Father's Day Angst

[Raena]

So today was father's day. My son made a special card for his father at school that he wanted to give to him. Unfortunately, his father never calls him and never makes the effort to come see him.

 

I filed for custody about a month ago and haven't heard anything from the courthouse yet as to when we will be going so as it stands, nothing it set in place for visitation or the like.

 

After waiting all day to see if his father would call him, my son finally decided to call his father instead. I over heard what his father was telling him... basically he told him that he can't be bothered with driving the half hour to come pick him up, or meet halfway anywhere and spend the day with him that he has to wait until his mother(me) says it's ok for him to come spend the night. This is a source of contention. The one time he did go to his fathers for visitation it didn't go well. That was two months ago and since then he has not once picked up the phone to call his child or come see him. He leaves it up to our son instead. Then, he told him that he has all sorts of fun stuff planned for the summer. As it stands right now, there is no plan in place for our son to go see his father this summer. I'm not sure why he tells him these things without talking to me about it first.

 

I'm very aggravated. This man ditched his family for some hobo half his age and has been a deadbeat dad in just about every sense of the word since then. He never calls and he makes no effort whatsoever to be a father to him. Somehow, this is all my fault. I'm not sure how it's my fault that he can't be bothered to see his child.

 

In talking today, my son also conveyed to me 2 things... one is that he had met his father's gf before he and I split up and the second is that the last time he was at his fathers, his father left him alone with the girlfriend on both days and told him that she was allowed to spank him if she wanted to, that he better behave for her. The spanking part is news to me. He knows how I feel about that. I don't even spank my child and I would certainly not be ok with his father's hobo doing it either.

 

It's just so ridiculous. It's father's day and he couldn't be bothered to make time for his son, at all. I really hate that he's doing this to our boy. My son is so forgiving and still loves his father but the last thing he needs to hear is his father blaming his mother for his own failings. My son shouldn't need to hear about any of it from either of us.

 

I'm so aggravated and I don't know what else to do about this. He won't talk to me so co-parenting is not possible at this point.

[Tayla]

Starting down the road to single parenting is not easy. My heart goes out to you. These are challaneges indeed!

Three keys to navigate yourself thru.

(1) Never overcompensate or devalue the childs father.

(2) Be able to have a backup plan when the visiting parent changes plans.

(3) Keep the adult feelings out of the childs life.

 

The child should never be put in the middle of adult drama. Do not equate monetary with love of tha child. You'll find resourceful ways to move along. Plus the courts are in your favor most times.

 

Now go give that child a hug, be willing to hear there joys or disappointments and do so with the wisdom necessary to show acceptance.

[trippi1432]

He never calls and he makes no effort whatsoever to be a father to him. Somehow, this is all my fault. I'm not sure how it's my fault that he can't be bothered to see his child.

 

In talking today, my son also conveyed to me 2 things... one is that he had met his father's gf before he and I split up and the second is that the last time he was at his fathers, his father left him alone with the girlfriend on both days and told him that she was allowed to spank him if she wanted to, that he better behave for her.

 

My son is so forgiving and still loves his father but the last thing he needs to hear is his father blaming his mother for his own failings. My son shouldn't need to hear about any of it from either of us.

 

I'm so aggravated and I don't know what else to do about this. He won't talk to me so co-parenting is not possible at this point.

 

First, I totally understand how frustrating this is as both a parent and a child from a broken home. My first exH and I split up when our daughter was 3 and I finally found resolve not to take back a serial cheater. His "punishment" of that was to not have anything to do with his daughter. No phone calls, letters, birthday/Christmas cards or presents for about 7 years. I did refrain from bad-mouthing him during that time and if she asked why she didn't have a father, I just told her that Mommy and Daddy were too young and things just didn't work out. My heart would break for her, but it was the only thing I could really do as I could not force him to exercise his visitation rights and I had given up on begging him to see her after several years of maintaining contact with him for her.

 

When she was 11 years old, I allowed her to come to court with me to transfer the child support case to another county and knew he had to show up as well in person. I asked her if she was okay with this as she had been asking about him even more, she said she was. He had to face her that day, for her at that age, it was about finally seeing the father she never had and she was accepting right from the beginning of this new parent in her life.......until he ditched her again about a year later. I let her make up her mind and her own decisions about her father. She is 27 now, several years ago she asked me to look him up as she hadn't heard from him in about 5 years or so....he also didn't come to her graduation or even acknowledge it other than pushing for a court appearance to stop the CS. I had a friend of mine who is an investigator locate him and she attempted once more to have a relationship with her father. They are Facebook friends....that's about the entire extent of their relationship.

 

Yesterday, on Father's Day, I noticed that he commented on one of her pictures that I had previously commented on. She called me later on and I asked if she noticed it and she said she had seen it. I asked her if the knew that today is Father's Day, and if she had talked to him. She said she had not even thought about it being Father's Day....then said "Happy Father's Day Mom". She hasn't had much reason to keep up with that holiday.

 

I often wonder what she missed growing up without her father as I was a Daddy's girl....I couldn't imagine not having my father in my life. But the one thing I did realize is that I can't control what he does, and what he does is a reflection on him....not me as a parent. I get the blaming and luckily I didn't have to deal with that until my daughter was 11, but she was also old enough to see things as they really are and let his actions (or lack of) be her deciding factor on their relationship.

 

If your ex doesn't want to exercise his visitation and be an absent father, you may actually be better off. Who wants a dad that has to be told how to be a father? There's is nothing worse in life to have to be around a parent who only wants you around because it's forced or they feel obligated. One day, he will be the one reaching out and your son won't have time for him just as he was treated.

 

Just my experience with a second marriage going downhill after 15 years of raising a son together, I'm more thankful now of bad fathers who remain absent fathers, it's a lot less stressful on everyone involved.

[No Limit]

Your son might be forgiving now, but I dare say that will pass in time. When my parents broke up I was actually glad I didn't have to see him anymore (I was about 4 years old).

 

I think it's time you stop waiting for your ex to come around, and by all means don't mention him to your son anymore. This also isn't about devalueing the father, but rather start cutting him out of everyday life and thoughts.

[Mr. Lucky]

In talking today, my son also conveyed to me 2 things... one is that he had met his father's gf before he and I split up and the second is that the last time he was at his fathers, his father left him alone with the girlfriend on both days and told him that she was allowed to spank him if she wanted to, that he better behave for her. The spanking part is news to me. He knows how I feel about that. I don't even spank my child and I would certainly not be ok with his father's hobo doing it either.

Your angst over this dipsh*t is understandable. However, I hope you're doing everything you can to keep you son isolated from the emotional vortex that is divorce. No reaction, no discussion, hopefully nothing goes on in his presence. Sounds like his life already complicated enough...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Raena]

Your angst over this dipsh*t is understandable. However, I hope you're doing everything you can to keep you son isolated from the emotional vortex that is divorce. No reaction, no discussion, hopefully nothing goes on in his presence. Sounds like his life already complicated enough...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I do the best I can to keep it all separate from my son and for the most part, he doesn't have to deal with too much. It's painful to watch him turn into an angry little boy because of it though. I'm also really sick and tired of being blamed for his father's actions. It takes an awful lot of nerve to tell a 7 year old that he can't be bothered to come see him for a day and that it's my fault because I won't let him go spend the night there. He's just so ridiculous about it. He doesn't even ask for him to come spend the night but then tells his son that I'm refusing to let him go. Kind of hard to refuse something that isn't even asked.

 

As for what my son said to me... that came out after he got off the phone with his dad. He wanted to talk, so I listened and that's what he told me. He also told me that he thinks his father lies to him. He's a bright young man and he's figured out quite a bit about what has happened here. I think he just made the connection yesterday that he had met her before. I don't think he has made the connection yet that she's the reason why his father and I aren't together anymore though. It just isn't part of his experience to understand that connection yet. He'll figure it out eventually.

[EverySunset]

I do the best I can to keep it all separate from my son and for the most part, he doesn't have to deal with too much. It's painful to watch him turn into an angry little boy because of it though. I'm also really sick and tired of being blamed for his father's actions. It takes an awful lot of nerve to tell a 7 year old that he can't be bothered to come see him for a day and that it's my fault because I won't let him go spend the night there. He's just so ridiculous about it. He doesn't even ask for him to come spend the night but then tells his son that I'm refusing to let him go. Kind of hard to refuse something that isn't even asked.

 

As for what my son said to me... that came out after he got off the phone with his dad. He wanted to talk, so I listened and that's what he told me. He also told me that he thinks his father lies to him. He's a bright young man and he's figured out quite a bit about what has happened here. I think he just made the connection yesterday that he had met her before. I don't think he has made the connection yet that she's the reason why his father and I aren't together anymore though. It just isn't part of his experience to understand that connection yet. He'll figure it out eventually.

 

AS FOR THAT STRANGER-SPANKING-YOUR-CHILD NONSENSE : write in your custody agreement that neither party (or party associated with either party) may apply corporeal punishment - spanking - at any time. Even if your stbxh disagrees, most judges will back this up. Heck, its considered illegal in many states anyway, but it really behooves you to get it in there. In writing.

 

In the meantime, if she does, you have a great beginning of a case for child abuse later.

 

I won't argue whether spanking is right or wrong, but I think we can all agree, no one wants a stranger to do it to their child.