I just confessed.

[10thengineerharrison]

I think this kind of confession takes real courage. And I think waverly's "offer" 2 do whatever her H wants her 2 do showed some serious humility, not selfishness at all.

 

She left the choice of what he wants 2 do with his fu2re up 2 him - she isn't making his decisions for him with that offer.

 

Many of us former BH's would have been delighted with such an offer.

 

It's a very good start, IMHO.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

[Waverly]

I'm still here. A bit battered (figuratively) but still here. I wouldn't have expected it to be otherwise, but yes, the last few days have been exceedingly difficult, and I won't say that I've been holding up particularly well, emotionally or physically. Again, I'm not expecting any sympathy here.

 

Thank you to all who have reached out with supportive words. It means more than you probably realize. I feel like I owe a longer update, and will try to get to it soon. For now, I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

 

I'm still at home, my husband and kids are still home, and that's about all I can say right now. We're talking through everything. He wants to work it out, but it remains to be seen whether that's something that can actually be done or not, on both of our parts.

[Waverly]

I am sure today was awful, Waverly.

 

Somehow I think back on my first day of sobriety, long ago. At your second AA meeting they used to give you a little plastic chip for surviving that first 24 hours sober. I still have mine.

 

If I had an integrity chip, I would give it to you tonight. Heck, I'd declare my 24 hour sobriety chip an integrity chip and pass it on to you if I could.

 

Your knack continues unabated. Thank you.

[William]

The thread starter requested some personally identifiable information to be removed and moderation has acted on that request and some downthread postings have been edited or deleted while retaining topical content as much as possible.

 

Also, noting some moderator action on the last page, I'll remind members to keep their comments civil and respectful to the thread starter and, as with most long threads, to read the thread, as aspects of the discussion evolve over time. Thanks for reading and please continue!

[Snowflower]

I'm still here. A bit battered (figuratively) but still here. I wouldn't have expected it to be otherwise, but yes, the last few days have been exceedingly difficult, and I won't say that I've been holding up particularly well, emotionally or physically. Again, I'm not expecting any sympathy here.

 

Thank you to all who have reached out with supportive words. It means more than you probably realize. I feel like I owe a longer update, and will try to get to it soon. For now, I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

 

I'm still at home, my husband and kids are still home, and that's about all I can say right now. We're talking through everything. He wants to work it out, but it remains to be seen whether that's something that can actually be done or not, on both of our parts.

 

Thanks for updating! Make sure you get enough rest, eat well, and stay hydrated. Maybe work in some exercise too. In other words, take care of yourself.

[Owl6118]

I found the chip for you. I have not looked at it in a long time. It's gold. It's made of cheap plastic. It's very precious to me but I am glad to share it with you.

 

On the front it says "24 hours" in a triangle whose three sides are labelled Unity, Service, Recovery. Around that is the motto, "To thine own self be true."

 

On the reverse is the Serenity Prayer. I am sure you know that one.

 

You know what's interesting? It doesn't say anything about AA or alcoholism or sobriety. Just 24 hours. Recovery.

 

I'll keep it on my desk for a while where I can see it every day.

[gettingstronger]

Yes, take care of yourself so you can take care of the kids and have the best shot possible at recovery.

[Waverly]

I found the chip for you. I have not looked at it in a long time. It's gold. It's made of cheap plastic. It's very precious to me but I am glad to share it with you.

 

On the front it says "24 hours" in a triangle whose three sides are labelled Unity, Service, Recovery. Around that is the motto, "To thine own self be true."

 

On the reverse is the Serenity Prayer. I am sure you know that one.

 

You know what's interesting? It doesn't say anything about AA or alcoholism or sobriety. Just 24 hours. Recovery.

 

I'll keep it on my desk for a while where I can see it every day.

 

To thine own self be true. I was having a conversation very recently with someone, and the question came up as to what my most important values are. I responded with that quote as part of my answer.

 

It's a tricky thing. I do genuinely value that, and it's something I've struggled with in various ways throughout my life, about how to both be true to myself and also, well, not be a selfish jerk. I've obviously failed pretty magnificently at that lately.

 

But, it's time I figure this out again. I still don't know what's going to happen. I may very well end up losing everything. I'm not ready to face that yet, or face what life may look like from here on out. But somewhere on the way forward, I need to find my own self again.

 

As always -- thank you.

[Owl6118]

I thought about that too. Maybe a slight rephrasing is in order:

 

"To thine best self be true."

[Patna]

Waverly, been following your sharing because our stories are very similar. I haven't been to LS recently because I'm in a mess. Just log in today and saw this thread. I hope you are feeling better today. Hugs.

 

Don't have to agree with those negative comments because some people are just being bitter and want to bring down others. But I believe everyone's situation is different, and no one knows it better than you. Your husband seems like a person who rises above these negative people, and it's how he deals with this that makes you fall in love with him again. Don't give up on yourself, and most importantly him, when the going gets tough.

[Hardgrind]

Waverly,

 

Regardless of whether you and H ultimately D or R, I though it might be helpful knowing what some of the thought processes and emotions your H is going through. These are based on my experience as a BH and the wish-list I've developed for things I wish my wife had/would do differently.

 

1. If your H is asking a lot of questions and keeps asking about the same stuff over and over, that's actually a good sign that he wants to R. He is trying to piece together the recent past and that's a process. He is trying to match up what you have told him with what he remembers.

 

2. If he isn't asking for any information, it may be a sign that he has no interest in R, and therefore there is no desire to understand what happened.

 

3. Don't withdraw or be reluctant to answer his questions even if the answers obviously hurt him. If you don't provide him with information, his brain will fill in the blanks. From personal experience, my brain is/was able to come up with much worse stuff than what really happened or is happening.

 

4. Like me, I suspect your H also has issues he must address if you and he are going to R. Be careful not to bring these up too soon, because they will appear to be justifications for having the A.

 

5. You can't be "friends" with AP and reconcile with H. That is a fantasy. Even if somehow you can step back to a "friends-only" relationship with AP, your husband will never believe that. If you maintain contact (even if its just e-mails) with AP your husband can only see that as an indication of fence-sitting.....you are keeping the AP there as a back up plan, to go back to anytime things in the M get rough. I know you probably don't see it that way, but H will. DO NOT continue to contact AP and hide it from H.

 

6. Don't suggest to your H that it would be okay if he hooks up with someone and has sex with another woman in order to even things up, unless you both have previously agreed to having an open marriage. Your H will probably just see that as a guilt-release pathway for yourself, or as a potential justification to continue the PA on your part. It will not be seen as good gesture on your part.

 

7. Do show him affection, it doesn't have to be sexual in nature. If you want to R, hold his hand, touch his arm, etc. My wife did this immediately after DDay, which was very helpful. She doesn't do it enough, to be honest.

 

Wishing you the best.

[anne1707]

2. If he isn't asking for any information, it may be a sign that he has no interest in R, and therefore there is no desire to understand what happened.

 

Waverely

 

Lots of good advice and pointers in Hardgrind's post there but I would like to emphasise the "may" in the above. My H did not ask for lots of details but he did want to reconcile and understand. Our emphasis was on why the affair happened and not what happened in the affair

[gettingstronger]

Hope you are well-

 

In addition to all of the above- I think for me a few things that meant the most

 

-honesty even when it was difficult to hear

-no judgement- I know I was being difficult to deal with but he never made me feel like I was

-touch-even if its just brushing your hand across his back as you walk by

- our mantra on a bad night "get up tomorrow morning and try again"

[DKT3]

When I found out about my wife's A, I didn't rage out either, not on the outside anyways. What I did was started looking for reasons to stay. I guess it could have been mistaken for not fighting which wasn't true, I had to see what I was fighting for. After 6 months of her lying and blameshifting I came to the concludion there was nothing to fight for. I totally disconnected and hung around because I didn't want to be a part time father.

 

Point is, there is only so much he is going to endure, maybe he has already had enough and just hasn't shown it outwardly. My wife asked me about three weeks before she was served and I moved out if I wanted to still be married, my response? Yes, and it wasn't the truth. Watch his actions not his words, if he is anything like me he may already be gone.

[atreides]

Waverly,

 

6. Don't suggest to your H that it would be okay if he hooks up with someone and has sex with another woman in order to even things up, unless you both have previously agreed to having an open marriage. Your H will probably just see that as a guilt-release pathway for yourself, or as a potential justification to continue the PA on your part. It will not be seen as good gesture on your part.

 

 

Some great advise on this thread.... this quote caught my eye.

I wanted to add to it: why tic for tac with an affair does not work... one is based on deceit and lies which is the A, but to allow or permit the BS to have a sexual encounter has nothing to do with deceit and lies and no WS or BS trying to R should attempt to make the connection or equivalence.

 

((waverly))

Some good advise and I am sure your mind is racing, all i can offer is a "internet hug" at the moment and wish you and H the best.

[not-so-sure]

Some great advise on this thread.... this quote caught my eye.

I wanted to add to it: why tic for tac with an affair does not work... one is based on deceit and lies which is the A, but to allow or permit the BS to have a sexual encounter has nothing to do with deceit and lies and no WS or BS trying to R should attempt to make the connection or equivalence.

 

((waverly))

Some good advise and I am sure your mind is racing, all i can offer is a "internet hug" at the moment and wish you and H the best.

 

This is a very good point. My wife asked if she should have an affair. I said "It wouldn't be an affair, it would be an agreement".

 

It's a long road Waverly. If both you and your husband want it you can get through this.

[italianjob]

I still don't know what to support in your case, Waverly.

You talk about wanting your family, but you wrote previously that you still have deep feelings for your AP and that you felt that you were never really in love with your current husband.

If that's really how you feel and nothing has changed I frankly won't wish you to succeed in deceiving your husband in a false R that he doesn't deserve. If that's changed or was a rewriting of your marital history, I might support your wish for R, but only if it's sincere...

Be honest to him, stop playing with his feelings.

[Waverly]

I still don't know what to support in your case, Waverly.

You talk about wanting your family, but you wrote previously that you still have deep feelings for your AP and that you felt that you were never really in love with your current husband.

If that's really how you feel and nothing has changed I frankly won't wish you to succeed in deceiving your husband in a false R that he doesn't deserve. If that's changed or was a rewriting of your marital history, I might support your wish for R, but only if it's sincere...

Be honest to him, stop playing with his feelings.

 

I did have deep feelings for my xAP. I'm not going to deny that. And, no matter what else was broken inside of me, I still maintain that I wouldn't have had an A if that weren't the case.

 

I, generally, have a hard time letting go of relationships, whether right or wrong. I held on far too long to the relationship and friendship I had with my xAP. I still care about him, very much, but you know what? He's not in my life. He's not meant to be in my life.

 

You may also recall that I mentioned that, affair aside (and no, I'm not trying to diminish that), I chose my H. Over and over again through the years, I chose him. Consciously and freely, and over my xAP. I loved him, I chose him, I married him. I was in a dark place in the last year or so -- in my marriage and in my head, for reasons I don't really want to get into here. I lost sight of that choice that I had made.

 

I am trying really really hard right now to fix this mess that I have made. Yes, my feelings are still messy and complicated. Whose aren't? We're all human. But I want to fix this, and I'm not deceiving anyone anymore. If my husband chooses to R with me, he is doing it with full knowledge of what I've done and where I stand right now. I'm choosing him -- again -- and I'm choosing my family.

 

I'm going to ask the mods to lock up this thread for a while. There have been a lot of people on here who have been helpful in ways they probably don't even comprehend, and I will be forever grateful for that.

 

Italianjob, your comment has actually been pretty mild compared to some that I've received on here. But somehow, right now, it's my tipping point. I'm not playing with anyone's feelings, and I'm finding the idea of this continued "support" a little difficult at the moment.

[SugarHibiscus]

Waverly- What you did took a lot of bravery. If I was inclined to confess, I don't know if I would have the guts. It sounds like you are married to a good man.

[Owl6118]

but you know what? He's not in my life. He's not meant to be in my life. You may also recall that I mentioned that, affair aside (and no, I'm not trying to diminish that), I chose my H. Over and over again through the years, I chose him. Consciously and freely, and over my xAP. I loved him, I chose him, I married him. I was in a dark place in the last year or so -- in my marriage and in my head, for reasons I don't really want to get into here. I lost sight of that choice that I had made.

 

Waverly... you sound alive again. It sounds really good.

 

But I want to fix this, and I'm not deceiving anyone anymore.

 

On Sunday, I will take out the one week chip and add it to the first one on my desk.

 

I'm going to ask the mods to lock up this thread for a while.

 

Take care of your husband and family and yourself as well. Let us know how you are getting on when you feel ready.