I just confessed.

[PachucaSunrise]

Waverly - I'm thinking about you today and sending you lots of love and good vibes. I'm glad you can see that this thread is becoming somewhat ridiculous - I agree. Pay no mind to the negativity - that's not what you need right now.

 

What's done is done. Discussing all the 'shoulda, whoulda, coulda's' is like beating a dead horse. It doesn't matter what day the truth came out; what matters most IS THAT THE TRUTH CAME OUT. Now the focus is on where to go from here. The answers aren't going to reveal themselves overnight, so be kind to yourself and your H, and patient with the process.

 

Stay strong, take care of your family, and let everyone here bicker amongst themselves.

 

This is YOUR life - and you need to do what's best for YOU and YOUR family.

 

The first step is the hardest, and you've already got that one down. Be proud of yourself for doing the RIGHT THING.

 

You know those of us on here who truly have your back. We're not going anywhere. Take your time and come here when you're ready. Until then, keep your chin up. You're doing the best you can. Don't forget that.

 

BIG hugs to you!

[velvette]

No, they're not kind words. Look, I'll take my lumps here -- I deserve them. But I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't with this crowd. I told my husband I would do whatever he wanted. If I came on here and said that I offered to leave with the kids, I'd be accused of ripping them away from him. If I say that I offered to let leave the kids stay with him, I'm being accused of being selfish and self-serving and not committed to my children.

 

Of course I'm committed to my kids. This is getting ridiculous.

 

 

Sometimes there are some surprisingly helpful though unintentional nuggets in the worst or most inappropriate advise for us.

 

The catch 22 feeling some posters have given you is useful for increasing your empathy toward your H. He may have many of those moments and it may be useful at certain points for you to acknowledge that and empathize with his feelings.

 

There are lots of catch 22 moments for the BS. Forgive something they have previously held strong beliefs is unforgivable. Divorce to escape the betrayal vs less time with children. Wanting comfort from a spouse while at the same time despising them for what they have done. Having sex with a spouse while being repulsed they've had sex with someone else. The list goes on and on.

 

There are lots of catch 22 damned if I do/damned if I don't moments for both parties when it comes to infidelity.

 

Take whats useful and leave the rest. Save your energy for your H, yourself and your family.

[Orange floor]

But

When i found out about my spouse the last thing i wanted her to say was "i'll go" that was not going to help me because i had to still get stuff done and work and keep things going and could not do that on my own. Half of me thought "she wants to get out, drop a bomb and run, maybe to the OM" what I really wanted was time - yep i wanted to strangle her [not literally] i did not want to go through this alone and she was the closest person to me. i didn't necessarily want to drag every detail out at that moment but it was a lifeline to just getting on with a sort of parallel lives - the one that had to keep going for the family - and the rotten one that was making me puke each time i thought about it.

 

I did want her to see what it was doing to me, if she was not with me how would i explain to the kids - without her there beside me they would get answers to questions that could be wrong for them at that stage.

 

You know your husband better than anyone else, you will know if he wants what you are offering or you know if it is you that wants these i think what you need is some decisions together about what is best right now, tomorrow, next week and so on - thats what we did, sure there were crashes but there were no write offs -

 

not easy i know

Edited June 16, 2014 by Orange floor
spelling

[Realist3]

Waverly,

what I'm really wondering about is: have you made up your mind about what you really want now? Are you up for a R or for a divorce?

I'm asking because if I remember correctly, you were still longing for your AP a few weeks back, and a couple of months ago you were writing about never being "really in love" with your husband.

 

This was my question too. Granted I have not read every thread or every post you have made on the topic, but the vast majority I have read have been about your struggles in getting over the affair. In fact even in this thread I don't really get the sense you are sold on R. I don't know the exact time since the end of the affair, but 8 months or so is quite a good length of time. Was this an exit affair for you in some form, and was confessing at this point a way to expedite that process? I know some people confess as a means of a wake up call to the BS to change their ways.

 

Just curious as to where you stand.

[Hardgrind]

Waverly, this is a difficult time for both you and your H.

 

Don't expect either yourself or H to be able to make any long term decisions on your M over the next few months. Be careful not to burn bridges or lock into plans that will be difficult to alter. Neither of you are likely to see things the same six months from now as you do today.

 

One thing that you have strongly in your favor is that you confessed when H asked.

 

As a BH my emotions were not what I expected on D Day. I actually felt relieved because I had suspected for 3 months but there was some gaslighting by WW and head burying be me, so it felt good to know I had not been losing my mind.

 

It will be a roller coaster ride for both of you, so hang in there and take care of yourselves and try to help each other.

[atreides]

I offered to leave, with or without the kids, whatever he wanted, for however long he wanted. He refused. Any other hair-shirt gestures you'd like me to make?

 

((waverly))

 

You decided to post, which you know will bring both support and criticism. No matter what, you did the right thing.

 

One thing i have learned here on LS is that there is no template or default as to what to do but one thing for sure is the only one that matters right now is your H and not what others think you should do. He will let you know in his own and his own time. The one thing you can offer to your H is what you would like to do, R or D, but be honest with yourself as well.

 

All the best.

Edited June 16, 2014 by atreides

[alwayshere]

Remember...

 

The only people to whom you owe anything are your husband, your children, and yourself. A WS can feel very much like a prisoner in the coleseum in ancient Rome, where a good portion of the audience is rooting for the lion.

 

Focus on your family.

[aliveagain]

You didn't have to come here and open up like you have, but you did. Kudos to you (again) for telling your H and for sharing on here. Don't respond to the ruder and posts that are not genuine. Just ignore and answer posts from people you know ARE trying to help you from the heart. You know the difference.

 

You Did the right thing regardless of how relationship turns out, secrets are toxic to your soul, this is about fixing you so whatever relationship you are in your in 100%. The fact that you came clean to your husband will be seen as you choosing him and your marriage over the OM. You told him the truth about betraying him, let him speak next, he will make it clear if he wants you to leave. Do not minimize what you have done, do not blame shift and absolutely, do not trickle truth when he starts asking you for details.

[Owl6118]

I am sure today was awful, Waverly.

 

Somehow I think back on my first day of sobriety, long ago. At your second AA meeting they used to give you a little plastic chip for surviving that first 24 hours sober. I still have mine.

 

If I had an integrity chip, I would give it to you tonight. Heck, I'd declare my 24 hour sobriety chip an integrity chip and pass it on to you if I could.

[Friskyone4u]

I think you really need to decide if you do not already know on what you want . Of course you want your family intact but if you do not love your husband truly you will do it again. Offering to sleep on couch or to move out are nice gestures but what he will need is to know and believe you want to be with him and only him and that you will be willing to do whatever it takes to help him heal.

That includes total transparency and answering truthfully any and all questions that will eventually come. I don't think the why is as important now as the absolute proof thru action that it ain't going to happen again and that includes NC with AP that should be offered by you.

If you do not want these things you will eventually be miserable again and repeat the behavior

[jackslife]

Waverley.

 

Have just started reading your posts (from Feb) and it is quite a journey (I hate that word) you're on. As a WH myself - I think I'm in a very similar place only a few months earlier, if you see what I mean.

 

It's easy to see yourself as the 'bad' one here. But I don't think for a minute you'd have had an affair if you were happy in your marriage. The thing about marriage it isn't just about two people who can split when it suits them, but about children and finances and friends and family, so we take pleasure in other ways.

 

It took some balls to confess but don't be endlessly hard on yourself. Just be honest with your husband now, you've done the difficult bit.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited June 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[y2k]

The thing about marriage it isn't just about two people who can split when it suits them, but about children and finances and friends and family, so we take pleasure in other ways.

 

I disagree here. If you're seriously not in love with the husband or wife (even worse if you're in love with someone else), then the marriage is effectively dead (and should end).

 

It needs to be based on legit love, NOT obligations. Children, finances, family, etc comes from the legit love that produced that marriage. IF the love is gone, then the marriage needs to be eliminated, because the other consequences of marriage (children, finances, etc) will not become something enjoyable, but something that will make you miserable. It's not healthy. It's 2014. Children and finances can be handled in any divorce (this requires real maturity). Friends and family have no business to dictate your love life.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Firstly I want to commend you for your honesty, I know that it had to be extremely hard. Your husband is going to be a roller coaster of emotions for a period of time. The best thing that you can do is be patient with him. Counseling should be a place for him to express emotions in a safe environment. The counseling should also be a place for you to address other issues in the marriage that need to change. Additionally, I recommend you answer all his questions, but don't offer details unless ask to do so. He will probably ask the same question several times and ways to try and understand. It is hard to logically understand an illogical decision, and eventually you just have to come to except it happened. It will take him awhile to get there, but hopefully with counseling, patience and love he will get there. I believe that most relationships can be saved, if both parties work to save the relationship. You may have to carry him a little ways. Best of luck to you and your family.

[road]

I offered to leave, with or without the kids, whatever he wanted, for however long he wanted. He refused. Any other hair-shirt gestures you'd like me to make?

 

 

 

Offering to do the wrong thing is not helpful. You want to stay married then you stay put.

[y2k]

Offering to do the wrong thing is not helpful. You want to stay married then you stay put.

 

I disagree.

 

Waverley is clearly not in love with her husband (otherwise the affair would have never happened). Why should she be forced??? That's beyond illogical.

 

She should be honest to both her husband and herself. She should let him go so that he can find a woman who will love him for real. Then she should find someone for herself. It could have been her other man, but according to this story, he is not budging from his position so he is probably not for her.

 

Staying with a man just for some sort of obligation (or even worse, staying with a husband when in reality you'd rather be with someone else) is not healthy. It's 2014. Divorces happen, and people re-do their lives (even with a child).

 

Just my two cents.

[gettingstronger]

Hey there!

 

Hope you and your husband are doing OK- my best advice is to be as honest and gentle as you possibly can-only you know the conversations and mind set going on in your house-only you know if offering to leave with or without kids is helpful, etc...

 

For everything one thing you say right, three things will come out wrong- he will be doing the same thing- saying things, doing things, changing his mind, anger, love, confusion-its all part of the very early days- the thing that was the most helpful is that he was truthful- answered my never ending questions thoughtfully and truthfully- its a roller coaster-you will feel hopeless and like crap but there will be a sense of the burden of the A and the lying that is lifted as well-

 

Try to minimize around the kids- stay as calm as you can- get some help with them if possible- have someone take them out-they see and hear far more than you realize-

 

I did not mean for this post to sound like a downer-just want to let you know-its a difficult situation and there will be difficult days and months ahead- be prepared and most of all be truthful-

 

Good luck and take care-

[alwayshere]

How are you this morning, Waverly?

Edited June 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alwayshere]

Hey there!

 

Hope you and your husband are doing OK- my best advice is to be as honest and gentle as you possibly can-only you know the conversations and mind set going on in your house-only you know if offering to leave with or without kids is helpful, etc...

 

For everything one thing you say right, three things will come out wrong- he will be doing the same thing- saying things, doing things, changing his mind, anger, love, confusion-its all part of the very early days- the thing that was the most helpful is that he was truthful- answered my never ending questions thoughtfully and truthfully- its a roller coaster-you will feel hopeless and like crap but there will be a sense of the burden of the A and the lying that is lifted as well-

 

Try to minimize around the kids- stay as calm as you can- get some help with them if possible- have someone take them out-they see and hear far more than you realize-

 

I did not mean for this post to sound like a downer-just want to let you know-its a difficult situation and there will be difficult days and months ahead- be prepared and most of all be truthful-

 

Good luck and take care-

 

THIS is advice that actually takes thought, and it's very good advice. It will get harder before it gets better, but it CAN get better.

[italianjob]

I disagree here. If you're seriously not in love with the husband or wife (even worse if you're in love with someone else), then the marriage is effectively dead (and should end).

 

It needs to be based on legit love, NOT obligations. Children, finances, family, etc comes from the legit love that produced that marriage. IF the love is gone, then the marriage needs to be eliminated, because the other consequences of marriage (children, finances, etc) will not become something enjoyable, but something that will make you miserable. It's not healthy. It's 2014. Children and finances can be handled in any divorce (this requires real maturity). Friends and family have no business to dictate your love life.

 

I think this is what should be. I also think you can carry on with a marriage because of matters different than love, but it should be very clear and agreed upon by both parties. In that case what you have is more a business agreement than a marriage.

To carry on a loveless marriage having your partner believe it's a legitimate one should be filed under "fraud".

[William]

As an advisory to members, including references to a commercial product during posts is acceptable, like a book title and/or ISBN#, as long as the post is not specifically about a product and is used as context for sharing advice and/or experience.

 

I found, due to reviewing an account, the use of a similar product name/author to occur 181 times, so will advise members that repetitively promoting the same product can result in sanctions. Normally we ban people for promoting commercial products but give leeway in the case of books and literature, as long as our policies are followed and it isn't a habit.

 

With housekeeping complete, back to assisting this member who apparently has confessed to her husband. Thanks!

[alwayshere]

Waverly, sometime over the next few days or weeks, your BH is likely to finally let himself look at the fact that you had an A full in the face, and the anger will come. When this happens, he will say things that cut to the core, he may want to participate in marathon, exhausting discussions, etc.

 

Obviously, actual abuse (not the PC hurty feelings definition of abuse) is not acceptable, BUT my advice would be to remain open, transparent, humble, compassionate, and do your best to hang with him through the discussions. In a way, this is like lancing a huge infection. If he cannot get all of the painful stuff OUT, it will fester. If you find yourself feeling defensive or wanting to ask when it will all be over, try to rally. Tell yourself that you are making amends and helping him heal by listening, taking responsibility, and answering every question. And take heart. When someone allows themselves to actually, outwardly grieve something intensely, they are less likely to carry it like a stone (or bludgeon) indefinitely.

[Owl]

Our marriage counselor recommended that...after we'd gone through the initial week or so of talking about nothing else...we schedule time to talk about the affair. Twice a week, one hour at a time, we'd talk about it. We kept a journal so we would remember where we left off, or could go back and write things down we wanted to discuss the next time we met.

 

At the end of that hour, it had to stop. We'd usually give ourselves a treat, like ice cream or something, afterwards.

 

Waverly, realize that you're in a marathon...not a sprint. This is going to take a long time for your marriage to recover from...and it may not.

 

Understand and accept that up front.

 

And...without wanting to get in trouble here...it may be worth going to your library and checking out and reading any of several good relationship books on infidelity, reconciliation, and general relationship principles.

 

Understanding how others got back on track should be worthwhile.

[carhill]

OP, regarding the marathon part, IME that's really held to be consistent. As example, the last MW I recommended counseling to was still working the issues a full ten years after her A. Their silver (25) anniversary is next year. IMO, she's made a lot of personal progress in the last year and I am hopeful they will be one of those happy married for life older couples I experience in life. The difference between them and myself and my exW is that they love each other (I've known them from before her A) and we didn't. If such is similar between you and H, in that the love is there, this confession can be a beginning to a completely new and different life path for you.

 

Life throws stuff at us. It's up to us how we choose to handle it. Your choices are your power. Use that power wisely. Good luck!

[bubbaganoosh]

I offered to leave, with or without the kids, whatever he wanted, for however long he wanted. He refused. Any other hair-shirt gestures you'd like me to make?

 

OK. he refused and didn't throw you out or take your offer to move. IMO, that's a start because lets face it if he didn't want you around, then either he would have left or you would have.

 

He's going to need time and your going to have to let him get this out of his system.

 

When the time is right your both going to have a sit down and get things out in the open. So far you owned up to your affair and he's has to process it.

[BetrayedH]

How are you this morning, Waverly?

 

Yeah, this needs a bump.

 

Waverly, you have a lot of people thinking about you here. Some of them even have good intentions.

 

Hope you're doing ok today.