Upsetdan Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 After 17 weeks of fighting for my wife to give our marriage another chance I have to accept defeat. My marriage started to fail as I did not show my wife the attention and love she deserved. She tried for a long time to get me to see, but I was blind. I thought love would conquer all.... WRONG! she has only last night really explained her reasoning behind her wanting separation, when I left, I took for granted I would be back next day, thinking she would miss me, she didn't! She realised life was gonna be hard with out me, but also easier. We have 3 kids under 5. She, sadly for me, surrounded her self with negative people towards our relationship, and where I was fighting for us, they were batting me away. I believe my wife should have supported me, shown me the way, we only married 23 months. She should not have binned marriage and should have tried. But she has seen this "new" life and that appeals. Being young, free and single. She is 24. The last 8 Wks there has been a bloke sniffing around her, this has had an effect on me mentally, but she insists although he wants to be with her she wants to be on her own and concentrate on her and children. I can try no more, done the opposite of the 180, and driven myself insane. She says that she could never love me again, could never live with me again, and that she wants me to get on with my life and get on with it. This is where I struggle! I am madly in love with her and want my marriage to work. I can't accept this..... But I am having to start to look for places to live. I just want my wife to love me again..... How have you guys got over the rejection? And moved on? I really need help Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 You probably do need help from a therapist. But bigger picture, you have three kids with this woman. Your post talks nothing about them. And your issue is bigger than that of needing a place to live (though that's an issue). It seems you've lost her, whether permanently or temporarily, but you need to focus on yourself as a father first and foremost. There will be "blokes" sniffing around your ex forever, and she either likes the attention or doesn't, but it seems to me you need to get your focus firmly where it needs to be - your kids, then your mental health, then your physical health, and then and only then should you focus on either your ex or another person. And figure out while you're dealing with your mental health why you were lousy to a woman you supposedly loved. Because you'll get more chances at love and you want to make the most of them. Good luck especially to your children, the innocents in all this. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Agreed. You can't force her, so focus on your kids. Maybe she'll wake up once she sees that the single life isn't that glamorous with 3 kids that young. But until that focus on yourself and the kids alone. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Sounds like her "support system" destroyed your marriage. If your biggest fault was not showing her enough attention, then she is wrong for leaving. What is "enough" attention anyway? You didn't abuse her, you could evidently hold a job, and it sounds like you love her. Yet another family getting in the way of a marriage. Been there. Even when I was getting physically assaulted by my ex wife, her family still told her to leave instead of apologizing and changing her ways. Gotta love family support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 My marriage started to fail as I did not show my wife the attention and love she deserved. She tried for a long time to get me to see, but I was blind. I thought love would conquer all.... WRONG! It's an unfortunate truth that our actions have consequences. And so it appears that your wife is doing now what you've done all along - placing little or no value on the relationship. Too bad for both of you and, as the previous poster pointed out, especially unfortunate for 3 small kids. Even though you may no longer be a Husband, you're still a Dad. And since that's a full time job, get busy. Worry less about "moving on" and more about staying put for them. That should be your focus going forward... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Has your STBXW been a good wife? Link to post Share on other sites
LovemySons Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Wow...I'm so sorry. If she decides to go through with a divorce, it will be hard on your kids, too, so just be there for them as much as possible. Would she agree to marriage counseling? If not, you should go to counseling on your own. You're hurting, and a therapist can help you work through you're feelings. Praying it all works out for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Wow...I'm so sorry. If she decides to go through with a divorce, it will be hard on your kids, too, so just be there for them as much as possible. Would she agree to marriage counseling? If not, you should go to counseling on your own. You're hurting, and a therapist can help you work through you're feelings. Praying it all works out for you! The sad part is that, unless there are extreme extenuating circumstances in their divorce, his ex wife has a 92% chance of getting primary custody. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 I'm kind waiting for "the rest of the story" here. Women with 3 children under 5 don't leave their husbands just to 'concentrate on themselves and their children.' Either she is heavily involved in an affair and the OM has promised her the sun and moon. Or there has been something else taking place here like significant abuse or addiction or chronic unemployment or something. What is the background story here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ashleyjohn Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 I understand that dealing with this situation ain't easy but you need to give yourself sometime and trust me everything will work just fine. All the best! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Upsetdan Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 Thanks guys The truth is, i did not show her enough attention, putting my work first, and being tired all the time. she did try and advise me but i suppose i took her for granted. i have asked about marriage counselling but she is not interested, at all. she says that her love for me has gone and will NEVER come back. Is it possible for her to know this? i have for 17 wks begged and tried showing her but in this time she has grown further away from me... her support system was very negative and they were always infront of her... i was'nt. her friends brother had been pursuing my wife and when on a pre booked 2 week holiday last month i could not let this go. she said that that was my chance to show her, but i kept asking questions. Since back she has sorted benefits to pay for our rented house, benefits for to have weekly money and i am paying £100 a week to her for child maintenance. i will NEVER see her or kids go without. sHE JUST SAYS THAT IT IS OVER AND NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THIS.... i am finding it so hard to accept and cant help but tell her i love her and want her back and how my intentions are to be a proper family unit and treat her as the wife she deserves to be. i cant get my head round how at 24 (im 33) she wants to be a single mum of 3 and live off benefits? I was not a bad husband, i just lacked being involved for a while. My wife is fantastic and tried so hard, but i was blinded. PLEASE HELP ME! I CANT COPE ANY LONGER! I WANT HER BACK BUT DONT KNOW HOW I CAN ACHIEVE THIS Link to post Share on other sites
Author Upsetdan Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 Has your STBXW been a good wife? Very, she is a a fantastic mum to. she is quite highly strung and does fall out with people, but not me. all she has wanted for us is the fairytale ending. she has always dreamed of the perfect family. but now has given up..... i want her back Link to post Share on other sites
Author Upsetdan Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 I'm kind waiting for "the rest of the story" here. Women with 3 children under 5 don't leave their husbands just to 'concentrate on themselves and their children.' Either she is heavily involved in an affair and the OM has promised her the sun and moon. Or there has been something else taking place here like significant abuse or addiction or chronic unemployment or something. What is the background story here? just posted a bit of background.. please read and share your thoughts. thank you. upset Link to post Share on other sites
Author Upsetdan Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 It's an unfortunate truth that our actions have consequences. And so it appears that your wife is doing now what you've done all along - placing little or no value on the relationship. Too bad for both of you and, as the previous poster pointed out, especially unfortunate for 3 small kids. Even though you may no longer be a Husband, you're still a Dad. And since that's a full time job, get busy. Worry less about "moving on" and more about staying put for them. That should be your focus going forward... Mr. Lucky Thank you Lucky. is there any chance a woman can go from loving you so much to not wanting to have any contact sayings its 100% done, to wanting you back? or am i just deluded? Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Very, she is a a fantastic mum to. she is quite highly strung and does fall out with people, but not me. all she has wanted for us is the fairytale ending. she has always dreamed of the perfect family. but now has given up..... i want her back Healthy individuals don't have routine fallouts with people. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Thank you Lucky. is there any chance a woman can go from loving you so much to not wanting to have any contact sayings its 100% done, to wanting you back? or am i just deluded? Dan, no reason you can't hope for the best but you should plan for the worst. Again, your thoughts should focus on your kids. Unlike your relationship with your wife, that one under your control... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Are you still living together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Upsetdan Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 no i moved to our holiday home, about 20 miles away, 17 wks ago. i have been traveling from there to my home town every day as i work there also. its difficult. just want my wife to notice me again and turn her cold heart into a warm one,. we have to much to fight for, 3 kids, home etc, but she has zero interest Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Sorry to say, this sounds like a lost cause. Especially with her toxic friends covering for her. Begging only makes matters worse and you can't nice her back. Odd as it might sound your best bet is to reach a point where you don't want her back. So do a hard 180. And totally detach. Do not do the 180 to get her back, rather to improve yourself and move on in life. Change your life. Get a motorcycle. Join a gym. Go back to school. Link to post Share on other sites
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