ReadyforLife Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 I left in February and filed the divorce papers in April. The problem? I went back because I feared I would lose custody of my kids because they refused to attend the new school district I took them to. I left their dad at the house that we co-own which is in their desired school district. I cannot afford the mortgage and bills on my own, even with his child support. After speaking with a realtor, there is not enough equity in the house to sell . Now, to the real problem. I am not sure if what I am living qualifies as emotional abuse, or if I am overreacting. I am hoping someone here with a head that is more clear than mine at the moment can give me some honest insight. I thought he was going to leave when I moved back into the house with the kids. He did not. He asked for 3 months to see if we could work things out. Since then, he has become ever more controlling, requiring that I take one of our children anytime I leave the house for more than a few hours. When I am gone for more than an hour, he will call and text me until I answer him. I went to a seminar for work, during business hours, and he called to make sure I was there. He opened up a separate bank account and has his check deposited there. (First time in 16 years!) He then puts most of it into our joint account (I have always paid the bills), but refuses to close his sole account or tell me how much money he has in there. Meanwhile, he spends and spends from our joint account. Four days ago we had a big issue. I asked him to spend time with me instead of controlling me. I also asked him to give me space to breathe on my own. He said he needs to control everything to feel secure, lets him sleep at night. He told me that he never asked me to come back to the house, and that I am using him. He said I had a lot of nerve to ask him to do anything differently. Then he said I had better not ever have another affair or else bad things would happen. He said, trust me, it wouldn't be good for anyone, especially the kids. That scared me. I considered calling the police, but didn't. He told me I was taking what he said out of context. The next morning, he got up early and told me he felt bad and was sorry. He said he got out of hand and said things he didn't mean. He said maybe he needs medication. The next night after work he brought me flowers and said he took extra time to pick the colorful ones. He has been trying to be super sweet since. In the meantime, I have turned him down for sex twice. I am worried that will make him get angry again. Does this sound like abuse, or am I being irrational? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Then he said I had better not ever have another affair or else bad things would happen. I'm confused. Is this a paranoid assumption on his part or have you cheated on your marriage ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author ReadyforLife Posted June 15, 2014 Author Share Posted June 15, 2014 Both parties have had affairs in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 Then why stay in a marriage that neither partner seems committed to? And in which you don't seem happy? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 I'm confused. Are you just moving back for the kids, or are you making an honest attempt at putting things back together? Whether or not this abuse is a tricky subject. By the strictest definition and in an otherwise "normal" marriage, yes what your H is doing would definitely be considered abusive. This is not a normal marriage though, it is a marriage that has been invaded by infidelity and two of the keys to coming back from infidelity are slowly rebuilding trust (on his part) and transparency (on your part) which seems to be what you h is acting towards. That makes it a bit of a grey area and leaves a few hoops to be jumped through for the returning partner. Then he said I had better not ever have another affair or else bad things would happen. He said, trust me, it wouldn't be good for anyone, especially the kids. However, this is unacceptable regardless and it sounds like he knows that and has been trying to make amends for pushing too far the other side of the grey area you both are living in. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted June 15, 2014 Share Posted June 15, 2014 How long before things are settled in court? The sooner you get a decision made about your living arrangements and all the other stuff, the sooner you can move on. You are trying to end this marriage right? It doesn't sound like it from the way he's behaving. In fact, him behaving like this is probably to try and force you out of the house. What exactly do you want out of this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 I'm not sure what the cause was when you left the house - did someone cheat? Do you work? How old are your kids and why did you move so far away that they had to change schools? Were you planning to divorce when you moved? Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 The problem? I went back because I feared I would lose custody of my kids because they refused to attend the new school district I took them to. I left their dad at the house that we co-own which is in their desired school district. I cannot afford the mortgage and bills on my own, even with his child support. How old are the kids? They "refused?" I would not have been so empowered as a child to get to choose something like that. Would they rather stay with their father and go to the school of their choosing, or stay with you and attend a school they don't prefer? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 I left in February and filed the divorce papers in April. The problem? I went back because I feared I would lose custody of my kids because they refused to attend the new school district I took them to. I left their dad at the house that we co-own which is in their desired school district. I cannot afford the mortgage and bills on my own, even with his child support. After speaking with a realtor, there is not enough equity in the house to sell . Now, to the real problem. I am not sure if what I am living qualifies as emotional abuse, or if I am overreacting. I am hoping someone here with a head that is more clear than mine at the moment can give me some honest insight. I thought he was going to leave when I moved back into the house with the kids. He did not. He asked for 3 months to see if we could work things out. Since then, he has become ever more controlling, requiring that I take one of our children anytime I leave the house for more than a few hours. When I am gone for more than an hour, he will call and text me until I answer him. I went to a seminar for work, during business hours, and he called to make sure I was there. He opened up a separate bank account and has his check deposited there. (First time in 16 years!) He then puts most of it into our joint account (I have always paid the bills), but refuses to close his sole account or tell me how much money he has in there. Meanwhile, he spends and spends from our joint account. Four days ago we had a big issue. I asked him to spend time with me instead of controlling me. I also asked him to give me space to breathe on my own. He said he needs to control everything to feel secure, lets him sleep at night. He told me that he never asked me to come back to the house, and that I am using him. He said I had a lot of nerve to ask him to do anything differently. Then he said I had better not ever have another affair or else bad things would happen. He said, trust me, it wouldn't be good for anyone, especially the kids. That scared me. I considered calling the police, but didn't. He told me I was taking what he said out of context. The next morning, he got up early and told me he felt bad and was sorry. He said he got out of hand and said things he didn't mean. He said maybe he needs medication. The next night after work he brought me flowers and said he took extra time to pick the colorful ones. He has been trying to be super sweet since. In the meantime, I have turned him down for sex twice. I am worried that will make him get angry again. Does this sound like abuse, or am I being irrational? Start recording ALL your conversations with him. Most cell phones these days have the capability of doing this. Get a lawyer just for your own protection. Have an 'escape' plan just in case you feel very threatened and in danger. Meaning, a trusted friend you can go to and show up at her house at anytime, day or night if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ReadyforLife Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 We have 3 children who are 17, 14 and 13. That's why they have a say where they live. It was not about choosing one parent over the other. They wanted to stay in the school district where the house is. I can't afford rents or the mortgage plus bills there. It isn't so simple as get out of a bad marriage. I called the local Advocacy Center today and talked with them. They said it's a "veiled threat," but very real and to take it seriously. I have reached out to my sister to let her know what's going on as well. The difficult part is that he is very much in the "honeymoon phase" right now where he is being super nice and asking how I am doing. It won't last, never does. I don't do anything to stir up his anger and he loses his ability to keep the peace. It's very difficult to know what to do . Link to post Share on other sites
ashleyjohn Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Simply, move out and no matter how hard he tries to be polite and all loving with you, don't go back. EVER! Link to post Share on other sites
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