Someone explain how cheating arrangements work

[AtTheStart]

Ok, I have never cheated in a relationship and then had never helped someone cheat in their relationship (via with me)...until a few weeks ago.

 

So a girl I know who is in a LTR...has had a crush on me for over a year...only recently revealed to me. So she started off theoretically talking about this crush...which led to engagement during actual times we were hanging out. COUNTLESS times I was not interested in pursuing anything while she was in a relationship, especially going as far as having sex...but this made her all the more attractive to me (her friends told me this) because of my morals.

 

After a drunk night, we crossed the make out "line", continued getting to know each other, then at which point we both did realize she was emotionally cheating which was way more intense / wrong that exclusive physical cheating.

 

Long story short, (yes besides the fact she's someone who cheats as opposed to ends an unhappy relationship)...I, do like this girl, and I do feel bad that her dope of a boyfriend has no idea. She is quite open in communicating with him in that she tells him "look here are things that make me unhappy in this relationship", he does nothing about it, she hangs on to see if he will change...but has given the end of the summer when she moves as the ultimatum date for him to have gotten his **** together by.

 

I AM NOT wanting or expecting her to break up with her BF for me...I don't need that drama. If anything if it doesn't work out between THEM....and she mourns that loss...I could see us dating eventually.

 

Where I am at now...is she gets defensively aggressive when I tell her I feel guilty by saying stuff like, "my relationship is none of your business so you shouldn't feel guilty about how I decide to act"....when I am feeling guilty (i know I should)...the thing is...she's way more attracted to me than she's ever been with him so doesn't want us to stop fooling around during this "see if he gets his **** together period". I....am getting sick of essentially saying "oh Ill be in the wings whenever you feel like cuddling, laughing, and f*cking...in ways your dope boyfriend doesn't know how to"

 

I know everyone takes their OWN time to read through these posts....so I spared the novel length story. Short of it is...I offer something different. Not better, not worse, just something different to her. And this is beginning not to work for me.

 

My question is, how do these relationships usually play out? Advice for me? Should I just walk away until she figures her own stuff out?

[DitzyPanda]

That sounds like the previous relationship. I was with a guy for three years, but I wasn't happy with it. I was talking to a good friend at the time and he would give me advice to help the relationship last. One day me and this friend started kissing and I realized that I liked him better. Yes I cheated and I feel bad for it, but I think I understand how cheating works now.

 

When one person isn't satisfied with their current relationship then they look for satisfaction elsewhere whether if it's intentional or not.

 

You make it seem like you have a chance with the girl so I say, go for it. Swoop in and take her when she's defenseless

[littleplanet]

Well OP,

 

I'd hazard a strong guess that one thing which is definitely making you feel uncomfortable about this situation is her......moral persuasion.

 

If this is the case, probably not a bad idea to create a bit of distance....a safety space, so to speak. You already know you don't need the drama.

 

As has already been pointed out......she's shown her colors - and that color can splash back on you, too.

Do you really want to be the sword she hangs over his head?

Worth considering.

Otherwise, it just might become a bit of opportunistic pudding that makes a mess on the floor.

Often enough - not really worth the trouble, when all is said and done.

 

If this stuff is not really in your background, maybe not a good idea to start now (or keep going.)

Maybe time to fold your hand and step back from the table.

Those losses can turn into winnings in a different game........

[AtTheStart]

DitzyPanda - as a female, your perspective is GREATLY appreciated on this. Im wondering, as a girl, when the spark is gone (this girl's words) and your trying to see if the guy will reignite it...but you're already being "ignited" hehe but someone else...was it doomsday for the original relationship?

 

Then to Enigma & littleplanet- yes, your words are also greatly appreciated and already realizations contained within me. Her boyfriend is totally immature and she herself has admitted that I am the first man (not older boy) she has ever been with. She does talk about him to me but in a complementary way to me like, "I like how your talk to me consistently...he ignores me for 4-5 days then will reply, he only ever changes when he thinks I might break up with him" or "I like how you talk through problems...he will often just leave and say, "ill talk to you later""

 

....Im fn dumbfounded how their relationship has lasted 3 years of pretty much consistently this. And yes, she does justify her actions via "well I caught him flirting with girls behind my back for the first 2 years"...I don't care how adorable, or "loving", or seemingly compatible two people are...that just seems like obvious red flags. Sure there are endless positives that can outweigh those negatives about their relationship but who honestly puts up with that?

 

All & all, she's even admittedly a little guarded against how straight forward, genuine, and romantic I seemingly am to her (in reality, I do consider myself those qualities...just being with someone like that is unfamiliar to her). Like she straight up asked me, "Do you REALLY like just laying here with me?" I replied, "yeah, totally" Then she, "*sigh*, well "Tony" doesn't, he just gets bored he says" ....W.T.F.? The worst part of it is I can tell she's being genuine and not feeding me BS when she says that.

[DitzyPanda]

DitzyPanda - as a female, your perspective is GREATLY appreciated on this. Im wondering, as a girl, when the spark is gone (this girl's words) and your trying to see if the guy will reignite it...but you're already being "ignited" hehe but someone else...was it doomsday for the original relationship?

 

It was more like I was with my ex for the "title" that came with him. My family really pressured me into staying with him, but I wasn't making happy(he rarely talked to me at all or invited me to go places with him. It'd be a 5 word text once a month). I asked for a break and that same day me and my current boyfriend for a year started kissing. When I told my ex he explained to me that it was cheating since it wasn't an "official break up" and my current boyfriend agreed with that.

 

In our case it worked and we're still happy together, but I'm not an advocate of helping someone cheat. Let them atleast try to break up before you get involved. People cheat because they find what they want in someone else and if you want to be with this girl then you should wait for her to break up with the guy she's with now.

[BetrayedH]

Stop participating in a betrayal.

[BetrayedH]

I googled but didn't find, I assume it means POS other man? And no, I never would have done this if married or kids. She's 25, spreading her wings after college, and pursued me relentlessly...YES I am responsible for giving in...but there's only so much cornering me in public (like actually cornering me to make out) I could take. She's not married, and by her own description "loves her bf but isn't in love with him"...I'm not justifying this cheating relationship...just adding more info. And saying I definitely was resistant (would've said f this if she was married) and I was pursued relentlessly.

 

For not justifying your actions, you sure just did a lot of justifying your actions.

 

It doesn't matter what she said or what she did. You own your own actions. No one has forced you to participate in betraying her BF. She's scummy for doing it and you're willingly joining in and calling him a dope. If you manage to win this prize of a woman (she has some gall giving him ultimatums while she's sleeping with other guys), then you're both going to get what you deserve - each other. Good luck with the trust issues.

[carhill]

Someone explain how cheating arrangements work

 

OP, since you sound young, one way to view it is using the classroom example. You get together with a friend and text each other the answers to a test while the teacher is oblivious. Presuming you and the friend helped each other get a grade you wouldn't have otherwise on your own, your deception improved your position though it disrespected the rules of the test and betrayed the teacher's sincere efforts to teach you and their trust that you would obey the rules you agreed to in the educational process. If you don't get caught, what life lessons do you learn? If you do, what?

 

Old fart tip: When you come to the end of life, there will be no reward waiting for you for doing the 'right thing'. You'll get dead, just like the guy who cheated on every partner he ever had. Your reward comes during life and you get to choose what it is. Good luck!

[No Limit]

The relationship between the girl and her BF is dead already. Can't satisfy the cheater, never could.

 

So with that in mind, I believe you have a good chance at getting her when the ultimatum has reached its deadline. And even if you don't, I doubt she's going to leave you be just like that since she's already having a 'crush' on you.

 

Enjoy your time with your new partner. Other than that, the warnings other users have posted/are going to post.

[Michelle ma Belle]

That sounds like the previous relationship. I was with a guy for three years, but I wasn't happy with it. I was talking to a good friend at the time and he would give me advice to help the relationship last. One day me and this friend started kissing and I realized that I liked him better. Yes I cheated and I feel bad for it, but I think I understand how cheating works now.

 

When one person isn't satisfied with their current relationship then they look for satisfaction elsewhere whether if it's intentional or not.

 

You make it seem like you have a chance with the girl so I say, go for it. Swoop in and take her when she's defenseless

 

So here is a brutally honest response you might want to consider...

 

Sorry but this is the WORST advice I think one should give

 

Even if you were joking or somewhat "redeemed" yourself in the next post saying that you're not an advocate for helping someone cheat, this is exactly what you're doing. Seems awfully irresponsible to say such a thing.

 

As for the OP, I think this is exactly what HE'S looking for when he started this thread, even if only secretly; permission and/or approval.

 

Well, I for one will not grant you this.

 

Again, I am very hardcore when it comes to cheating of ANY kind and I think you too are being hypocritical when you say that you have morals yet you're continuing to put yourself in harm's way with this woman.

 

If she's SO unhappy in her relationship and is SO attracted to you AND if you're clearly the BETTER man for her then why the hell doesn't she GROW UP and END the sh*tty relationship to be with you?! Seems pretty simple to me.

 

She's choosing to take the path of least resistance and you get the pleasure of being dragged along for the bumpy ride. Doesn't exactly sound very romantic or have happily-ever-after written all over it.

 

It also doesn't help that you're sitting around making all kinds of excuses for her and justifying her actions. And as for your confession that you "don't need the drama", well that is EXACTLY what you're doing and getting if you continue to pursue this girl. Give me a break.

 

PO, Is that really the kind of man you want to be?

 

Is she really worth all of this trouble or worthy of you?

 

I doubt it. I think her behavior speaks volumes of her overall character and if that is the kind of woman your moral compass seems to want then best of luck to you both. You will need it.

 

I've seen this play out countless times and although there are always exceptions to the rules, it is RARE that you'll find your happy ending with this woman.

 

Be the better man and stay away from her until she gets her sh*t together. Until then, she's just another hot mess to be avoided.

Edited June 16, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[DitzyPanda]

I've learned my lesson from my situation with this and it is that i she's really worth it then you'd wait or her to break up with her current bf. She's on the edge about to jump to the next person and he's right there to catch her. Any advice we give doesn't matter to him because he's already decided what he wants to do.

[KathyM]

I've learned my lesson from my situation with this and it is that i she's really worth it then you'd wait or her to break up with her current bf. She's on the edge about to jump to the next person and he's right there to catch her. Any advice we give doesn't matter to him because he's already decided what he wants to do.

Well, he did ask what to do in his OP, and he sounds ambivalent about what he should do, so I'm assuming he wants advice.

[giblesp]

Ok,

 

This is how she's going to act behind your back if you ever get with her.

 

She's probably going to go back to her BF at the end of her episode with you.

 

You're not her first bit on the side.