I just confessed.

[HereNorThere]

WTH? Why should she offer to move out? They have young children. They should discuss it together before they make any decisions like that. They have to think about what's best for the kids too. My H is a BH, he didn't want me or him to move out. They both need to process things first. It's not even been 24 hours since she confessed. Don't you think you're jumping the gun a bit?

 

 

I guess that's something I've never understood. So now, after practically destroying their home, betraying their parent, and statistically messing up their future relationships, you want to start thinking about the children? It's just seems like an odd time to think about them when someone disregarded them for so long.

 

It's not jumping the gun to a large portion of people. Although it may appear different on this forum, it's a deal breaker for most healthy relationships. Either way, the husband and kids still have many years of suffering ahead of them, so I wish them the best and hope they can move on and find peace.

[violet1]

I think explaining to her H exactly what is going on in her head during the time is important. It didn't sound like justification to my H. He wanted to know why I did what I did. He wanted to know why I didn't think he was good enough. He wanted to know all those things. It actually helped my H process things. It didn't take the pain away no, but it did help him to know what was going on in my mind.

 

Waverly, I think writing him an email is a great start. No, I don't think you should offer to move out. I think the two of you need to take time and decide if R is on the table or not. My H actually took offense when I told him that we could D if he wanted to. He said, "You cheated on me and now you want to leave me too?" Remember R only works if you both want it. Don't make any rash decisions until you both know what you want. Right now a lot of your actions and thoughts will be based purely on emotions. Your and your H's emotions are going to go up and down the first little while. Seriously, just take a deep breath and don't get too overwhelmed. You are going to be okay.

[violet1]

I guess that's something I've never understood. So now, after practically destroying their home, betraying their parent, and statistically messing up their future relationships, you want to start thinking about the children? It's just seems like an odd time to think about them when someone disregarded them for so long.

 

It's not jumping the gun to a large portion of people. Although it may appear different on this forum, it's a deal breaker for most healthy relationships. Either way, the husband and kids still have many years of suffering ahead of them, so I wish them the best and hope they can move on and find peace.

If the OP and her H discuss things like adults they can be successful co parents. Affairs are selfish, but she can't change the past. So...yes her and her H need to focus on what's best for the future of their children. I know what the OP is going through so lets not make her feel worse than she already does. She needs encouragement because she's going to have to be strong to make it through this. I'm personally very proud of her because as much as it sucks, she's owning her sh*t. Confessing is not easy by any means. I think she deserves a little credit.

[HereNorThere]

I think explaining to her H exactly what is going on in her head during the time is important. It didn't sound like justification to my H. He wanted to know why I did what I did. He wanted to know why I didn't think he was good enough. He wanted to know all those things. It actually helped my H process things. It didn't take the pain away no, but it did help him to know what was going on in my mind.

 

Waverly, I think writing him an email is a great start. No, I don't think you should offer to move out. I think the two of you need to take time and decide if R is on the table or not. My H actually took offense when I told him that we could D if he wanted to. He said, "You cheated on me and now you want to leave me too?" Remember R only works if you both want it. Don't make any rash decisions until you both know what you want. Right now a lot of your actions and thoughts will be based purely on emotions. Your and your H's emotions are going to go up and down the first little while. Seriously, just take a deep breath and don't get too overwhelmed. You are going to be okay.

 

I dunno, it kinda seems like you agreed with me. I think it was a nice gesture that you at least offered to divorce your husband. A lot of men stay with an adulteress simply because they are afraid to lose their home. By offering to move out, it shows you are taking responsibility for our actions. If he needs time apart, it should be her who leaves. It would be the least selfish, most selfless thing she could do. Otherwise, you not only destroyed your family, you also kicked their Father out on the street, on Father's day no less.

[fellini]

I know what the OP is going through so lets not make her feel worse than she already does. She needs encouragement because she's going to have to be strong to make it through this. I'm personally very proud of her because as much as it sucks, she's owning her sh*t. Confessing is not easy by any means. I think she deserves a little credit.

 

First of all, its her H who is now feeling worse than she is.

It's her H who is going to have to be strong if they are going to survive.

She's owning her sh*t might mean OWNING it and offering to leave. OFFER, make sure the H is comfortable, a structured separation, not a separation so he can spend nights worried she is back with her AP.

 

Confessing is not easy, but confessing takes the weight off the confessor and puts it all on the BS to bear. I think credit is a little premature here.

[violet1]

I guess that's something I've never understood. So now, after practically destroying their home, betraying their parent, and statistically messing up their future relationships, you want to start thinking about the children? It's just seems like an odd time to think about them when someone disregarded them for so long.

 

It's not jumping the gun to a large portion of people. Although it may appear different on this forum, it's a deal breaker for most healthy relationships. Either way, the husband and kids still have many years of suffering ahead of them, so I wish them the best and hope they can move on and find peace.

 

First of all, its her H who is now feeling worse than she is.

It's her H who is going to have to be strong if they are going to survive.

She's owning her sh*t might mean OWNING it and offering to leave. OFFER, make sure the H is comfortable, a structured separation, not a separation so he can spend nights worried she is back with her AP.

 

Confessing is not easy, but confessing takes the weight off the confessor and puts it all on the BS to bear. I think credit is a little premature here.

Yes, her H needs to be strong, but he's not posting here. She is so my advice is going directly to her. Confessing doesn't take that much weight off the WS. I felt worse afterwards.

[Waverly]

I offered to leave, with or without the kids, whatever he wanted, for however long he wanted. He refused. Any other hair-shirt gestures you'd like me to make?

[Clay]

Good for you to confessing. Its a start in the right direction.

 

Clay

[twosadthings]

If you offered to leave without your children for however long he wanted I'm not sure I should be posting on your thread. It will be tough enough for him to wonder how you could emotionally abandon him but now he has to gauge your commitment to your children.

 

Your hair shirt comment is not a healthy sign as to your ability to reconcile. For that matter you willingness to bail on your husband and children just further labels you as selfish and self-serving.

 

These are not kind words I know but now is the time to take an inventory of yourself and figure out what you want, how much you want it and what you're willing to do to get it.

 

Twosadthings

[HereNorThere]

I offered to leave, with or without the kids, whatever he wanted, for however long he wanted. He refused. Any other hair-shirt gestures you'd like me to make?

 

Confessing and offering to leave is a good start for someone in your situation. Although things will never be the same, I do wish you and your (ex?)husband the best of luck. I'm a firm believer that you can take what you learned in previous relationships and make the next ones better.

 

Now is the time to start researching what effect this is going to have on your children, the best ways to explain it to them, etc. They've been betrayed as bad or worse as your husband, so you have to figure out how to lessen the blow on them as well as him. It's going to be life long process, but hang in there.

Edited June 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Waverly]

If you offered to leave without your children for however long he wanted I'm not sure I should be posting on your thread. It will be tough enough for him to wonder how you could emotionally abandon him but now he has to gauge your commitment to your children.

 

Your hair shirt comment is not a healthy sign as to your ability to reconcile. For that matter you willingness to bail on your husband and children just further labels you as selfish and self-serving.

 

These are not kind words I know but now is the time to take an inventory of yourself and figure out what you want, how much you want it and what you're willing to do to get it.

 

Twosadthings

 

 

No, they're not kind words. Look, I'll take my lumps here -- I deserve them. But I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't with this crowd. I told my husband I would do whatever he wanted. If I came on here and said that I offered to leave with the kids, I'd be accused of ripping them away from him. If I say that I offered to let leave the kids stay with him, I'm being accused of being selfish and self-serving and not committed to my children.

 

Of course I'm committed to my kids. This is getting ridiculous.

[Snowflower]

No, they're not kind words. Look, I'll take my lumps here -- I deserve them. But I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't with this crowd. I told my husband I would do whatever he wanted. If I came on here and said that I offered to leave with the kids, I'd be accused of ripping them away from him. If I say that I offered to let leave the kids stay with him, I'm being accused of being selfish and self-serving and not committed to my children.

 

Of course I'm committed to my kids. This is getting ridiculous.

 

hang in there, Waverly.

 

I don't think some of these posters are even reading the thread. Ignore them.

 

How can we help you?

[Bittersweetie]

In defense of Waverly...

 

Immediately after my d-day, my husband and I spent ten days apart. I stayed with my parents while he stayed at home. It was not an abandonment on either side, it seemed like the best decision for us at that time. I believe it worked for us, giving us a cooling off period, a time to regroup, time alone to decide on next steps. Then when I came home, we moved right into the difficult discussions. So I don't think that her offer was necessarily a "willingness to bail."

 

However, my H and I did not have any children at that time, so I can see how my option may be more difficult to implement int his case.

 

Waverly if you have any questions feel free to PM me.

 

BSW

[HereNorThere]

I'm usually not for lying, but you could have at least let the kids and father have their father's day. You lied for this long, I just don't see what difference one more day or even week would have mattered. I can't imagine him having to remember this every father's day for the rest of his life. Poor, poor (ex)husband and children.

 

For the record, I'm sure it's not easy being the OP. She too will have to live with this, but wow, on Father's day? Really? All this time and Father's day, wow. You're supposed to things that make it easier to cope, not harder.

Edited June 16, 2014 by HereNorThere

[anne1707]

I'm usually not for lying, but you could have at least let the kids and father have their father's day. You lied for this long, I just don't see what difference one more day or even week would have mattered. I can't imagine him having to remember this every father's day for the rest of his life. Poor, poor husband and children.

 

For the record, I'm sure it's not easy being the OP. She too will have to live with this, but wow, on Father's day? Really? All this time and Father's day, wow.

 

If you read the thread, you will see that Waverley has already explained this. She did the right thing so let's try and help her through that rather than criticise her for the day all was disclosed. There is never a good day to that but the important thing is that she has done it.

 

Waverley should also not just move out of the family home unless her husband wants her to do that. She needs to show that she wants the marriage and by leaving without being asked, she will give a completely wrong message.

 

She needs to be strong, patient and understanding as her husband goes through a whole range of emotions.

 

Listen to your husband Waverley and do all you can to show him that you want to be with him and are willing to do all the hard work needed for this.

[whatatangledweb]

No, they're not kind words. Look, I'll take my lumps here -- I deserve them. But I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't with this crowd. I told my husband I would do whatever he wanted. If I came on here and said that I offered to leave with the kids, I'd be accused of ripping them away from him. If I say that I offered to let leave the kids stay with him, I'm being accused of being selfish and self-serving and not committed to my children.

 

Of course I'm committed to my kids. This is getting ridiculous.

 

You have handled everything right. Best advice I can give you is don't tickle truth. That almost killed me. Follow his lead. If he wants to talk and ask questions then do that. If he wants to not talk certain days than allow that.

[not-so-sure]

My suggestion is that waverly get off LS for awhile.

Edited June 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sweet_pea]

I think it might be worth it to include a timeline of events as well as the why, if you haven't. He will probably want to know when the affair started, ended and so on. If that's been suggested already, I apologize.

[whichwayisup]

I offered to leave, with or without the kids, whatever he wanted, for however long he wanted. He refused. Any other hair-shirt gestures you'd like me to make?

 

Let this play out as it will. He is going to come talk to you about it all when he is ready.

 

Him refusing your suggestions shows that he more than likely is willing to work this out.

 

Try to stay positive (I know, easier said than done) and focus on the more helpful advice, not on conspiracy theories that some may put out on here.

[whichwayisup]

No, they're not kind words. Look, I'll take my lumps here -- I deserve them. But I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't with this crowd. I told my husband I would do whatever he wanted. If I came on here and said that I offered to leave with the kids, I'd be accused of ripping them away from him. If I say that I offered to let leave the kids stay with him, I'm being accused of being selfish and self-serving and not committed to my children.

 

Of course I'm committed to my kids. This is getting ridiculous.

 

You didn't have to come here and open up like you have, but you did. Kudos to you (again) for telling your H and for sharing on here. Don't respond to the ruder and posts that are not genuine. Just ignore and answer posts from people you know ARE trying to help you from the heart. You know the difference.

[not-so-sure]

You didn't have to come here and open up like you have, but you did. Kudos to you (again) for telling your H and for sharing on here. Don't respond to the ruder and posts that are not genuine. Just ignore and answer posts from people you know ARE trying to help you from the heart. You know the difference.

 

I think you put it more eloquently than I did, and reflects the reason I suggested she leave here for a while.

Edited June 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

I think you put it more eloquently than I did, and reflects the reason I suggested she leave here for a while.

 

She should stay, completely ignore certain replies and only reply to what she finds helpful. Ignoring those who are trying to pick apart and over analyze isn't helpful to her or anybody else who may be needing help and not ready to speak up yet. She's been on LS for a year now so I do know she has some thick skin.

Edited June 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[violet1]

I'm usually not for lying, but you could have at least let the kids and father have their father's day. You lied for this long, I just don't see what difference one more day or even week would have mattered. I can't imagine him having to remember this every father's day for the rest of his life. Poor, poor (ex)husband and children.

 

For the record, I'm sure it's not easy being the OP. She too will have to live with this, but wow, on Father's day? Really? All this time and Father's day, wow. You're supposed to things that make it easier to cope, not harder.

Stop with the Father's Day remarks already. What is done is done. Help her, don't keep adding fuel to the fire. It's not helpful to the OP.

[William]

Let's move on from the editorial cross-talk and refocus on assisting the thread starter with their issues. Thanks!

[italianjob]

Waverly,

what I'm really wondering about is: have you made up your mind about what you really want now? Are you up for a R or for a divorce?

I'm asking because if I remember correctly, you were still longing for your AP a few weeks back, and a couple of months ago you were writing about never being "really in love" with your husband.

Your H is going to break his silence sooner or later and start asking questions, and he's going to ask the important ones... Are you ready for those? Are you going to answer them with the truth, even if it means you lose your chances for R?