Anela Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Violently? You guys... Why can't you leave it be and keep putting salt in the wound? Don't you have anything better to do? Especially after I said I have resolved my main issue? Your anxiety is extremely apparent in your post, and it's easy to get defensive if you don't like what you're hearing - I know, it happens to me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Violently? You guys... Why can't you leave it be and keep putting salt in the wound? Don't you have anything better to do? Especially after I said I have resolved my main issue? Why do you believe that everything said to you (aside from what you want to hear) is out of malicious intent to make you feel bad? At any rate, yes, I'm not going to spend any more of my time commenting on your thread. As I said, it's your prerogative to choose. I was simply responding to your attack on the people who were kind enough to take the time to help you, that was precipitated by you receiving advice that you didn't like to hear. Good luck in your R, lamaga. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 I do think that even though you post about somewhat different issues, there is one core issue: you are more in love than he is. It is obvious from all his actions. You can sense it too and that's why there is so much anxiety and feeling on edge. Personally, I have been in your shoes and wish I abandoned ship way earlier. Your situation has the potential to drag on for years and you are going to look back and have many regrets for the time wasted. The choice is yours. I have gotten the same impression from every thread she's posted about him. I've been there, too. It's a unique pain I don't ever want to repeat. But I think she's going to have to learn it the hard way. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 hey, you have received some really insightful advice ....now you go with what you find useful and discard what you dont, you thank the people who offered and you learn what is right for you often the most peaceful feelings comes when you offer thanks to someone else.....to realize that sometimes you dont know all the answers, but someone might enlighten you with an answer that is right for you even if they dont have the answer, thank them for the sentiment as such...in caring to reply..... how i often find answers for myself, without asking direct questions to others is to give advice to others on here with similar problems...so its a payback or forward scheme i have going.....i give it from my heart as if it were to be to a beloved i was chatting to........because that advice is always honest..... so what would you advise a beloved if they were to come to you with the problem you have now......what is your honest advice you would gie to another....do it without bias..... listen deeply to that...that's your heart telling ...your heart will never want anything but the best for a beloved and that includes you...try to include humor for at least on esmile.....and then that smile will be yours as well......good luck ...deb 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamaga Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 You not only overreact, you post hysterically, and I don't mean 'funny' hysterical. Here's a thread title from June 14th, 2013: BF of 2 months is leaving for 6 months. How to proceed? Honestly, the only common factor in all of this is you. It might be time to take a look at yourself, and stop repeating the same mistakes over and over. A lot of well meaning, intelligent, experienced people here have taken the time to reply to you repeatedly regarding your relationship issues. And none of it sinks in; you pick and choose what you want to hear. Now you've told off several of the most respected members here. Here's my advice regarding your current sitch. Your guy has been away for all of four days. He's in a new place full of new people and experiences. Jeez, give him some time to acclimate. So what if he's posting on Facebook and talking online with others? I thought you'd worked out your communication schedule before he left, but you always want more, and more, and more. He's young, and that, if nothing else, should bother you. He might love you, but I'm pretty sure he'll outgrow this relationship. FWIW. I tend to be so lucky to always get involved with men who are leaving to a different place... Last year it didn't work out because we weren't together long enough to make it work, also he made it very clear that it won't work. But this time I am with someone who has professed his love for me and who says he wants it to work, also it is only temporarily and he is coming back... it is doable. Of course I am insecure, I have always been insecure, it's not something one can fix right away. We have been in good contact the past few days and talked about communication issues and things are going well, I have said in an earlier post the same, and I feel a lot better already about everything. You keep telling me He's gonna leave me. WTF? Link to post Share on other sites
Glinda.Good Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 OP, think about it: your boyfriend has been gone less than a week and you're already in a panic. That is an insecurity issue. Not a communication issue. And that is why he probably ALREADY resents you. I'm sorry to say it. You sound very needy and smothering, even at a distance. You need to leave him space to respond to you and your relationship on his own terms, and then realistically deal with what you receive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 But this time I am with someone who has professed his love for me and who says he wants it to work, also it is only temporarily and he is coming back... it is doable. Of course I am insecure, I have always been insecure, it's not something one can fix right away. We have been in good contact the past few days and talked about communication issues and things are going well, I have said in an earlier post the same, and I feel a lot better already about everything. I'm glad you have had some good communications recently. I would expect nothing less since he hasn't been gone a week yet. You can't keep up this fretful pace for 8 months. It will burn you out. If you are admitted insecure, what are you going to do about helping yourself overcome that? You have 8 months of "free time" while he is a away. As for suppressing your own desires to avoid coming across as whiney, clingy or needy, you can't fake a relationship. You have to be yourself. Everybody is needy once in a while. In a healthy relationship, if you are not getting your needs met, it's expected that you will disclose that you to your partner & that person will work to help you get what you want. It goes both ways; sometimes you may have to do things to support the other person too. Have you told him specifically what you want him to do? try that. Men aren't mind readers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamaga Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 And that is why he probably ALREADY resents you. I'm sorry to say it. You sound very needy and smothering, even at a distance. You need to leave him space to respond to you and your relationship on his own terms, and then realistically deal with what you receive. Oh my god, you guys keep doing this... you have no clue whats going on between us based on what you are saying here. He doesn't resent me. He is initiating let's say 70% of the contact, he calls and texts me whenever he feels like it and it has been way more than I would have expected. I have held back a bit the first days but now we are at a pretty good pace of communicating with each other and it is getting better by the day. We both are trying to figure out the best solution for this. Why would he resent me? I have not shown any neediness, smothering or any of that to him. I have given him the space he needed, which is why I was so sad in the first few days because he didn't have much time to contact me at the beginning. So I basically did exactly what you are saying, I left him space to respond to me on his own terms and I enjoy what I receive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamaga Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 I'm glad you have had some good communications recently. I would expect nothing less since he hasn't been gone a week yet. You can't keep up this fretful pace for 8 months. It will burn you out. If you are admitted insecure, what are you going to do about helping yourself overcome that? You have 8 months of "free time" while he is a away. As for suppressing your own desires to avoid coming across as whiney, clingy or needy, you can't fake a relationship. You have to be yourself. Everybody is needy once in a while. In a healthy relationship, if you are not getting your needs met, it's expected that you will disclose that you to your partner & that person will work to help you get what you want. It goes both ways; sometimes you may have to do things to support the other person too. Have you told him specifically what you want him to do? try that. Men aren't mind readers. I am seeing a therapist, who is helping me with my current end-20s identity crisis and we are also dealing with a lot of my deeply rooted insecurities. I also have made a plan with things I want to finish in the time frame, have started running again, and I will be very busy next semester with my studies. I think I will be fine. It was the panic in the first week that really drove me insane but things have calmed down and I feel much better now, more secure and more calm, and overall confident about our relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) For sure, it took you 4 days to let us know that you have a new boyfriend. I'm not sure if this is the third one, since when you started writing on LS. Anyway, ES just spoke the truth. Just few days ago he clearly told you to hold on for a month and then decide if he feels like trying out LD. That doesn't scream "I can't live without you", it means "I'm ready to check out of this eventually". So my LDR started 4 days ago How long have you been together with this guy? If I got it right, this R started in 2014, so it's pretty fresh. he didn't respond. he kept being online and never responded. ... One day he can be the sweetest guy and the next day he is just short, pragmatic, un-empathetic My guesses: 1) he's moody, full of ups and downs, and if you get the lucky day, you'll be fine, but when he gets off on the wrong foot, he'll just steer clear. Should that be your case, how do you intend to proceed with this relationship? Is it something you can sustain long-term, also considering you have your own issues and are currently in therapy? 2) he learned your ways and thinks you overreact, often making a hill out of a mole. For this reason, he might underestimate your feelings and think that it's better he doesn't give you enough rope or you'll end up ruining things. 3) he feels you're suffocating and ignores you now and then to get some space to himself There might be other possible explanations, but less plausible. Edited June 20, 2014 by justwhoiam Link to post Share on other sites
Glinda.Good Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Oh my god, you guys keep doing this... you have no clue whats going on between us based on what you are saying here.. The reason people have the opinions they do about you and your relationship is 100% from what YOU have said. You might want to read your own posting history and try to look at the whole thing from an outside perspective. It does not look good. You do say you love each other, but aside from that, there are tons of issues and angst. Anyway, I do wish you the best possible outcome with this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sene21 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 So my LDR started 4 days ago and I already have issues with communicating with my boyfriend. This has been an issue before we went into the LDR. So far so good: He left Wednesday and said he would call when he gets home. He sent a quick text, ok, and called the next morning first thing when he woke up. The next day he skyped me in the evening. All good so far. The day after that, though, which was yesterday, I sent him a photo of us on Whatsapp (not sure why I did that, I guess I missed him and wanted to remind him of that one day we went to the beach)... and he just wrote back "i don't look happy in that picture. i don't like it".... I sent another one where we both smile like crazy and wrote "better?" Ok I was in a LDR all my life because I attended school in MA and since I didnt really like guys in the state I always ended up with a guy in my own state, NewYork. I can tell you this, everyone is different. If you nag him about not calling you or texting him back IT WILL END THE RELATIONSHIP. Theres no rules when you are in a LDR. The truth is, if he really likes you and wants to actually have a LDR with you he will put effort in. Have one long convo about communication and be done with it. Don't nag him, meaning don't make it an issue every time he doesnt call you or text you back right away. When you see he's really not engaging , text him once then occupy your time, it will be hard but you will give him enough time to miss you. GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO MISS YOU & STOP WITH THE ON GOING PICS AND MSGS BUT DO KEEP TABS ON HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamaga Posted June 20, 2014 Author Share Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) Ok I was in a LDR all my life because I attended school in MA and since I didnt really like guys in the state I always ended up with a guy in my own state, NewYork. I can tell you this, everyone is different. If you nag him about not calling you or texting him back IT WILL END THE RELATIONSHIP. Theres no rules when you are in a LDR. The truth is, if he really likes you and wants to actually have a LDR with you he will put effort in. Have one long convo about communication and be done with it. Don't nag him, meaning don't make it an issue every time he doesnt call you or text you back right away. When you see he's really not engaging , text him once then occupy your time, it will be hard but you will give him enough time to miss you. GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO MISS YOU & STOP WITH THE ON GOING PICS AND MSGS BUT DO KEEP TABS ON HIM. Whooa, stop for a moment here, I sent 2 pictures, which I mentioned earlier, and nothing else since then. Ever since he left I haven't really done much, and I guess he was expecting the opposite. The only thing I did was I got him a subscription to his favourite magazine, which arrived now and he didn't expect this either and was overfilled with joy, telling me I am the most amazing woman in the world for doing something so unexpected and thoughtful. I have not been texting nonstop at all, as all of you are suggesting, in fact I have been doing NC for most of the time. About 90% of our contact in the past 1,5 weeks has been initiated by him, and we skyped almost every day and are in touch via FB or Whatsapp at least once a day so far, so it's really already more contact that I would have expected at all. I am very happy with how things are right now and hope they will stay this way... He's been more affectionate by the day, so i will keep staying low contact until it balances out somehow... Edited June 20, 2014 by lamaga Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Why do you keep posting if you hate all the advice we give you? I am not trying to antagonize you, it just seems counter productive. If you know in your heart that we are all wrong and that your relationship is great then it just causes you additional stress to argue with people on here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamaga Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 Why do you keep posting if you hate all the advice we give you? I am not trying to antagonize you, it just seems counter productive. If you know in your heart that we are all wrong and that your relationship is great then it just causes you additional stress to argue with people on here. It does and it makes me angry as hell. But people kept posting so I kept responding. Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Lock this thread then. I'm glad you had a talk with him and things are going better but it seems you love the drama here. If I was you I'd use my energy for other things. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
littleplanet Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Lock this thread then. I'm glad you had a talk with him and things are going better but it seems you love the drama here. If I was you I'd use my energy for other things. Applause I'm dizzy from all this. Only one positive thing to say: There must be a gazzillion threads about LDR coping......offering all kinds of good tips about how to handle it. I'm sure the most secure people on earth do it. I'm sure the most insecure people on earth do it. perhaps somewhere in between those two extemes, is a magic button? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lamaga Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 I don't love the drama here, I hate it. I hate all this "you are like this and you are like that" talk. To find out who i am and how to deal with that, I have a therapist for that. I appreciate the people who came with some good advice though. I don't know how to lock threads. How does it work? x Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 I think you have to contact the LS moderator by using the Alert Us button and inform them that you'd like the thread to be locked. Good luck in your LD. Link to post Share on other sites
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