wrote here and also how you described him in your other posts, I think it is a really good thing he is no longer in your life. I feel badly for his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 His W knows about me. When we first got involved they were separated and divorcing so it was not a secret. Then when he was more or less back with her he told her he was in love with me. She freaked - was very upset that she had to find out. Would have preferred being in the dark. She kept saying "why did you tell me?" She blamed it all on me though - not him. She doesn't know the details of my involvement with him. She doesn't know about the baby. I'm sure she doesn't know about this other woman. His main concern at the time was damage control and being very nice to her so she wouldn't tell his W. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 And I'm never going to tell her. She doesn't want to know. She will never leave him no matter what he does. It would just hurt her. That's why I don't advocate always telling the BS. Those BS's who would want to know are well represented here on LS. But there is a whole other population out there who would prefer to not know, and they will never be here on this forum. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 (edited) Hi Hope Here's something I didn't get - she waited for 10 years? Did they mantain contact at all during those years? Because if they didn't, why did she keep waiting? It's a long time and it would become obvious that he moved on. I don't know if I got the story right. My xMM has had another OW too, back in 2006. I found her on facebook. I kind of feel sorry for her/empathize with her. She was younger than him, as I am. I know things didn't end on good terms, because he said he would leave for her and ended up not leaving. She must have gone through hell but she seems fine now, got married and all that. I know for a fact he sent her an invitation on facebook, as he did to some of her family (talk about being innapropriate). Some accepted him, but she didn't. So I guess she was left feeling hurt and wants nothing to do with him. Which she's right about. Edited June 15, 2014 by C00kie 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 Hi Hope Here's something I didn't get - she waited for 10 years? Did they mantain contact at all during those years? Because if they didn't, why did she keep waiting? It's a long time and it would become obvious that he moved on. I don't know if I got the story right. My xMM has had another OW too, back in 2006. I found her on facebook. I kind of feel sorry for her/empathize with her. She was younger than him, as I am. I know things didn't end on good terms, because he said he would leave for her and ended up not leaving. She must have gone through hell but she seems fine now, got married and all that. I know for a fact he sent her an invitation on facebook, as he did to some of her family (talk about being innapropriate). Some accepted him, but she didn't. So I guess she was left feeling hurt and wants nothing to do with him. Which she's right about. Your first paragraph - that's why he was able to convince me she was nuts. Who waits around that long? I was sure they had to be in contact. But it was clear from her email to him and his back to her that they had not. And I exchanged a few emails with her too and she told me they had not, but she claimed that they were in a relationship and he had asked her to wait until he could contact her again. She was shocked to find that he was with me. So what on earth did he say to her to keep her hanging on that long? It had to be way more than he told me. Or was she just crazy? I just don't know. I do know he made me crazy so maybe that's what happened to her too. I'm glad your exMMs exAP moved on. That Facebook thing is just nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Your first paragraph - that's why he was able to convince me she was nuts. Who waits around that long? I was sure they had to be in contact. But it was clear from her email to him and his back to her that they had not. And I exchanged a few emails with her too and she told me they had not, but she claimed that they were in a relationship and he had asked her to wait until he could contact her again. She was shocked to find that he was with me. So what on earth did he say to her to keep her hanging on that long? It had to be way more than he told me. Or was she just crazy? I just don't know. I do know he made me crazy so maybe that's what happened to her too. I'm glad your exMMs exAP moved on. That Facebook thing is just nuts. He could have said something to keep her hanging, but if she waited that long without a word from him I'm guessing she was a bit (well, a lot) out of her mind too (not judging though). Thank you for saying the fb thing is nuts. He'd tell me it's only natural to add people you know and that it means nothing. It does mean something to me. It's important to know boundaries. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Your first paragraph - that's why he was able to convince me she was nuts. Who waits around that long? I was sure they had to be in contact. But it was clear from her email to him and his back to her that they had not. And I exchanged a few emails with her too and she told me they had not, but she claimed that they were in a relationship and he had asked her to wait until he could contact her again. She was shocked to find that he was with me. So what on earth did he say to her to keep her hanging on that long? It had to be way more than he told me. Or was she just crazy? I just don't know. I do know he made me crazy so maybe that's what happened to her too. I'm glad your exMMs exAP moved on. That Facebook thing is just nuts. well. it does sound a touch crazy to be honest. Who waits that long in silence and then expects results at the end? Not likely a very stable person. It seems as if he searches out for women who are weak. You weren't weak and didn't know what to do about it. Good you are out of his grasp. I agree with you about not telling the BS if she doesn't want to know. It is just that he gets me so mad! What a jerk. Oh ten years older is so undesirable now? Why didn't it bother him ten years ago? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 I think the age thing bothered him later because she was approaching an age that sounded very old to him, moreso than before. Or maybe it was just an excuse. Who knows. Pachuca, it doesn't make me think anything different about him than I know now, except that I realize that I probably know only a fraction of what really went on. And the odds that she was the only one are slim. He only told me the truth about her because he had no choice when she surfaced out of nowhere. Had I known at the beginning that would have made all the difference to me and he knew it. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 this reminds me so much of my xMM. I saw suspicious behavior on some his beautiful female Pinterest followers and I would confront him. His story would switch from "I only flirted a little bit with them" to "I never flirted" to me reminding him that he previously told me that he flirted and him saying "Well, that has stopped now that I met you" Yeah yea yeah. UGh these people. Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 "Well, that has stopped now that I met you" Hmm..to stop his other ecstasy because he met you..in a way it could be an ego boost to you (didn't it?). Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 (edited) Hmm..to stop his other ecstasy because he met you..in a way it could be an ego boost to you (didn't it?). Are you kidding? I didn't want any of it. Him flirting with other girls meant that I was nobody to him. I was just another number. I thought what we had was special but would keep denying pretty obvious signs that I was not. It hurt my ego to think that this was a habit. He just kept changing his story, that is my only point. It was obvious he was flirting all along and likely kept continuing with it even while he focused on me. That was him attempting to show how serious he was about me, but I ddn't believe him. You have to understand that although I was happy enough to share him with his wife, I started to fall in love with him. It wasn't all about ego. My ego was getting destroyed, but I loved so much about him. He was a brilliant artist and extremely intelligent. I was forming an entire future around him. I wanted him to love me in the same way. I didn't want to be a number flirting first and stopping made no difference. Just know he was that way proved to me that I wasn't special. Edited June 15, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Hope, do you know if your exMM ever felt close to either of his parents? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope Shimmers Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 Hope, do you know if your exMM ever felt close to either of his parents? He is somewhat close to his mom but came from a huge family (like 12 kids) and his father was not a good father at all. Abusive situation, poverty, really rough childhood. His father finally left and never came back. Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Are you kidding?... CMOW, sorry that I sound crass, and sorry that you fell in love in that unlucky situation. I know your story and follow your thread, I really shouldn't yet again make an assumption like that. Glad however that you saw both sides of him, the good and the ugly, and decided to end the EA. HS, whether the xAP's OOW is a bit weird or not, the thing that happened to her was really unjust. Credit to you, because at least you are the one who set her free. What is clear now is that man is capable of trapping other person's hope and life for years, be it by continuing an affair, or by asking for some time. Btw, I hope you don't mind me replying to CMOW here. Be strong, and take care both of you. Be patient, there will be someone right who'll see you in a real special way and love you in the same way you are capable of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 (edited) He is somewhat close to his mom but came from a huge family (like 12 kids) and his father was not a good father at all. Abusive situation, poverty, really rough childhood. His father finally left and never came back. From what you've posted about him, it seems the two of you may be very different from each other. And, yet, often opposites attract. Edited June 16, 2014 by Speakingofwhich Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 CMOW, sorry that I sound crass, and sorry that you fell in love in that unlucky situation. I know your story and follow your thread, I really shouldn't yet again make an assumption like that. Glad however that you saw both sides of him, the good and the ugly, and decided to end the EA. HS, whether the xAP's OOW is a bit weird or not, the thing that happened to her was really unjust. Credit to you, because at least you are the one who set her free. What is clear now is that man is capable of trapping other person's hope and life for years, be it by continuing an affair, or by asking for some time. Btw, I hope you don't mind me replying to CMOW here. Be strong, and take care both of you. Be patient, there will be someone right who'll see you in a real special way and love you in the same way you are capable of. Thanks! No worries. Misunderstanding with text is normal. The subject has me bitter overall. I am already finding peace so it is moving along. I just hope my xMM had learnt a lesson through our EA and doesn't prey on any more women, however I suspect he still is, Link to post Share on other sites
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