Adrian123 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Hi all, This is my first post as I am very confused and depressed right now. First of all, I am gay and the other guy I am seeing is also gay. The other guy has a long term boyfriend. I met him through a dating app while I was in overseas a couple of months ago (I am based in Melbourne and he is in Singapore). We talked for a few days before we met for coffee. We really liked each other and we met again that evening in the middle of the night and we made out. The next morning we had sex at his place (while his boyfriend was at work). That day I had to leave Singapore. When I left, I never thought I would be so attached to a guy I only just met. I literally cried at the airport thinking about him. It was supposed (I think) to be just a fling but I missed him alot when I got back to Melbourne. We kept messaging each other when I got back. Although I am the one who initiates the conversations, he would reply back to me fairly quickly. He would call me cute names and insert kiss icons etc. We message eac other daily but they are not overly long conversations. I told him I miss him and that I really like him. Anyway, I travel regularly to Singapore for work. So in May, I told him if he would be keen to meet up when I was over there. He said yes and we met for lunch and spent a few hours together just talking. We also kissed and made out again. Last week, I was over in Singapore again for work. We met up and even though he was sick he still saw me and we had sex in my hotel room. He even said he missed me for the first time. Now that I am back in Melbourne, I miss him so much. I am not sure if he is using me for sex or whether there is something more. I am so confused right now as to what he and I have. Would you even call this an affair? The other thing is that I am being asked my company to move to Singapore for work soon. What should I do??
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Well first of all yeah, you are most definitely in a "gay" affair (although the circumstances are no different than any other illicit affair, regardless of the sexuality). You are a person involved in an affair with someone in a long-term, presumably monogamous relationship. He is, for all intents and purposes your MM and you are the OM. As far as what you should do....well, I can tell you first and foremost what you SHOULDN'T be doing. The longer you continue this affair the more invested you have the potential to become. And from what you've written, it doesn't seem like MM is interested in anything beyond a bit of fun on the side whenever you happen to be in town. He may say a bunch of sweet words when you're together or insert some very cute emojis via text but what does that really amount to? My high school crush did that and he turned out to be a complete jackass. The fact that you're the one who has to initiate contact every time is troubling enough. At the end of the day, it looks like he has no plans on leaving his relationship and from his presence on this dating app it would appear you aren't his first or last affair. IS THIS the kind of person you feel it best to devote any more time to? As far as your job and potential transfer properties go, I'd suggest you make the choice you feel would provide you the most LONG TERM happiness. Please don't jump at the chance to move to Singapore in order to have further opportunities to continue your affair. 1
still_an_Angel Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 He has a LTR, so yes, it is an affair. Has he given any indication that there might be a future for the two of you? Has he talked about being unhappy in his relationship? If you decide to move to Singapore, it should be a career move, not because you wish to be with him. Please be careful, being in an A can be messy. All the best, Angel 1
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Yes, of course the is an affair. Ask yourself why the heck this guy has a bf and is on a dating app? You seriously want someone who so ruthlessly chases others? Don't you want to feel special? He sounds very seedy. How much do you know about this guy? Does he have an open relationship understanding? Honestly, you should be asking him these questions, not us. I would want a clear pic what was happening and I think sleeping together merits some real answers, who cares that you didn't follow that rules and fell harder than intended? That happens with sex and should be expected. 1
Author Adrian123 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Well first of all yeah, you are most definitely in a "gay" affair (although the circumstances are no different than any other illicit affair, regardless of the sexuality). You are a person involved in an affair with someone in a long-term, presumably monogamous relationship. He is, for all intents and purposes your MM and you are the OM. As far as what you should do....well, I can tell you first and foremost what you SHOULDN'T be doing. The longer you continue this affair the more invested you have the potential to become. And from what you've written, it doesn't seem like MM is interested in anything beyond a bit of fun on the side whenever you happen to be in town. He may say a bunch of sweet words when you're together or insert some very cute emojis via text but what does that really amount to? My high school crush did that and he turned out to be a complete jackass. The fact that you're the one who has to initiate contact every time is troubling enough. At the end of the day, it looks like he has no plans on leaving his relationship and from his presence on this dating app it would appear you aren't his first or last affair. IS THIS the kind of person you feel it best to devote any more time to? As far as your job and potential transfer properties go, I'd suggest you make the choice you feel would provide you the most LONG TERM happiness. Please don't jump at the chance to move to Singapore in order to have further opportunities to continue your affair. Thanks for your comment. I know rationally I should avoid him. But he a geniune guy (as far as I can see). He tells me stuff about his life, his work, his family. He even saw me even though he was sick. I think I am trying to do things to make him want me more but I don't know how strong his relationship is with his boyfriend. I have fallen for him so much and it hurts not seeing him. The Singapore thing is something I want to do for my career so I am quite clear on that front.
Author Adrian123 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Thanks for your message. We haven't had that discussion yet. But I have told him I am not happy that I only get to see him for short period of time. I cry almost everyday thinking about him. I don't know how to cope much longer. I hate being in this situation.
Author Adrian123 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Yes, of course the is an affair. Ask yourself why the heck this guy has a bf and is on a dating app? You seriously want someone who so ruthlessly chases others? Don't you want to feel special? He sounds very seedy. How much do you know about this guy? Does he have an open relationship understanding? Honestly, you should be asking him these questions, not us. I would want a clear pic what was happening and I think sleeping together merits some real answers, who cares that you didn't follow that rules and fell harder than intended? That happens with sex and should be expected. Thanks for your message. He is a very nice guy (other than the cheating). He doesn't have an open relationship as he is very careful everytime he comes to see me. As I have said - I am proud of this but I really have fallen for him. He tells me he likes me too and my qualities. We hang out together not only for sex but we tallk a lot as well. So I am even more confused whether he is using me for sex only...
Recommended Posts