LDR has started and I already don't know how to communicate

[lamaga]

So my LDR started 4 days ago and I already have issues with communicating with my boyfriend. This has been an issue before we went into the LDR. So far so good: He left Wednesday and said he would call when he gets home. He sent a quick text, ok, and called the next morning first thing when he woke up. The next day he skyped me in the evening. All good so far. The day after that, though, which was yesterday, I sent him a photo of us on Whatsapp (not sure why I did that, I guess I missed him and wanted to remind him of that one day we went to the beach)... and he just wrote back "i don't look happy in that picture. i don't like it".... I sent another one where we both smile like crazy and wrote "better?" and he didn't respond. he kept being online and never responded. i don't know.... i already feel like a fool believing he wants to not be with me anymore because of what he said about the picture. i know it sounds stupid, but i get hung up on these little things, and he knows this, so I am not sure why he would write something like that. One day he can be the sweetest guy and the next day he is just short, pragmatic, un-empathetic. I mean, the day before he rushed home after finish watching the game at his friend's house, called me on Skype while getting still into the door and taking his shoes off, saying "i couldn't wait to hear your voice". and today he doesn't respond to a sweet text of mine. it is to add that the day before I didn't contact him at all. it was all his initiative. every time it is is initiative he is super sweet, when its from me there is barely any response. it seems as if contact only works when HE desires it, and that's NOT ok.

 

So when I don't contact him, he contacts me eventually, and that is every day or every second day at least, either via Facebook, Skype or whatsapp (but not so much, he HATES texting and already never did that when we were living in the same place). So... when he left we said we would Skype once a week and write each other a letter each week, but we will see how it goes and said I will "text him all the time anyway" so there will be a lot of contact.

 

But of course I need MORE contact than him - and he knows it. I think he is/will make an effort somehow, but I also think I OVERTHINK every single text and every single action of his, which gets worse when I write something from my initiative and it doesn't get acknowledged right away or not at all... I just don't get what the issue is with not responding... I mean he is online writing with other people, why can't he respond to me too? I get crazy with my worries and then wonder, well, maybe he just really doesn't want to respond? EVERYTIME I get worked up and then when he calls eventually, there is always a good explanation for everything and I realise I worried for NO REASON AT ALL.

 

If I let it go, if I don't write anything at all ever, and just let him do all the contacting, I don't feel too bad, really. It is still enough contact for me, because he really is making an effort.

It's just that I always feel so bad when I write something from my initiative and he doesn't respond right away/at all/with something pragmatic and small.

 

The thing is, he really texts and Facebook chats a lot with other people. He always writes short, snappy things to me. He told me it is because we see each other every day and he rather has real life interaction with me. Ok, get it. But now we are apart and need to find different ways to communicate. I HAVE THE DESIRE to write to him every day, something sweet, or something I did, something I want to share... But here is the devils cycle, if I do that, I feel he gets annoyed by me or bored by me, that it's not exciting anymore... I think he likes it when he doesn't know what I am doing all the time and instead gets to hear 2 days later what I did in the two days, on the Skype.

 

I just feel incredibly stupid every time I send something. But I don't want to stop doing it because I don't want to stop being me. But I also don't want to sit here waiting for responses when I know there won't be any.

 

How do I find balance with this contacting thing? Should I stop communication for a few days and see how he reacts? Should I just chill, since it has only been 4 days and there will be probably a change in his contacting behaviour over the next week or so?

All of our common friends tell me they think he will snap sooner or later because he will realise how much he actually misses me, and contact me so much that I will get sick of it... I think I could see that coming as well.. but yeah, it's not something I want, I just want there to be a balance, and right now there isn't -simply because I can't figure out if I should contact him every time I want to, but then feel bad if he doesn't answer, or if I should stop contacting him so I don't have to worry, but this means I wouldn't be myself, or if there is a way to meet in the middle of these two options..?

Edited June 15, 2014 by lamaga

[TAV]

Is there a time difference that is unfavourable to him? Is that why he does not respond? Or is he busy setting up his new life, moving into a new place or arranging school/work and is that why he goes quiet on you. Maybe your life is pretty much the same but all hell has broken lose on his side??

 

And no, it is not ok indeed that he only wants to talk when he feels like it; when he takes the initiave. That's not ok in any relationship, LD or not. A relationship is supposed to meet both of your needs.

 

You should not start with playing games, like going quiet on him. You should have an open and honest conversation with him about this. Give him a chance. If a talk doesn't work you can still use psychological warfare to put your point across.

Edited June 15, 2014 by TAV

[d0nnivain]

Write him newsy happy upbeat notes about what you are doing & stop keeping score about how much he writes back to you or that he writes more to others.

 

Ask for more detailed updates about his days & adventures in the new place but turn your brain off & stop over thinking every word. You will make yourself nuts & that will destroy the relationship.

[justwhoiam]

So, is this the same boyfriend you had last year?

 

Why are you OK with being disrespected? I don't get it. If he doesn't acknowledge your texts, not even saying "hi", but looking forward to talking to other people on facebook, or uploading any crap content online, but just ignoring you, that's not OK. I'm not tit for tat, but really, the least you can do in this case is ignoring him as soon as he feels like talking to you after a few days. At least, he'll know what it means to feel like a nobody for someone.

[LLQ1986]

So, is this the same boyfriend you had last year?

 

Why are you OK with being disrespected? I don't get it. If he doesn't acknowledge your texts, not even saying "hi", but looking forward to talking to other people on facebook, or uploading any crap content online, but just ignoring you, that's not OK. I'm not tit for tat, but really, the least you can do in this case is ignoring him as soon as he feels like talking to you after a few days. At least, he'll know what it means to feel like a nobody for someone.

 

 

PREACH.

 

I stopped talking to a guy when I found out that he was rather active on some social networking sites/apps while responding coldly to me or sometimes ignoring me.

 

I was tired of constantly checking my phone. I really am.

[lamaga]

PREACH.

 

I stopped talking to a guy when I found out that he was rather active on some social networking sites/apps while responding coldly to me or sometimes ignoring me.

 

I was tired of constantly checking my phone. I really am.

 

Wait so you want me to just stop initiating contact, or want me to stop reacting even to whenever he contacts me?

[Els]

OP, why are you still struggling with this? This guy has made it clear, based on your previous threads, that he isn't going to give you what you need to be able to be in a happy, secure LDR. This communication problem is only a symptom of the greater issue.

 

You say, "But he says he loves me!" I ask, "Even if he meant it, does it matter? You are so unhappy in this R, for good reason."

 

LDRs are hard but not for the reasons you are suffering from. Time to move on, girl...

[lamaga]

OP, why are you still struggling with this? This guy has made it clear, based on your previous threads, that he isn't going to give you what you need to be able to be in a happy, secure LDR. This communication problem is only a symptom of the greater issue.

 

You say, "But he says he loves me!" I ask, "Even if he meant it, does it matter? You are so unhappy in this R, for good reason."

 

LDRs are hard but not for the reasons you are suffering from. Time to move on, girl...

 

 

Ok so you think I should end it?

[Els]

Ok so you think I should end it?

 

In my opinion (based on your previous threads as well, not just this one), yes.

 

It's still your decision at the end of the day, of course.

[Frank2thepoint]

Ok so you think I should end it?

 

This is not about our opinion. We can advise you as best as possible, each of us drawing from own experiences, which influences our advice to you. You have to make this decision on your own. If you are unhappy now, it will get worse for you, to the point you may even push him to resent you. Or you can try to get through this brief interlude of your relationship, but will require you to be patient. Again, this is your choice.

[lamaga]

This is not about our opinion. We can advise you as best as possible, each of us drawing from own experiences, which influences our advice to you. You have to make this decision on your own. If you are unhappy now, it will get worse for you, to the point you may even push him to resent you. Or you can try to get through this brief interlude of your relationship, but will require you to be patient. Again, this is your choice.

 

 

I don't see how I would push him to resent me. He loves me very much and shows me this a lot. I never do anything that could make him resent me, in fact I am always understanding and supportive in all of his endeavours and life decisions. We are a good team but he really lacks communication, doesn't mean I am unhappy in my relationship, it is just a vital aspect of it, but I think it can be resolved.

We talked for a bit on the phone tonight, not much because he needs to get up early tomorrow, but we talked and I told him I need a bit more of input from his side and he said he understands and will try a bit more so we can meet in the middle. I mean, it's been really also a problem because I didn't know how to best communicate to him that I need more communication... because of my worry that it will come off as whiny or needy. But I think I went poised about addressing it and he took it to heart. It was a good conversation and we are on the same page again, will see how things develop from here.

He is an amazing guy and a really good boyfriend, so I am confident he will do his best to meet my needs. if it should continue to be a problem, I will have to make a decision, but I think for now things will be good and improving - i have good hopes. xx

[lamaga]

Is there a time difference that is unfavourable to him? Is that why he does not respond? Or is he busy setting up his new life, moving into a new place or arranging school/work and is that why he goes quiet on you. Maybe your life is pretty much the same but all hell has broken lose on his side??

 

And no, it is not ok indeed that he only wants to talk when he feels like it; when he takes the initiave. That's not ok in any relationship, LD or not. A relationship is supposed to meet both of your needs.

 

You should not start with playing games, like going quiet on him. You should have an open and honest conversation with him about this. Give him a chance. If a talk doesn't work you can still use psychological warfare to put your point across.

 

 

No time difference yet, but soon there will be, which scares me a lot.

But we have talked and it turned out he was really busy preparing things for his semester abroad and also was working a lot, so I guess there is an excuse... Told him I need more from him and he said he knows and will try to meet me in the middle. So far so good... will see how it goes.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I don't think this is going to work. Call me a pessimist, cynical, and so on. But I don't see a long-term LDR working out well for this relationship. Based on all your previous threads, it just doesn't appear as though he's as invested as you. Every time you post your concerns here, and we offer feedback, you refute it and try to convince us (but more so, yourself) that he's actually really in love with you, that you over-think everything, that everything is just fine. And then you post about some other problem that indicates an imbalance in the relationship. The extended time and absence are going to highlight this problem.

[Frank2thepoint]

Every time you post your concerns here, and we offer feedback, you refute it and try to convince us (but more so, yourself) that he's actually really in love with you, that you over-think everything, that everything is just fine. And then you post about some other problem that indicates an imbalance in the relationship. The extended time and absence are going to highlight this problem.

 

This indeed. I agree.

 

 

We are a good team but he really lacks communication

 

In a relationship, this statement is an oxymoron. A good team has good communication.

 

 

doesn't mean I am unhappy in my relationship, it is just a vital aspect of it, but I think it can be resolved.

 

Drawing from your previous posts, yes you are unhappy. And as you said, it is a vital aspect which is missing. When something vital is missing from the relationship, it makes one person unhappy.

 

 

I mean, it's been really also a problem because I didn't know how to best communicate to him that I need more communication... because of my worry that it will come off as whiny or needy.

 

Now we have found the crux of the matter. Both of you have a problem with communication. This signifies it's an uphill battle to make this relationship work. If you can't find a way to convey how you want him to communicate with you, especially if you are fearful of looking needy, then this relationship will not survive. You will continue to hurt. Also, in a relationship, there should be no fear of communicating simple requests.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I do think that even though you post about somewhat different issues, there is one core issue: you are more in love than he is. It is obvious from all his actions. You can sense it too and that's why there is so much anxiety and feeling on edge.

 

Personally, I have been in your shoes and wish I abandoned ship way earlier. Your situation has the potential to drag on for years and you are going to look back and have many regrets for the time wasted. The choice is yours.

[lamaga]

I do think that even though you post about somewhat different issues, there is one core issue: you are more in love than he is. It is obvious from all his actions. You can sense it too and that's why there is so much anxiety and feeling on edge.

 

Personally, I have been in your shoes and wish I abandoned ship way earlier. Your situation has the potential to drag on for years and you are going to look back and have many regrets for the time wasted. The choice is yours.

 

 

How do you know this without knowing us completely? All you hear is me whining whenever there is a problem I want some advice for.

 

I was asking for advice on how to better communicate my issues -- and I was certainly not asking for the most negative feedback there could ever be. I am not sure why you guys are always so negative about my relationship, but all of you said months ago it's not gonna happen and well, here I am, happy and in love, and you still find a way to make me feel like ****.

This forum makes me unhappy, not my relationship.

I come for advice, not for negativity.

 

And you don't know how much I love him or how much he loves me. This guy has professed to me that I am the best thing in his life and that he's never met anyone like me and that he loves me so much he even introduced me to his parents, something he'd never done before. This guy is not good at communication, and I want more of it, of course that's a darn issue, doesn't mean we don't love each other or that he loves me less than I love him. I wrote earlier that we had a conversation about our issues and that things are much better now and he's been making such an effort of keeping in touch, because he knows he sucks at it but wants me to be happy and tries to meet me in the middle. Things are actually getting BETTER and you guys still try to paint the devil to the wall. And always the same people too, who just feel the need to make other people feel ****ty.

 

I can tell you as much, today I felt really good about my relationship until I read your posts. You are the ones making me insecure, not my relationship.

Edited June 17, 2014 by lamaga

[MidwestUSA]

Then I guess you know what your answer is.

 

Wow.

[Anela]

Sign up with a site like 750words, which is private, and vent your worries there, every day or night.

 

ES and others are only trying to save you some grief, you know. They've stressed and worried like this, and know how it goes. I only skimmed your posts (I'm really tired), but you don't sound as happy as you say you are, if you're needing more time with him, and venting about it here. maybe if you write everything down privately, and let him do the contacting, he'll initiate more often. If he doesn't, then find someone who wants to spend more time with you.

[Imajerk17]

Lamaga, you seem extremely insecure. Lets do the math here. He has been gone 4 days and you wrote a novel over something so trivial. Do you really have time to be writing a book a week on this? Dont you have anything else to occupy your time?

Edited June 18, 2014 by Imajerk17

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, think about it: your boyfriend has been gone less than a week and you're already in a panic. That is an insecurity issue. Not a communication issue.

[lamaga]

I am not in panic. I am very calm actually. The first few days have been extremely difficult for me because I had no clue how it would be to be without him for 8 months. And it IS F****ING difficult, don't tell me it is not.

WE had communication issues before and of course I am insecure about it not working out.

But I was just told by someone who doesn't know us that my boyfriend doesn't seem to really love me. WTF? How can you say that without knowing him/us?

I find it extremely ridiculous that you make such assumptions.

I was only asking for advice on how to better communicate during an 8 months separation from my partner, nothing more.

Of course I am f***ing insecure, what do you think? 8 months is a long time and I have never done this before for such a long time and with such crazy distance.

[Els]

No, I agree that you are overreacting. I don't generally support people hankering at someone to leave, and especially not in a mean/bullying fashion. But ES only said it once (and quite civilly), and you went off violently at her. It does make people wonder if this is how you also approach your relationship. And I won't be so bold as to KNOW whether or not your bf loves you, but it's pretty obvious that he's triggering all your insecurities/anxieties and he isn't giving you what you need. Whose fault is that - well, I don't presume to know either.

 

You have every right to do whatever you want to do, but if you cannot handle civil advice then why are you posting to ask for opinions?

[lamaga]

No, I agree that you are overreacting. I don't generally support people hankering at someone to leave, and especially not in a mean/bullying fashion. But ES only said it once (and quite civilly), and you went off violently at her. It does make people wonder if this is how you also approach your relationship. And I won't be so bold as to KNOW whether or not your bf loves you, but it's pretty obvious that he's triggering all your insecurities/anxieties and he isn't giving you what you need. Whose fault is that - well, I don't presume to know either.

 

You have every right to do whatever you want to do, but if you cannot handle civil advice then why are you posting to ask for opinions?

 

Violently?

You guys... Why can't you leave it be and keep putting salt in the wound?

Don't you have anything better to do?

Especially after I said I have resolved my main issue?

[MidwestUSA]

You not only overreact, you post hysterically, and I don't mean 'funny' hysterical.

 

Here's a thread title from June 14th, 2013:

 

BF of 2 months is leaving for 6 months. How to proceed?

 

Honestly, the only common factor in all of this is you. It might be time to take a look at yourself, and stop repeating the same mistakes over and over.

 

A lot of well meaning, intelligent, experienced people here have taken the time to reply to you repeatedly regarding your relationship issues. And none of it sinks in; you pick and choose what you want to hear. Now you've told off several of the most respected members here.

 

Here's my advice regarding your current sitch. Your guy has been away for all of four days. He's in a new place full of new people and experiences. Jeez, give him some time to acclimate. So what if he's posting on Facebook and talking online with others?

 

I thought you'd worked out your communication schedule before he left, but you always want more, and more, and more. He's young, and that, if nothing else, should bother you. He might love you, but I'm pretty sure he'll outgrow this relationship. FWIW.

[Anela]

I am not in panic. I am very calm actually. The first few days have been extremely difficult for me because I had no clue how it would be to be without him for 8 months. And it IS F****ING difficult, don't tell me it is not.

WE had communication issues before and of course I am insecure about it not working out.

But I was just told by someone who doesn't know us that my boyfriend doesn't seem to really love me. WTF? How can you say that without knowing him/us?

I find it extremely ridiculous that you make such assumptions.

I was only asking for advice on how to better communicate during an 8 months separation from my partner, nothing more.

Of course I am f***ing insecure, what do you think? 8 months is a long time and I have never done this before for such a long time and with such crazy distance.

 

That's why I recommended that website: put it all out there, or even better, in a journal, with a pen. It can at least release some of that tension/frustration. You can spill all of your worries there, and don't be concerned about repeating yourself - just get it out. Then see how it goes with your boyfriend.