Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I'm dating a guy whose divorced etc ...we hit it off really well..a few insecurities come up ( mostly from me) but he reassures me offen. I don't like fighting or anything. So i try and avoid conflict ( i know it's silly) but this is my first relationship in over a decade and I cling on to it. We haven't had sex yet which is good. I don't want to have sex once i really get to know him. I'm really grateful to have this relationship. And i think he likes my gratitude for him. He says he's grateful to me being grateful to him. His ex wife left him for someone else. It's been a few weeks and he wants to introduce me to his daughter. I'm sure his daughter is fantastic, I'm just not ready to be introduced to his daughter yet. It's like not being ready to be introduced to his parents or family straight away. He was slightly offended by this. But it's not because i dont think his daughter isn't amazing, I'm just not ready. I'm not sure whose in the right. Me or him? I don't want to lose him but I really need things to be gradual, otherwise I kind of freeze like a deer in the headlights. I think these things need to be done cautiously.
tink_10050 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 My thought is that the children need a chance to get used to the idea that the parent is dating someone. If you do this too quickly the children could have a negative reaction and it may color your relationship for a long time. I think this is true even with older children as well. Just my two sense... 1
Mrin Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Everyone has their own rules of thumb on this. If the daughter is older - eg 18+, then meeting her earlier rather than later is probably ok. Younger than 18, way way way too early. My rule is at least 6 months of dating before I even consider it. Preferably at year of dating that person. One other issue: does he have full custody? If so, full custodial parents have pragmatic issues that often necessitate an earlier introduction.
Gaeta Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 If you don't feel close enough to be intimate with him then you are not close enough yet to meet his children. At this point you are casually dating. There is no rush in meeting the children. Work on building a good base to your relationship first.
Andy_K Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Having grown up with a friend who was raised by a single parent, I can say that the adults involved worry far more about this than the kids ever do. 2
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 I think I'm just trying to get use to him as a "boyfriend " . His daughter is his pride & joy & six years old. I think meeting a daughter is a big step I just don't feel comfortable taking just yet. I've tried to ask why he wants me to meet his daughter immediately as we barely know each other all that well & we have to GET to know each other. He said he just wanted me to meet someone that matters most to him. It's a weird thing dating. I finding the adjustment period quite a stress. He's been reassuring so far. . But forgets i think how long it actually has been for me and how.much time I need to adjust being in a " Dating situation ". We probably won't have sex at least half a year to like eight months down the track.
Gaeta Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I think I'm just trying to get use to him as a "boyfriend " . His daughter is his pride & joy & six years old. I think meeting a daughter is a big step I just don't feel comfortable taking just yet. I've tried to ask why he wants me to meet his daughter immediately as we barely know each other all that well & we have to GET to know each other. He said he just wanted me to meet someone that matters most to him. It's a weird thing dating. I finding the adjustment period quite a stress. He's been reassuring so far. . But forgets i think how long it actually has been for me and how.much time I need to adjust being in a " Dating situation ". We probably won't have sex at least half a year to like eight months down the track. Ask him how he did it in the past. How many girlfriends he introduced to his daughter? after how long dating? How does he intend to introduce you as a friend or a girlfriend? Why wait 8 months to a year to have sex? Don't you feel attracted toward him? Don't you want to have wild monkey sex with him each time you see him? No sexual tension in the air?
Mrin Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Ya I agree with Gaeta. That is probably more concerning than meeting the daughter to be honest with you.
zebracolors Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 In my own experience recently dating a single father, we had dated fairly regularly for something like only 3-4 months before I first met his daughter. I remember feeling well, honored actually that he must have felt that comfortable with me. However the difference here was that his daughter is like 13, old enough to sort of understand about relationships. Though he didn't introduce me as "the woman your Dad is dating" merely as a friend which I completely understand. And no displays of affection in front of her. I would think a 6 year old really would not understand why Dad is hugging/kissing another woman. So maybe it just means he just really likes you that much and feels that comfortable. And as Gaeta suggests, I figure he won't go so far as to say something outrageous like "hey come meet your new mother"
DArtagnan2 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Ya I agree with Gaeta. That is probably more concerning than meeting the daughter to be honest with you. whats more concerning then meeting his daughter? that she wants to wait to have sex? This post isn't about her wanting to or not wanting to have sex, its about her meeting his daughter. What does sex have to do with it and why is it always brought up in almost every conversation?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 whats more concerning then meeting his daughter? that she wants to wait to have sex? This post isn't about her wanting to or not wanting to have sex, its about her meeting his daughter. What does sex have to do with it and why is it always brought up in almost every conversation? If I'm JUST establishing myself in a relationship & getting the hang of it. I haven't had sex in a few years. I don't have to have a wild sexual cosmic blast everytime I see him. I'm learning to get to know the guy. Sexual chemistry can develop over time not magically and instantaneously spark within an hour of saying hello. And as for his daughter, i won't have sex with him until his child can know a bit about who her dad is dating. And i gotta know who I am dating too. That's how I see it.
mammasita Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I would wonder about how he's handled introducing his daughter to women in the past and does he have full custody?
Mrin Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 whats more concerning then meeting his daughter? that she wants to wait to have sex? This post isn't about her wanting to or not wanting to have sex, its about her meeting his daughter. What does sex have to do with it and why is it always brought up in almost every conversation? Well I think sexual chemistry is a strong indicator as to mutual attraction and whether this is a relationship that is "introduction worthy". If there is little sexual chemistry at this stage if the game I would seriously doubt whether this is a match that would last long. Sorry but it is true. And as a father the last thing I want to do is to introduce my child to a person who won't be there for long. So yes this post is about introducing a dating prospect to a daughter. But what it really should start with is the degree to which this is actually a relationship or just a passing dating fancy. That to me is the a priori question before it ever even potentially comes to a discussion about meeting a child.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Well I think sexual chemistry is a strong indicator as to mutual attraction and whether this is a relationship that is "introduction worthy". If there is little sexual chemistry at this stage if the game I would seriously doubt whether this is a match that would last long. Sorry but it is true. And as a father the last thing I want to do is to introduce my child to a person who won't be there for long. So yes this post is about introducing a dating prospect to a daughter. But what it really should start with is the degree to which this is actually a relationship or just a passing dating fancy. That to me is the a priori question before it ever even potentially comes to a discussion about meeting a child. I disagree. Do i find my boyfriend attractive? Yes. He is not the most attractive man in the world but we connect on a intellectual level. Do we kiss? Yes. If i wasn't attracted to him i wouldn't do those things. Are we SLOWLY getting to know each other? Yes. Will this take time? Yes. Do I have to have " Insane monkey sex" straight away? No. Why? Because what turns me on is knowing he is someone I can fully trust. Why is this so bad? If you've just gotten into dating for the first time in over a decade. Sex for me wasn't the immediate thing that came into mind. It was getting to know someone. Getting use tp someone wanting to be with me. I like sex I just want to know what it's like for basic courting. When sex comes into ot we will know when the time is right & when we are both ready. 1
WrinkledForehead Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I'm a single mom. I believe that children don't need to meet a person their parent is dating until the relationship is fairly solid. Most relationships end between 3 and 4 months and I consider that too early. I won't introduce my kids to someone I'm dating until around six months in to protect from the heartbreak that could possibly result if the dating relationship ended and the child had formed some bond with the person. 2
jbelle6 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I'm a single mom. I believe that children don't need to meet a person their parent is dating until the relationship is fairly solid. Most relationships end between 3 and 4 months and I consider that too early. I won't introduce my kids to someone I'm dating until around six months in to protect from the heartbreak that could possibly result if the dating relationship ended and the child had formed some bond with the person. I agree with you. I don't date much (2 people last 4 years) but I still don't want my sons memories to be a string of men. I also usually date men that do not have children and I don't want to give the impression that I am looking for a father for my child. I'm not, he has a great Dad. 1
SJC2008 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I skipped ahead so my take may be redundant. Children shouldn't be brought into the fold until it's certaion the relationship is going somewhere. A good rule of thumb for meeting parents/kids is 3 months.
iris219 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 It's a good sign he wants to introduce his child to you as it probably means he's serious about you, but you are right to wait. Honestly, I think it's often a bigger deal for the new partner than the kids, so if you do meet her sooner it's unlikely to damage her if you guys do break up. My FI kept pushing me to meet his kids when I thought it was too soon and I wasn't ready. I finally gave in at 5 months. It was fine, but I have to say it changes the relationship. My fondest memories are from our first 5 months together, when we kept our relationship separate from his children. Doing things with his children is not nearly as fun as doing kid free stuff, so keep that in mind. I would advise you to keep the relationship separate from his child for as long as you realistically can. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 The guy I am currently seeing has a 10 year old kid. He wanted to introduce me to his kid at the 1 month mark. I couldn't say no, because he was pretty insistent. He introduced me as a friend, and the kid was a bit rude with me, but a second meetup went better. But every time we met up in the presence of his kid, the kid was the center of attention all day long. It started getting boring after a while. I mean, I love kids and all, but he is not my own kid, and besides, if I wanted to play happy family, I would've wanted my own kid rather than babysitting some other woman's kid.. We're at the 2 month mark now (I decided to stick it out and wait it out to see if things will get better), but I've only met his kid 3 times in total, and I must say, I do not feel like doing so again any time soon. I have been avoiding such a situation by doing other things on days that he has custody of his kid (partial custody). I feel like it went too fast so I want to slow things down. It has been working (fairly) well, with us going back to dating and not bringing the kid into it. He no longer calls me up on days he has his kid and makes sure to plan a day together when his kid leaves. I guess he wanted to make sure I would interact well with his kid. Which, if it was the case, would be rather insulting to me. I couldn't help but feel a bit insulted. Also, he introduced me as a friend, and kept telling his friends to refer to me as a friend in front of his kid (he asked them in front of me), and that upset me (no matter how understanding I am/was of taking it slowly and giving the kid some space). It just made me realize that I will always be second to his kid, even on the smallest / silliest of things, that our relationship will always be a function of that. So yeah, it's not for everyone, I guess, though I am still giving this a shot. But the fact that he introduced us and satisfied his own desires (to test my behaviour around his kid, etc.) and then did not take it a step further, made me feel a bit upset. Like, he went too fast, then hit the brakes all of a sudden. I didn't like that. This is why it would've been better for him to hold off to the 5-6 month mark, introduce me as a friend at first, then a few weeks down the line tell him that we're dating. His kid is 10, so it's not like he doesn't understand that stuff. And his mom dated and then married another guy, so it's not as if he has never been told that sort of stuff. Apparently his kid's mother even introduced her now-husband to his kid as the man she was dating, on their very first meeting. I mean, I never asked for that, but at least if you introduced your kid to me as a friend so early on, you should not mind taking it to the next step? Some people are selfish, though, I guess. Make sure that if your guy wants you to meet the kid, and if you do accept it eventually, that you let him know what your expectations are.
shet Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Adults worry about this more than any potential impact on the kids. You aren't going to move in any time soon. You can meet the children without becoming their new mum. 6 is a decent age. Kids don't politicise like we do. They just like meeting people. If you aren't dating in 6 months no harm done. You'll think of the child after, more than it thinks of you. 2
Mrin Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 (edited) Adults worry about this more than any potential impact on the kids. You aren't going to move in any time soon. You can meet the children without becoming their new mum. 6 is a decent age. Kids don't politicise like we do. They just like meeting people. If you aren't dating in 6 months no harm done. You'll think of the child after, more than it thinks of you. Man I just don't agree with this and so do a lot of child psychologists. I guess it all comes down to positioning and moderation. Every situation is unique I guess. What it really comes down to is this: 1. Moderation: If you're just introduced as a friend and have only casual contact with the child, then that moderates the impact, of either your presence or absence (if the relationship ends) 2. Volume/Role Modeling: Speaking strictly from the parent's viewpoint, a new "friend" or two a year is one thing. A steady flow of "women daddy likes to kiss" is entirely different. I can actually speak to this from all angles. I was the child of a single mom. I dated a single mom (full time custody) and was the childless "friend" in my 20's. And now I am the single dad wrestling with this very question. From the child's view: This all took place in the 70's and 80's when were we not nearly as sensitive to this question as we are now. Growing up I met maybe 7 of my mom's boyfriends over a 10 year period. I've actually discussed this recently with my mom. I became close to 2 of them - they were multi-year long term relationships. When those relationships ended, I wasn't devastated by any means. But I did have a bit of a rejection mentality with one of them - that the end of my mom's relationship with him was due to me, or our family. My mom didn't go into details of why the relationship ended but I couldn't help but think of it as a reflection on us rather than her. Turns out she actually did the breaking up. As for the 5 others - some were just guys that would show up and pick my mom up for a date. Some were longer (months maybe) dating relationships. I can distinctly remember my mom getting picked up by two guys in the same week and feeling some sort of shame. Isn't that awful?? From the "friend's" view: I was in my mid 20's and we had dated for over a year by the time I met her daughter. To be honest, I just assumed the role of a big brother or uncle for the longest time. However, as the years went by I started to do things like sleep over and they would sleep over at my place. I was definitely her "mom's boyfriend" at this point. I got close to her and when we finally broke up after 4 years it was hard. My ex told me it was hard on her daughter too - as I had become a sort of father figure to her. Looking back I wouldn't change a thing. But I want to highlight two things: 1) before I met her daughter I was very secure in our relationship. Not on the edge at all. 2) when I started to get on the edge (mainly about getting married), it went downhill quickly in large part because I felt like a fraud around her daughter. Lots of guilt there. From a parent's view: For me currently, the question I find myself always asking is "what good can come of an introduction?". A passing introduction as a friend - not a whole lot of good (or bad) can come of it to the kid as long as it is positioned correctly. But then again, not exactly sure much good can come of it for the relationship either aside from finally putting a face to a name. As one of the above posters mentioned, a child can dis-intermediate a romantic interest. So I guess for me, the only good I can see coming out of an introduction is if there is going to be substantial contact between my dating interest and my kids. It is a way of bringing her deeper into my life to share with her the things i hold dearest. Conversely, it is a way of bringing someone I cherish into my children's lives to share her with them and so they can see love (role modeling). I think there is real good to come of that. But that being said, it also means you don't venture into that area willy nilly. To date I have yet to make any introductions - and this makes me sad. But I hold out hope that will change in the near future. I hope this helps. The one thing I would just strongly urge is that you make sure you're "in it" prior to meeting his daughter. That you're really into him and when this relationship might lead. If not, either move on or spend some more time together to get to that comfortable place. Edited June 16, 2014 by Mrin 1
ktya Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 It's been a few weeks and he wants to introduce me to his daughter. I'm sure his daughter is fantastic, I'm just not ready to be introduced to his daughter yet. It's like not being ready to be introduced to his parents or family straight away. He was slightly offended by this. But it's not because i dont think his daughter isn't amazing, I'm just not ready. On one hand he is not being very wise introducing his daughter to someone hes only known for a few weeks. His ex would be furious at him and were it to not work out with you, you would be one face in a parade of women until he found what he was looking for to her. On the other hand, he wants to involve you in all aspects of his life, and may even want his daughter's opinion of you and to see how you interact with her because she is a huge part of his life. This could be a test, or an expression of how deeply he feels for you, or to introduce to his daughter that he and mom arent getting back together and now live separate lives. What depends is the age of the daughter. If it's a baby or kid 4 or younger, go for it. If it's a teenager 13 years or older, go for it. Its the age 5-12 range that you want to avoid getting in front of until you both know that your really serious. Otherwise just go with your gut feeling.
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 This could be a test Well, in my case, I feel like it was a test. But I really don't appreciate that, because I am sure he also would not have appreciated if I had pressured him to introduce me to his kid, as a sort of test to see if he cared enough about me to do as I wished.... But in a lot of cases, this is what people do. I don't like being tested, period. It is manipulative and tells me that he does not trust me. If he does not trust me, he should not be introducing me to his kid, period. If the partner feels that he/she is being tested, it is bound to create feelings of resentment -- as it did in my case -- no matter how understanding he/she is towards the predicament of the single parent. I'm either in or I'm out. I don't like being "tested". I had enough manipulation from my ex to last me a lifetime.
ktya Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I dont think it was a test as in "will she meet my kid" I think it might have been a test as in "how does she interact with my kid" If you will be involved deeply in his life in the future, how you interact with his kid is going to be very important to him. He may be ready to go all in for you but doesn't want to waste your or his time if it turns out you hate his daughter.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 I think at this stage perhaps he has decided before I have that he is more serious about me than I am about him.I like him, I do. But I think I want the pace to be slow and I'd appreciate it from him. I haven't had a serious boyfriend in over a decade and most guys in between ( flings etc..) have hurt me and screwed me over... so for my HEART I want things slow. And introducing me to child is too fast for my liking. It kind of freaks me out. There's a huge gap in our relationship experience. He's been married, divorce and single for three years. I've been single for eleven. I am feeling cautious about the whole thing. And one thing I'm starting to even getting USED to is, is the fact that a guy really likes me and is so far not outing on me and leaving me. I hold on to that all the time and I appreciate and am really grateful because he has become more special to me because I have waited an insanely long time for him. But the child thing is too soon. I just want to get use to being in a dating situation, and I probably wont really want to get to know the child for at least six months or even more. I am feeling tentative. Naturally. I explained how I feel and he understands, but feels sad that I am not use to nice guys and that I have to " get use to him". But quite understanding so far.
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