Is he cheating? Pls help.....

[alr62697]

I just want to start off my story by stating that I'm going completely insane....

 

 

I have been in a 8 year relationship with my first love.... I love him to death and I would do anything for him, I would die for this man.... He treats me really well, hardly ever argue, sex life is great....very sensitive and sweet, people that see us together always assume that we are a "new love" and they think we have just started dating, when we tell them it has been 8 years... they don't believe us, they see we look like teenagers in love.... My friends/mother and brother tell me that they can see it in his eyes how much he loves me.... HOWEVER.... recently I have had a feeling that he is cheating on me.

 

 

I have a habit of going to bed really late, and sometimes I go to bed one hour before he wakes up for work....and I'm not fully asleep.... He has a weird tendency to come into the bedroom, turn on the light....keep it on for a few seconds and than turn it back off....usually I wouldn't pay attention to it, but this morning I wasn't fully asleep...when he turned on the light I pretended to be deep sleeping....but I kept my ears open.....(We do not have long distance so sometimes he has a phone card to call his family in another state) This was around 5am in the morning... I'm listening real closely and I hear him dialing the phone (Long numbers I counted way more than 10) I do not hear him talk, he just dials the numbers and hangs up. (In the past I have had issues with someone calling my house early in the morning (around the time he leaves for work) but he leaves at different times from 4am-6am it is always different.... and when whoever it is calls, if I pick up the phone it just hangs up and I do not have caller id and when I try to *69 it won't give me the number.....anyway.... After he left this morning, I hear my phone ringing and I pick up, of course the person hangs up....about 30 minutes later, the same thing happens again..... ( I have a feeling maybe he turns on the light to see if my eyes wince or I move, this meaning I might not be in a deep sleep and therefore either leaves a numerical page to have the woman call back to let her know it's ok to call and everything is clear? and maybe she doesn't look at her phone until it is too late and calls back after he has already left the house for work?)

 

ANOTHER INSTANCE:::

 

2 years ago me and him lived together in NY (we have been living together for 5 years) I got accepted to harvard law school in MA so we moved out of NY. About 8 months of living in MA, I get a phone call to my house 20 minutes after he leaves for work, it was a woman.... I said "hello" and she said "hello"...... I asked "Who is this" she said "Wrong number" ... I said to her "Don't give me WRONG NUMBER what's your name!!!" she told me "Magdella" and kept repeating "wrong number i'm so so sorry" and hung up the phone.... I brought that to his attention and he had absolutely no idea or explanation of why someone named magdella was calling our house.... However, I did NOT tell him I was able to *69 the number. What I did was I saved the phone number and name on a piece of paper and hid it in my bottom drawer (future reference just in case) about two weeks after the phone call, I figured it was safe for me to call and see if she picks up the phone... The crazy part about it was, it was a catering company phone number. MY boyfriend has a friend who's wife works for that exact catering company....but it could not be his wife, because I would have DEFINATELY recognized her spanish accent.

 

.....about a couple of months pass by and a telephone call wakes me up in the morning, I pick up and "HANG UP" as usual, as I press *69 I realized that it is the same phone number from a while back it has a 1212 area code.... Now, something here is messed up, how can it be the same company calling my home? I confronted my boyfriends friends wife, and she told me "My company calls to advertise and market over the phone, maybe it was a random call to advertise, ever think of that?" The problem is, this company is based in NY only and that is where they do all of their business.... Now, I KNOW for a fact that she isn't the woman that has been calling because her husband would have found out and he would have left her (I had confronted them together) My belief? They both know the woman he is possibly cheating on me with.... and that woman probably works for his friends wife company also...

 

To remind you, I'm a law student and my memory is IMPECCABLE, I have trained my brain to remember EVERYTHING that happens to me. It has never failed me. I was talking to my the friend of my boyfriends wife.... and by accident instead of addressing me by my name, she had called me "Magdella" twice.... How is that possible? At first I said to myself, was I hearing things? I said to her "what did you just call me" she said Oh I keep saying magdella instead of antoaneta, i'm sorry" I went back to my memory bank and realized the woman who had protested "WRONG NUMBER WRONG NUMBER" had told me her name was magdella.......

 

I think in most peoples eyes, that is enough proof, I just do NOT see how he can cheat on me, what time does he have? We live in massachusetts and this is a number from New York, there is times that we do not go to NY for months... Could it be a sexual thing that just happens when he has the time? I mean, I love this man dearly and he doesn't treat me bad, we do not have any on going issues in our relationship... He comes home from work and doesn't even leave the house, what time does he have?

 

Someone help me please, help me see the light.......... I'm tired of crying myself to sleep everytime I think about the past phone calls.... I'm tired of wondering if it's because I have put on weight or if my sex isn't interesting any longer? Please, Help me.......... My heart aches, I have devoted my life to this man, I have NEVER cheated on him and would NEVER plan on doing so. It pains me to even think about him cheating or seeing another woman.... I need some serious help..... Thank you in advance and god bless.

[emopunk]

Have you talked to your boyfriend(?) about this?

[LucreziaBorgia]

He may or may not be cheating, but one things for sure: his behavior is odd. You will want to fully document everything and talk to him about it. Lay it all out for him in a calm and rational manner and let him know you are concerned. Hopefully this will spark some conversation about why he is doing this rather than just addressing the fact that he is. If you attack the issue, and put a stop to it - you have treated a symptom. What you will want to do is address the illness itself: whatever it is that is going on inside him that would cause him to want to do these things. If you treat the symptoms without finding the cause, then you may be stopping it this time but it absolutely will happen again - because the motivation for him doing these things is still there.

 

If it is a matter of cheating, then for whatever reason, he is feeling that something is lacking in the relationship - some need isn't being met. This is not your fault - remember, these are his perceptions of his needs. You could be the perfect woman and do no wrong, but if the man feels his needs aren't being met in some way he'll step outside of the relationship in a moment of bad judgment and decision-making to stray regardless, in order to see his needs met.

 

Find out if there is something he needs to talk about with you that he isn't saying. Something deeper than cheating - you want to root out the cause of his behavior. Treat the illness, and the symptoms will disappear.

[alr62697]

emopunk: Yes I have a couple of times, and he gets upset that I seem to try to ease in the fact that maybe some cheating is going on. He gets kind of defensive and if I start to raise my voice a little he has said before "If you don't trust me, why are you even with me? Trust is one of the biggest and most important things in a relationship.. if I didn't trust you... I don't see how I could be with you for so long..so why do you feel this way?" that is what his response usually is....

 

 

Lucrezia: I understand the whole concept of treating the illness to make the symptoms disappear, however if in fact he has cheated and I find out, there is no way that I would be able to forgive him.... unfortunately I have an issue with dwelling on things that have hurt me. If I were to find out he was cheating, that would break my heart so in return I would not be able to forgive him. It just hurts me to think that there possibly could be an issue of commitment going on. I have spent the past 8 years of my life with one man, I do not know where to even start if I was single again....

[Debster]

His behaiour definitely does sound suspicious - but I also think that you have always been on the alert. It's like you had a gut instinct but didn't know why. That's the only explanation I can think of as to why you would have been so suspicious of a wrong number. My husband and I generally get at least 1 wrong number a month. It has ranged from children, seniors, people who don't speak English and guys, girls. Never once would I have been so inquisitive to a wrong number - unless my gut sensed something was wrong. I also think the response of his best friend's wife seems a little off - does she like you? Also the fact that she called you that name would cinch it for me.

 

My point - I think you've known all along that something wasn't right. Generally IMO, unless you would classify yourself as chronically insecure, gut instincts are always on target.

 

I feel for you.