cg9328 Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] OK where to start .... I was dating this girl for 3 1/2 years when all of a sudden she got cold feet and ended the relationship. She told me that she was scared of the whole marriage idea and she didn't want to string me along. She also told me that she considers me one her best friends and wanted to keep in touch. So I have kept in touch with her. Now she came home from school last weekend to visit with family and she I asked her to stop by my place just to visit. When she came over it looked like she hadn't been sleeping very well or eating right . She just looked like she was taking it harder than me. I had also bought her a valentines day gift before we broke up. I decided that I should give it to her. When she open the box she just busted out into tears. I'm not talking the happy tears. I'm talking the kind of crying like your best friend just died. When I got her to stop crying she gave me the biggest hug which didn't bother me. What really threw me off was she kissed me. So Sunday rolled around and she went back to school. I called her to see how the drive back was. We talk for a little bit. Then I got emotional. After a two and half hour talk we were arguing. After we hung up I sent her a e-mail just pouring my heart out to her and I was also letting her know that I was upset with her. We have always been truthful with each other. She called me at 4:30 in the morning to tell me that she is sorry only I'm not awake at that hour. I called her when I got up and she apologized to me and we were better. After we got off the phone I just sat there thinking how much I love her and I want to be with her no matter what. So I drive 200 miles or three hours to see her. When I get there she is shocked that I would drive that far to see her for only a few hours. We talked a little bit on what we want out of a relationship/marriage. Just look in her eyes told that she didn't want to break it off. She had that look of passion in her eyes. You know the one I talking about.....the look someone gives you when they are deeply in love. I have no doubt that she loves me what so ever. So after I was there for a couple of hours she wanted to lay down and take a nap. No big deal right ( plus I was kinda tired too). So I lay down and so does she right next to me. She cuddled right up to me and was out like a light after only a few minutes. When we awoke it was time for me to leave because I have to work in the morning. As I was leaving she kissed me again. I have had people tell me to leave her alone to let her figure out what she wants. I have also had people tell me to keep in touch with her and try to keep things going. I have also been told that is only temporary and she will come around. I love this girl with all my heart, mind and soul. I know she loves me. My gut feeling is telling me to try and get her back. I have no clue what to do next. She has told me that if we get back together its going to be for good aka marriage which doesn't scare me in the least. My mother told me to buy a promise ring and I don't know if that will scare her even further away or bring her closer. I want to do it but I'm just not sure on what to do next. Do I give her time to step back and look at what she or do I act on what I feel? Either way it's going to hard for both of us. I care about her so much. I just don't want to lose her forever. What should I do from here??????? Link to post Share on other sites
ostateclarett13 Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 I wouldn't go with that promise ring just yet. I am kinda in the same situation as you, only my relationship did not last as long as yours has. What it looks like to me is that she does love you and she is afraid of the future. If she has witnessed a divorce or something, then that could be hindering this. It sounds like you really love her, just do your best in proving that you love her and will never give up on her. I would get her back before I give her that promise ring, you may be right about it scaring her away. The fact that she has kissed you on the occasions that you have seen her, to me would mean that she still loves you and this is her way of telling you that she wants to work it out. If I were you I would go to her and bring all of these recent things into play and say "what does all this mean?" I know how you feel when you say you don't want to just stay away, its the fear of being away and she finds someone new. All I know is that I haven't stayed away from my situation, but I really can't say if it is working...I don't know. Good luck though man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cg9328 Posted February 16, 2005 Author Share Posted February 16, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] Thanks for the reply. Something tells that I'm going to be able to let her go. On one side I want her back and on the other I want to give her the space she ask for. I think ultimately I'm going to have to make a decision on what I want to do and I'm going to have to make it soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 This is exactly why NO CONTACT was invented. You both still have feelings for eachother and you want her back. She is confused and through all of this I sense you are going to get HURT. Please begin No Contact immediately. That way if she does still love you ,she can come to her senses and try again. But I stress that No Contact is really for YOU. IT does not mean its so she can *Wake Up*. Its so you can emotionally distance yourself from her while you have time , lots of time... to think. I know your gut reaction is NO ! You want her back NOW . But she is confused and if you Really love her , you will let her THINK about all this...what its like WITHOUT you , and ( not that you hope NC will cause that ) but moreso, so you can retain your dignity and get busy with your life. She is confused and her continually seeing you is making her feel guilt and pain. You both need a break from each other. Tell her in the kindest words that you need some time and space so you can think about YOUR life. She has initiated the break up and you cannot think straight with her in your arms. I know you want her in your arms, to love you tonite and forever but she is confused and she could end up hurting you 2 times by getting back and breaking up . Just tell her you love her but you need time and to not contact you. If she really loves you and decides to come back then she does without guilt. If she loves you and decides NOT to come back then you know you need to get on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cg9328 Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] Thanks mary3!! I took your advise and told her that I loved her and wanted to be with her but until I can control my emotions I didn't want any contact with her. I also told her that if she made up her mind on what she wanted to do that would be here for awhile. She agreed and it has been one day and it is taking everything I have not to call her. Me personally I think she will find out that she does want to be with me but your right she does need her space. So i'm going to give it to her. I'm going to wish for the best but plan for the worst. the one thing we both know is that neither of us will be dating for awhile. Thanks for all your advise..... Link to post Share on other sites
Urban Rubble01 Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Well, I'm not going to write a big long post because it seems that you've made your mind up. All I'm going to say is don't stick to this No Contact thing simply for the sake of taking people's advice. No Contact is fine in alot of cases, but for every case that it's good for there is a case that it's bad for. I think you and this girl should definitely take a break from each other to decide what you want. But taking a break and giving each other space doesn't mean cutting each other out of your lives completely. If both parties know what is going on and you guys are honest with each other I see no reason not to talk every now and then, if it's truly a break talking to each other on occasion is healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cg9328 Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] To be honest it killing not to call her. I think the NC is a good thing right now. Mary3 just reassured me on what I should do. I'm going to give it a few weeks and see what happens. We are so attached ,I think not having any contact with me will make her think with a clearer mind. I want her to come back on her own, not with me re-hashing everything. She know exactly how I feel and knows that I will move on. We both know even if we do date anyone else its going to be awhile before any of this happens. I'm just giving her the space she asked for. Thanks for your advise it really helped...... Link to post Share on other sites
Urban Rubble01 Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Yeah, some time without talking can definitely be good. My girl and I are on a break and things are actually going really well, and I admit that the 4 weeks I did without contact did good. Just don't drop off the face of the earth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cg9328 Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] Anybody else have any ideas or thaoughts???? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Originally posted by cg9328 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] Anybody else have any ideas or thaoughts???? I think you're on the right track - giving her space and time to think things through. And experience life without you. Don't frighten her with expressions of commitment. You pulling away is very likely to make her want to pull back. But don't count on it. Go cg! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cg9328 Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] OK I went like a week with very little contact. After that I contacted her and asked if she want to go to a concert with me. She agreed without even thinking twice about it. The concert isn't even until march 20th so I have no idea what's going to happen. The rest of our conversation went well . We talked for a hour or so. Nothing in particular . I now am 99% certain that she still loves me the way I love her. She is just scared of what might happen. I have talked to other people and they all say that she will come around. I guess my question is Should I wait to see what happens or move on? I still consider her a really good friend hell I consider my best friend. It has been three weeks since we broke up and my feelings for haven't changed. I don't know if that is enough time but I would think something would have changed. Complete no contact is out of the question since she still wants to talk. She has told me that. Plus I don't think I could ever do it. Another thing she told was that she kept reading my away messages while I was at work. When I called her she asked me how my plans went Saturday night. I this a sign that she still loves me or am I just confused? Link to post Share on other sites
RedTigerNY Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 it def sounds like she still wants to maintain contact w u. she may be confused but as long as ur there for her - and she wants u there (very much sounds like it) - i think u should maintain the contact. ppl may say "leave her alone & let her fig out what she wants" like u said, but as long as u are there for her - maybe even as a friend in the meantime - shell know u are still in her life and care for her. its all about maintaining that connection i think. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 If you love her and she does not want a committed relationship and you keep talking to her , you are going to get hurt. Asking : " Does this mean she loves me ...does that mean she loves me "? She may love you but apparently not enough to be in a 100% totally committed relationship....she loves you but not enough to be by your side right now....she loves you but not enough to try.....Yes she does love you but sounds like in a caring way.... I hope you are not going to sit by the phone and hope and pray she comes back if you are nice enough.... Find someone who DOES want to be next to you right now. I understand she wants to keep the connection but for how long ? What if she meets someone ? You are in for a world of hurt if she says " Well gee I care about you and all...but you know we broke up right....well I met someone " Dont think its possible ? Dont kid yourself .... Is she your girlfriend right now ? Please know while you want to keep the connection you are doing it as a diservice to your heart. LATER is a better way to approach the continued contact. NOW is the time to work on HEALING ....even if she changes her mind due to loneliness , pressure, guilt...do you REALLY want someone who broke up with you....and now / maybe later/ someday wants you back ? The answer should be H@# No ! The reason : She ended it for a reason. Give her a reason to think about what she does not HAVE anymore. NOt that you want her to regret and take you back. But letting her know that she may have made a mistake but you are moving forward with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Urban Rubble01 Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 OK I went like a week with very little contact. After that I contacted her and asked if she want to go to a concert with me. She agreed without even thinking twice about it. The concert isn't even until march 20th so I have no idea what's going to happen. The rest of our conversation went well . We talked for a hour or so. Nothing in particular . I now am 99% certain that she still loves me the way I love her. She is just scared of what might happen. I have talked to other people and they all say that she will come around. I guess my question is Should I wait to see what happens or move on? I still consider her a really good friend hell I consider my best friend. It has been three weeks since we broke up and my feelings for haven't changed. I don't know if that is enough time but I would think something would have changed. Complete no contact is out of the question since she still wants to talk. She has told me that. Plus I don't think I could ever do it. Another thing she told was that she kept reading my away messages while I was at work. When I called her she asked me how my plans went Saturday night. I this a sign that she still loves me or am I just confused? That sounds exactly like my current situation, even down to the detail that the first time my girl and I hung out after the breakup it was to go see a band. We were together for 3.5 years and we're on a break for the school year to get some space from each other. My advice is this, if you love her enough to wait things out and see how it goes, do it. Being "on a break" from the girl I love is hard, but due to the fact that I didn't freak out and act like an ass I think it's going to work out. Here's what I've been doing, I reccomend you do the same: Maintain contact, but don't call too much. Once every few weeks I'd say. Seeing each other is fine, we're still really close on the rare times when we see each other, just limit your visits as much as possible, it makes her miss you and it makes seeing each other seem SO much better. If she acts weird or doesn't call you back, don't freak out, don't get angry, just know that she's dealing with her own stuff and let it be. Try not to talk about the relationship too much, I mean, if something is eating at you talk to her, but try to just have fun with her when you talk and see each other. Above all, don't get too comfortable and don't rely on it working out. If you slip into that and then things go bad, you'll feel worse than you do now. If you love her, give her space, try to use the time apart to improve yourself and get things done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cg9328 Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] Thanks Mary and Urabn, Mary just so you know I don't sit by the phone waiting for her to call. As for you how long she will want to maintain contact , I personally feel that it will be forever. We have both talked about how we couldn't see ourselves not ever talking to each other. And we both know that if or when we start dating that whoever we date is going to have to deal with us the way we are. And that is we are both still funny, caring, joking and still very close. I have already told myself that if I start to date around and the person I am with can't deal with it then they aren't for me. We both know It's going to be hard for us. As for a disservice to my heart your probably right but i'm not going to let my self get carried away. I'm hoping for the best planning for the worst. Urban I do plan to wait a little while but I will be keeping my own heart in mind. Me personally I don't see myself dating for a couple of months nor do I see her doing the same. As for keeping our visit to a minimum that won't be a problem. That is what make us strong I think. We can go a month or two without seeing each other. At the same time it what i believe made her think about what she really wants. I had a conversation with her the other night and for a change the relationship wasn't brought up. Some how talking to her made it easier. The hardest thing I am going to have to do is limit my calls to her. When we were together either her or myself would call each other. I am going to try and limit my calls to her to at least no more than once a week. Last but not least I am improving myself in all of this. When I get like this the only thing I want to do is work and trust me I'm working. I have decided that I also want to try and get a house when summer rolls around. That were the work come in. But I am getting out with other people and I try not to think too much about her. I want to give her the space she is asking for and I will. Lastly I want to thank you guys and gals for giving me your imput . This site has really helped me cope with everything. I will update you if anything changes or happens but wish me luck CG Link to post Share on other sites
strange love Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Nc is very hard to do I am connected to someone right now that I had to do NC with once for 6 weeks and once for 4 months 6 weeks seemed like forever and everyday i wasnt sure if I would see her ever again. The 4 month nc was very tough.. and when she did talk with me she was angry, I learned that one of her family members had died and other things. So I guess what im saying is you may not want to go that far. This time around let her call.. I think if it becomes a problem of u not calling her she will make and issue about it I guess most of all do what your gut says... good luck it seems positive though. In regards to making a commitment since she has cold feet you may want to wait till she starts pushing signs of that on u... ciao Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 One of your comments was : " We are very close and the next girlfriend I get will just have to * Deal With It *. I just want you to know how painful that will be to your next girlfriend . Try and consider the new girls feelings. She may be fine with it but if she isn't then your continued closeness with the x gf is going to hurt the new gf. I think your statement should read " While I am close to my x gf , she is my x and in my future I have to give my new girl a fair chance , if that means limiting or not talking about / or seeing my x gf, I will do this because it means I have respect for my new girlfriend and my new relationship " Its hard to say what your next relationship will be but please dont enter one harboring strong feelings for your x because you are going to hurt the new love. I know because it happened to me. Now, I know that x's do remain friends but if that is going to hurt a new relationship, do you stand by strongly or do you quietly let it go where it belongs ( ? ) : In the Past . Please consider the new girls feelings when you start seriously dating again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cg9328 Posted February 28, 2005 Author Share Posted February 28, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] Can anyone tell me what this means? This has been hard for me, but I know it's probably been about ten times worse for you. The only reason I had said maybe you should talk to someone else for awhile is NOT because you were bothering me (trust me, you've never done that and I could never think that of you), but because I want you to be comfortable confiding in other people. I honestly think it might make things a little easier, and it will help you to open up more. To tell you the truth, one reason I was starting to get scared was because it seemed like i had become your "everything"--basically, the only person you felt comfortable with, and the only one who got you out and about, kept you happy, gave you confidence, etc. It was flattering for me to know this, but all of this is quite a lot for one person to fulfill. I am just that--only one person (and a very unstable one at that), and I began to sense that I would not always be able to meet all of your needs. If something ever happened to me, I wouldn't want you to be "lost." I would want you to be able to move on and be ok on your own. I want you to branch off and start relying on other people too. I know you already rely on yourself and have for most of your life, but no (name omitted) is an island! I want you to feel that you are a complete person, with or without me. That is one reason I decided that a separation needed to happen. I also feel like I need time to just be unattached. While I loved being attached to you and probably will always feel it in a way, I also need to grow as an individual. This is not to say that I could never see us together--I still think about it every day. As for your question, I think only time will tell. That's honestly what I need most of all right now. Like I've said before, this would be so much easier if you were a rude, demanding kind of guy who didn't show much affection--but you're exactly the opposite. I care about you with all my heart, though you will probably say you don't feel it right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cg9328 Posted March 1, 2005 Author Share Posted March 1, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] For all of you that have been giving me advise I felt that I should update you. OK now.....last night I was online with my AIM when the ex logged-in not even 30 sec after she logs in I get this IM asking how I'm doing, what you been up to. I tell that Im doing ok and then all of a sudden she stops talking to me. I left her a IM that said if she wanted to talk she could call but I was going to watch some tv then go to bed. 10 mins go by and then she calls me. She goes straight into the relationship talk. She told me that she missed me and that she had been thinking a lot last week. She also told that she was starting doubt her decision to break up with me. I told her the decision was hers to make and almost every question she ask me I left open ended. Deep down I want her back but if we do get back together it's going to have to be her move. I don't want to pressure her into if she doesn't want to be. Does this mean the next move is mine or should I wait?? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 I think you're right - it has to be her move. Do make sure though, that your needs are being met. That you're not just available for her on whatever terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cg9328 Posted March 3, 2005 Author Share Posted March 3, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] OK now I had a long talk with her yesterday night. She went right into the relationship. She told me that she Loved me dearly and was having second thoughts about getting back with me. I know for a fact that she loves me as much as she says she does. I got out of our talk that she wants to be with me but she is scared of what might happen. I care for her deeply. I just need some advise on what I should do. I told her that I didn't want to pressure her. I don't want to get ahead of the gun here but should I make a move to see what happens or just let things sit and see what happens? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 Originally posted by cg9328 [font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] OK now I had a long talk with her yesterday night. She went right into the relationship. She told me that she Loved me dearly and was having second thoughts about getting back with me. I know for a fact that she loves me as much as she says she does. I got out of our talk that she wants to be with me but she is scared of what might happen. I care for her deeply. I just need some advise on what I should do. I told her that I didn't want to pressure her. I don't want to get ahead of the gun here but should I make a move to see what happens or just let things sit and see what happens? Typical of commitmentphobia, I'm afraid. There are 2 strategies which might work here: - Agree not to do heavy relationship talks - these are just gonna make her tie herself in mental knots. Just have fun times together, take it one event at a time and let nature take its course over the longer term. Don't push it, just build one brick at a time. - Walk away and find someone who *can* commit. If you're feeling tough, the first would be fun. If you feel vulnerable, go for the second. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 It could be a very simple matter of loving you: but not as much as she wishes she could. She acts very much like I did when I was with someone, and after four years I loved him - but not deeply enough in the way that would be able to sustain a lifelong committed relationship like marriage. I didn't want to be without him because I enjoyed his company and cared for him, but I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone when it felt like something was 'missing', either. Is she holding out for that "magic" feeling that comes not from just loving someone but being deeply in love and emotionally attached fully? It sounds like she is grasping for that, not finding it in herself and is keeping you at an arm's length in case she finds herself fully committed to someone for whom she loves but doesn't feel that "deep love" for - and doesn't want to miss out on a chance to find it in some other context. She can't have that chance if she is in a fully committed relationship with you, but she doesn't want to lose what she does have with you - so you are kept in stasis while she works out this conundrum: either stay with you, who loves her deeply - or take the chance to find someone that she can love as deeply. I don't think she's confused about loving you - its pretty evident that she does. I'm sure that what is confusing is how deep that love is she feels for you, and whether or not she wants to settle for what she has with you or hold out for something more (either waiting until she can feel that 'deep love' with you, or having the chance to find it with someone else). Link to post Share on other sites
Tonia2 Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 Very insightful posting Lucrezia. You described just what my bf described feeling about me. When you put it like that, why would any of us want to settle for someone who had doubts about how they felt? Do you think it is realistic holding out for that 'magical' connection? Or do you think that it reflects something missing in the person seeking it rather than the relationship? My ex said that with his ex-wife, he found it very seductive that she would put him out in the cold, and then offer him a crumb of comfort. He tried to explain that he was seeking an element of that in our relationship - but I think that is very unhealthy. I had always been led to believe that deep affection, loyalty, compatibility etc. were more important than a volatile, but perhaps very passionate (at times) relationship. btw, we still had a lot of passion and sexual chemistry. I hope this isn't too off-topic, but I do think it pertains to this situation too - my ex is going through a very similar pattern of conflict. He has broken up with me, but can't let go. The more I withdraw, the more uncomfortable he feels, and he seeks to resume that intimacy. When I give him what he appears to want, he withdraws. I don't know if this is 'cureable', but i for one would like to work on it, if there is anything to work on. He still says he loves me etc. but that something was missing for him to take it to the next stage (which is kids for him). Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 Originally posted by Tonia2 Very insightful posting Lucrezia. You described just what my bf described feeling about me. When you put it like that, why would any of us want to settle for someone who had doubts about how they felt? Do you think it is realistic holding out for that 'magical' connection? Or do you think that it reflects something missing in the person seeking it rather than the relationship? Lucrezia's insight is spot one, as ever. The problem is that I'm beginning to suspect that this magical deep connection doesn't exist outside of the movies. And even if it does, the spark doesn't last - you end up after many years with something more prosaic. I think you're spot on too, Tonia - what's missing is more likely to be in the seeker than in the object of their affection. Another member of Commitmentphobes Anonymous has spoken Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts