shan72 Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 I've never really done something like this before but I could really use some advice. Two years ago I caught my ex bf cheating on me with a 14 year old girl, I was 18 at the time and he was 22 (sick I know). Despite that happening I felt pressured to stay with him as he was my first bf and we had already been together two years, which seemed like a big deal when I was younger. After staying with him for another year I decided to move to another state to live with my family as I had fallen out of love with him and was too scared to end it. After three months up here I finally told him we were over. I realize now how unhealthy our relationship was. He use to break up with me constantly and then ask for me back, along with manipulating me on many occasions. He would even become physically abusive at times. About two/three months after we broke up I began to hang out with a co-worker of mine and long story short we became official over a month ago. Everything was going really well until I fell ill and ended up in hospital with a severe allergic reaction all over my face, which is still healing. This completely crushed my confidence and since then I have become a jealous monster! For example: we were at a convention today and he joked about checking all the hot girls out there. I became upset but kept it to myself until I saw a girl obviously checking him out and he glanced at her for a second. I became so upset I almost broke up with him. And yesterday a girl I am friends with from our work stood too close to him and I became jealous, despite the fact she also has a bf. I was never really a jealous person until I was cheated on and I am constantly scared he will randomly break up with my like my ex did. I know it's unfair on him as he has never done anything to do deserve this. Has anyone gone through anything similar? How do you let go of issues from past relationships? Thank you for taking the time to read this!! Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 (edited) So your cheating ex-boyfriend dumped you? I think it's completely understandable that you'll feel unsure of yourself after that. Remind yourself that you cannot control how you feel. But you do have all the freedom in the world to decide how your going to react to those emotions. Being jealous isn't the end of the world. There's plenty of room for reacting to jealousy in a positive way. I don't know what your perspective is. But I do know you need to focus on how you're currently choosing to behave. From one relationship to the next you'll always be the common denominator. So while there are some bad memories to sort through, and you need to learn how to put that behind you, please be aware that it isn't the whole picture. Always be invested in your own future and personal growth which is something different than dwelling. I think you're going through the same exact motions of your last relationship. For some reason you were strung along despite the really bad antics. It was your ex-boyfriend who dumped you and not the other way around. Why? Were you afraid to be alone? Did you believe you'll never do better than him? Are you scared of being single? You embraced this kind of 'love' for yourself. Why? Joking with a girlfriend about hitting on hot women is stupid, plain and simple. Only some middle school adolescents behave this way before growing up. It would be comical if it wasn't so pathetic for any grown man to behave like that. There are literally countless men out there who would treat you better than this. Yet you think it's unfair to be jealous after being treated this way. You're in the exact same position, same mentality, same choices as you were before. Granted you're dating a different man but you are very much the same woman that you used to be. If you want to do things differently then you need to be motivated to change. The bottom line is you need to get over yourself. Grow up. So what if an ex-boyfriend cheated on you? So what if you feel constantly scared your new boyfriend will randomly break up with you? Boo-Freaking-Hoo, lady. Somewhere out there is a sixteen year old. She experienced the trauma of being raped by a twenty-two year old man. Unlike you, she probably lives in constant fear of the whole entire world around her, living by reacting to the world from a place of fear. What you're experiencing is nothing compared to what she needs to sort through. And you're a participant of her suffering. You had the choice to contact the authorities, call a hotline anonymously, take her to the doctor, anything. Instead you became an accessory of statutory rape because you were so desperate to hold onto your now ex. All the while, you were selfish to the point that all you could think about was yourself, when a fourteen year old was literally raped in front of you. And your inaction is called negligence which is a crime. What you're experiencing is nothing compared to an ounce of what she likely goes through in a single day. You deserve all that discomfort you're living with right now, good riddance. You'll find zero compassion here for your own role in this. Do not commit illegal acts in the future. Edited June 15, 2014 by ThatMan Link to post Share on other sites
Author shan72 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 thank you for being honest in the first half of your message, that helped. As for the second half, you have no idea of the actual situation as I did not bother adding in all the little details. It was emotional cheating over facebook. I had no evidence of anything physical going on between them otherwise I would have called the police. I regret staying with him and I feel disgusted with myself for not being strong enough to leave. I received countless messages from her 'taunting' me about how my boyfriend wanted to be with her and calling me a slut. So how dare you say I helped a young girl be raped. I told him countless times how disgusting and illegal it was. I refused to be intimate with him after that. I came here for some advice on dealing with jealousy not to be accused of having a girl raped in front of me and not calling the police. Maybe ask for the facts before you make such disgusting accusations to someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shan72 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 I also forgot to mention they pair worked together and I called their boss to inform him of there relationship. That went ignored and they were allowed to continue to work together. Link to post Share on other sites
mangetout Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 @Thatman.Wow! Where did you get your details from?? Some tv show?? Cause its not from this thread. Calm down. There is no need to shoot the OP down with accusations that are coming from your own head. I agree too that it was disgusting what you accused the OP of. OP you had your reasons for staying in the last relationship and its in your right to make whatever choices you decided were right for you. Its your life and no one has a right to tell you otherwise. But I do think that if you are moving on into a new relationship then you need to leave old resentment behind in the past. Let go of past fears etc. But have a calm discussion with your new boyfriend that it makes you feel uncomfortable when he makes comments about other women in front of you. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 The new details of your situation changes nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Do you know what a context cue is? Normally a person will not claim they've caught their spouse cheating unless they literally caught them cheating. Look, you've been extremely vague on the details, and I'm not going to waste my time prying from you chain of events that transpired. You certainly aren't obligated to tell us anything, especially if you're uncomfortable about it, or whatever possible reason you have for being so indirect. Some people have no problem exclaiming they caught an ex-spouse emotionally cheating on the internet, drunkenly kissing, whatever, and there's no need to expect you to be so forthcoming. The reason why I bring up what I have is because you appear to be doing the same thing as your previous relationship. Accepting people are quite frankly weirdos, standing beside them despite their antics, being the one afraid to be left behind and not the one willing to take the initiative; It all reeks of desperation and fear. But that's just my point of view and I'm skeptical of how accurate my view is - You're probably leaving out more information than I'm aware of. The other reason I bring up what I have is because, yeah, it is disgusting. The normal reaction for anyone in your position is to be disgusted by a boyfriend behaving however he did. So you did not witness stationary rape and do nothing. There was no rape and you called their boss, okay... What did you witness? An adult grooming a minor? Sexually explicit messages on facebook or inappropriate flirting? Did he ask for nude photos? And where were you during all this? Did you stick with him throughout these events since he dumped you and not vice versa? (That's another context cue from your original message.) Because if you did stick by him, then yeah, that is pretty disgusting. Not to mention their boss probably isn't in any position to do anything about whatever you witnessed anyways. Their boss is responsible for their work environment and he can only report on what he observes there. But hey, at least you did in fact do something, rather than nothing at all. If your ex-boyfriend did request and/or receive photos on facebook then yes, you did commit an act of negligence for failing to contact the authorities, which is still illegal. So for future reference - if you 'catch' your boyfriend 'cheating' with a minor, at least approach the authorities and let them decide whether or not they want to invest any of their time looking into it. And you're an adult. Who the heck cares whether or not a mere child called you names? Be the adult of the situation and not the child. She was still possibly the victim of a crime which you failed to report. You're still selfish to the point that all you can think about is your poor little feelings while ignoring reality around you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 I'm willing to bet your 22 y.o. ex s-bag bf has a habit of enticing minors via internet. This should have been reported ASAP, right before dumping that POS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 You fall ill and while recovering your BF tells you he's checking out hot girls? And actually does? Why do you accept being treated with no respect? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) I'm willing to bet your 22 y.o. ex s-bag bf has a habit of enticing minors via internet. This should have been reported ASAP, right before dumping that POS. Exactly. Not to mention doing nothing in these situations is tantamount to permitting it. It doesn't matter if you have low self-esteem, shan72. Go ruin your own life and not the life of somebody else by permitting illicit activity. Edited June 17, 2014 by ThatMan Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Not appropriate to be checking the 'hot girls' when you have a GF, not appropriate to tell her about it. Be clear with a partner with what you are looking for, as everyone has their own view on what constitutes acceptable behavior in a relationship. Quite understandable that you are looking for loyalty in a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
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