What should I do?!

[sweetie7]

So, my bf and I have been together for 8 months. We met in the summer and had an intense, really awesome relationship. He left to go to school in the fall (about 4 hrs away) while I stayed in the area to finish my last semester of college. Everything was fine, except we'd often have stupid arguments. Always the, "Why didn't you call me?" or "Why can't I see you this weekend?" arguments. Anyway, he came home in Dec. as he didn't like his school and is transferring in the fall, for now he is living at home and working while taking a few classes. Since he's been home we had been fighting non-stop. Once again, mostly "Why won't you come over?" "I want to see you" type arguments. When we aren't fighting we have SO much fun together and are so close.

 

Well he's also really close to his family and since he's been home they have had a few troubles (illness) and he had completely backed away from me. Last week, he said he needed a few days apart, and I'll admit I kind of flipped out. I just cried a lot and what not. So we didn't talk for almost a week and i called him last night and told him he had to tell me what was going on bc it wasn't fair to me. So he left a message on my cell today saying he loves me and misses me but we just fight too much and are too serious for being so young (22). Well I called him back and basically just told him how much I love him and how much I would compromise to be with him (i.e. not see him everyday) He wasn't budging bc he said he knows we won't stop fighting. I, personally, think it's ridiculous that we can be so much in love, have so much fun together, and have such a great physical connection and not be together. After this week apart, I realize what it's like not to have him in my life and will do anything to keep him in it. I guess I also realized that I can go out with my friends and have fun and therefore don't need to see him every night. Are phone convo bascially went from talking about "us" to talking about what each of us had done during the week back to talking about "us" I just kept telling him I love him and really want to be with him. So at the end of our phone convo (his mom needed the phone) he was like, "Well, I really have to go...but let's talk later? okay?" And he sounded sad. Okay, so I guess my question is, do you think I'm pushing him too much? I don't want him to get back together with me bc he feels bad for me, nor do I want to be pathetically chasing after him. I just know what I want and I know I love him. I guess I will see if he calls me tonight or tomorrow. Uhh it's so frustrating when you just want to be with someone and you can't!

[Pocky]

If part of the reason why he ended the relationship was because he felt you took the relationship too seriously then I'd suggest easing off a bit. Personally, I feel that arguing about trivial things like why someone didn't call is a sign of insecurity regarding the relationship. Squeezing something tightly doesn't help you keep it longer, it just leaves you with nothing left to squeeze.

 

Give him some space - he knows you love him and you want to get back together again. Let him call you. Be calm when you talk. Don't pressure the relationship topic and keep it lighthearted. Forget about everything in the past and just have fun together. Hopefully, he'll realize how you've changed and he'll know whether or not the relationship is something he really wants.

[sweetie7]

Thank you Pocky, I think your advice is really good. At the same time, yes I did take the relationship very seriously. But I felt that most of the time, especially in the beginning, he did too. He can be very needy and was always wanting to be with me and wanting me to hug him, talk to him, etc. BUT on his own time. When he is not in the mood and I am, he thinks I am being too needy. Anway, I probably will follow your advice and hope that he wants to be with me enough to give it another try!

[sweetie7]

Okay so I broke down and called him; I'm an idiot I just said "Just saying hi, I miss talking to you" He called me back and we talked for almost an hour, just about our days and stuff in general. We didn't talk about "us." I felt good hanging up with him but now I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow when he doesn't call. When we were hanging up, I said "I miss you" and he said, "I miss you too" and when I said, "I love you" he said, "I love you too." THen he said, "I'll talk to you soon," whatever that means. Sooo I am definitely NOT going to call him tomorrow and hope that he calls me, but if not, then that's okay too...I guess.

[Pocky]

Give it some time. Let a few days pass before you start worrying as to whether or not his actions should be analyzed. Sometimes people just need space and a few days really isn't that long.

[sweetie7]

Okay so he called me a bunch of times today because he wanted me to edit a paper for him...obvi. I did it and helped him a bunch, then we just talked normally and stuff. He just called me again a little while ago and asked if I wanted to get some dinner with him because "we need to talk." Oh wonderful, I love those words. I REALLY don't want to go but I need to get it over with so I can move on. Plus he's taking me to a really nice restaurant. I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. All I can say is, roomie better be ready to take me to the bar when I get home!!! Wish me luck!!

[Pocky]

What happened?

[sweetie7]

Thank you for caring!! I CANNOT believe that everything is actually working out right now!!

So, he picked me up and we went to dinner...had normal convo the whole time; at every lull I expected him to start the "talk" but he didn't. After dinner we went to the bookstore and then went back to my apt. and he still hadn't said anything. He pulled up in front of my apt. and I was like okkkay. Sooo. It was kinda quiet for a while and I was like, "Do you want me to go now" and he was like, "No, I didn't say that." So finally I was like, "I thought you wanted to talk..." and he was like, "I don't know...I think we're okay right? we don't really have to talk." And I was like what the hell...yeah wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to talk but I couldn't just let it go so I said, "No, I think we definitely need to talk." So then he finally came in my apt. and we just sat around for a while and finally he started hugging me and telling me he really wanted to be with me but he just couldn't hang out ALL the time and he didn't want me getting mad at him bc of it. We talked for a while and hugged and kissed, etc etc. I understand that it's hard for him, esp. since I don't have a car right now so anytime we hang out, he has to drive to my place (abt. 15 mins from his house) and he has to work and help out with his fam and play hockey. SO even though I would LOVE to see him all the time, I am just soooo happy that he still wants to be with me!! I just made sure that we would still have the same commitment to each other and he said yes, "I don't want to be with any other girl." So I went to bed happy and then he called me this morn after his class which is right where I live and came over to get something he left at my apt. and ended up hanging out for a couple hours and taking me to lunch.

I really thought that I had lost him for good but now I see that he just needed some space and he said that the time we spent apart made him miss me like crazy. Hopefully everything continues to go well...Thanks so much for your help and concern Pocky!