If we assume that MM and OW is really fall in love.

[sisa]

If we assume that MM and OW is really fall in love,

why after DDay, always seems OW left with broken heart and trape on the sad emotional longer.

 

Is it becasue MM has family to focus on?

[sisa]

and I find out another things is, seems there are some 'special' talking from MMs but never heard from normal relationship bfs.

 

which is like,

1. you are my soulmate.

2. you are my true love.

3. I am deeply in love with you.

4. we are meant to be together.

 

I never heard these words from my ex normal relationship bfs, but I heard a lot from ex MM, and I saw many poster's MM here say the similar words too.

 

the sweetest talking from my normal relationship bfs is I love you.

they never use true love or soulmate to describe it.

[MayP]

I read it somewhere before... the one whom cared more, put in more- hurts more.

I always ask this question too. Is it because I am a woman, he is a man, he just isn't as emotionally strung like me? man as practical as they can be, might just move on faster than emotional women.

[goodyblue]

I read it somewhere before... the one whom cared more, put in more- hurts more.

I always ask this question too. Is it because I am a woman, he is a man, he just isn't as emotionally strung like me? man as practical as they can be, might just move on faster than emotional women.

 

First part is so true May. I have also thought the one who was less 'in love' has all the power in the relationship. If it is seriously off balance and you are the one who is 'more in love' you can become a slave to gour partner's whim and that is pretty scary.

[goodyblue]

I read it somewhere before... the one whom cared more, put in more- hurts more.

I always ask this question too. Is it because I am a woman, he is a man, he just isn't as emotionally strung like me? man as practical as they can be, might just move on faster than emotional women.

 

First part is so true May. I have also thought the one who was less 'in love' has all the power in the relationship. If it is seriously off balance and you are the one who is 'more in love' you can become a slave to gour partner's whim and that is pretty scary.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I read it somewhere before... the one whom cared more, put in more- hurts more.

I always ask this question too. Is it because I am a woman, he is a man, he just isn't as emotionally strung like me? man as practical as they can be, might just move on faster than emotional women.

 

Ah, so I have your answer now how to get over him. (From my other thread where you asked how I get over the need to contact)

 

I understand this phrase because that is exactly how it was for me. I invested so much more, I was willing to change my life for him. I suffered daily for months while he was sorta amused that he had me under such a spell,

 

You get over the need to contact him by realizing that even though he knew you felt more for him and were suffering more, that he still pursued you anyway. Like a cat playing with a mouse. A simple ego stroke for him. That to see someone weak and emotional and still keep them around while not feeling the same emotional investment is a sign of cruelty. And someone who is cruel doesn't deserve to be loved on that level.

[Owl6118]

and I find out another things is, seems there are some 'special' talking from MMs but never heard from normal relationship bfs.

 

which is like,

1. you are my soulmate.

2. you are my true love.

3. I am deeply in love with you.

4. we are meant to be together.

 

I never heard these words from my ex normal relationship bfs, but I heard a lot from ex MM, and I saw many poster's MM here say the similar words too.

 

the sweetest talking from my normal relationship bfs is I love you.

they never use true love or soulmate to describe it.

 

Gently, for two reasons. First, these are really words of infatuation. They are not words that lasting adult love is built on.

 

Second, your regular boyfriends may not have showered you with these words because they liked you, and respected you, and felt no need to try to keep you in a haze of infatuation.

 

The difference between the regular boyfriends and AP is, the regular boyfriends did not need to lie and tell you their feelings were more than they were, sooner than they were. I dated people I sincerely liked and in many cases loved in some ways. Some are my friends to this day. But none of them were my deep love. Until I did feel deep love, and I didn't then tell her she was my soul mate and true love. I did something much more meaningful--an action, not a word. I asked to marry me.

 

So maybe your boyfriends were just well adjusted and didn't need to rush something into being more than it was. The AP, well... one thing you knew about him, going in, was that he was capable of telling people big, life-altering lies. Because that is innate in a MOM in an affair.

[Quiet Storm]

 

and I find out another things is, seems there are some 'special' talking from

MMs but never heard from normal relationship bfs.

 

which is like,

1.

you are my soulmate.

2. you are my true love.

3. I am deeply in love

with you.

4. we are meant to be together.

 

 

I think many MM try to compensate for their lack of action with words.

 

It reminds me of uninvolved & super busy parents, who try to make it up to their kids by buying them a lot of stuff and giving them superficial compliments. Unfortunately these things don't make up for the lack of hugs, quality time, guidance, etc. Words feel good at the time and fill a temporary hole, but they are usually not enough to sustain a relationship long term.

 

Most MM know that they don't have a lot to offer the OW in terms of a future. He knows that he is giving her a crappy deal, so he often showers her with affection to keep her as content as possible. The thought process may be, "I can't be her real boyfriend or husband because I am married, so I will make her feel more loved, desired and treasured than any guy she's ever been with. Then maybe OW will want to stay in the affair and tolerate my marriage, in spite of the fact that I cannot give her what she really wants and deserves."

 

The goal of most MM is to keep OW as his affair partner as long as possible, while staying married. They say what they have to say to keep it going and to keep OW willing. Are the feelings real? Do they mean what they say? Nobody knows, but I wouldn't trust someone that had this kind of agenda. Just like some single guys will use "feelings" to get sex, MM will use "feelings" to keep OW content & happy. It isn't easy for a MM to find an OW who is not only willing to participate, but is also in love with him. The longer OW is willing, the longer the affair will last, so it certainly fits MM's agenda to butter OW up as much as possible.

 

This doesn't mean that he never loved OW or his feelings were fake. It just means that he is not leaving his marriage- regardless of his feelings. So even if his feelings for OW are real, MM often uses them to manipulate OW into accepting less than what she truly deserves. Which is not very nice & not something you do to someone you claim to love.

[JL123]

So well-said Quiet Storm!

Add that to my list of reasons for staying NC!

[Speakingofwhich]

If we assume that MM and OW is really fall in love,

why after DDay, always seems OW left with broken heart and trape on the sad emotional longer.

 

Is it becasue MM has family to focus on?

 

After DDay or breakup OW is not always the one with the broken heart. Sometimes its MM who is left feeling worse.

 

and I find out another things is, seems there are some 'special' talking from MMs but never heard from normal relationship bfs.

 

which is like,

1. you are my soulmate.

2. you are my true love.

3. I am deeply in love with you.

4. we are meant to be together.

 

I never heard these words from my ex normal relationship bfs, but I heard a lot from ex MM, and I saw many poster's MM here say the similar words too.

 

the sweetest talking from my normal relationship bfs is I love you.

they never use true love or soulmate to describe it.

 

Although my exMM and I did tell each other ILY neither of us ever used the word soulmate or we are meant to be together or this type of talk you mention. He did always say he wished he'd met me earlier in life. But, I responded that the people we were then probably wouldn't have gotten together.

 

It's possible that your MM really meant those words when he said them but just was a person who liked to live more in a fantasy world rather than in reality.

 

Sure, some people (married or single both) use words to manipulate and may use the words listed above to manipulate. But, some also may use them because their emotions are stronger than their ability to act on them is. And some may use such words and follow up with a marriage proposal. This has been the case for me with a single man who talked to me with words such as your MM used with you.

[MayP]

First part is so true May. I have also thought the one who was less 'in love' has all the power in the relationship. If it is seriously off balance and you are the one who is 'more in love' you can become a slave to gour partner's whim and that is pretty scary.

 

 

I am his slave now. To a certain extent. Knowing how best to love myself but regardless, chose not to love myself anyway.

A friend said his act is an act of cruelty. I am selfish, I wish he told me earlier as we would have years together. Not like this.

[MissBee]

I've learned not to put too much stuck into being in love or falling in love...that's simply a code word for romantic feelings but the feelings alone themselves don't make a relationship work and can be very fickle...look around, people fall in and out of love all the time...many of these MM are saying they are out of love with their wives whom most clearly loved at one point enough to propose, marry, have a life with...so goes to show the whole notion of "being in love" isn't constant.

 

On the other hand really loving someone, not just "being in love", includes choice and commitment, many times sacrifice etc. It seems that's where the buck stops for many MM...they may very much feel strong romantic feelings for the OW but in terms of commitment, sacrifice, consistency etc fall short or feel those things towards their wives/marriage/children/family more than they do the OW.

[sisa]

very agreed.

 

the affair game can work becasue most of the OW/OM participate in the affair only one time and cannot see all this truth well when first time join it.

 

for myself, I just thought I am so lucky to meet my 'soulmate' and 'true love', and thought this MM already no love for his wife, otherwise, why he treat me so nice and give me so much attension.

 

then be hurted and know this from the self experience.

 

ya, have romantic feelings is not equal love, I learn this with the hard way. before I always thought they are the same things.

 

I can bet that most of the OW/OM see all these clear finally and will not doing same things in future, however, many MM involve in affair not only once in their life path. maybe someone should write a book to warm others who still innocent with how affars goes, and tell them to distingush what is love and what is just romantic feelings.

[Got it]

MM aren't the only people in affairs. I get a little tired of the gender slant in posts. There are many married women who have affairs with men both married and single.

 

While I recognized that my MM loved me I did not think that love was a guarantee to effect change. I had seen too many people in life to say they wanted one thing but never put action to words. So I knew to recognize the difference and put in perimeters, etc. to see what would be done.

 

I also have never understood or agreed with the term "soul mate" or "true love".

[SugarHibiscus]

MM aren't the only people in affairs. I get a little tired of the gender slant in posts. There are many married women who have affairs with men both married and single.

 

While I recognized that my MM loved me I did not think that love was a guarantee to effect change. I had seen too many people in life to say they wanted one thing but never put action to words. So I knew to recognize the difference and put in perimeters, etc. to see what would be done.

 

I also have never understood or agreed with the term "soul mate" or "true love".

 

I completely agree with your post. Both my H and my OM have told me that I'm their soul mate, we were meant to be together etc. I think it's part of falling in love.

 

The difference is that my H and I have built a life together. He still loves me even after the honeymoon phase. It's a more mature love. (I know I sound like an asshat but I'm just being honest.)

[Got it]

I completely agree with your post. Both my H and my OM have told me that I'm their soul mate, we were meant to be together etc. I think it's part of falling in love.

 

The difference is that my H and I have built a life together. He still loves me even after the honeymoon phase. It's a more mature love. (I know I sound like an asshat but I'm just being honest.)

 

Okay. I agree but my agreement is involving my MM as we married. Bottom line, I think one needs to stay realistic in love especially in the beginning of any relationship. Don't put the cart before the horse.

 

My ex husband nor my husband have ever said the above. Well I think we laughed about soul mate piece once but nah. My ex and I met in high school and we still didn't get that silly. Never minimized the love but didn't make it more than it was or this Disney-esque fantasy.

[carhill]

OP, in this post, you wrote:

 

"I was with a MM two years and last December he told his wife we are together. His wife let him choose, and he chose her."

 

To me, this indicates that your MM/fMM was with you long-term, far more than a 'fling', and repetitively made a choice to remain in the affair, indicating a commitment to it. However, when faced with a choice of being with you versus being with his spouse, 'he chose her'. IMO, this is due to his overall sense of commitment to his family life being stronger and more pervasive than his commitment to you. If his spouse were separate from that, meaning solely another woman like yourself, the pendulum may have swung the other way. In reality, there's a whole package of 'stuff' that goes along with being married, both socially and legally, which weighs on a person's mind, regardless of their 'love' for anyone.

 

At the end of that post, you wrote:

 

"however, today she wrote me, saying they are going to devorce because of me. and some bad words and cursing words."

 

Which indicates, on the surface, that the dynamic of commitment to family is necessarily a two-way street and that this affair may have thrown it into flux more so than prior. It takes the commitment of both partners, and their choices to focus on the family, for the family to work in a healthy way.

 

Is the affair partner always left broken-hearted? IME, no. That said, most of my experiences have been with MW's so I really know little of how things do for an OW in such matters. At this point, just under half of the MW's I've known are currently with or were with their affair partners post-D. If men are generally dissimilar, that may indicate a fundamental difference in psychology regarding the dynamics of affairs and commitment. I can state that my one experience was clearly one of 'end the M and be with the AP' but again that takes two. If there is no meeting of the minds, there isn't.

[sisa]

I never told MM he is my soul mate or true love, he did, but I told him I really love him instead. Maybe people more practicle not intend to use those romantic words. they will just do it instead.

[pixiecut]

First part is so true May. I have also thought the one who was less 'in love' has all the power in the relationship. If it is seriously off balance and you are the one who is 'more in love' you can become a slave to gour partner's whim and that is pretty scary.

i don't think it's degree of "in love" that determines that power dynamic, it's the respective parties' self respect, self esteem and ability to not confuse being in love with needing to feel loved. all of the above informs "how" you love and avail yourself to be loved. a different person can be doormat or a goddess in the identical of circumstances, with the same degree of "being in love"

[spookysonata]

I've learned not to put too much stuck into being in love or falling in love...that's simply a code word for romantic feelings but the feelings alone themselves don't make a relationship work and can be very fickle...look around, people fall in and out of love all the time...many of these MM are saying they are out of love with their wives whom most clearly loved at one point enough to propose, marry, have a life with...so goes to show the whole notion of "being in love" isn't constant.

 

On the other hand really loving someone, not just "being in love", includes choice and commitment, many times sacrifice etc. It seems that's where the buck stops for many MM...they may very much feel strong romantic feelings for the OW but in terms of commitment, sacrifice, consistency etc fall short or feel those things towards their wives/marriage/children/family more than they do the OW.

 

Very, very well said, Miss Bee.

I think this is a constant with people who cheat. It takes some emotional maturity to realize that butterflies and love are two different things.

[randomwoman]

If we assume that MM and OW is really fall in love,

why after DDay, always seems OW left with broken heart and trape on the sad emotional longer.

 

Is it becasue MM has family to focus on?

 

I think this is just because women and men process things differently. I was involved in an EA that ended. I felt like it took me double the time to feel near normal while he seemed to just go on like business as usual. We both have families so I think it's beyond having a family to focus on.

I think men just ignore things and block them out. I also find that I held on to memories longer because of the romantic type of fantasy. My fantasy relationship in my head was more romantic in nature and I think most male fantasies are more sexual in nature making them easier to compartmentalize both you and any memories relating to you.

Men also have a different way of dealing with endings. Sometimes it hits them harder down the road because they push it into the dark corners of their mind and do not deal with them right away. Woman may take longer to mourn a relationship but when you're over it, you're over it.

You'll feel better with time.