I just confessed.

[Waverly]

"You win, LS. I just told my H about the A. We talked for a while and now are back to our normal afternoon activities.

 

I admit, this is neither how I expected the confession nor Father's Day to play out.

 

Now what?"

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BrokenPrincess]

!!!!!!!!

 

What prompted you to tell him today?? You told him everything?

 

WOW

[Waverly]

!!!!!!!!

 

What prompted you to tell him today?? You told him everything?

 

WOW

 

Long story that I can type out later for you. But a situation came up where he may have found out. I admit it's not a noble reason for confessing, but there's nothing noble about any of this anyway. So, yes, it's out there.

[whatatangledweb]

How did he react when you told him?

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[violet1]

Oh Waverly, big hugs to you. I know how hard it is to confess. Your reasoning of the confession is irrelevant. Honestly it's not about anyone winning at LS. Now that it's all open, there's no more secrets and you two can either move on together as a stronger couple or go your seperate ways. I personally am so proud of you because I honestly didn't think you'd do it.

 

How are you feeling? Do you feel like you made the right decision? Or is it too soon to tell? How's your H? The next little while is going to be emotional hell for the both of you. Hang in there, post here. Remember you'll get flack on this thread which is effing hard to take when you're not doing well, but you'll get a lot of support too. Keep on posting and I hope you and your family are okay.

[whichwayisup]

Kudos to you for confessing, though a bit surprised you'd do it on Father's Day.

 

Just own it all when he's ready to talk and ask you stuff about your A. Apologize and answer everything he needs to know. Be willing to do as he requests.

 

I will go back and re-read your older threads to catch up to where things are now.

[katielee]

I've had roughly three ddays. Shock didn't hit me until 2 days later - first dday, 1 day later - 2nd dday, and about a half hour later - 3rd dday. You are right. Shock. Get ready for the rollercoaster.

[purplesorrow]

I am sure that it must have been difficult for you both. I don't know if it is even possible to prepare for the roller coaster that may ensue, but I do hope you find the strength to withstand it. There will be days you may feel like crumbling under all the pressure. The questions he may ask will no doubt be difficult to answer, just remember to breathe and know each day is a little better than the last. And as hard as it is, find something to smile about each day. Don't forget to live. Take care of you and him as best as you can. I wish you both well on your journey. Peace to all.

 

Purple

[bubbaganoosh]

I hope you have enough sense to give the man a chance to gather his wits and give him time to deal with it.

 

Also I hope your ready to answer a ton of questions and be honest about it.

 

Sad part about it is that every Fathers Day, will mean a trigger for him.

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[harrybrown]

have you written him a timeline of the A?

 

stopped contacting the OM?

 

become transparent and had std testing?

 

Happy father's day to your H.

 

 

does he feel like his self-esteem is shot to hell and he is not number one on your list?

 

However, good for you for tearing down the wall.

 

Hope all the best to you and your family.

[Waverly]

I had no intention of ruining Father's Day with this. But at a certain point he basically said that if I had anything to tell him, I needed to do it now. So I did.

 

 

I hope you have enough sense to give the man a chance to gather his wits and give him time to deal with it.

 

Also I hope your ready to answer a ton of questions and be honest about it.

 

Sad part about it is that every Fathers Day, will mean a trigger for him.

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[harrybrown]

Does your H want you to help him tell the W of your OM?

[alwayshere]

have you written him a timeline of the A?

 

stopped contacting the OM?

 

become transparent and had std testing?

 

Happy father's day to your H.

 

 

does he feel like his self-esteem is shot to hell and he is not number one on your list?

 

However, good for you for tearing down the wall.

 

Hope all the best to you and your family.

 

Ummmmm.......she just told him today. Waverley, honesty, empathy, and patience need to be your best friends. I am glad you confessed.

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetrayedH]

Well done, Waverly. For what it's worth, I'll never believe that you only told him because he might have found out. You've been musing on this a good long while.

 

Tough thing to do and you did it. You may not feel it for a while but I think this is one thing you'll always be able to be proud of.

 

What next? Well, I think you keep on this path. Just own the darn thing and be honest about it. Trickling the truth from here will just do damage. You will do him and yourself a great service if he can just believe everything you say from here on out. Even if you divorce, I believe that he will eventually at least respect that you've given him the respect of the truth.

 

I hope that decisions to involve the children are delayed. You both need time to decide what you really want to do. what helps them immensely is to know that things aren't going to devolve into total chaos, that the adults have a plan, and that it's going to be ok. Then they can absorb the change and start to accept it.

 

From here I think you really need to focus on whether you really want to reconcile or not. Giving the truth to your H is the right thing either way. Most BSs at least initially make a decision to try to reconcile. If he does, you're going to want to be sure that you do as well. Too many WSs make that initial decision out of a sense of damage control, guilt, obligation, and fear. But those reasons really won't cut it when it comes to really reconciling. IMHO, the best reason is for the love of your H.

 

If you find that you do want to reconcile (and your H does as well), you can get a lot of good advice here (and some will be crappy, some just rude, etc). But you can find out what to do and you can do it. Read the thread at the top of this forum. Be ready for an emotional rollercoaster and be prepared for it to be difficult for a year plus.

 

But we can't advise you much until you have some clue what the two of you want to do. Maybe read some of your older threads. I think you got some good advice in there.

 

In the short term, give him space if he needs it. Just be honest and apologetic. Let him know that this was about you, not about him. Expect a range of emotions but don't accept abuse.

 

Enough rambling from me. Sending positive thoughts. I really think you did the right thing. This was really the only decent option out of a bunch of bad options.

[BetrayedH]

Waverley, honesty, empathy, and patience need to be your best friends. I am glad you confessed.

 

Well said.

[BG11]

OP, the only thing you can do now is be honest and remorseful. Own what you did and do not try to shift the blame to your H, rewrite history, or try to get him to take blame for apart of this affair.

 

The fact that you essentially first got caught and then confessed might take away any positives confessions usually have. Hopefully you will stick around and tell your story to future cheaters who think it is "unlikely or virtually zero chance" that they will get caught.

[not-so-sure]

OP, the only thing you can do now is be honest and remorseful. Own what you did and do not try to shift the blame to your H, rewrite history, or try to get him to take blame for apart of this affair.

 

The fact that you essentially first got caught and then confessed might take away any positives confessions usually have. Hopefully you will stick around and tell your story to future cheaters who think it is "unlikely or virtually zero chance" that they will get caught.

 

Hmm. Not sure she got caught.

 

Clicky

 

Even if she didn't confess, I think the BS can get a sense that something's not quite right. My BS knew I was having an affair. She never asked but obviously something changed in me, or our situation at home.

 

Anyway from the little bits and pieces today, it seems BS got a sense something was up, perhaps without knowing actually what it was.

 

You're laid bare now Waverly, I hope it works out for you and your BS wherever that direction lies.

[CaliGypsy]

I know it sucks that you had to tell him today. Unfortunately, life is like that. There is no rule book or handbook, most of us just wing it.

 

Hoping that you are able to work this out in whatever way you (and he) feel is best for all concerned.

 

Advice is great, however none of us is in your marriage. We don't know what's best for your life. Only you can decide that. Take what you need and leave the stuff that's negative, hurtful, or not helpful to you.

[velvette]

Well the timing sucks, but telling him was the right thing to do. I have to read up on your story, but have some general advice before I do.

 

 

Go easy on the wine. Depending what he does next, you may need all your wits about you.

 

If you want to save your marriage, now is the time to be the most authentic person you can be as well as the most noble you've ever been. Whatever you do don't get into the posture of defending yourself and the A. Now is not the time. If defense is appropriate there will be time later.

 

The best way to deal with someone who is hurting is to acknowledge what they are saying as valid for them. When people are hurting they want validation of what they are feeling. If your H comes back angry, then acknowledging what he says will go a long way to defusing his anger along with of course an apology. Do not get drawn into debating or arguing.

 

Example: If I am angry and tell my H his A was cruel, selfish whatever, I don't want to hear all the other ways he's a good guy and not cruel and selfish. I want him to acknowledge that his behavior in this instance was whatever I said and to apologize for that behavior. Anything else he has to say can come later when I am not angry.

 

Try to stay calm and focused on your ultimate goal. If that is to help your H heal and save your M then ask your self if what you are planning to do or say moves that goal forward. Be honest, but think before you speak or react and especially before overreacting.

 

Good luck. Be prepared for it to get a lot worse before it gets better.

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[atreides]

((waverly))

 

If I recall you partially told your H before but broke NC correct? So basically he now knows "all of it." right? I remember you having issues with NC and about confessing or how to do it? Maybe i am wrong.

 

Either way, i dont blame you for re-writing your history here, if ppl would just click your name and stats, it would list every thread and post you ever wrote... which i will have to refresh myself on.

 

Just sit back, it's early but you did the right thing... kudos and a big hug.

Edited June 16, 2014 by atreides

[Owl6118]

Waverly, today you put down that intolerable burden. I am so proud of you. So, so proud.

 

From here on, one step at a time, you can begin living again a life of integrity.

 

Awful hours and days are coming. But integrity, constant integrity, will take you most surely and swiftly to a happy place again.

 

I want to cry I am so glad. I am just so glad you have found again inside you the self-respect, and respect for the husband you once loved and may love again, to do this. I knew it was there. I always knew it.

[PachucaSunrise]

Oh, Waverly... SUPER BIG hugs go out to you. It doesn't really matter how or why you did it, what matters is that you did the right thing, and you should be proud of yourself for that. Kudos.

 

Now what?

 

It sounds as though the both of you are sort of in a state of shock right now. I think you're gonna have to play this one out day by day, or even moment to moment. I'm sure he's going to have A LOT of questions, and it's not going to be easy, but I would suggest to remain as honest as possible.

 

Take a DEEP breath and exhale out all of that negative energy. You're gonna need to remain as positive as possible.

 

Whatever you guys decide, I know there's a ton of people on here rooting for you, myself included. Keep us posted. I wish you the very best of luck.

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jwi71]

Now what?

 

Not gonna lie - it'll be h_ll.

 

There is a coming storm. Weather it. It need NOT destroy you, your H, your children or even your family. There are MANY posters here who survived - others did not. I did not. For you...well, that's up to you and your H.

 

First.

Do NOT accept abuse, verbal, emotional, physical or sexual.

Do NOT HESITATE to call 911 if need be.

 

YOU will decide what is and is not abusive. Know that line. Not one inch over allow him to cross. Having an A, while abusive in itself, does NOT entitle HIM to abuse YOU. This info is for you only - clearly not something to share with H. At least not now.

 

Moving on-

You have done the SINGLE most important thing to recovering your M - confession. You have NO IDEA how powerful that is. It is something your H will CLING to. Cling desperately in fact.

 

MC for you both now. Make the appt for this coming week. ASAP. IC for him and you continue your own IC. I have a strong preference for three separate therapists - but if not possible - keep his IC and yours separate. Allow and encourage all three (or the appropriate number) to talk amongst themselves.

 

NEVER LIE. What kills the M is NOT the A itself but the LIES and DECEPTION. Your number one goal is to rebuild TRUST. And anything other than the whole truth erodes that. If he asks for details - share them. Honestly. One more time - NO MORE LIES.

 

Expect long hard conversations.

Expect the same Q 50 times - asked in slightly different ways.

Expect to be called names - and again, you define abuse.

Expect HOT and COLD. Mood swings that would make my W with PMS envious.

 

This journey you begin with your A - and known by your H - takes YEARS to recover. YEARS. Not months. YEARS. And your M will NEVER be the same - like a shattered and mended piece of china - the scar will always remain. That does NOT mean "not good". Or even worse than it is today - but it is irrecoverably changed.

 

The path to R is long, twisting, frightening, scary, vulnerable and HARD.

But not impossible.

 

I ENCOURAGE you to remain active on LS. Post in either forum. There is a WEALTH of experience and hard earned knowledge. I can see MY mistakes after my dday. Maybe I - others - can help you anticipate and navigate the same in yours.

 

I hope this journey ends how you WANT it to end.

 

Waverly, how do you want this to end?

[Waverly]

Right now, I want it to end with my family intact. I understood all the risks I was taking before. But like many others have posted, it wasn't really real until today. I want to undo this hurt I've inflicted for no reason. I want to be a better person.

 

He's sleeping on the couch tonight. (I offered to sleep there but he insisted.) I'm just really really sad and disappointed in myself right now.

 

I'll reply more tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who has responded.

[compulsivedancer]

But at a certain point he basically said that if I had anything to tell him, I needed to do it now. So I did.

 

I had this moment and as much as I wanted to say something, I chose to protect myself and OM instead. It was also a turning point for me, as it was the first time I outright lied to H (I lied in a lot of ways, but it was the first time I lied to his face). I wish I had told him then. As hard as it would've been, it still would've made things a lot easier.

 

You make it sound simple to do, but I want everyone reading this to understand that when faced with this moment, the fear is overpowering. For me, I could literally hear the blood pumping in my ears, and it was an agonizing decision that had to be made in a split second. I did the wrong thing, but I imagine that, like BetrayedH said, the fact that you've been trying to work this out here gave you the additional strength you needed to tell the truth. I'm glad you did.

 

You have a long road ahead of you. It's challenging, but it's worth the journey, and it's an important time to reexamine everything - about yourself and your relationship. Do the work and you'll have good results, whether or not the relationship weathers the storm. I wish you all the best.